Nothing Left To Want (23 page)

“
L.A.? You didn’t say any … Never mind, I’ll come with you. Carly won’t care.”

“
No, I’ll be busy all week. It’s a last minute thing. I’m thinking about investing in a club.”

“
Oh, in L.A.?”

He sighed. “No, here, I mean out in the Hamptons, but the money guys on this are in L.A. Listen, I need to get off the phone. I should start getting ready to head out.”

“
But you said I woke you up. Why do you have to go now? Please wait till tomorrow, baby. I’ll bring home dinner. We can eat in bed. I’ll feed you in bed.”

His voice, when he answered was tight, but with anger or boredom I couldn’t tell. Either way made me afraid. “Well, I’m up now, so I’m going now. I’ll call you in a day or so, okay?”

“
No! I mean please no. Will you promise to call tonight?”

“
Yeah, okay, whatever. Talk to you soon. I mean I’ll call you tonight.”

He didn’t.

* * *

I wasn’t worried about Daddy cheating on me but he was becoming as unavailable as Michael. Whenever I called him, he was short. He had brought Sarah along as a buffer to our last two lunches and he had even had Herbert call me to complain about my monthly credit card bills, something he had never done before. I knew I had screwed up with him since a few months before. At my mother’s constant urging, I had asked him what his plans were for the future as far as she was concerned.

You just didn’t go there with Daddy, the most private of men. He reacted as if I had told him that I wanted him to become a porn star and had left the restaurant before I could pull myself together enough to realize how badly I had screwed up.

I ran after him but he had raised his hand and shook his head. “Not now, Carey. I am far too upset with you to discuss this now. Suffice it to say that I would prefer if you stayed far away from any subject concerning my personal life and, in return, I will extend you the same courtesy.”

Tears streaming down my face on a public sidewalk, I tried again to apologize. “Daddy, I am so sorry. It was really stupid of me. Please, I’ll never do it again. Mother said ... ”

His face had hardened and he signaled his driver. “I cannot tell you how sorry I am that you are choosing at this late date to view your mother as a source of wisdom and emotional support. I have always felt a special closeness to you, felt, or I should say hoped, that you and I understood each other better than anyone else. I see I was wrong.”

“
Daddeee, please.”

He slid into the car. “No, Carey, and please try to control yourself. I’ll see you next month.”

After that Sarah began to join us and I received my first early money warning call from Herbert. Like the stupid girl I was, I turned to my new source of emotional support, as Daddy had put it, but she wasn’t interested in my near-hysterical fears at losing my place in Daddy’s heart. She was focused only on his refusal to discuss his plans.

“
That tight-assed son of a bitch. Emotional support, my ass. He is emotionally stunted, is what he is. And for God’s sake, Carolyn, what do you have to be upset about? This isn’t about you. Pull yourself together. Your father is right about that much. You are far too emotional. You want to know what trouble is, Carolyn? It’s when you are hobbled, totally hobbled by a man who took the best years of your life and then deserts you without reason, leaving you to try to maintain some semblance of dignity on twenty-five thousand dollars a month. Twenty-five thousand, and I am
the
Mrs. Kells Kelleher.”

“
Mom, I’m sure that when you guys finally see lawyers … and anyway, isn’t that a lot of money? I mean your home and staff are paid for so ... ”

“
Oh, you think that’s a lot of money, do you, Carey. Tell me, what are your monthly expenses?”

“
Well I … I don’t really know. The bills go to Herbert and then Daddy ... ”

“
Exactly, and then Daddy pays them. Well maybe you had better start knowing because what Daddy giveth, Daddy taketh away, and no one knows that better than I do. Oh, stop crying. Come on, darling, it’s not today. You and Kells will kiss and make up. You’re his little Carey, aren’t you?”

I sniffled and nodded hopefully.

“
Good, then I’ll tell you what we’ll do. We’re both feeling all gloomy for no reason, let’s go have our nails done, my treat, and then maybe you can put some little dress for the ballet benefit on your charge for your poor old mother. How does that sound?”

It sounded terrible but that is just what we did.

* * *

During those hectic months that turned into years, I hadn’t been seeing as much of Milan or Christy as I usually did.

Christy graduated and was immediately snapped up by a Japanese firm who offered to bankroll her purse designs in exchange for the use of her name and her sister’s name in advertising campaigns. She was jetting back and forth to Tokyo like some people commuted to Connecticut.

Milan was even busier than usual and was by then commanding a hundred thousand dollars to appear casually lounging around the place of the minute, being the girl of the minute. She still called and invited me along, but between Michael and my mother, I had been mostly unavailable. She wasn’t unavailable to me, though, when I called her in the midst of my twentieth winter, the winter of my growing discontent.

She was warm on the phone. “My little Care Bear, I miss you. What have you been doing, and is Michael still the only one you are doing?” She laughed. I couldn’t and I unloaded on her all my misery … my new relationship with my mother, my fears about how my relationship with Michael was going, or not going, and she listened. When I was done, she said, “Oh Careybeary, you are a crazy girl.”

“
Yeah, that’s not much of a news flash, Mills. Could you be more specific?”

“
Sure. I’m all about being specific. Let’s start with your mother. Get away from her. I might not always be around to rescue you from the bad rooms she puts you in.”

We were both silent remembering the worst room of my life, down in Kansas.

I said, “She’s different now. She wants to be with me. It’s like she needs me and I ... ”

“
You are betting on a proven loser, is what you are doing. She’s down and she’s using you. She’ll make a comeback, her kind always does and, when she does, she’ll kick you to the curb again. Are you up for that?”

Resentfully I answered her, “You’re one to talk. You’re always flying out to L.A. to spend time with your mom.”

She didn’t get pissed at me. “You’re right, I am. We’re close now. She’s all settled and happy out there with Daddy. She went soft after having my little brothers and I like being with my family. Who knows, maybe I’ll move to L.A. one of these days. Anyway, Carey, we’re not talking about me.”

“
I know but, Mills ... ”

“
No, you’re screwing up, Cares, and you’re going to piss off your Dad, and anyway you need to start spending more time with Michael.”

“
Oh my God, what do you mean? Have you heard something?”

Her voice was light but there was an uncharacteristic seriousness to it. “No, maybe, or not anything I’m sure of, and who cares? He’s a boy and boys can be bad when they’re alone. A smart girl ... ”

“
A smart girl does what?”

“
A smart girl watches her back and she watches her man too. He’s a little hottie, Care, and you need to be around more.”

“
What if he doesn’t want me around? I told you about L.A.”

“
You did and all I can tell you is that you need to make him want you around. But, Cares, don’t get all clingy, just …” she sighed, “ … just be where he can see you, you know, being beautiful, which you are, and having fun, which you can do if you lighten up a little. No tears, no W
here are you?
crap, no
Do you still love me
? Just be out there beside him, being the hottest thing in the room.”

I thanked her and told her I loved her, and then I sat alone in my bedroom holding Petal long after it got dark outside.

Just be the hottest thing in the room, just be fun
.

Milan was describing herself and she was the girl we all wanted to be, me most of all. What people like her don’t understand is that people like me would be her in a heartbeat if we only knew how. Insecurity, sadness, desperation, these aren’t things you exactly cultivate in yourself, they are just the bad things you are born with, like your hair and the shape of your face. I could change those if I wanted to but what was inside was too deep down for scalpels and dye.

Chapter 24

There are an awful lot of things I think I would do differently if someone would just come in here and save me. Or, I don’t know, probably everybody says that, probably everybody thinks that, even if they are not deep in some serious shit.

I bet there isn’t anybody alive who hasn’t made at least one major wrong call and lived to regret it, as they say. Now me, I kind of have the best of both worlds here. I get to rehash the best of Carey Kelleher and then probably not live to regret it.

I should be more appreciative, I guess.

There’s a lot to choose from in my not-so-greatest hits collection but I think Michael is always going to be the big one. There’s this whole other life I am meant to be living, maybe could have been living, but it’s me, and when I get nervous, I get afraid, and when I get afraid, I don’t just make bad choices, I make choices so bad that when other people talk about my life, they get to feel better about themselves, kind of like when people back into parked cars and, for a minute, they feel really stupid, but then they think,
Hey, at least I’m not in the Darwin Awards
.

Well, I’m the Darwin Awards for bad choices, the girl who everyone is glad they aren’t. And if you think about who I am - or who I was - well that’s pretty freaking ironic.

I didn’t get here alone, though. I had the support of my parents, especially my mother. Who knew in this day and age you could actually get exiled from your home? It’s medieval really. But money and power keep an old school feudal system going even now, though nobody likes to admit it.

Which came first, the break-up or the drugs?

I guess it was the drugs because I was so afraid of the break-up, but then did Michael really leave me because of the drugs or would he have left anyway?

After Michael came back from L.A., he started spending more nights at his own apartment which, considering the drop in neighborhood and style from my own place, made me worry. I thought that even if he didn’t totally worship me like I did him, he would at least miss having his dirty clothes picked up and either hand-laundered or sent to the dry cleaners. I thought he would miss home-catered meals from Dean and Deluca and use of any toy he wanted from my cars to company limos and weekend rides out to Tamerlane, or the Hamptons, in the helicopter.

Sure, I would have loved to have believed that he would be with me even without almost daily presents and last minute trips to Isla de Ferradura, but, since I could provide him with those things and I wanted to, I saw no reason to test his love. I guess I was remembering what Milan had told me, that he was young, that guys stayed young for a long time, and if I could just make life perfect for him, he would eventually return the favor by giving me the only thing I wanted, a ring, any ring, as long as he put it on the third finger of my left hand. Seriously, I would have been happy with a
Pirates of the Caribbean
skull and bones ring, I wanted him to marry me. I wanted the security of being married.

I know that marriage doesn’t always mean forever. I had actually noticed that, but when it’s your first love, and when you are nineteen and twenty, and then starting to turn twenty-one, you still believe totally in marriage.

More stupidly, if you are a girl and your man is starting to pull back a little, you think that marriage will cement him right back to you, body and heart forevermore. Even now I still think that if I had pulled it together and made him just a little bit happier, Michael would have married me and I would be living the right life.

But I didn’t pull it together. I crumbled.

When he spent the night at his place, or said he did, I would call him every ten minutes. If he didn’t answer, I would text, texts where I tried to be funny or sexy but, let’s get real, fifty texts in twenty-four hours is going to make a girl look like a psycho stalker no matter what the actual words are.