Nowhere but Here (18 page)

“He was four years old, Kate.”

“What’s this all about, Jer?”

Beth winked at me while I waited for Jerry’s response.

“I just saw you in those red cowboy boots and thought maybe you were gettin’ your spark back, that’s all. Have a good day, ladies.”

“You, too,” I said as he walked away.

“You want to get a hot dog at lunch?”

“Beth, seriously?” I skipped back into my cubicle and opened a fresh Word document on my computer.

I titled it “Whispers in the Dark.” I wrote two, then three, then six, then nine thousand words before shutting down and going home. The next day, I repeated the same thing. There was a story forming, purely fictional, but one that echoed so many themes in my life at that moment. I was getting work done at the paper, but between completing short tasks I would go back to the story, and the words would flow right out of me. On the third day, I had written roughly five chapters. I e-mailed them to Beth without telling her anything.

She came over to my desk, clutching the printed pages. “What is this?” she asked.

“I don’t know.”

“It’s fucking awesome. It’s fiction?” she asked.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“You have to keep going.”

“I don’t know what I’ll do with it.”

Beth crossed her arms over her chest. “You’re writing a goddamned book, Kate. Keep going and figure that out later.”

What I wrote was dark and unsettling at times, but that’s how my life had been. The only brightness and warmth I could remember was being in Napa. My memories of the beautiful connection Jamie and I had shared started coming back to me, coursing through my veins like a rushing river. I would daydream about his lips on my neck, so tender and warm, and his strong hands on my waist, making me feel safe. The story was about the pain we sometimes have to endure before the universe rewards us with real love. Through the writing, I was able to let go of the idea that I should be alone. I purged all of the feelings and preconceived notions I’d had going into my adulthood. The characters from the story and the memories of my time with Jamie brought me back into the light. They showed me that love was real and burning inside of me, and that no matter how hard I tried, I wouldn’t be able to stifle it.

I avoided Jerry, but I had a feeling he knew what was going on, and I knew that I would be faced with some serious decisions. The
Crier
wasn’t going to pay me to write love stories, and the idea of writing one more article on the dangers of trans fats made me want to stick pencils in my eyes. On the fifth night, I woke from the fog of writing and realized Jamie hadn’t left me a voice mail in two days. I scurried from my apartment and headed for the mail slots on the first floor.

When the elevator doors opened, Dylan and Ashley came into view. He was standing tall with a self-satisfied smirk on his face. Ashley was pink all the way from her cheeks to her neck and down toward the low cut of her shirt. Her long blond hair was pulled back into a messy ponytail. They had done it, was my guess—maybe on the roof, maybe in the doorless laundry room—but I was sure, with every ounce of my being, that they had done it.

“Hey, kids,” I said with an ear-splitting grin.

“What’s up, chica?”

“It’s a beautiful night, isn’t it?” I asked.

“Yes,” Ashley said so softly I barely heard her.

Dylan gave an awkward, nasal laugh and then cleared his throat. “Where are you headed to?”

“Getting my mail.”

When we reached Ashley’s floor, Dylan turned toward me. “I’m gonna walk her to her door. Hold the elevator and I’ll come with you.”

I held the open-door button and watched as Dylan and Ashley walked hand in hand down the hall. He whispered something in her ear and she smiled with a peaceful and content look on her face. They kissed tenderly for just a few seconds and then he kissed her forehead before she turned and entered her apartment.
So sweet.

He ran back toward the elevator, grinning the entire way.

“Well?” I said.

“I’m so fucking in love with her.” He sighed.

“Do you really think it’s love?”

He looked over at me pointedly. “Oh no, you’re not gonna start your cynical shit with me now, are you?”

“No, Dylan, it’s just that sometimes it can be hard to tell the difference between love and lust.”

“I don’t care what the difference is. All I know is that I can’t stop thinking about her. I want to be with her every second of the day. Not just in that way, either. I want to talk to her and laugh with her and see the world with her. If that’s not love, then I don’t fucking know anything.”

“Why are you so sure?”

“I have to be. I know she’s amazing and she likes me. I don’t think there’s any room for fear or doubt when it comes to love. I’m willing to take my chances. You should be, too,” he said just as we reached the mail slots.

When I stuck the key in and turned the little lock, the door practically jumped off the hinges. The slot was jammed full of mail. Most of it was junk mail that I managed to catch as it came spilling out. One envelope fell to the floor. Dylan and I looked down simultaneously. The return address was the R. J. Lawson Winery. It was Jamie’s answer.

“Is that the guy?”

“Yes.”

“Are you gonna open it?”

“I don’t want to cry in front of you.”

“You’ve cried in front of me about four hundred times since I’ve known you. You’re the biggest crybaby I know.”

“I’m tough,” I declared.

“You wish. Just open the damn envelope.”

I shoved my armful of mail into Dylan’s hands and reached down for the letter. As I tore the flap from the back, I got a paper cut.

“Goddammit, it’s a sign.” I shoved my bleeding finger into my mouth and sucked. “Cay u beweve it?” I mumbled over my finger.

“For the love of God, Kate, open that letter right now.”

I huffed and then finished opening the envelope. I took the familiar paper out and unfolded it. My eyes first went to where I had underlined Jamie’s words,
I am completely in love
with you
, and then in my big letters the word
WHY?
Underneath that was Jamie’s response. It was two words. That’s it. Two. Simple. Words.

MARRY ME.

I’ll admit, it wasn’t exactly the proposal every girl fantasizes about, yet somehow it was better. It was totally unexpected but completely fitting for the way things had gone down. He knew I needed it all. I put my hand over my heart, took a step backward, and leaned against the mail slots.

“What? What does it say?” I turned the page toward Dylan and began crying. “Holy shit. I mean, wow!” He scanned my face and then one side of his mouth turned up into a lopsided grin. “You’re crying. Are those happy tears?”

“Yes,” I blubbered.

He pulled me into his chest with his free arm and held me tightly.

“What will you do?”

“I’m gonna go out there and . . .” I hiccupped and took a deep breath. Dylan rubbed my back, soothing me. “I’m going to quit the
Crier
, go to Napa, finish my book, and say absolutely, one hundred percent yes to Jamie.”

“Attagirl.”

I pulled back and wiped the tears away with the back of my sleeve. “Will you do something for me, Dylan?”

“Anything.”

“Will you take care of Anchovy for me?” I asked, sniffling.

He laughed. “You’re such a drama queen. Of course I’ll take your fish.”

“And will you promise me that you’ll always stay this honest and sweet?”

“I’ll do what I can.”

He walked me to the door of my apartment and handed over the giant stack of mail before leaning down and kissing my cheek. “You deserve to be happy. Keep in touch, okay?”

“I will. No more drugs, right?”

“Nah, I’m done with that. I think I’m gonna go to college with Ashley next year and study music.”

“Good boy,” I said, breaking down into tears again. “These are happy tears.”

He smiled. “I know.”

I closed the door and immediately ran for the phone to call Jerry.

“Hello?” Jerry had six adorable kids, and they all happened to be talking at the same time when I called.

“Jerry!” I yelled over the noise.

“Hey, Kate. Let me go outside, hold on.”

While I waited, I heard at least three different tiny voices yell, “Daddy!”

“What’s up?” he asked.

“I don’t want to bother you while you’re with your kids, but I’m going to need to talk with you soon. I’ve made some decisions.”

“Well, I’m going to put the kids down and then meet Beth at Harvey’s to go over a breaking story. Do you want to meet us there at nine?”

“That would be perfect. I need to tell her as well.”

“Okay, I’ll see you there.”

I hung up, threw on a pair of jeans, my red cowboy boots, and my winter coat, and headed out into the freezing Chicago air. I contemplated going back up to my apartment to grab a scarf, but I didn’t have much time so I made my way toward the L. Walking into Harvey’s, I instantly spotted Beth and Jerry seated at the long oak bar. When I approached Beth, she stood up and moved down one stool so I could sit in the middle.

“Well, what’s this all about?” Jerry asked.

“I’m going to do it!” I said triumphantly. The bartender turned and looked in my direction. I waved him toward me. “I’ll take the Lawson Pinot,” I said, then faced Jerry and grinned. “It’s a sexy wine.” He nodded, looking somewhat bewildered.

“I have a feeling you’re going to give us some bittersweet news,” Beth said.

“I want to see about finishing my book.”

“I knew it.” Jerry smacked the bar top. “I knew you were up to something. I guess this means you’re done with the
Crier
?”

“You both have given me so much support. You had faith in me when I was producing crap. When I could barely formulate a coherent sentence, you continued sending stories my way, Jerry. And Beth, you are an amazing writer and a serious inspiration to me. I
am
done with the
Crier
, but I’m not done with you guys.”

“What about Jamie?” Beth asked.

“I’m gonna see about him, too.” I looked down at my fidgeting hands. “He asked me to marry him.” Beth almost spit her mouthful of beer out, but Jerry wore a knowing look.

“Well, kid, I couldn’t be happier for you. Congratulations. We’ll miss you at the paper, but I think you’re doing the right thing.”

“That’s amazing, Kate,” Beth said sincerely once she regained composure.

“I wanted to tell you both right away because I plan on flying out as soon as I can, possibly tomorrow. I want to say ‘yes’ to Jamie in person.”

Jerry smiled. “My little Kate is going to marry R. J. Lawson . . . unbelievable.”

“Yeah, you’re going to be a bazillionaire.” Beth snickered.

“I don’t care about that. I love him.” It was the first time I had said it out loud. “I love him and I can’t wait to tell him.”

We left each other with huge hugs in front of the bar and then went in three different directions. I headed toward the L feeling as light as air. I literally bounced up the stairs to the station. I felt myself smiling even though I wasn’t trying to. It was quiet and empty on the train platform as I waited. I entered the third car, which I thought was empty, but realized very quickly that there was a man sitting in the very back. There was a brief rush of Chicago wind through the back of my hair just before the doors closed. The man’s long black peacoat contrasted severely with his white, almost translucent skin and hair. Sitting all the way across the train car, I could see the ice-blue depths of his eyes. He looked haunted as he stared back at me. I broke the uncomfortable staring contest first by looking out the window. Buildings and tunnel walls zipped by like film in fast motion. I watched the lights string neon webs through the sky as the train picked up speed. I kept the man in my peripheral vision but tried to look fearless and confident.

Relief washed over me when a couple got on at Belmont. They stood near the door and kissed for about sixty seconds until they got off at Wellington, two stops before mine. The fear was back, and with good reason. I should have stepped off with them. Once the train was in motion again, the man stood up and stalked toward me. I backed up until I was almost against the door.
Hurry, open,
I kept chanting in my head, hoping the next stop would come soon. I stuck my hand into my coat pocket and pulled out the note from Jamie.

When the man was inches from me, he reached toward my neck. I took another step back. I clutched the note and covered my necklace with my right hand and held my purse out to him with my left.

“Here, take it,” I squeaked.

“I want the necklace.” His voice shot down my spine, raising warning alarms throughout my body.

“Please, I have money and credit cards in here. Please, take it.”

“I said I want the necklace!”

I was shaking, and I couldn’t move. In one fluid motion he reached into his pocket, pulled out a pistol, and held it up. I cowered and squeezed my eyes shut with all of my strength. I heard him shout, “Stupid bitch,” and then I felt an overpowering force to my head, and that was the last thing I remember.

Page 15

Irony

To what degree do we really shape our own destiny? Are the people who seem down on their luck unable to see the signs, unable to hear the whispers? Would I have been laying in a pool of blood on the Chicago subway in my red cowboy boots if I had listened more closely to my instincts?

I floated into the darkness, where I stayed for an immeasurable amount of time. Time didn’t seem to matter and neither did my physical being. I was warm and in no pain, and although I was seemingly alone in that wormhole, I could sense that someone was with me. I wondered if it was my mother or Rose. There was no fear, just a sensation that I was loved. I felt I needed to wish, pray, want, and try hard to see a light in all of that darkness, but when I did, it came with the most excruciating pain. I recoiled again and again and went back into the blackness, where I spent what seemed like an eternity lost in my thoughts.

I wondered who would bury me. Who would make sure I got my placard? I wondered if Jamie would be at my funeral. Would he cry? Would he be able to go on with his life? The thought of Jamie losing me was harder to accept than the thought of losing Jamie. Not because I didn’t care for him, but because he would be in pain, and that gave me more strength to fight than anything else. I loved him and could not stand the thought of causing him pain.

There were two bright lights that came into my view first. Both were completely haloed and foggy. One was shining down on me from above what I quickly realized was a hospital bed, and the other was coming from the window to my left. My head was screaming with excruciating pain. I saw a figure sitting in a chair a few feet away. He was hunched over, resting his head on the foot of my bed. I thought it was Jamie. I sensed that it was him, but I didn’t know for sure. I blinked several times, trying to refocus my eyes, but my vision was still so muddled, and the light was increasing the intense throbbing in my brain.

I closed my eyes and drifted off again. The next time I stirred, I kept my eyes closed but heard voices.

“She’s my fiancée. Please, you have to tell me something.”

“We cannot release information to anyone other than family.”

“She doesn’t have any family. I’m it. Please.” The tone of his voice was so pleading that it made my heart ache.

“Okay,” the woman answered. “I can get in a lot of trouble for this.”

“I promise, I won’t say a word. I just need to know. Is she gonna be okay?”

I tried to speak but couldn’t form the words. I felt paralyzed by the pain.

“She was beaten severely with the base of a pistol. The trauma to her head has caused critical swelling and leaking of spinal fluid into her brain. She has what’s called posttraumatic hydrocephalus.” He gasped and made a guttural sound. I opened my eyes for just a second to see Jamie leaning against the wall across from me. His arms were crossed and his head was down. He looked broken. “Her prognosis depends completely on her own body. We’ll be monitoring her very closely and doing scans every day. If the swelling doesn’t start to go down with medication, then the doctors will have to perform brain surgery. They’ll drill a hole and put shunts in to drain the fluid and alleviate the pressure.” I couldn’t tell for sure, but it sounded like he was crying very quietly. The tone in the nurse’s voice changed. It became soothing. “Stay positive. Keep talking to her. The best-case scenario is that she could make a full recovery and be home in a week.”

I made one heartbreaking attempt to open my eyes and speak, but I was crushed again. The pain was just too much. The pounding in my head became so loud it was deafening. I couldn’t hear or feel anything else. Jamie’s voice, the light and the feeling of the hospital sheets on my skin, were all gone. I went to the void, where everything was black and warm and painless.

I wasn’t sure how many days, months, or years had gone by before I was able to sense my surroundings again, but when I did I could hear Dylan, Ashley, Jerry, and Beth talking to one another. They were talking about me as if I weren’t there—nothing bad, just a general conversation about my apartment and things that needed to be taken care of. On my health insurance form I had named Jerry as my next of kin and said he was a relative.

“Did you see that? She moved her hand,” Dylan said excitedly. “Kate, can you hear me?” I squeezed his hand and tried to open my eyes. The pain was searing. I blinked several times before finally focusing. Dylan was holding my hand in both of his, and Jerry was leaning over me with eyes as big as sand dollars. “Hey, kid.”

I swallowed and tried to clear my throat. “Hurts,” I said. My voice didn’t sound like my own. It was raspy and strained.

“Get the nurse!” Beth shouted to Ashley, who turned immediately and went running out the door.

“Just close your eyes and rest and get better. Jamie will be back in a few minutes.” Dylan smiled warmly at me. He looked relieved. And then I faded away again. I don’t know for how long, but when I came to, Jamie was sitting in a chair on the other side of the room. Susan was also there, sitting in a chair opposite him. Everyone else was gone. He was leaning over and his elbows were propped on his knees. He was wearing a T-shirt and flannel shirt with dark jeans and tennis shoes, the way I had remembered him so well from the winery. It was just Jamie, not R.J.—just my sweet Jamie. The scruff on his face was at least five days old, and his hair was slicked back from his face. His head was down, braced by his two hands. He was looking at the floor but talking to Susan.

Two instant but conflicting feelings washed over me as I absorbed Jamie sitting in my hospital room. One was that our souls were connected so deeply that I could sense his presence before I knew for sure that he was there. Merely being in the same room with him made me feel more complete. One brief glimpse of him was enough to warm my blood and increase my heart rate. The other feeling was that we barely knew each other. The concept of “us” was so new. I still had that tingling feeling of excitement, like I hadn’t yet explored all of him. My head throbbed with the beat of twenty thousand drums, but somehow Jamie’s presence alone dulled the roar and made getting better my number one goal.

I watched for a few seconds in sympathy. He was shattered. It was hard to hear every word of their conversation, but I picked up enough.

“I’m cursed,” he said softly. “And I’ve cursed everyone who loves me.”

“That’s not true,” Susan said.

“I’ve done this to her.” He looked up and ran his hand through his hair. “She wouldn’t let go of the necklace I gave her. Did you know that? I’m telling you, it’s because of me that she’s lying there, broken.”

“I’m not broken,” I whispered. He stood instantly and was at my side in two strides.

“Baby, don’t move. Don’t strain yourself.” He leaned over and kissed my forehead. “Get the nurse,” he told Susan.

“I think I’m okay.”

“God, I’m so relieved to see those brown eyes. You are so lucky to be alive.”

“Come here.” I opened my arms. He bent over and gently nuzzled his face in my neck. “How did I get here?”

His head jerked back. “You don’t remember?”

“No.”

The nurse walked in behind Susan. Both came over to the other side of my bed. “You okay, honey?” the nurse asked. She checked my vitals and then propped my bed up so I could sit.

“My head still hurts a bit.”

“That’s to be expected, but you’re doing remarkably well. I’ll let the doctor know you’re up,” she said and then walked out.

Susan smiled down at me. “I’m glad you’re back with us, Kate. I wanted to say sorry about all the confusion at the winery. I wasn’t completely informed and I didn’t want to interfere.”

“It was my fault, I didn’t tell Susan what was going on,” Jamie interrupted.

“Well, I didn’t help matters. I knew something big was happening between you two, but I’m used to protecting Jamie’s privacy.”

“It’s water under the bridge,” I said sincerely.

“I hope so. I’ll let you two have some alone time.”

“Thank you.” We squeezed each other’s hands and then she left.

“Jamie, tell me what happened.” He scooted a chair right next to my bed and sat down, holding my hand in his.

“You were attacked by a man on the subway. He hit you with his gun repeatedly, and the attack caused some swelling in your brain. But you’re going to be okay, the swelling is going down on its own.”

I remembered little bits and pieces about what happened, but it was hard to put it all together. “I must have a really hard head.” I smiled.

One side of his mouth turned up. “Yes, I’m sure of it, and thank God for that hard head of yours. I think you’re going to be fine.”

“I should have worn a scarf that night.” I reached up and ran my fingers down his rough jawline. He grinned into my hand.

“Why didn’t you let him take the necklace?”

“I can’t remember what I was thinking. But wait, how did you know it was over the necklace?”

“Because they found you clutching it, and the transit system has video footage of the assault.” I felt my bare neck and started to panic. “They took it off when you came in. Beth has it, along with the rest of your stuff. It’s safe, angel, but no material object is worth this. That necklace could have been replaced. You can’t be.”

I started getting choked up. “Jamie, I’m sorry.” Tears began streaming from my eyes. My head was pounding again. I moved my hair away from my face and felt the bandage on the side of my head.

“Please don’t cry. I wasn’t mad, I was just scared. I thought I was gonna lose you.”

“I know.” I sniffled. He reached his hands down and wiped the tears away with the pads of his thumbs. I felt for the bandage at the back of my head.

“They had to shave a little of your hair to put the staples in.”

“Staples? Oh my god, I must look like Frankenstein.” I breathed into my hand. “Oh, and my breath is terrible. I feel like I have little sweaters on my teeth, they’re so fuzzy. Can you get me some mouthwash?”

He laughed and went into the little bathroom and came back holding mouthwash and a cup out to me. “You can barely see the staples. Your hair covers that spot. And you don’t look like Frankenstein at all. You’re beautiful, and you will always be beautiful.” I smiled with cheeks full of mouthwash. Are you feeling better?”

I spit the mouthwash into a little cup Jamie held out for me. “Yes. Where was I going on the L that night?”

“You were going home. You were only one stop away when it happened.”

“Going home from where?”

“You’d met Jerry and Beth at a bar. They said you quit the
Crier
because of the note I sent you.”

“Note?”

“I asked you to marry me. Do you remember that?” At that point he was sitting on the chair next to the bed, staring up at me. He looked boyish for once.

“I don’t remember.” I put my hand to my head, which had begun to pound loudly in the front. I closed my eyes and winced. “I’m sorry, I can’t remember much, just bits and pieces. My head hurts so bad.”
Oh my god, he asked me to marry him.

He stood up and lowered my bed. “Close your eyes, baby. You don’t need to think about anything right now.” I felt him gently climb up next to me and lay on his side. He draped his arm across my waist. I dozed off, feeling safe and protected.

There were a couple of days of tests and scans before I was scheduled to go home. I realized that I hadn’t had a serious conversation with Jamie about the note or what our plan was. He had been at the hospital every day, only leaving briefly to shower at a nearby hotel. Beth, Jerry, and Dylan popped in and out a few times to check on me. Dylan was taking care of Anchovy and my apartment, and Beth had proudly proofread the first thirty thousand words of my novel. I was excited to get back to writing, but I knew there were things that needed to be decided first. I still didn’t remember much from the night of the assault, but the police detective did show me the note I was clutching. The words
MARRY ME
were smeared in blood, which gave me a strong feeling of unease.

The day before I was scheduled to leave the hospital, they brought a plastic surgeon in to remove the staples from the back of my head and to add tiny sutures to the gash in my forehead. When the doctor left the room, I looked over at Jamie, who was flipping through
Techw
orld
magazine. “Hey, handsome. I thought you were done with all that?”

He jerked his head up, closed the magazine, and flung it onto a nearby table, then he looked down at his hands in mock horror, like he had been infected. We both laughed. I stood up next to my hospital bed on wobbly legs. I was still naked underneath the ridiculous hospital gown. Jamie came to my side instantly and held my arm as I walked toward the bathroom. “I just want to brush my hair out,” I said.

“I can brush it for you.”

“I have to do some things on my own, Jamie.” I stopped halfway, feeling dizzy. Jamie had a scared look on his face as he braced my arm and shoulder. I tried to lighten the mood. Smiling up at him, I said, “It’s kind of drafty in here,” and then I reached behind me to feel my naked rear end. His adorable dimple that had been hiding for so many days behind a worried frown revealed itself.

He leaned back to catch a glimpse as I began to shuffle again toward the bathroom. “I’ve missed seeing that cute little ass.” I giggled when he smoothed his hand over it.

“I hope you’ll stay for a few days after I’m released?” I shot him a hopeful look. “You can get reacquainted with my ass.”

“Katy, of course I’m staying. I’m not going anywhere. You’re going to need help. I planned on staying with you at your apartment.” He looked discouraged.

“I just didn’t know if you’d want to.” He was standing behind me as I looked in the mirror and brushed my hair.

“What are you talking about? I asked you to marry me. I was pretty sure you were gonna say yes.”

“Everything seems so jumbled up now.” I felt the familiar stinging of tears filling my eyes.

“You don’t have to decide anything, but I told you, I’m not going anywhere.”

“Don’t you want to be in Napa?”

He stepped toward me confidently, turned me to face him, and reached for my hand. He placed it over his heart and then pressed his other hand to my heart. “There’s nowhere but here. Nothing else matters, you have to see that. We’ll figure everything out together. I want to get to know you all over again, but first let’s focus on getting you home and well.” He bent over to kiss me. When our lips touched, I immediately pressed my body to his. I took his hand and placed it on my bare butt. He smiled against my lips.