Not In Kansas Anymore

T
wo brawny men with tattoos had just allowed me to enter the Vampire and Victims Ball when young Nichole, a divorced mother of two who makes her living as a hairdresser, greeted me with a moan. I'd met the newbie witch some months ago during a gathering of her Salem coven. This night she was looking lovely in a nun's habit. On her forehead, as though branded there, was the blackened image of a crucifix. From her pallor, I gathered that she was supposed to be a dead nun.

Mock-swooning against me, she asked in a whisper, “Is this really me in here?”

A weighty question, particularly when asked by a witch posing as a Bride of Christ. I had hardly an instant to ponder before a red-haired woman in a backless evening gown interrupted.

“Are you beating people?” she asked.

“Yes. I think I am,” Nichole answered. Crucifixes were popular that evening. A large wooden one had been set up in the back room so that partyers could be tied to it and lashed.

“Do you know how?” the red-haired woman asked.

Nichole shook her wimpled head.

“Come with me.”

The room was dark and the music sounded like African drumming. A witch named Christian Day wandered by to flick his tongue and roll his eyes in what seemed to be a parody of a silent-movie vamp. A totally bald vampire with Spock ears was appropriately stern. A handsome young swain in a frock coat and a high-collared satin shirt looked beautifully sulky. A pasty-faced vamp with a top hat, long white hair, and dark glasses was thin-lipped as he took his blond bride in his arms. On her bosom were two fake puncture marks and a dribble of blood, also fake.

Real vampires, as opposed to those who only dress up as vamps, come in two main types: those who drink blood, called sanguine, and those who feast on other people's energy, called psi, or psychic. For psi vampires, parties raise energy, which makes them good places to feed. For blood vamps, a drop or two was certain to be spilled before the sun rose.

I had come to this costume party looking for magic, not the tricks of conjurers but the real stuff, the kind of magic that bends reality to a wizard's will. I'd been warned that it is dangerous to fool with people who believe they can do magical things—people such as wizards and vampires, Satanists and voodoo priestesses, high magicians and conjurers of the black arts. I had no trouble finding such people. They exist in considerable numbers, and not just in California. They're in Cleveland and Rochester, Milwaukee and Dallas, Orlando and Chapel Hill. They're all over the South. And in New York City, of course. Everything is in New York City. I wasn't warned by magical people themselves, who were often as eager to protest their goodness as fresh-dunked Baptists. It was the mundanes who issued dire predictions. Mundanes are how ordinary people are often described by those in the magical community. Sometimes, borrowing from the Harry Potter books, they're called muggles.

They're power-hungry, the mundanes said of the magical people. They're immoral, people said, and they're scary. Playing with the dark arts could plunge me into evil. I'd be pulled toward depravity, they said. Blasphemy would begin to seem like truth, bad like good, God like Satan. It had happened to people through the centuries, they said. And they were right. All that did happen.

Others greeted my enterprise with derision. You'll be on a journey, they said, but don't expect to arrive at the heart of darkness. The epicenter of silly will be more like it. And they were right too. All the warnings proved true, and yet as Hamlet put it, “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” I was soon to find that magic is not only of ancient and illustrious pedigree, not merely an astonishingly alive and widespread way of thinking, but also a valuable, even irreplaceable, part of human experience.

Across the ballroom I saw a dapper gent in shiny white-and-black shoes wearing sharply creased black pants, a sport coat, and a yellow-and-navy tie. His hair was closely cropped and swept back from a pale forehead. He stood stiffly without smiling as though feeling timid.

“Are you a vampire or a victim?” I asked, making small talk. I couldn't have known at such an early moment, almost at the very beginning of my investigation, but I had asked the only question that truly matters. I should have listened more closely as he answered, pressed him further. Instead, I took him for a flake, which he was, of course, and yet also the envoy of truth, as I would find to be the case again and again.

“Do I look like a victim?” he asked, smiling in a way that didn't show his teeth. This was not a good sign.

“Well…,” I said, stalling.

“Are
you
a victim?” he asked too calmly.

Still his smile showed no teeth.

“I don't want to say.”

“You have to choose.”

Tied to the physical, deaf to the eternal, riveted by my own shortcomings, I was thinking only of what a bad choice I'd made when choosing a partner for chat. This guy was faking timidity to lure someone over. If I said victim, he was likely to start gnawing my neck. If I said vampire, he would demand proof. I hadn't fangs enough to back that pretension. Spotting an angel across the room and eager to shift Dapper Gent's attention, I said, “That takes some nerve in this crowd.”

“Why do you say that?” he asked. “An angel and a devil are only a breath away.”

 

I
f I had been wiser, I could have wrapped up my investigation at the Vampire and Victims Ball and gone no further. Everything I needed to understand had been right there before me. That first costume party showed me all of it, the humor and the mystery, the humanness and the divine, the dark and the light. It had been funny, messy, mysterious, absurd, and wonderful, like a great postmodern myth, a little microcosm of life. The Dapper Gent had even put it into words for me three times, a most magical number.

So come, Cinderella, let me take you again to the ball. Perhaps you will see more than I did, or perhaps you will begin to understand how difficult it is to understand. Truth is never easily wrested from the stuff of life, and this stuff was even stranger and sometimes more repellent than the usual fare.

On the night of the Vampire and Victims Ball, our hostess, Mistress Tracy, Queen of the Vampires, wasn't able to make her
entrance in a hearse, as she usually did, because the party was on the second floor of a Salem restaurant. Instead, the curtains to a back room parted, and Shawn the Witch emerged resplendent in swirling red velvet. He was happy tonight because he had a new lover, a slight young man who said he was a werewolf and looked appropriately morose, as anyone would if he found himself growing hair in unexpected places. I couldn't see any suspicious tufts. But his skin did look deadly pale against his long black locks and funereal garments, as though he might have received some dreadful shock.

Next came a gleaming mahogany coffin, carried by some of Mistress Tracy's husky minions; the red-haired girl in the backless evening gown was swooning alongside. The Sisters of Eternal Damnation, as the lovely Nichole and another woman dressed as a nun were known, ended the procession. The attendants were holding white candles. As the minions set the coffin down, Shawn and the red-haired girl held their candles over each other so that the hot candle wax dripped on their skin. Nice.

Shawn the Witch lolled over one end of the casket, while the red-haired girl lay across the other end, rubbing herself along it as though she had an itch. Shawn began to declaim. I could tell by his hands that he was in full roar, but I couldn't hear him for the drums beating. He opened the coffin and there, gleaming pale against the satin, was Mistress Tracy. Her hands were folded across her chest, and her eyes were closed. She looked comfy, but she wasn't. Coffins only look padded, she told me later. They don't have any bed in them at all, so her backbone was gouging into the wood, and her bones ached from being jostled about during the grand entrance.

As we all gazed at Tracy, Shawn said loudly, “A victim.”

Jeff, Tracy's consort, stepped forward; his shirt was pulled from his shoulders so that it fell down around his waist. He looked hunky
and severe. A large tattoo of Mistress Tracy with a sword held before her body was clearly visible on his chest. No doubt whom this victim belonged to.

“Is this blood safe to drink?” Shawn bellowed.

Jeff nodded slowly. Then he lifted his hand. In it was a razor. If the drums hadn't been so loud, you could have heard an
eeech
go through the multitude. A razor? The ceremony's planners had hoped to use a knife, but it was too hard to break the skin with a blade. Hacking his arm in a Monty Pythonish way would not be in keeping with the solemnity of the occasion.

As Jeff cut his forearm, Shawn intoned, “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.”

“They stole that. That's from Ash Wednesday.” It was Irene, a woman from New York City who was in Salem for the week with her husband and adult daughter.

Shawn did love churchy phrases. I was relieved that he hadn't cribbed the sentences that introduced Tracy's Internet description of the ball. “I am the Resurrection and the Life. All those who drink of me will never die.” That was really stealing.

“Drink deep the blood. For the blood is life,” Shawn said.

Jeff moved toward the coffin. “Feed, my mistress,” he said, as he held his arm over Tracy's mouth and began to squeeze the wound. Her mouth was open, and blood was dripping into it. The crowd stared, as open-mouthed as Tracy but for a different reason. The bartender grimaced as Tracy's hands came up like claws grabbing Jeff's arm. Pulling it to her lips, she began to suck. I was feeling pretty grossed out, and I noticed that Shawn, still wearing his expression of great solemnity, had shifted his gaze piously upward. The sight of blood makes him faint.

Tracy arose from the coffin and stood swaying, her eyes unfocused and woozy. She did look like a woman who'd had a hit of
something good. Not to be upstaged completely, Shawn declaimed, “I present to you the Dark Mistress and her consort, Jeff.”

That was a misstep. “Jeffrey” would have been better. The modernity of the nickname was a clunker.

Next Tracy began to go about the circle giving people blessings. They would bow their heads, and she would touch them in a regal way. The music was now a swirling Celtic tune, and the dancers began to flit about, nuns and vampires, angels and victims. Shawn's friend and fellow witch Christian was among them, dressed in a ruffled shirt and black frock coat. As he passed, he gave me a sneer and shouted, “Doth my makeup look all right?” His eyes were rimmed by thick black smudges that looked fine, and his fangs were truly impressive, but they gave him a lisp, which did kind of spoil the effect.

Irene sidled up to me. “There's a witch over there with bigger boobs than I have and it's a man. Now what's that?” she asked, her mouth pursed. “I'm from New York, and nothing shocks me. I see he/shes on the subway all the time. I can't tell for sure with those boobs, but I know a surgeon who does sex change operations all the time, and he told me there's one thing they can't change.”

“What is it?” I asked with some trepidation. Irene looked harmless, but she was from New York City, as she'd pointed out, where they've seen everything and for all I know have done everything too. I hoped she wasn't going to suggest that we grope the guy's skirts.

“Their feet,” she said. “Their big ol' feet.”

“How were the feet?”

“Couldn't see 'em. I'm going to look,” she said, disappearing into the crowd.

Wandering into the back room where there were hors d'oeuvres, I saw a wooden crucifix splashed with red paint. Two ropes were used to tie people to the crucifix's outstretched arms, and then they were beaten by the nuns. In line for beatings were two women who had
been auctioned off earlier as virgin slaves guaranteed to satisfy their master's most wicked desires. The men were removing their shirts for the flogging, but the women wouldn't. “Flogging, yes,” one of them said. “Naked, no.”

Shawn invited me to be flogged.

I shook my head. “I'll just watch.”

“Oh,” he said, arching his brows in a companionable way, “a voyeur. We like those too.”

Tracy had promised that the ball would draw real vampires like herself, and I looked for them. I thought the pasty-faced guy with the long white hair and his bleeding bride must be vampires. But the bride said, “Oh, no. We're here celebrating our wedding anniversary.” A group beautifully dressed in gauzy Victorian clothes and old-fashioned dark suits seemed like good candidates, but they turned out to be a dance troupe that was going to do an Edward Gorey fashion show. Finally Tracy pointed out the red-haired woman.

Her scene name was Xana, and she was thirty. She had always been into horror, which her parents encouraged. At thirteen, while reading Anne Rice's book
Interview with a Vampire,
she began having intense dreams that led her to begin reading everything she could find about vampires. She started drinking blood at sixteen with her first girlfriend. The Internet helped her find others with similar interests. Lots of Goths are interested in drinking blood, but Xana only drinks from those who've been tested, which means she hasn't had many partners. At seventeen, she had Tracy put a tattoo of a bite and blood drips on her neck. At that time she believed in the reality of vampires and would spend nights roaming graveyards and woods looking for them.

“I completely believed that I would find one and they would make me one of them. That's what I wanted,” she said. But it never
happened. Sometimes she and her friends felt things, spirits and forces, around them.

“Maybe it was a mass hallucination. It was an intense time, not too intelligent. I don't believe anymore.” But she does call herself a vampire.