Not To Us (34 page)

Nick left it unfinished.

I remember stopping in his room after the wedding to check on him and recall him at this very laptop typing away, probably, this e-mail. He loved her so much. I wrap my arms tightly around myself and try to capture my son in my arms. The grief I feel is overwhelming. I stagger to his bed and lie down on top of the covers and close my eyes.

“Nicky,” I whisper. “I love you so much.” I give into the grief and feel it steal over my body like a black mist. I’m so sad. Yet, I can hear his voice so clear, saying it’s going to be okay. “Do you think so, Nick? How do you know?” I whisper to the empty room, now.

≈≈

I awaken up to the pitch black of Nick’s room and the incessant ringing of my cell phone and answer automatically.

“Ellie,” Court whispers.

The sound of his voice brings back memories of his incredible smile. It serves like a lifeline from the sadness I’ve been battling the past hour.

“Kimberley told me that she told you
not
to call me,” I say, sitting up in the dark.

“Well, she’s on a plane, so there’s not much she can do about it. Ellie, are you okay?

“I’m okay,” I say with a sigh. “This whole thing…it’s surreal; isn’t it? Are you okay?”

My emotions surface all at once, just hearing Court’s voice causes these dormant feelings for him to come to life inside.
But I love Michael.

“I’m okay. Kind of,” he says, uncertain. “I’m just sorry you got pulled into this mess, sorry about everything.”

“I haven’t seen anything come out yet. How bad is it?”

“That depends on what you told Michael,” he says in that charming way of his. I haven’t heard his voice in so long, part of me gives way upon hearing it.

“I told him everything,” I say quickly, but fear begins to take hold because this isn’t true. I didn’t tell Michael everything about Court Chandler. I flush in the darkness unable to control the heat that begins to pulsate inside of me, just thinking of our intimate moments in Italy.

“So you told him about Italy, at the pool?” Court says slowly.

“Nooooooo. Oh God. That’s the photo they’re running?”

My pulse mind races, working through who would have seen us. Somehow, I thought it would be something from the places we saw in London. I didn’t think anyone saw us while we were in Italy.

“Yes, that’s what they’re running. It was one of the most memorable moments of our time together, Ellie, but, it was private, not for the public.”

“Oh God,” I say, helpless now. “You’ve seen it?”

“Yeah, they’ve already run it in Europe. Eve’s seen it. If she wasn’t going to divorce me before, she’s ready to now.”

I begin to wonder if Michael has seen the photo. Or, if there’s some way I can prevent that from happening.

“Ellie, are you
listening
to me? I want to see you, be with you. Maybe, all of this is happening for a reason. Maybe, we’re supposed to be together.”

“Courtney Chandler, this is an untenable situation and we both know it.”

“No! Even if I lose everything
—
”

“You’re not going to lose
everything
,” I say with a sigh.

It’s impossible to explain to a guy under thirty what losing a child is like. How it in no way can be compared to the devaluation of the high tech stock of a company or the loss of a job even as CEO or the loss of someone’s integrity or stature.
Everything
to Court means something entirely different to him than it does to me. Sadness takes over as I think of Nick and Elaina and even Michael when he sees this photograph.

“I’ve got to find Michael before he sees that photo.” My breath gets uneven as the panic surges, knowing what it will mean if Michael were to see that intimate scene of Court and me pool side.

“It means nothing without you in my life. I have to see you. I’m sorry Ellie about the way things ended between us. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did…I shouldn’t have brought you back.”

“Court,” I say with a heavy sigh. “This is untenable.”

“But, real enough,” he says back to me. “I think of you all the time. I want to be with you. Ellie, tell me you’ve thought about me, too. You have; haven’t you?”

“Yes, but Court this is untenable. We both agreed.”

“I love you, Ellie. Tell me you feel the same way.”

I don’t answer, all at once, I’m confused and afraid. I sit up further on Nick’s bed, just as Michael turns on the lamp next to the chair, where unbeknownst to me he’s been sitting in the dark the entire time. This rage emanates from him while his handsome face contorts with inconsolable sorrow and betrayal.

“I have to go.” I end the call with Court in mid-sentence and stare at Michael, quickly running through my head how my side of the conversation with Court would sound to him. “Michael…I…”

“Untenable, but real enough, with Court Chandler,” Michael says harshly.

“No, it’s not. He was just calling…to say he was sorry.”

“So that wasn’t him saying we can make this work; I want to see you? Come on, Ellie, I heard what he said and I heard what you said back to him. He thinks about you all the time and you’ve been thinking about
him
.”

“I didn’t mean it,” I say, but my face flushes and he sees it.

“I don’t believe you,” Michael says with cold indifference.

His words slice through me, but then, he takes me into his arms. He kisses me in desperation. It’s as if he’s torn between believing me or not and in search of a way to trust me. Misinterpreting what he’s doing, I kiss him back just as passionately and give way, when his hand slips inside my robe and reaches further down. He stops.

“You’re
hot
for him,” Michael says in disbelief. “I guess it’s
real enough
with him.” He staggers back from me.

“No!” I say in a panic. “It’s you. It’s only you.” I tremble, knowing my body has just betrayed me and all my lies have come undone.

“You’re lying to me even now. I
heard
you on the phone with him, Ellen Kay. All that intimate talk about Italy. How memorable it was. You still
want
him. You still think about him.” The sadness in his voice reaches at me.

Without another word, my surgeon goes to the sink, washes his hands, while I slip to the floor, hanging my head in shame.
What have I done? Why have I done this?

My lies dangle between us like downed power wires, still live, sparking with electricity, too hot to touch, lying in wait to electrocute us both if we dare reach out to one another.

Reality comes swiftly. I’ve risked everything with Michael in being with Court Chandler.
Everything.
I watch our relationship end right in front of me at the look on his face now.

“I don’t know who you are, anymore. I don’t think
you
even know who you are.”

“Michael, I
do
know who I am and what I want. I love you.
I came back!
Don’t do this to us.” My breathing gets more erratic; I’m undone by his fury and his sudden distrust.

“I didn’t do this to us, Ellen Kay,
you did
. I take ownership for my part, but you need to own up to yours. You don’t seem to know what you want.” His eyes glint with anger. “And, I’m not going to serve as your second choice because he couldn’t deal with your
cancer
.”

I look up at him in surprise while this ominous feeling courses through me. “Don’t do this. You’ve got to believe me.”

“I don’t anymore,” he says. “Something you said that first night keeps coming back to me. You said he brought you back. I didn’t want to believe what you meant by that at the time. I didn’t even want to ask, too afraid of the answer, but deep down I
knew.”
Michael takes a deep breath and looks at me closely. He shakes his head and gets this bitter smile. “He brought you back because he couldn’t deal with
cancer
. His mom died of it ten years ago; right?
He
brought you back, Ellie.” Michael looks at me with true heartbreak. “But you weren’t coming back; were you?”

I’m too shocked by his accusation and its close proximity to the truth at the time. I reach for him again, but he easily breaks my hold and stalks from the room.

I follow him to our bedroom. His anger is palpable.

“Don’t do this, Michael. Please. You’ve got to believe me.” He haphazardly throws his clothes into a suitcase. It’s as if I’m in the center of seesaw traversing either side, trying to find the middle ground and steady the scale, desperate to restore a semblance of truth between us.

“Michael, there’s a picture of Court and me at the pool in Italy. It’s
—
”

“I’ve seen it! It’s all over the news. CNBC, CNN, every six o’clock news channel on the West Coast ran the salacious story, Ellen Kay. You’re famous, almost as famous as your fucking lover, Court Chandler.”

I close my eyes and sink to the floor. “Please don’t leave me.”

“I have to. I feel like I’m dying right along with you. I want to be with you, Ellie. I love you, but I don’t want to be your second choice.”

“You’re not my second choice. I want to be with you, Michael. I want to live because of
you
.”

“I don’t believe you,” he says sadly.

He grabs his bags and leaves without another backward glance. Desperate, I race after him down the stairs and almost fall. He looks anxious, reaches out, and steadies me, then abruptly lets go of me as if he’s been burned by the contact.

“How can I convince you that I love you, Michael, only you?”

I’m not sure you can,” Michael says unevenly. He moves towards the door, then hesitates, and finally looks at me. “Get Court Chandler out of your life, once and for all.”

I watch Michael drive away. My body sags against the doorway for support. It feels as if he’s taken my life away with him.

≈ ≈ ≈