Nothing Left to Burn (26 page)

“Another guy in our squad.”

“Ah. So are you excited to see your mom?”

I swirled my finger in the air. “Yay.”

Max snorted out a laugh. We didn’t say much for the rest of the trip. I fell asleep when we hit traffic and didn’t wake until we turned off I-84 a couple of hours later. I jolted to full consciousness in half a second, heart pounding and stomach threatening a rebellion.

“Good morning. You were really out,” Mrs. DeSantis said, waiting for traffic to clear for a left turn.

I shrugged. No point in restating the obvious. By the time Mrs. DeSantis pulled into the Fishkill Correctional Facility gate, my heart was trying to break out of my rib cage. We got out of the car and walked to the door, with me trailing farther and farther behind.

Max grabbed my arm. “So, Man, what’s the deal? You look kind of green.”

Made sense. I was about to throw up. I also had to pee. The day was beautiful—almost summertime. And I started to shiver. Mrs. DeSantis signed us in. I hovered near the door, trying to keep it together.

Max tugged on one of his earrings. “Okay, look. You’re a firefighter, Man. One of the bravest. You can do this.”

Oh crap! I couldn’t. I really couldn’t. I was a fraud—a total lie. I wasn’t brave. I hadn’t even fought in an actual fire. I was a pretender—a pretend kid to pretend parents pretending to be a firefighter in a pretend squad. I looked back at the door and wondered how long it would take me to walk back to the Becketts’ house.

“Spill, Jamison. What’s up?”

I clutched Max’s arms. “What if it’s true? What if she tells me—”

Max shook his head. “Tells you what?”

“Follow me, please.” The guard indicated a door, and we followed him through it, down a long corridor to a room with a bunch of tables arranged in a grid.

My mother sat at one of those tables, wearing an orange uniform. Her hair was pulled into a ponytail, and she wore no makeup. She smiled when she saw me, lines around her eyes and mouth I didn’t remember seeing before. “Mandy. Oh my God, look how gorgeous you are. You are so grown up.”

“Yeah, well, that’s what kids do.”

Her smile dimmed, but she waved a hand at the chair opposite hers. “Sit, sit. Tell me what’s new.”

What’s new? Seriously? Okay, fine. I sat down. “I’m in a new foster home. I’m captain of the junior squad at the Lakeshore Volunteer Fire Department. I kissed a boy and then told him to go away. Oh, and I might be concealing an arsonist—still working on that.” I waited a beat. “So that’s pretty much it. Bye.”

A hand suddenly gripped my arm. “Mandy, wait.” The guard didn’t like that. He walked over and gave Mom the side eye, and she let go. “Oh, honey. I’m so sorry.”

Pain ripped through me when her words sucked out my soul, and I squeezed my eyes shut. Sorry? Sorry didn’t even come close to scratching the surface.

“Amanda, look at me.”

I lifted my eyes and glared straight through her.

“Honey, I know you hate me, and I’m sorry. I made some mistakes—”

A laugh bubbled out of me all on its own. It wasn’t funny, and trust me, I wasn’t the least bit amused. But that was the biggest understatement in history. “Mistakes,” I echoed. “I remember the first time Dmitri came over to our place. He was pissed off that I was there.
You
didn’t tell me you had a kid
, he said. Remember that?”

She didn’t answer. Because she remembered it too.

“And you just smiled brightly and shrugged and assured him that your little Mandy was an angel. You made dinner, and all during the meal, Dmitri pretended I wasn’t there. He never said a single word to me. As soon as dinner was over, he asked you what time my bedtime was, and next thing I knew, I was tucked into my bed while it was still light outside. That was the first time you put him before me.”

“No.” Her mouth went tight, making more lines show up. “No, baby. I was trying to protect you. Things were still new, and I didn’t want you to get attached—”

“Oh please. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m too old for fairy tales. You know, I heard you fucking him that night. God, you were so desperate.”

Her eyes—my eyes—watered, but she soldiered on, changing the subject. “Tell me about the boy you kissed. Why did you send him away?”

“Because the Becketts have a strict no-boys rule. If I break their rules, I go back into the system, and I don’t want that to happen, because I really love living there.”

Mom jerked like I’d just stabbed her in the heart. Some tiny part of me pumped a fist and cheered.

“Do you like him?” she asked quietly.

Did I? I picked at a nick in the table and thought about that for a moment. “I do, but it’s more than just like. I might, maybe, love him.”

“You’re not sure?”

I blinked at the stupidity of that question. “How could I be sure? It’s not like I was ever exposed to love.”

“I never stopped loving you, baby. Ever.”

“Yeah, right,” I said with a sneer. “You dumped me with babysitters. You left me sitting in cars for hours on end while you dug yourself in deeper with Dmitri, and then
you
left
me
.” My voice rose with every word until I was shouting by the end of the sentence. The guard watched but didn’t intervene. Mrs. DeSantis and Max stood by the door. Max caught my eye and flashed a thumbs-up.

“I loved him, Amanda. Was I supposed to be alone for the rest of my life just because I had you?”

“No, Mom, but you were supposed to love me too. And you didn’t.”

She pressed her hands to her mouth and squeezed her eyes shut. “I know I made mistakes. I let him con me, baby. But I love you! You’re my baby girl, and I want us to be a family again. I’m getting out soon, and when I do, I want us to go somewhere. Anywhere. We’ll start over. Just you and me. No boys.”

My face went hot. More rules? When was anyone going to ask what
I
wanted? Was I not allowed to want things just because I was sixteen, just because I was a foster child? This was bullshit. I stood up, my chair scraping the floor. “I don’t want that.” I turned and took a step.

“Amanda!”

“Do me a favor. Don’t insist on any more visits. And don’t call me when you get out.”

Mom’s lip trembled. “Mandy, baby, please. I love you.”

“Mom, if you love me even a tiny bit, you’ll leave me alone and let me live my own life.”

I walked to the door and waited for the guard to let us out, absolutely determined not to let the sound of my mother’s sobs make me crack.

I had to be strong. I had to be brave. I would not end up like her. I damn well would never allow my own life to get fucked up because of some guy.

No matter how much I loved him.

***

Back in Mrs. DeSantis’s car, I sat in the backseat, my head on Max’s shoulder. He may treat girls like crap, but I wasn’t a girl. I was
Man
, and he was my squad brother.

Mrs. DeSantis was quiet on the long drive home. We hit a ton of traffic, and the rumbling in our bellies finally convinced Mrs. D to pull off at one of the rest stop fast-food chains along the route. I didn’t think I could eat, but strangely, I felt good after telling my mom off.

“Girl, you were
fierce
,” Max said again as we slid into a booth.

“Yeah, well, I had a reputation for bravery to uphold,” I said and popped a french fry into my mouth. Mrs. DeSantis sat at her own booth, across from us, tapping away on a tablet. Probably submitting case notes on my breakdown.

Max angled a look at Mrs. DeSantis and quietly asked, “So you think you’re in love with Logan?”

I lifted a shoulder. “Yeah. Maybe. I have no idea.”

He pulled in a deep breath. “Man, for what it’s worth, that boy is batshit crazy for you.”

A soft warmth spread over my body, and I squirmed. “Oh, he is not.”

“Hand to God,” Max said and held up his right hand. “He watches you. And it’s not weird, not like he’s stalking you. It’s because he can’t help himself. You’re like his sun.”

“His sun,” I repeated, liking the sound of that way too much. I sat with a burger in front of my lips for a full minute and finally thought of something to say. “He was gonna leave. And now he says he’s staying. For me. So…whatever.”

Max’s eyes snapped to mine. “Leave? What the hell are you talking about?”

I waved a hand. “Squad was just a way to keep some promise he made to Matt to get John’s respect. He got it. John gave him a big old pat on the back.”

“So we just wasted our time training him. That is seriously fucked up.” Max shoved back on his side of the booth, frowning at his food.

“No, not really. Like I said, now he plans to stay. I think Logan really likes firefighting and J squad.”

Max shook his head. “He lied to us. All this time, he lied.”

“No, he didn’t lie. He changed his mind.” And then I remembered the note he’d given me. “Look. He even gave me his good-bye note. Said he doesn’t need it anymore.”

Max took the crumpled paper and smoothed it out on the table beside his meal. As he read, his eyebrows crept closer and closer until he finally looked up at me, horrified.

“Holy hell, Man, do you know what this is?” He didn’t wait for an answer. “This is a suicide note.”

I choked on the soda I’d just sipped. “What? What are you talking about?”

Max rotated the paper and pointed to a line about halfway down the page. “
I’ll be at his altar.
You don’t recognize that?” When I shook my head, Max grabbed his iPhone, tapped the screen, and then shoved the phone at me. “Here.”

On his phone, he’d pulled up Google. I read the screen, and my mouth completely dried up. Oh crap. Oh shit, this was bad. Reece copied lines from Kurt Cobain’s suicide note. I wasn’t a Nirvana fan, barely even knew who Kurt Cobain was. The only thing I did know is that he killed himself. I never would have connected this but—
shit!
Gage had. And didn’t bother to spell it out for me.

Jesus Christ, what should we do? “What do I do, Max?” I pressed a hand to my chest, where my heart kicked like a stubborn mule every time I thought of Reece dead. “He gave me the note because he said he didn’t need it anymore. He said I’m the only one who knows about it.” What if that wasn’t true? What if Reece was actually planning…Oh God!

No.

No, I just could not let that happen.

“What about that kid Alex?”

I thought about that for a minute. Alex and Reece were best friends. They were in the chess club. They ate lunch together all the time. Well…they used to.

“If you’re right and he really is serious about J squad, that means Logan’s one of us, Man. A brother. And we have to protect him.”

Max held out his hand, and I clasped it—a promise made.

Chapter 27

Reece

You want to know why I’m writing you this? Because Matt made me promise—he made me fucking vow not to let you break me down.

I had to serve my detention. And after detention, I still had to study with Bear. At least I was spared the running of the bleachers. Max was with Amanda, and Gage was MIA. Alex found some studying to do while Bear schooled me on fire suppression techniques. After that, I spent forty minutes quizzing him for the biology final. He was jazzed about the way I taught him to remember the cranial nerves—sung to the tune of “The Twelve Days of Christmas.” It always helped Matt. By the time we were done for the day, it was after six.

We put away the books, and I grabbed Alex on the way out. I didn’t have the car today, so we started walking—Bear, Alex, and me.

“Alex, you getting sick or something? You’re really sweaty.” He also looked pale and kind of anxious while he played with his phone.

“I’m fine.”

I looked at him carefully. He was fine before I found Bear, but he sure wasn’t fine now. I hoped he wasn’t pissed off at me again. Bear and I talked about the fire as we walked, and Alex continued his sweaty, anxious silence. By the time we reached the firehouse, I thought I might explode. We headed upstairs to the second level and found Steve Conner’s office empty.

“He’s here. Look.” Bear pointed to a cup of coffee that steamed beside the computer.

I frowned. This was so damn hard; waiting wasn’t making it any easier.

Raised voices got our attention. “Oh, come on! This is bullshit,” my dad shouted.

I exchanged glances with Bear and Alex.

The chief spoke. “Lieutenant, this is serious.”

“Oh please. It’s typical Reece behavior we’ve been dealing with since he was born. Just ignore it.”

What behavior? They were talking about me? I left Steve Conner’s office with my face burning, only to find the chief and my dad talking to Amanda and Max. “Excuse me,” I interrupted. “What behavior are you all discussing?” And why the hell wasn’t I part of that discussion?

Chief Duffy turned, his face a study in concern. Amanda gasped and looked about ready to burst into tears. Dad looked pissed off—nothing unusual there.

“Cadet, why don’t we take this into my office?”

Dad flung up his hands. “Brian, believe me, this is just a cry for attention.”

“My office. Now.” Chief Duffy pointed one of those thick fingers toward the open door, and like trained pets, we all marched. The chief circled his desk and sat down in the leather chair. Dad took the same guest chair I’d used on my first day. The rest of us remained standing.

Everyone looked at me. I squirmed, uncomfortable being the specimen under the microscope.

“Son, why were you in Steve Conner’s office?”

I straightened my shoulders and tried not to fidget. “Waiting for him, sir. I wanted to talk to him about Saturday’s fire and my suspicions.”

“Excuse me?” Dad glared at me. “I told you to report to Steve Conner the day of the fire. Are you telling me you haven’t done that yet?”

Oh fuck. I looked at Amanda, but she shook her head, silently pleading with me to stay quiet.

I must be the world’s biggest ass. I was the hero for about a day. For one full day, I was the son my dad never acknowledged. I’d made him proud. And then I made a choice for a girl who couldn’t—or maybe wouldn’t—be with me.