NORMAL (51 page)

Tuck and Carl are technically just hooking up, and they're as likely to engage in public displays of affection as any real couple, although they're also fairly likely to engage in combative arguments as well. Why should I have to resist the same affections with Sam?

And who am I kidding? Carl already knows something - she has since the beginning. And the fact is, I'm not sure I wouldn't want to tell her myself. I'm so confused, I need someone to talk to, and apart from Sam himself, Carl is the best friend I've got.

I sigh. "Yeah, you're right," I murmur, and Sam smiles in triumph.

"So does this mean you're going to let me kiss you in public, or that you'll ditch our friends to hole up in a hotel room with me tonight?" he asks, his eyes wide and expectant.

"Hmm... I'm not sure. Maybe both, maybe neither," I tease with a shrug. I'm vaguely aware that last year, being holed up in a hotel room with my boyfriend was my greatest fear, and now...

He's not your boyfriend, Rory!

I wince at my own reminder. No, he most certainly is not.

But what is he? What are we? I don't ask him. I can't. I know enough about guys like him to understand that right now we are probably just friends who have just incorporated some kind of "benefits" into the relationship, and asking him to define us would probably ruin the whole thing. Though Sam isn't really like those guys - he's not like
any
other guy really. But still, I can't risk it. Because, as he said, at least to me, he is a freaking God, with the power to quell my night terrors, and make my body sing. Not to mention my heart.

"Come on, we can order a movie, your choice," he tries to convince me, as if a movie is even remotely as appealing as what we did this afternoon.

"Does the room service menu have coffee ice cream?" I ask. Sam grins.

"I bet it does, and if not, I'll get someone to go out and get some for you, deal?" he asks hopefully. I pretend to mull it over.

"Okay, fine," I agree.

I'm rewarded with another kiss, and I allow myself to melt into it, into him.

We're startled out of it by knocking. Sam groans and slides out of bed, grabbing a pair of boxers from the drawer I raided the night before, and pulls them on on the way to the door. I follow him, slipping on the shirt he wore this morning and my bathing suit bottoms. He looks through the peephole and shrugs.

"Nobody's there," he says. I blink at him, perplexed.

Knock, knock.

Oh, shit. It's my door.

"That's your room, Ror. It's probably housekeeping, why don't you let them in. Just hang out here while they clean," he suggests.

I pad through the adjoining doors and am about to pull open my door when I decide to peek through the peep hole. I jump back.

Knock, knock, knock!

I hurry back to Sam, taking care not to make noise.

"It's Carl!" I loud-whisper. Sam's eyes widen.

"Rory! Wake up! I have your phone and I need to talk!" Carl calls through the door.

"She and Tuck have some seriously bad fucking timing," Sam grumbles. I bite my lip to stifle a giggle before standing up on my tip toes to kiss him.

"I have to let her in. She needs to talk."

Sam pouts dramatically, his bottom lip pushed out adorably, so I kiss it. "I'll be back," I whisper, and turn to go back to my room. Sam swats my behind.

"You better be, baby girl."

I practically swoon. I love his pet names. I was never such a sucker for endearments. Even before things with Robin got bad, his
sweetheart
s and his
darlin'
s never felt this sincere, and definitely never gave me this rush.

"Roryyyy!" Carl whines through the door.

I swing it open. "
Jesus
, Carl, I was sleepin'!" I lie and involuntarily bite my lip. I did fall asleep earlier, so I tell myself it's not really a lie.

"Well wake up, you need to start getting ready for dinner soon anyway, and I need to bitch about Tuck," she mutters. I lead her to sit with me on the sofa in the living area. Carl has obviously showered and blown out her chic blonde hair, which she's flattened straight, though she hasn't done her makeup for tonight. She's in sweatpants and a pink tank top, clearly in lounging mode before what I assume she expects to be another wild night out on spring break. She hands me my beach bag which I'd left behind when I ran after Sam earlier.

"What'd he do now?" I ask.  

Carl sighs dramatically. "I don't know what the fuck to do with him anymore, Rory, I swear. After the beach we all went back to our rooms to shower and whatever and Tina wanted to go see Andrew so I went with her, but Tuck wasn't there. So I went down to the lobby thinking he'd be by the bar or the pool or something and these drunk guys started talking to me. They were such dicks, they started hitting on me in the stupidest way, and I blew them off, and when I walk away, I see Tuck over by the gift shop giving me the dirtiest look, and he comes over and starts accusing me of looking for a hookup! From those drunk fucking assholes!"

Carl continues to rant about how Tuck gave her shit about being an "independent woman" who doesn't need a man and saying she acts all tough, and asking why he bothers wasting his time hooking up with "some bitch who obviously thinks she can do better". She's really upset. Idly I wonder if the "assholes" who hit on her in the lobby are the same group that I met in the elevator.

But Carl doesn't seem to realize that Tuck's accusations are just manifestations of his insecurities about their relationship.

"Carl, honestly, you guys are driving each other crazy, and your friends too for that matter. He cares about you, in fact, I'll bet he's missin' you right now. I think he's probably in love with you, which is why he freaks out when he sees you talking to other guys," I explain.

"I was blowing them off! You know, when we first started hooking up,
he
was the one fucking other people, not me. I haven't so much as kissed another guy in like a year!" she argues.

"Does he even know that?"

"No. I mean, I don't know what he knows, but I haven't advertised it. It would freak him out."

"It wouldn't freak him out, Carl, in fact I think it would make him real happy to know that," I counter.

"Yeah, because guys just love it when their casual hook ups get all clingy and committed," she spits sarcastically. I laugh, I can't help it. She sounds so much like Tuck saying that girls don't like "pussies". I can't help but think that if Carl got a little
clingy
and Tuck acted a little like a
pussy
, they might find happiness together.

"Do you think he'd get all upset about you talkin' to other guys - even if you were just blowin' them off - if he doesn't want more with you? Honestly, if you were just a casual hookup, why wouldn't you be allowed to talk to whoever you wanted?"

Carl sighs, and her eyes start to glisten. She's holding back tears, and it's the most emotional I've ever seen her on her own behalf. I've seen her get worked up for friends - for me even - but never over her own personal life. I slide closer to her and slip my arm around her shoulders.

"He said I'm his favorite hookup, Rory. That's it. He could have said whatever he wanted, and that's what he said." She swipes at her cheek before her tear can fall too far. I rub her arm in comfort.

"And did you tell him how you feel? Or did you just say the same bullshit?"

"Same bullshit," she breathes.

I nod. "Tell him how you feel. Just tell him. You guys are two, normal, eighteen year olds. There's no reason why you can't have what you want."
Unlike me,
I think sadly to myself. "I think he loves you. I do, and I'm pretty sure you feel the same way. And if not, then what do you have to lose? You two are miserable like this. You should be together. For real."

I expect Carl to argue, to deny she loves him, and to insist she can't say these things to him, but she doesn't. She just sits there for a few moments, taking in my words. I sincerely hope that they can work this out. That they can find happiness.

Again, I think about how much I hate Robin for stealing that opportunity from me, possibly for life. For making me a hypocrite. Because whatever advice I give Carl, I can't follow myself. I can't tell Sam how I feel, because even if he could love me back someday, how long could it possibly last before I freak out again and scare him away? How could I ever be capable of a normal relationship? I need to remind myself of this, again and again, because after an afternoon like I just had, it becomes easy to forget.

"I'm glad we're having a girls' dinner tonight," Carl murmurs when she finally speaks again, rallying to pull herself together. "I could use some girl time to figure this shit out. Before seeing Tuck later, I mean."

There goes my evening holed up in a hotel room with Sam.

Carl narrows her eyes at me.

"Hey, what ever happened before? Did you ever find Cap? He wasn't taking Tuck or Andy's calls." I feel a blush creep over my skin, and I worry my friend knows me well enough by now to notice. I reach into my bag and pull out Sam's phone in explanation.

"He asked me to hold it for him earlier. So I guess you had it," I explain. Carl's glare doesn't waver.

"You didn't answer my question. Did you find him? What have you been doing all this time? Just sleeping?" Her questions come out as an accusation and I'm quite sure they were meant to. Her eyes skate down my body. "Rory... is that Cap's shirt?"

Oh, shit.

My blush returns with a vengeance and I chew on my bottom lip, thinking of what to tell her. I do want to talk to her. And I do trust her. I know she won't repeat anything I confide, not even to Tina, she's proven that time and time again already.

"I found him. You were right, he was fine, just needed a little time," I murmur.

"And...?"

"And what?" I play dumb.

"Did something finally happen with you two last night? Dave said you left the bar with him, but I didn't think anything of it since you're
always
with him, but you're being all blushy now so...?"

"I kissed him," I confess. Carl's eyes widen and her eyebrows shoot into her hairline.

"You
what
? Holy shit, Rory! I would've bet my life he'd be the one to make the first move! Tell me
everything
that happened last night!"

I take a deep breath. "Well actually he stopped it," I explain. "I mean, he kissed me back at first, but then he stopped it. Oh God, and then I got sick! I threw up all over his bathroom!"

"No!"

"Yes!" I cover my face with my palms and flood with shame at the memory.

"Oh my God, I can't believe he stopped it! That makes no sense, I was sure he was totally into you. I mean I know he doesn't really do the girlfriend thing - his rule and all - but honestly, I thought it'd be different with you," she openly ponders my very personal life. "At the very least I was sure he'd jump at the chance to get you into bed!" We both giggle. "What'd he do when you threw up?"  

I smile faintly. "He held my hair and helped me clean up. And then slept on the couch in his suite so he could 'keep an eye' on me."

"Aww, that's so sweet," Carl gushes.

"Yeah," I grumble, "but that wasn't the only part of him I wanted on me."

Carl cracks up, and I follow her, laughing hysterically, half wondering where my salacious admission even came from.

"Well at least you finally admit it! But I still can't believe he turned you down. It doesn't make any sense."

"This morning he said it was because I was drunk. He said he was worried I'd regret it," I explain.

Carl nods, as if this explains everything. "And...?" she prompts. I sigh, preparing myself to divulge intimate details to a friend that I trust, but who I've only become close with again a few months ago.

"We kissed."

Carl shrieks. "I fucking knew it!
And...?!"

"And it was unbelievable. But then we got interrupted and went down to the pool to join you guys-"

"Right, where Cap nearly killed Dave for basically being Dave, yeah, I was there. And then you chased after him, and
then..
.?" she urges me to continue. She knows there's more. She knows me well.

"I found him in his room. We talked. And..." I sigh, resting my head on my bent knee. "
God,
Carl, we hooked up. It was
amazing
," I practically swoon again at the thought of him. Carl is grinning widely.

"We're talking sex, just to be clear, right?"

I nod my confirmation.

"Oh my God, Rory! He's so fucking hot, I bet he was incredible, was he incredible?" she gushes.

"Honestly, I don't really have much to compare to, but... yeah, he's a God," I confirm, using the same description I gave to him, because frankly, it's accurate.

"Holy fucking shit. If Tucker only knew what I was picturing right now..."