NORMAL (29 page)

Five actually
.

"It'll be a good chance for you to tour the campus," he continues as he scrolls through his phone for what I assume are work emails.

I fidget with my necklace, and for a few ounces of white gold, it weighs heavily around my neck. As I nervously shift from foot to foot, I search for the courage to talk to a father I've barely interacted with in years.

"Um, Daddy, I've been thinkin' actually... I was thinkin' maybe I'd like to apply to NYU. Do undergrad in New York. You know, like Mom." My voice is a shaky whisper and I wonder where the tough girl who never had any problem saying what was on her mind has disappeared to. This gets my father's attention though. He puts his phone down on his desk and glares at me.

"Now I know we haven't discussed it much lately, but you've always wanted to go to UFL. Your whole life. Why would you want to go to New York?" he asks.

I shrug and sit down on the club chair opposite his desk. "I just think it would be a good experience for me," I murmur.

"Aurora, I don't think that's a good idea. And anyway, Robbie will be in Gainesville, why would you want to be anywhere else?" he asks.

I shrug again.

My father sighs. "Listen, relationships are tough. Have you any idea how hard it would be for you and Rob to make it if you're in different states?"

"I know, Daddy, I'm just not sure it's what I want," I whisper. My father leans forward in his chair, placing both elbows on his desk.

"Aurora, Rob is about to be a college quarterback on his way to the NFL. Do you know how many girls will be throwin' themselves at him? You've always been naive when it comes to these things, but you need to be there with him.
Jesus
, he's already talkin' to his daddy about proposing and marriage. Did you even know that? He loves you! And you're 'not sure'? What is wrong with you?" He's using the tone he reserves for lecturing me. I haven't heard it in a while. I suppose I haven't done anything that's warranted his attention. But his question hits me hard. What
is
wrong with me? It's a question I've asked myself over and over for months.

"Look, Aurora, you're just scared. It's normal, you know, cold feet and all that. But he loves you, and you love him. You're a lucky girl." He pauses and takes a deep breath. "You'll go spend the weekend with him in Gainesville and you'll get to see how great it will be. Goin' to college with your future husband. Not havin' to be apart. If you're worried about me and your mother, don't be - you're goin' to marry the boy, I accept that you're intimate with him."

I gasp. I don't know what to do, what to say. But I do know that I can't go away with Robin for a whole weekend. It's bad enough when I stay over there, but at least his parents are around and it's only late at night that he can really get me alone. As I imagine being alone in a hotel room with Robin, I start to panic. He would be like a dog with a bone. And that'd be me - the bone - all chewed up and dirty for the sake of his enjoyment. I don't have a choice, I can't let this happen.

As soon as I realize that I'm about to tell my father the truth about me and Robin, I expect to feel terror, but I don't. I feel relief.

Somewhere, down this long, dark, road, I can see a glimmer of light. Of hope. That I won't have to endure this with Robin for much longer, because love or not, I can't be with him anymore, and I certainly can't agree to marry him. Not now, not ever. The thought of becoming his
wife
-
of a
forever
of this - gives me courage. The words will be hard to say, but once my father hears them, I know he will help me. No matter how disconnected we've been these past few years, my father will protect me. After all, that's his job, isn't it? I take a calming breath and rally my courage.

"No, Daddy, you don't understand. Robin - he... we are intimate, yes, but... he hurt me, Daddy." I realize my voice is too low, but the words are so difficult to force out. Especially with my father glaring at me like that.

"What are you talkin' about, Aurora?" he asks.

I lose it. Tears stream down my cheeks and I choke back a sob before continuing. "He... he forced himself on me! I told him I wasn't ready. I didn't wanna do it! But he made me," I cry.

My father registers no reaction whatsoever, but his anxious swallow tells me he's hearing me. Moments pass while I try to get a hold of myself.  

"Aurora, you must be mistaken. Robin Forbes is a good man. He loves you. He could be with any girl he chooses, why would he have to force anyone to do anything? Do you understand how serious an accusation like that is?" His voice is calm, his tone accusatory, but not toward Robin, toward me.

"Yes, of course I know how serious it is!"

"When did this happen?"

"The first time-"

"
The first time?!
How many times are you sayin' there
were
?!" Now my father's emotions are getting ahold of him and I'm grateful. He's finally understanding what's happened.

"A few... six... maybe more," I whisper. My father calms again, he looks pensively out the window for a full minute before replying.

"So you mean to tell me, that Robin Forbes
raped
you - because that is what you're accusing him of, Aurora
,
rape
- and you told no one, and not only did you tell no one, but you continued to go back for
more
?" His voice is deathly calm and I can't speak.

My God
, he's right, I allowed Robin to get away with this for months. It's all my fault. Maybe not the first time, but every time after that. I'm completely responsible.

"Yes," I breathe.

My father shakes his head. He looks disgusted.

"Aurora, you're confused. There's obviously been a misunderstanding. Robin is your boyfriend, he's eighteen, and you're practically an adult, too. If you didn't want to be intimate with him, then you obviously didn't communicate that by spending all of your time dating him, not to mention the way you've been dressing. What's a man supposed to think when his girlfriend prances around him in those short skirts like you do? He would never do that to you if he didn't think you wanted to do it, too. Robin loves you."

I realize that it's me, not Robin, that my father is disgusted with. I'm losing my resolve. He doesn't believe me, and even if he did, like he said, it's my own fault. And he's not wrong, what message was I sending by wearing the dresses Robin liked? By going back to him every time he hurt me...

"I told him no. I begged him to stop," I murmur, but even I can hear the defeat in my voice. My father sits back in his executive desk chair. He is literally looking down his nose at me.

"I'm disappointed in you, Aurora. You can't run around throwin' about these kinds of allegations. Do you understand what could have happened if you'd said these things to someone who didn't know Robbie? Who hasn't had some opportunity to observe your relationship? Who knows how much Rob loves you?
God
, Aurora, he'd lose his scholarship! His career would be over! He could even go to jail! How could you be so irresponsible?

"You are lucky that Robin chose you. Don't you dare forget that for a moment. You may think you're hot shit here in Linton, but you're still just a small town girl. You're a dime a dozen over at UFL and even more common out in the real world. Robin is goin' to play pro ball, do you understand that? He wants to
marry
you! Don't you dare fuck that up, do you understand me, young lady?"  

I don't know what to say. I'm not sure if I could speak even if I did. I don't think my father has ever cursed at me before.

Any glimmer of hope I'd had earlier has been vanquished. I'm not even crying anymore, I'm just numb.

My mother comes by to say goodbye before she heads to the office; she's been preoccupied lately with an underprivileged client. She kind of always is, but I don't blame her, her clients really need her. She asks if everything's okay. I don't know if she's noted my mood or if she just knows how rare an occurrence a conversation between my father and me is these days, but my father just waves her off and she leaves. He's still glaring at me and I'm still sitting frozen in my chair when the doorbell rings several minutes later.

My father gets up to answer the door, but I don't move.

Vaguely I become aware of Robin's voice. My father is greeting him and they're shooting the breeze when they walk into the study. Robin is here to retrieve me, and I'm sure I've made us late for school by not waiting outside on the porch like I usually do.

Robin takes my hand and I rise from the chair and, like I'm on autopilot, I walk with him toward my front door.

"So, you and my Sleepin' Beauty are headin' out to Gainesville this weekend?" my father asks Robin, who is a little surprised.

"Um, yes, sir, if that's alright with you. Rory said you wouldn't like it, but I'd love to show her around campus," Robin drawls, the perfect gentleman.

"Of course. I was just tellin' her what a wonderful idea I think it is. She's lookin' forward to it," he replies.

My father shakes Robin's hand and gives me a look before he turns to return to his study and Robin leads me to his car. I know what my father's look meant. He wants me to know I'm not to repeat what I've told him to anyone else. He'd already made himself clear.

Present Day

W
ith Lily's intervention, Chelsea was blamed for the entire fight and I got nothing more than one afternoon of detention, which is the school's policy for anyone involved in a physical altercation regardless of who instigated the conflict. I served it Wednesday after school and since my mother was mostly just worried about me, I really got in very little trouble. When my NYU acceptance letter came that same afternoon, all else was forgotten and my mom and I went out for sushi to celebrate. She's proud, and honestly I'm just happy to give her pride when I've given her nothing but pain and regret for the past year.

I'm really feeling good - at least for me - for the first time in way too long, and I try to convince myself that the fact that Sam is going to be at Columbia next year - just uptown from NYU's campus - has nothing to do with my improved mood.

With spring break starting midweek, most people are more or less treating the three school days we have left as lame duck days and starting break this weekend instead, at least in spirit. It's Friday night and Andrew's is packed. Some kids who graduated last year are home from college and apparently reliving their high school days, or perhaps reconnecting with their slightly younger friends.

I've just barely started to become somewhat comfortable around the usual crowd - the people I go to school with - and seem to be the only person here that is less than thrilled with the unfamiliar faces. Of course, they're only unfamiliar to me.

Carl introduced me to a few girls she knows from the volleyball team, and they all seem nice enough. There is also a group of guys I don't know, some of whom stand around scanning the room for girls like predators stalking their prey. No one has said anything out of line, but my line and other people's line don't exactly fall in the same place. No one has outright propositioned me or anything like that, but if one more strange man asks to "get to know the new girl" with a cocky smirk, I'm going to lose it.

I sneak out to the back yard, which grows more and more popular as the season progresses and the air becomes more mild. It's no longer an escape, but just the setting of another faction of tonight's party. I spot Dave and Lily chatting with a few people I know and go over to bum a cigarette from Dave, knowing he always has some on him.

"Thanks," I murmur, as he lights it for me, and turn to walk away when Lily stops me.

"Rory, can I talk to you a minute?" she asks tentatively.

"Sure."

We walk a few paces for some semblance of privacy before I turn to her to ask what's up. Since Chelsea has been suspended/ grounded, she hasn't been around, but I assumed her friends still saw her. Then I remember that Lily was the one who told the dean the truth, and Chelsea probably saw that as a betrayal.

"I just wanted to apologize for what happened on Tuesday. I swear I had no idea what she had planned. She just told us to follow her because she had something for us to see, and of course, like idiots, we did," she explains contritely.

"She's not talking to you, is she?" No, Queen Bee would expect more loyalty from her subjects, she wouldn't let this transgression go lightly.

Lily shrugs. "Honestly, Rory, I wouldn't know. I haven't tried. She's been kind of out of control lately," she admits.

This surprises me. I wouldn't have expected the two girls to wash their hands of each other, I'd have thought it would have gone only one way.

"Look, I never thanked you for talking to the dean. I really appreciate it, I could have gotten into a lot of trouble," I murmur. Lily smiles, and it's a surprisingly warm, sincere smile.
Maybe this girl isn't all that bad
.

"All I did was tell her what happened."

Yes, that's true, and while I shouldn't have to be grateful that she simply told the truth, I know better than anyone how rare such a simple moral choice is, particularly in high school, and grateful I am.