NORMAL (38 page)

"I ain't sure I coulda handled that, Ror... you marryin' Forbes, I mean. Now... someday... ever."

His admission drowns me in guilt. I know how unfair my relationship has been to my friendship with Cam. How much has changed this year because of it. And though I tried to convince myself that much of the change was normal - the way things were supposed to be - I realize how willingly foolish I've been. Yes, of course I would eventually have dated, met someone, spent less time with Cam. But I've missed him so bad it hurt. And how is that normal? Not to be able to hug my best friend? To have to sneak in time with him. How could I ever consider a forever of that? Even for someone I really did love.

"Me neither," I whisper honestly. Cam pats my wrist where he's secured my grass-made bracelet. I hold in my wince.

"There you go."

I laugh. "Thanks, Cam."

A strong gust of wind sends my hair flying in all directions and a few locks settle right in my face. I laugh again as Cam tucks it behind my ear. We both look up in time to see ominous dark clouds roll in.

"Not sure that storm's gonna wait 'til tomorrow," Cam murmurs. "Let's get goin'." He stands, long limbs unfolding gracefully, and holds out his hand to help me up.  

Once back in his truck I take his phone to check the local news website about the storm, since I haven't seen my own phone since last night, and see several missed calls and texts from Cam's mom. He instructs me to read them and we learn that that the storm system had sped up and is expected to hit the area tonight instead of tomorrow. Michelle is planning on staying at the hospital through Sunday to help treat storm related injuries.

It's already raining hard as we pull into Cam's driveway. It's only late afternoon but the sky has darkened considerably. It doesn't seem like we'll be heading out again today. I know I need to find my phone and check it, and I'm grateful that Robin will be stuck in Gainesville and my parents at my Grandmother's.

"Hope you didn't have plans tonight," I tease as we race indoors.

"Already canceled 'em anyway," he murmurs nonchalantly.

"Oh yeah? Missy or Laura?" I tease and grimace at the pang of jealousy that makes my stomach twist.

"Lacey actually," he replies absentmindedly while he searches through kitchen drawers.

Oh
.

Cam pulls a couple of flashlights and some candles out of a drawer. I doubt we'll need them, but better safe than sorry I suppose.

"You could still go, uh, see her," I murmur reluctantly, feeling guilty for ruining his plans. "I mean, I could just stay here and watch a movie. Or I could go to my house," I offer.

Cam stops what he's doing and walks back over to where I'm standing in the breakfast nook looking out the window. He tugs my arm to get me to face him and without even thinking I snatch it back. He narrows his eyes at me, but doesn't call me out on my strange behavior. I was never jumpy about being touched, especially not by Cam. I wonder idly if Robin has messed me up for good.

"Like I said, I cancelled this morning... You need me, Ror," he says and tenderly strokes my cheek with his thumb.

"I do," I admit, turning into Cam's touch. My skin tingles where he's touched me and I swallow nervously. Cam has never made me nervous, but I just feel so aware of him right now, in a way I've never felt with Robin.

I inhale, careful to be more subtle than last night when he accused me of
sniffing
him. His scent both calms and exhilarates me. My eyes haven't left his, and I nearly gasp when his gaze drops to my lips. I worry my bottom lip between my teeth, and I hear Cam's sharp intake of breath. If I didn't know better, I would think he wanted to kiss me.

But I do know better.

Cam suddenly steps back and turns to go back into his kitchen. He pulls out some takeout menus and I turn back to look out the window.

No, Cam doesn't want to kiss me, he's my best friend, I know that. But for the first time, I realize, I wanted him to.

"I should go pick up some dinner before it gets too bad out there. You want anything in particular or you just gonna look through these menus for thirty minutes and then get overwhelmed that there are too many choices and make me pick?" he asks.

"Ha.ha." My voice drips with sarcasm, but he's right. That is exactly what I'd have done. I smile to myself. "You're not goin' out in this anyway, I'll make us something to eat, you pick a movie."

"You gonna cook for me?" he asks excitedly.  

I nod. It's rare that I cook, but when I do, Cam acts like it's Christmas come early. I only even know how to cook at all because my Grandma Mimi would teach me different recipes whenever we used to visit her up in New York before she passed.

"Damn, I love storms!" Cam announces, and his joy is like a drug to me. I can feel the shadows fade more and more with each of his crooked smiles.

After looking through the contents of his freezer and fridge I go with simplicity. I defrost some chicken cutlets in the microwave and put Cam to work peeling potatoes so I can boil and mash them. I batter and bread the chicken and start frying, and have Cam wash the vegetables for a salad.

Once the chicken is done I add salt, butter, and milk to the potatoes and dress the salad and we sit and eat on the coffee table in the living room like we always have.

After dinner I load the dishwasher while Cam heads to his room to choose something from his DVD collection. I realize I need to find my phone, I'm sure my mom is looking to check on me, even though she probably thinks I'm in Gainesville with Robin.

Cam is still looking through his movies when I enter his room. He shakes his head when I ask if he's seen my phone. I find it buried in his comforter, turned off.

When I power it on, I'm not surprised by the number of texts and missed calls. I quickly reply to my mom that I'm fine without further elaboration before I start scrolling through the few texts from Lacey and the hundred or so from Robin.

Lacey wants to talk. She writes that she thinks I'm making a huge mistake. I wonder how much Robin has told her.

Robin's texts range from desperate pleading for forgiveness and professions of love, to vicious threats. Some of them are so personal and cruel that I feel a tear slide down my cheek before I even realize my eyes have begun to water. He writes that I have "daddy issues", that I have problems accepting his love because my own father doesn't care about me, that I'm stupid to think I can live without him. He says that my own father loves him more than he does me. And threatens to call him. And what could I even say to that if I ever did respond? We both know it's the truth.

Robin goes on to add that I need to just trust him to know what's right for us. That what happened yesterday was "maybe a little extreme", but that he was making a point. He doesn't say what that point was exactly, but I already know. He writes that I will always belong to him.

Hell if that's true. I belong to no one but myself. I knew Robin wouldn't let me go without a fight. But I'm finally ready to fight.

I nearly hyperventilate when I read the text that says the athletics department has cancelled tonight's dinner due to the storm and he's driving back early. I look at the time stamp and realize he'll be in town any minute, but his last text says he's going home to look after his mom and Lacey through the storm since his father is in New York. He wants to talk tomorrow night after the storm blows over. He seems sure that we can work out our issues. That we'll be back together by Monday.  

Anyone reading through his texts would swear they were sent by two entirely different people. Sometimes I wonder if he does have multiple personalities. I don't bother responding that he's wrong, that it's really over, because right now I'm just relieved that he seems to have calmed down, even if his relief is misplaced. Because there is no way in hell I'm getting back together with Robin.

I know he can try. I know can hurt me in so many ways. He could force himself on me again, and I'm not sure he won't if he finds some way to get me alone, though the thought makes me nearly hyperventilate again. He could even try to kill me, if that's what he wants to do. He almost did last night...

But I will never be his girlfriend again. I will never "go back for more" as my father put it. I would rather be dead. I will fight, kicking and screaming, and do everything in my admittedly limited power to make sure Robin Forbes never has me where he wants me ever again.

Cam's thumb brushes my tears away. I hadn't even noticed him approach me. He sits next to me on his bed. I sniffle.

"
Jesus
, Ror, you don't know what it does to me to see you cry," he murmurs despondently. I toss my phone back down on the bed. I don't want Cam to catch Robin's texts. They're too telling. "You havin' second thoughts?" Cam asks. I narrow my eyes at him in confusion. "'Bout endin' it with Forbes, I mean."

I shake my head. "No. Honestly, Cam, I'd be real happy never to see him again," I whisper emphatically. Cam looks back at me bemused. I know I don't make sense. Cam thinks I just broke up with Robin because I didn't see a future together, and that just doesn't account for the animosity in my voice, I know.

"Damn it, Ror, what's goin' on with you? I mean, you never laugh anymore. Barely even smile. Unless you catch me checkin' on you and then you throw on that fake clown grin that wouldn't fool a stranger let alone your best friend. You think I ain't noticed? I tried to back off 'cause I thought it was what you wanted. I thought
he
was what you wanted, but I'm so damn worried about you, Rory girl." Cam shoves his fingers through his hair, his brow etched deeply with the concern he's just described. I look down at my fingernails, as if I suddenly find them fascinating.

I've already decided that I need to tell Cam the truth. I need to get it out, and even if I haven't outright lied to him, keeping this enormous thing that's happened to me from my best friend... it just feels dishonest, and I don't want secrets between us. He'd figure it out anyway. Maybe not the details, but enough. Obviously he knows something's not right, but I need to figure out how to tell him. I need him not to go after Robin, and I don't see how I can tell him what Robin did, and have him be calm and rational about it. He's too damn protective of me.

"You're right, Cam. I haven't been happy. I've told you that," I murmur and hope he allows me leave it at that, for now. And with his dramatic exhale, it seems he will, but if he's dissatisfied by my vague response, I am more so.  

Now that Robin and me are really over, I feel so dirty, so disgusting, even if rationally I understand it was Robin's fault, not mine... at least the first time. But like my daddy said, I kept going back for more, and now... I can't take it back. I
hate
that a part of me will always belong to Robin, that I can never get it back. I hate that he's been inside me. That he's the
only
person who ever has.

Cam gently takes my hand, effectively forcing my gaze from my nails to his eyes.

"You're really okay, Ror?" he asks.

He stares at me intently, and I find myself captivated by his gaze. His face is so close as he awaits my response. His brown eyes have a ring honey around the outside of his irises. I've always known this, looked into these eyes countless times, and yet somehow, right now, I find them absolutely mesmerizing. I'm surprised to realize my own tears have dried. I'm also surprised to find my tongue wetting my bottom lip purely without volition.

"I am now, Cam. Really." It's practically a whisper. And I am. Right now, I am okay. Now that I'm doing what I can to ensure Robin is out of my life. Now that I'm sitting here, in a place that offers me comfort, with my best friend in the world whom right now, I really wish would kiss me.

Holy shit
.

I can't believe I just thought that. I can't believe I'm
still
thinking it. Suddenly I'm incredibly aware of the taut pull of Cam's tee shirt and the impressive outline of the his broad shoulders, his powerful upper arms, even his lean, strong, chest.

I feel every inch of our closeness in a way I never have before. We are sitting together at the foot of the bed, facing each other with our knees touching, leaning into each other, my head nearly resting on his shoulder. I am practically breathing his breath. I bite my lip. We've sat close like this a thousand times. We've cuddled and watched movies, hugged a million times, held each other in consolation when one of us was upset, hell, I've even slept in his arms. But right now, a new energy surrounds us, a
pull
, and it's electric.

Painfully slowly, Cam leans down, but he doesn't have far to go, and his lips brush mine softly. He nuzzles me, then returns to my mouth to press his lips more firmly against mine before taking my top lip between his lips and pulling gently. It's more than a kiss - his lips caress mine with such tenderness and affection I can feel it in every part of me.

I think I moan.

Cam's mouth slants over mine and moves in between my lips, guiding them open. I comply eagerly and his kiss becomes more desperate. But not in the way Robin's kiss was desperate. Cam seems desperate to convey something. Some emotion. It's communicative. It's giving.  

Robin was just desperate to force me to his will. He took; he didn't give. In fact, everything about this experience, and it truly is an experience, feels different from kissing Robin. When things with Robin were good, kissing him was... nice. Sweet, I guess, for the most part, but I just felt like it was what we were supposed to be doing, and mostly, it did feel, like I said, nice.