Not His Kiss to Take (26 page)

“
I—”

“
Or you could teach. You’d be a good teacher. You’re really patient.” Smiling again, he waggled his brows. “
Very
patient.”

“
Jamie, I—”

“
But I think the clinics are a better idea. Or you could do home visits. Do some doctors still do house calls? If they want? Christ, people’d shit themselves if you showed up at their door with that funky medical case you’ve got in your office.”

See—he’s so earnest, so angelic. How could you corrupt him?
Jamie was so beautiful it hurt his eyes. How could he find the words to say and do the hardest thing he’d ever have to do? “Sounds like you’re feeling up to your old self.”

Jamie offered up a shy smile. “Yeah, thanks to you. I feel pretty good now. Even my nose.”

“
Makes me happy to hear that.” And truly, it did.

Most of Jamie’s bruises had disappeared or faded to faint smudges. A thin white line marred his bottom lip—it still might scar and it might not. Evan felt bad for not stitching it, but that usually just left a bigger and lumpier scar. Jamie would definitely have a small mark above the outer corner of his eye where the skin had split. The butterfly bandages had sealed that wound nicely, and, considering the beating Jamie had endured, Evan hoped he’d consider that scar a badge of bravery rather than an imperfection to regret.

As he reached out to brush the hair from Jamie’s eye, his hand shook. His time with Jamie had been a gift, a brief respite from his lonely isolation, a balm for his aching heart. But he couldn’t keep him. It was
wrong
to keep him. “You must be missing your friends by now,” he said. “Your family?”

Jamie’s bright smile faltered. “Not really.”

“
What about work?”

“
You know they fired me,” he said defensively. “Not that I blame them.”

“
Maybe the person they hired to replace you is an idiot. You should go talk to them.”

More than he saw it in his eyes, Evan
felt
Jamie’s defenses go up. His innocent expression turned wary. “I didn’t like working there anyway. When you’re a busboy, you’re the lowest of the low. There’s a hierarchy in places like that, and believe me, I was at the bottom. Beneath the crud they scrape outta the fryer.”

Since he’d never been at the bottom of anything in his life, Evan had to think about what that might be like, and what he imagined rankled. The thought of Jamie being treated like crap made him want to punch the offender in the face, not exactly a feeling he was used to. “Maybe this is a good time to try something new. Spread your wings.”

Surprisingly, Jamie agreed with a nod. Then he began picking at a thread on the hem of his jeans. The inner glow that shone so brilliantly died. “You want me to leave, don’t you?”

Evan winced at words so unimaginably far from the truth.
No! I want you to stay…
And cringed at what he had to do next. Lie. The words unfurled on his tongue, laced with deceit. “I think it’s time.”

For several long, agonizing seconds, Jamie didn’t answer. “I thought you…you said—” He paused and took a steadying breath. “I thought you liked having me here.”

Hurt chased the sun from Jamie’s face and replaced it with shadow. Evan felt like he’d been physically struck—a fist to the chest. Good thing he was already on the floor, or he’d have fallen there.
I never saw this coming, this thing between you and me—I swear it. And the last thing I want is to hurt you.
But he’d let things go on for far too long already. “I’ve enjoyed your company very much, Jamie. You’ve been a blessing.”

Waves of hurt rippled across his perfect face. Then he snorted in painful disbelief. “But…?”

Do it. You have to, you know you do. Say it!
“But…you’re not gay.”

Shock replaced the hurt, and that might be worse.

“
And I am.” He couldn’t have picked better words with which to wound. Jamie’s face crumpled. Even if it killed him, he would do this. “It’s been fun playing around with you—I meant it when I said I think you’re beautiful and wonderful—but I want certain things you just can’t give me.”

Amazingly, under the hurt, Jamie blushed. “I—”

“
Not just that,” Evan hastily added. “Although there is that too.” Jamie’s blush said he was thinking anal sex, which of course Evan had wanted from day one, but in actuality, he wanted something more, something simpler, a basic and wonderful thing that Jamie refused to give him. Not getting it was very telling. But he wasn’t going to bring that up. He’d mourn that private loss later. “I think you’re very sweet, and yes, I have enjoyed having you here with me. You’ll make some pretty girl very happy, maybe even that high-maintenance brunette you told me about. What was her name again?”

Jamie gave him another wounded look. “Melissa.”

“
That’s the one. Melissa.”

“
That ship has sailed to Never Never Land, Ev.”

“
There’ll be other pretties banging on your door. You have to be free to let them in.”

The idea didn’t excite Jamie in the least. His scowl said it all. “I have to go…right now?”

I can’t do this.
It fucking hurt—everywhere. Especially under his breastbone, where his heart was breaking. “No. Not right now. Certainly not. But soon.”
Before you turn to rust in my sunless prison.

“
Oh.”

“
And before you do, there are a couple of things I need to talk to you about.”

Not only were the walls up, they’d been bricked over, cemented and coated with Teflon.

Unable to deny his aching need, Evan reached out and touched the porcelain smoothness of Jamie’s cheek and the curve of his jaw, so soft—he must have shaved five minutes ago. Sunlight sparked on the gold of his damp eyelashes. God help him—those irises were so blue, so innocent.
And filled with the hurt I caused
.

Please kiss me, James. Just once…

Kiss me once and bring me to life.

But he didn’t. Couldn’t.
Wouldn’t.
Their chance came and went, and the spell remained unbroken.

Dislodging Evan’s worshipping fingers with a shake of his head, Jamie unclasped his arms from around his legs and gracefully rose to his feet. “No time like the present, I guess,” he whispered.

No! I need more time.
“Stay, Jamie. Please. At least for the night.”

“
What for?”

“
Because I’m not kicking you out.”
You just need a little push
. “You’ve only stepped foot out of this house twice since you’ve been here. I thought maybe we could go for a drive after dinner and talk about this.”

Unfortunately, a trip to Bremerton would take over five hours, even in the Porsche, but that was where Evan really wanted to drive Jamie. Home. To family, despite the presence of this Derek person Jamie disliked so much.
Or maybe you just want to go there to smack Derek upside the head so next time he’ll think twice before hitting Jamie again when you’re no longer around. Because you know he did.

Uncharacteristically quiet, Jamie stared at nothing and pointedly avoided looking at him. Not quite as gracefully as Jamie had, Evan stood. Jamie still refused to look at him.

“
Besides, I bought steak. I know you’ve been dying for some red meat.”

A slight shrug indicated Jamie had at least heard him.

“
You could make one of your fancy salads…”

All signs of hurt at Evan’s betrayal were gone from the lovely eyes when Jamie turned his head and met his gaze. “Sure.”

The empty coldness that replaced the hurt shocked Evan. Jaded. Just like that. And he’d caused it with a few well-chosen and cruel words. Necessary words, he reminded himself. Necessary because they couldn’t continue as they were; it wasn’t good for Jamie. Hell, it wasn’t good for either of them.

Jamie said he’d never looked at another man before they’d met, and Evan had never looked at anything but. An insurmountable incompatibility right there. Nothing could change the fact Jamie was straight. If Evan wanted to find someone to love, someone who could see all that he was and all that he
could
be, who’d love him in return, someone who’d
kiss
him, then he had to cut Jamie loose. And Jamie had to step back into that fascinating, colorful and glorious world he’d shown Evan existed right outside his front door. Find his own happiness with someone his own age and opposite gender.

Evan had every intention of becoming part of that world again. Only he’d reinvent himself, become someone better, someone less ambitious, self-centered, and cold. Starting right now. “I…have stuff to put away. We should start dinner soon if we want to catch the last bit of sunshine while we work.” Catching the afternoon sun as it shone in through the kitchen windows was one of Jamie’s favorite things. Even though Jamie wasn’t aware he did it, he chased the sunshine around the room, moving from chair to counter to fireplace to the floor in front of the fireplace as the rays did.

And now Evan would have only one last time to enjoy watching Jamie dance with the sun.

Normally talkative Jamie said nothing as he worked the knife with his skilled hands, and the kitchen seemed so…lonely without his chatter. Nobody made a better composed salad than Jamie—he’d done prep work in an upscale restaurant before it closed, and it showed. Evan didn’t want to say anything while the kid had the knife in his hand, so he waited until he’d done plating their salads.

Should I tell him now or wait until after dinner?

Since nothing would make it any easier, certainly not a full belly, Evan decided to be forthright with the thing he’d not had the guts to tell Jamie yet. “I want to tell you something, but I’m not sure how you’ll take it.”

Ice blue eyes flicked up and met his. Oh, so cold. “Why are you worried about offending me now?”

Guess I deserved that
. Still hurt. “I—I’m not worried about offending you. I’m worried about upsetting you.” Damn, that wasn’t right either.

Jamie jumped on it, and with contempt. “That’s an even fucking stupider thing to worry about. Quit dancin’, Doc, and just say what you wanna say.”

Time for show-and-tell. Evan retrieved his tablet from the counter and opened the picture Louis had emailed him. Looking at it the first time had made him want to throw up. This time he merely cringed. If there was one thing Evan hated, it was violence, justified or not. But Jamie deserved to know. He set the tablet down and spun it around so it would be right side up for Jamie.

“
What the hell is that supposed to be?”

“
Justice,” Evan replied.

It was dark outside when the picture was taken, and snowing madly, so the image wasn’t crystal clear. But good enough. Three bodies were hanging upside down, each one dangling from the unseen hands of several shadowy figures, faces turned so they couldn’t be identified. The upside-down men’s shirts and coats had slid down to reveal a sentence written in what Evan was sure was blood, one word for each bare stomach:
We are sorry
.

Louis swore they’d all been left alive and mostly well. He’d just guaranteed they wouldn’t appreciate the
alive
part for a while. Nothing had been broken or permanently damaged. And they’d had to write the apology themselves, he’d said, so it meant something. Then Louis and his buddies had taken turns enjoying a rather inventive version of that old carnival game wherein you aimed a water gun at the clown’s mouth to win a stuffy for your girl. But Evan didn’t plan on mentioning that part.

Jamie went completely still. His breath hitched. Being a smart kid, it didn’t take more than a second or two for him to figure out what he was looking at. His face turned an alarming, bloodless white as he flipped the tablet around and peered down at the three men who’d now be right side up and possibly recognized. “They’re not…dead.” Jamie swallowed hard. “Are they?”