Nothing but Smoke (Fire and Rain) (19 page)

“Yeah. Sure.” Michael’s voice was breathy and maybe a little nervous. Nicky wished it were darker so he didn’t see the worry on Michael’s face.

“I’ll see ya in a sec.” Nicky made his way to the door, grabbing a shirt so he wouldn’t be walking through the house naked.

“Yeah.” There was reluctance in Michael’s voice. “Um…do you want me to take the couch downstairs, then? Or the bed in your mom’s room? You should really sleep in the bed tonight, hon.”

Nicky’s chest swelled with feeling, but he wouldn’t call Michael out on his chivalry. He knew Michael would only balk and claim he was sleeping over because it was what Nicky needed.

“Whichever you want.” Nicky couldn’t think too hard on the weirdness of Michael sleeping in places his mom had been recently. “There are fresh sheets above the washing machine in the hall.”

Chapter Thirteen

“So, uh…do you want to do something tonight?” Michael set his coffee cup on the kitchen table and turned away to look in the cabinet for cereal. He and Nicky had been distant and formal all morning, but with Michael heading to work in an hour, Michael hoped to come up with a plan for the next time they’d meet.

In particular, he wanted to start steering their relationship in the “out” direction. Because there was no denying it. They were dating. And Michael would drag Nicky out of the closet kicking and screaming if necessary.

Nicky picked up Michael’s cup and took a sip out of it before opening the fridge to bend inside. “Sure. Like a movie?”

After the fireworks of their time together the night before, Michael wasn’t surprised Nicky was a little on edge.

“I was thinking maybe a bar. With some friends of mine.” Michael tensed, hoping Nicky didn’t balk and ruin Michael’s bubble of expectation.

“Yeah. I guess.” Nicky pulled some milk out of the fridge, his eyes guarded. He looked about twelve in his baggy sleep shirt and shorts. “You’d let me meet your friends?”

“Yeah. Of course.” Michael took a chance and reached for Nicky’s waist. Nicky came into his arms easily. More easily than Michael would have expected considering they both seemed to be treading carefully. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“I don’t know.” Nicky shrugged. “Do you need me to invite you to do something with the guys I know after? To be honest, I don’t know if I’m up for that yet.”

For an instant, Michael’s hands tightened in annoyance, but he tried to shake out the feeling before Nicky could react. This didn’t all have to happen in a day. Nicky had said a lot of things that had pissed Michael off the night before, but Nicky had been right about one thing—coming out didn’t have to occur in one fell swoop, or in a grand gesture where Nicky gathered up and told everyone he knew all at once.

Meeting Michael’s friends was a step. One of many. The first had been when Nicky invited him to dinner.

“It’s okay.” Michael tried to believe it was true, and he mostly did. “Though a couple of my friends are dating firefighters. Not sure you know them, but…” Michael had no idea how fast word might get around. He may as well lay out the situation for Nicky.

Nicky pulled in a breath deep enough to make his chest expand. He held it, like he wasn’t sure what to do, then blew it out in an exhalation that made him look like he’d shrunk two sizes. “That’s fine. I mean… It’s not like it’s some big secret.”

Michael twisted to grab more coffee, mostly to hide his smile.

“But would it be, like, a gay bar?”

“I don’t know.” Michael hadn’t set up anything concrete yet. He certainly wasn’t going to take Nicky anywhere too edgy. “I mean, there’d be gay people there, I guess.” Most of the places Michael and his friends went were a mixed bag of straights, gays and hipsters of questionable orientation. But he supposed the bar may be more gay than Nicky was used to.

“Do I need to wear anything specific?”

Michael was pretty sure Nicky didn’t own anything besides Levi’s and sweatpants. “It’s not like we’d go to a club or anything.” As brave of a face as Nicky put on, Michael knew asking the guy to dance was out of the question. “Your normal clothes’ll be fine.” When Nicky’s forehead creased like he was worried, Michael laughed. “I’ll help you dress later, okay?”

“Yeah. Sure.” Nicky cracked a small smile. “After I visit my mom, though, okay?”

“Of course.” Michael put his hand on Nicky’s arm. No way would Michael expect Nicky to suddenly abandon his mother now that she wasn’t living in his house. Though Michael did think Nicky could stand a little more time to have fun.

In fact, Michael had promised Nicky’s mother he’d help Nicky have fun. Though it was weird and twisted, and maybe he was misinterpreting the edict, Michael planned to do as she’d said. “Yeah. Visit your mom. I’ll see you when I get home from work.”

The place Michael’s friends had named turned out to be a cleaner and slightly brighter version of the types of places Nicky’s friends went to. The televisions on the walls played sports, though one was set to something that looked like MTV. Michael led him to a table where two people sat—a slender, somewhat effeminate dark-haired guy and a blond man who must have been six foot three.

The darker of the two stood slightly as he saw them approach, and waved to Michael. “Hey, honey! Glad to see you came up for air.”

Nicky wondered what the guy meant by that, but he was hit with a rush of understanding. The guy was talking about sex. Specifically, the sex Michael and Nicky were having. Bile rose in Nicky’s throat.

“Guys, this is Nicky.” Michael jutted his nose in the air, clearly ignoring his friend’s comment.

“Nicky, this is Henri…” Michael gestured at the dark-haired guy, who now that Nicky really looked at him did have French features. Namely, a longish nose and eyes dark enough to be black. “And Logan. Logan is a firefighter too.”

The blond guy leaned across the table to hold out a hand for Nicky to shake. “I’m at the 25. Not sure we’ve met.” He had a cute Southern accent that put Nicky at ease right away.

Gratefully, Nicky shook Logan’s hand. “I’m down at the 13.” He didn’t think he’d ever spoken to Logan, but the guy was mildly familiar. Nicky had probably seen him before.

“Grab a seat.” Henri scooted out of the booth, since he’d been sitting across from Logan, and gave Michael and Nicky the bench. “I’ll get drinks. What do you guys want?”

Michael eased into the bench first, thankfully giving Nicky the outer seat. “We’ll have beers,” Michael ordered for the both of them. “See if they have a pilsner on tap.”

Henri raised an eyebrow at Michael, calling him out for his pushiness.

“What?” Michael scrunched up his shoulders defensively. He turned to Nicky. “Did you want something different?”

Nicky smiled, but he rubbed his face to hide it. Something told him not to get on Henri’s bad side. “No, it’s fine. That’ll be great, thanks.” Between more packing, visiting his mother at All Saints, and now coming to his first gay bar ever, Nicky was far too overwhelmed to spend time thinking about what to order.

“See?” Michael gave his friend a haughty glare. “It’s fine.”

It was clear from the hand on his hip that Henri was unconvinced, but he flounced off to the bar.

When he came back a few minutes later, he’d managed to get a tray from the bar and carried over not only the beers Nicky and Michael had ordered, but also a round of shots.

“Henri’s like this.” Michael leaned into Nicky’s side. “We can go for a walk after if we need to sober up before driving home.”

Nicky smiled. He was glad Michael could see how Henri’s behavior was a little over the top. Eyes stinging from the alcohol, Nicky joined Michael in downing their small amber shots.

Across the table from them, Henri sat next to Logan. Logan pressed a kiss onto Henri’s mouth, and—seemingly in retaliation—Henri took a large swallow out of Logan’s pint glass. Logan grabbed Henri’s flank, and after a heated glance between them, they dove at each other’s faces, playing tonsil hockey like a couple high school kids.

“Ahem!” Michael’s throat clearing was obvious enough that Henri stopped what he was doing to glare.

“What?”

“We didn’t come here for a live sex show.” Michael moved his beer in front of him like he was building a wall between him and Henri.

“I don’t mind,” Nicky said under his breath. He’d have thought it would be weird, watching two men kiss in public. But Henri and Logan’s display put Nicky at ease. At least no one would be staring at Nicky and Michael.

Henri tossed a coaster across the table like a Frisbee. It hit Michael’s beer and ricocheted off. “You’re always such a prude, chéri. Nicky must be quite a man to have gotten a piece of your clenched buttocks.”

Nicky coughed mid-sip, sending droplets spraying across the table. “I… I don’t…” He rushed to wipe the beer off his face, eyeing the table in vain for a napkin. “Shit. I’m sorry.” Nicky couldn’t handle looking up and seeing whether Logan and Henri had gotten wet, so he hopped up to borrow a bar towel.

He sighed out a few deep breaths, calming himself as he went to grab napkins out of the holder on the bar. When he turned, he saw that Logan had come over to meet him.

“Hey. Um, sorry if you got sprayed.” Nicky held out a napkin.

“No worries.” Logan wiped his hands. He gave Nicky a sympathetic smile. “You holding up okay?”

Nicky wasn’t sure whether Logan was referring to the bar scene or whether Logan knew something about Nicky’s mom.

“I guess.” Nicky glanced over to their table where Michael and Henri looked like they were arguing, and decided not to rush to get back.

“Henri told me you’re new to this.” Logan jutted his chin in a gesture that meant “this gay bar thing”. “I just moved to Seattle around Christmas, and I wasn’t really out until a few months ago. It’s a little weird at first.”

“Nah. It’s not too strange.” Between working twenty-four-hour shifts, taking care of his mother nonstop, and now sleepovers with Michael, Nicky had lost his sense of normal. “It might be weird if I came alone, y’know, but with Michael…”

Everything he did with Michael was fun. Even packing and hauling things out of his mom’s house. Nicky couldn’t imagine trying to make a life for himself as a gay man without Michael being there for him.

“Oh, yeah. I imagine.” Logan took another swig of his beer and gave a good-natured chuckle. “And Henri’s been so cool. You know the first time I brought him to my place I hadn’t come out to my roommates?” Logan’s belly laugh made Nicky want to join in, even though his stomach started to squirm. “Thought Henri would tear me a new one over that. But he was good about it.”

“I’m not out to my family,” Nicky blurted, feeling like he had to confess to someone. Granted, his family was only his mom, but it felt like more than that. The guys at the station, Nicky didn’t care about. He’d been the poor guy with the dying mom for so long that them finding out he was the poor guy who was gay probably wouldn’t be a stretch. But it wasn’t just his mom he was lying to. It was the folks at All Saints, and Father MacKenzie…

Nicky felt split into different pieces.

“That’s okay.” Logan shrugged. “Sometimes these things take a while.”

“Yeah.” Nicky gave a rueful laugh that came out more like a snarl. “I don’t really have a while, though.”

Logan tilted his head, his eyebrows lowering in question, but he didn’t ask Nicky to clarify.

“It’s just my mom, really. And she’s…” He couldn’t say she was
dying
to this guy he just met, as nice as Logan seemed.

“Oh, yeah. Henri told me.” Logan gave Nicky that frown Nicky had gotten so used to. Sympathy and kindness, but packaged in a way that made it clear the person had no idea what to say.

“Yeah. No worries. I mean… Not like I’m over it. But I’m coming to terms with things.” That morning, Nicky had scheduled a counseling session at All Saints—something they offered for families with dying relatives. He hadn’t mentioned it to Michael. Nicky didn’t know why, but he needed to work things out on his own before he could let Michael in.

“Well, that’s good. For you,” Logan stammered, but Nicky could tell he was trying. “But if it’s just her that doesn’t know, does it matter?” He flipped his hands palm up in a move of supplication. “Does she have to?”

Nicky glanced away, scanning the bar for Michael and Henri.

“It’s none of my business.”

“No. It’s okay.” Of course, Nicky had considered Logan’s perspective. Over and over. Hell, his mom barely remembered things Nicky told her from day to day. In all likelihood if he told her he was gay, it wouldn’t even register.

He still felt a dark place in his heart though, like there was this huge part of himself he couldn’t share with her and who she’d never know because he was too scared.

“Hey there, guys.” Henri came bounding up, followed by Michael, and climbed onto a barstool next to Logan. “What have you handsome fellows been talking about?”

Logan smirked. “You, baby. All about you.”

Henri beamed.

Nicky wished he could come up with something that snarky to say to Michael, but since his mind was full of whether or not he needed to come clean with his mother, he buried his face in Michael’s neck instead, breathing in the smell of comfort and happiness, and trying to forget all his questions.