Not Meant To Be Broken (19 page)

Amber

When Zach parked his Hummer in the driveway of my old home, my stomach coiled with nerves. The last time I’d been here, I’d been a different person. So much had changed in the last couple of months, and yet I was terrified that I would somehow revert to my old self once I set foot into the house where I’d hidden myself away for three years. Zach squeezed my hand. Brian didn’t wait for us. He slipped out of the backseat and opened the trunk to unload our luggage and Pumpkin’s carrier. “You look nervous,” Zach said. “Shouldn’t I be the one who’s nervous? After all your father’s going to roast me for dating you.”

“He promised to go easy on you.”

“Well, that’s a consolation.” Zach kissed my cheek. “Now come. We don’t want to make your dad wait. He’s already watching us.”

My head whirled around. And indeed Dad was standing on the porch, his eyes focused on us. I opened the car door and got out. Zach grabbed our bag before he came to my side and took my hand. Together we walked toward Dad who was staring at me like I was an apparition. His eyes kept darting to my hand, which was linked with Zach’s. We stopped in front of him and Zach let go of me to shake hands with my father who didn’t say anything. I didn’t think he was doing it to intimidate Zach; he looked too stunned for words. When Zach stepped back, I moved toward Dad and wrapped my arms around him. He froze, but then he hugged me back lightly. His hands barely touched my back as if he was scared of breaking me. I still didn’t exactly feel comfortable with physical contact most of the time, but this brought back only good memories. Memories of a time when everything was still as it was supposed to be. When I drew back after a moment, Dad’s eyes were filled with tears. He still didn’t say anything. I could see how hard he was fighting for composure. Heat pressed against my eyeballs but I didn’t want to cry today.

Dad squeezed the bridge of his nose, drew in a deep breath, then he nodded toward the front door. “Let’s go in. It’s too cold to stand on the porch all day.”

The moment I stepped inside, my throat tightened. I wasn’t sure why. It was ridiculous to be scared of a place. This wasn’t even where I’d been attacked. But it was the place where I’d tried to kill myself twice, where I’d learned to hate life and myself, where I’d spent hours resenting my father for saving me, and my brother for leaving my father alone with me. Three years of darkness and despair, of fear and frustration – that’s what the house meant for me. The memories of those three years covered up every good memory I’d made in the sixteen years before the incident. What if the darkness and despair harbored in these walls were strong enough to cover up every good memory I’d made since I’d moved out? I still remembered the day I’d tried to kill myself for the second time. I’d taken one of the razorblades Dad kept hidden in his sock drawer and I’d sat down on the bathroom floor because I didn’t want to ruin the carpet in the other rooms and then I’d drawn the blade across my skin. It had hurt like hell and I didn’t get a deep cut on the first try, so I had to do it again with more pressure. My palms were slick with blood and sweat, but I wasn’t crying. I was calm, my hands steady. I watched the blood trickling out of my wound for a long time until eventually I had to lie back and lost consciousness. Today, I couldn’t imagine doing something like that again, not only because I didn’t want to hurt those around me, but also because I wanted to live. And yet I could remember the despair of that day as if I was actually feeling it right this second.

Dad was talking but I didn’t hear him. Oh God, not a panic attack. Please. I didn’t want to lose it in front of dad who actually looked happy for once, or Brian who had been looking forward to Thanksgiving, or Zach whom I’d almost convinced that I could be a normal girl. I wanted to be normal. I wanted to go through life without fear and anxiety and panic attacks.

Zach cupped my cheeks and his face filled my vision, his eyes intent on mine. I focused on their blue color until there was no room for anything else. I breathed in and out, tried to calm the pounding of my pulse, tried to forget the past. Zach didn’t say anything, but even without words he anchored me in the present, built an invisible barrier between the hurtful past and me. I swallowed, then released a long breath. “Okay?” Zach whispered.

I nodded. He dropped his hands. Brian and Dad were watching us, and I couldn’t help but feel ashamed for freaking out like that.

Zach

Amber disappeared in the bathroom to splash her face with water. The moment the door closed behind her, her dad turned toward me. “Let’s go into the living room and talk.”

Brian, the traitor, didn’t join us. He went up to his room. I was surprised he didn’t want to be present when his dad roasted me. I sank down on the brown sofa and Amber’s dad took a seat in an armchair across from me. “Call me Joseph,” he said, then he eyed me closely. “You’ve been dating Amber for a while now.”

“Six weeks,” I said. I decided not to mention that I’d never been in a serious relationship before. Fathers usually didn’t like that.

“Brian told me a lot about you.”

Of course, he had. “Okay,” I said slowly.

“I don’t care about that. Well, I did before I saw you and Amber together, but now…” He trailed off. “Today I saw glimpses of the daughter I lost three years ago. I thought she was gone completely.” I could tell that he was struggling for composure. He clenched his hands at his side and his gaze flitted to a frame at the wall. In it was a photo of his entire family: Amber, Brian, Joseph and his wife. It was the first photo I’d seen of Amber’s mother. She had Amber’s nose and eyes. Amber didn’t have family photos in her room. She didn’t have any photos of herself or her life before the rape anywhere. “But Amber has gone through a lot. First her mother’s death. She and Brian had to see their mother waste away slowly, and then the attack. That leaves scars. I’m not sure what would happen if things between you and her ended badly. A little over two years ago, I came home early from work because of a migraine, and Amber didn’t answer when I called her name. I ran upstairs and found her on the bathroom floor in a pool of her own blood, barely breathing. If I had returned home later, she would have been dead. I don’t ever want to experience that again. Don’t break her heart. I’ve lost my wife, I won’t lose my daughter too.”

I didn’t even know what to say to that. I nodded, feeling as if a heavy weight had been dumped on my chest.

Amber

I froze in front of the living room, shocked. I couldn’t believe Dad had made it sound as if Zach could be responsible for another suicide attempt if he left me. It would hurt horribly if things between Zach and me didn’t work out, but I’d come too far to kill myself over something like that. I wanted to live with or without Zach.

I made sure to let them hear my footsteps as I entered the living room. Dad got up at once, smiling. He still looked at me in wonder. “I need to call your aunt.”

I waited until he was gone before I sat down beside Zach. “You look like you saw a ghost.”

He smiled, but it wasn’t as bright as usually. “Your dad is an intimidating guy,” he joked.

I snorted. “No, he isn’t.” Zach didn’t say anything else about the conversation and I didn’t want to bring it up. I wanted to enjoy Thanksgiving.

My aunt and uncle were as surprised about the changes in me as my dad had been. It was wonderful to sit around a table with everyone without having worried glances thrown my way. In the last few years everyone had always waited for me to have a nervous breakdown, but today Zach was the center of attention. Everyone loved them, especially my little cousins. Zach carried them around on his shoulders and told them about his fights. Even Brian laughed like he hadn’t laughed in years. Life was good.

Amber

It was only one week till Christmas. I’d bought a calendar with gorgeous photos of Patagonia for Zach, but I still needed something else. I was bad at buying gifts for others. Maybe I needed to take Reagan up on her offer to help me with my Christmas shopping this year. One pre-Christmas gift I’d planned for tonight wasn’t exactly a gift, though I had a feeling that Zach would be more excited about it than about the calendar.

Zach and I were snuggled against each other on the sofa, and he was trailing his fingers up and down my arm. It was distracting. The credits played on the TV screen but I was barely paying attention. Zach’s hand moved lower and began drawing gentle circles on my hip. All through the movie, I’d been thinking about my decision. I wanted to be absolutely sure that I was ready before I told Zach. I didn’t want to have to push him away. He’d been so patient with me.

Zach leaned back and stretched, revealing a sliver of his muscled stomach. I loved running my hand over it, over Zach’s entire body. I loved how velvety his penis felt in my palm, how I could make him tremble under my touch. I felt powerful when we were in bed together. Since the incident sex had always equated being powerless and losing control, but with Zach I’d discovered that it didn’t have to be that way. I wanted Zach. I really wanted to be with him, wanted to finally rid myself of that last barrier from the past. Butterflies swarmed in my stomach. My body yearned for Zach’s touch, for the feel of his skin against mine.

Zach noticed me staring and cocked one eyebrow. I wished I could do that. For me it’s either both eyebrows, or none. “Do I have something on my face?”

For a few moments I didn’t say anything then I shook my head. I wrapped my hand around Zach’s, then stood and tugged at his arm. Without hesitation he also got to his feet, confusion clear on his face. “Amber? What’s the matter?”

I bit my lip, embarrassed to voice my request. I curled a hand around his neck, pulled him down to me and kissed him, then I murmured against his mouth. “I want to sleep with you.”

Zach pulled back to search my eyes. “Are you sure?”

I nodded and began leading him toward his bedroom. He followed silently. I closed the door. Brian was at Lauren’s but I didn’t want to risk him walking in on us. It was still difficult enough for him to watch Zach and me kiss. I turned. Zach stood in the middle of the room. There was a bulge in his pants. I smiled at him, walked toward the bed and sat down. Zach watched me with so much intensity that it sent a thrill through me. “Won’t you join me?” I asked in amusement. I scooted up on the mattress and patted the spot beside me.

Zach shook off his stupor and came toward the bed. He lay down beside me and leaned over me until our faces were only inches apart. “You can say no any time, you know that, right?”

“I know.” I caught his lips in another kiss, my tongue darting out to meet his. Our kiss became more urgent, kindling a fire of desire in my belly. I pushed my hands under Zach’s shirt, feeling his hot skin, the firm muscles, the trail of fine hairs that disappeared in his waistband. Zach groaned as my palm grazed his bulge. He sat up and I pulled the shirt over his head, revealing his perfect chest. He pressed up to me and slid a hand under my shirt, tracing the edge of my bra then flicking a finger over my nipple through the cup. I twitched at the sensation. He cupped my breast through my bra, running his thumb back and force over my hard nub, sending small shivers of pleasure down my spine. I hummed in agreement when he helped me out of my shirt and unhooked my bra, revealing my breasts.

He bent over me and placed a soft kiss against the hollow of my throat, then slowly worked his way toward my left breast. Oh God. He licked the underside, then circled around until his tongue reached the edge of my nipple. I arched my back, wanting him to lick it, but he only kissed it very softly. I bit my lip as he kissed my nub over and over again, the touch feather soft. Wetness pooled between my legs. “Zach,” I half moaned. He was playing around. And while I loved his playful side, right now I wanted something else.

He peered at me over my breast and pressed another gentle kiss against my nipple. I was burning up with need and his teasing drove me almost insane. “Hm?” he said, bringing one hand up to circle my other breast. His thump lightly grazed one nipple as he kissed the other. “I need more,” I brought out.

“More?” Zach raised his eyebrows as if he didn’t know what I meant. I pressed my knee against his crotch and found him rock hard. He pulled back with a growl. “I want to take this slow, Amber.”

“This is too slow,” I protested and caught a glimpse of his smirk before he lowered his head and his hot lips closed around my nipple. He suckled it, first slowly then faster, and his thumb on my other nipple flicked back and forth at the same pace. I could feel every jolt of pleasure all the way between my legs. Zach watched me as he teased my breasts with his tongue and lips. I closed my eyes, still not able to meet his gaze when we were intimate. He sucked my nipple harder and a moan slipped past my lips. I was so wet. How was that even possible?

Zach’s hand moved away from my nipple but his mouth kept up its sucking. He unbuttoned my jeans, then sat up to slide them off. His eyes trailed up my legs as his hands glided over them, then my hips and stomach until they cupped my breasts. He kneaded them gently, then lowered his mouth and licked my left nipple. His hand brushed my stomach, one finger slipping beneath the edge of my panties teasingly.
Yes.
I made a sound deep in my throat and I could feel Zach smiling against my breast.
Tease.
He moved his hand down until his finger slid between my folds, my soaked panties clinging to my core. “Fuck,” he ground out. “So fucking wet.”

He rubbed his finger back and forth, causing more wetness to pool out. I lifted my hip, hoping he’d get the hint. He chuckled, sat up and spread my legs, then propped himself between them. He looked at me and grinned like the cat that ate the canary.
Do it.

He kissed my opening through my panties, spreading me even wider. His mouth was so hot against my center as he dusted soft pecks against my clothed folds. Tingles spread from my center through my entire body. My toes curled. He moved the crotch of my panties aside and kissed the skin there, drawing in a deep breath. He drove me insane. I pressed my lips together, almost not able to bear the tension building in my body. He trailed his tongue along the ridge between my thighs and my core, back and forth, slowly, teasingly.

“You smell so good,” he moaned. “But I know you taste even better.” He hooked his fingers under my panties, then looked up. His eyes were hooded with desire. At one time a look like that would have sent me into a panic but now my body responded with a sweet tingling between my legs. I raised my hips so Zach could easily slide my panties down. He dropped them on the ground, then slid his hands below my butt, squeezing the cheeks. He gripped my waist, pushed me further up the bed and knelt before me on the mattress before he spread my legs and lay down between them. His breath fanned over my wet folds, making me shiver. “I can’t wait to taste you,” he whispered as he kissed my opening, then my folds and my clit.

I jerked and gasped at the feel of his lips against me. He was so good at this. His fingers parted my folds and his tongue darted out, nudging my clit for the briefest moment before his mouth cupped it. I threw my head back and closed my eyes.

“Oh God,” I groaned. He gently sucked on me, slow and unhurried, sending spikes of pleasure through me with every tug of his lips. I squirmed under his administrations. Every time I got close to shattering in pleasure, Zach released my clit and kissed my inner thigh, driving me so insane with need I wasn’t sure I could stand it much longer. “Please,” I whispered.

He brushed another kiss over my folds, then my clit, before closing his lips over it and continuing his sucking. Slowly he increased the speed of his lips and I could feel my pleasure building again. This time Zach didn’t pull back. He sucked harder and faster, his hands moving up my body to knead my breasts. He clamped by nipples between two fingers and twisted, and at the same time sucked my clit hard. I squeezed my eyes shut, my legs shuddering as my orgasm crashed over me, riding through wave after wave of pleasure. My fingers clawed the sheets, my butt lifting as I gasped and moaned. Slowly I came down. Zach was still between my legs, kissing me and occasionally trailing his tongue over my core and clit. “I love licking you.”

And I love being licked by you, I thought but was too shy to say aloud. He brought one of his hands between my legs and gently rubbed a finger between my fold, then over my opening but he didn’t enter me. Zach glanced up at me. “We don’t have to do this,” he said quietly, and I realized I’d tensed up at the light pressure against my opening.

“I want to,” I said, trying to relax. Zach didn’t take his eyes off me, as he slid his fingertip into me. I was wet and it felt nice, especially when Zach started rubbing my clit again. I relaxed even further. He eased his finger into my core, pumping it in and out at a leisurely pace. As my pleasure started building again, he pulled out, then nudged my opening with two fingers. Kissing my thigh, he slid them in very slowly. My muscles contracted but I was so wet, it wasn’t uncomfortable. Zach hummed in satisfaction as he began pumping in and out. “You are so wet, honey. I love that I did that to you. I could spend all my life with my head between your legs.” I was too turned on to be embarrassed about his words.

“Zach,” I said. “I want you now.” Zach pulled his fingers out and shoved down his pants, his penis standing to attention. I’d touched his hardness more than once but now that he knelt between my legs, a tiny hint of nervousness overcame me. He pushed a condom down his length, and lowered himself to his forearms, his erection pressed against my thigh, and kissed my throat, then my cheek and temple before meeting my eyes. “You can say ‘no’, Amber. Any time. Always.” He kissed my lips. I shook my head. I wanted this. I’d wanted this for a while. He captured my mouth in another kiss, and I met his tongue with mine, but Zach made no move to push into me. He drew back a couple of inches. “Then tell me you want this. I need to hear you say it.” My heart swelled with love for him.

“I want this.” After a kiss, I added, “I want you.”

Zach shifted and brought a hand between us, guiding his erection until the head was pressed against my opening. Then he slid his arm back up and cupped my cheek in his palm, his eyes fixed on mine. I lay my palms flat against his back, feeling his muscles flex as he moved his hips and slid into me inch by inch. My eyes fluttered shut at the feeling of him inside me. “Is this okay? I’m almost all the way in,” Zach ground out in a strained murmur. “Tell me if I’m hurting you. If you need me to stop.”

“It’s okay.” It didn’t hurt. There was only the sensation of being full. I’d worried sleeping with Zach would bring back haunting memories, but this had nothing to with what had been done to me years ago. This was loving and gentle and perfect. The feeling of Zach’s body on top of me, the feeling of him in me, made me feel safe and cherished. Tears prickled my eyes and slid out. Zach tensed and started to pull out, but I held onto him. “No. Don’t.”

“You’re crying,” he said quietly.

I opened my eyes and smiled before kissing him. “Because I’m happy.”

Zach looked stunned, then relieved. “So you don’t want me to stop.”

I shook my head. “I want you to move.”

Zach pulled almost all the way out, then pushed back in, slowly picking up pace. Every stroke of his erection sent a shiver of pleasure through my body. I moaned against Zach’s lips and his own pants were coming faster. He reached under me and lifted my butt, changing the angle. I gasped at the sensation but I didn’t look away from Zach. I wanted to be with him physically and mentally. Our eyes were locked, and with every thrust I could feel a tiny piece of my past breaking away.
They didn’t win.
They’d wanted to break me, wanted to destroy me and my future but as I looked into Zach’s loving face I knew this was only the beginning of my life. The past no longer had a choke hold on me.

“Come for me, Amber,” he whispered. I was barreling closer and closer toward my peak with every thrust, and then I tumbled over. I cried out, my entire body tensing, my core muscles clenching. Zach moved even faster, low growls slipping from his lips. His muscles tensed under my fingers and with a shudder he let out a low moan as his own release gripped him. His movements slowed as he rained down kisses all over my face, then he stopped, eyes searching mine. He wiped a tear from my face and kissed the tip of my nose before he pulled out and threw the condom into the trash as he lied down beside me and wrapped his arms around me, pressing my head against his sweaty chest. “Are you okay?” Zach whispered when our breathing had slowed.

I nodded, then raised my head to kiss him. “Better than okay.” Then I put my cheek back down on his chest. “I love you, Zach.”

His fingers on my hair paused, then he brushed his lips against the top of my head. He didn’t say anything and eventually I was too sleepy to wait any longer, and drifted off.

***

We were woken the next morning by the ringing of Zach’s phone. He reached for it and answered the call with me still snuggled against his chest. From the way his voice hardened, I knew he was talking to his father.

“Tomorrow?” He paused. “Yeah, sure. I’ll see what I can do. Yeah. I’ll let you know asap.” He hung up and flung his phone back on his nightstand.