Nobody's Sorry You're Dead: A Hadley Pell Cozy Mystery (9 page)

“Boy, I wouldn’t want that job here. I don’t think I could finish dusting this mess in a hundred years,” Beanie said.

“Me neither,” said Hadley, videoing as they carefully picked their way through the clutter. Hadley pointed to a huge ball of string near the doorway. “Grab that Beanie and tie it to the door knob. We will use it to mark out our way till we get our bearings.”

Beanie grabbed a ball of multicolored string that looked like it was made of pieces that had been tied together and tightly wound a ball the size of a large grapefruit. He found the free end and tied a square knot around the knob. He tugged on the string to make sure it held fast. Letting out a little of the string as he followed Hadley into the maze, he looked for secure places to attach it to form a guideline they could follow back out to the porch when it was time to go.

“Did you bring any snacks?” Beanie asked, tying off the string on the knob and making a pretty bow with the ends.

“No,” Hadley said, “but when we finish here, we’ll drop by the house. I’ve got some baloney in the fridge we need to eat before it goes bad. There’s plenty of pecan pie and some macaroni salad we need to eat before it spoils, too.”

“Boy, Hadley,” Beanie said, “you know I always like to help you out, but it seems you always have a truckload of good food on the verge of going bad.”

“You’re right, Bean. I really appreciate you kindly helping me eat all that stuff. I never have learned to cook for one. Waste not. Want not, Bean. And you’re a good friend to help me eat it up.”

“Thanks, Hadley,” Beanie said, stumbling as his the toe of his boot bumped into a box sticking out in their path. Dust billowed out from the dented box as it shifted from its place in the chaos.

“Careful, Bean. We don’t want to get bunged up and bruised.”

“I’m watching. How do you see out of that thing?” Beanie asked.

Hadley stopped and held the camera in front of Beanie. She pointed to a little square area on the camera’s back.

“Just look through here,” she instructed.

“Gosh,” Beanie said, “it’s like lookin’ through a window.”

“Yeah. I wish the light was a little better,” Hadley said. “But leave it to Eustian to swear off electricity. I’m glad this cleaning job doesn’t include the outhouse. I just don’t know if I would ever have the stomach for that. I saw one off in the woods at the side yard when we got out of the car.

“I don’t think the electrical lines even run to the house. I didn’t see any signs of any when we drove up. They must have used kerosene lamps or lanterns or candles for light sources. Boy, I’m cheap Beanie, but I do like my electricity and indoor plumbing. There is a thing such as taking the simple life too far.”

“It’s a wonder he didn’t burn this place down,” Beanie said.

“You said it. The dust alone could ignite a candle and fuel it like a rocket.”

Hadley lowered the camera to check out at a pile of official looking papers spilling out of a cobwebbed-covered cardboard box.

“Hmm, Bean, looks like these are some of Eustian’s court documents.”

Glancing through the top few, she noted the names of several people she recognized.

“Well, Bean,” she said, looking right and then left and bringing the camera up to her eye, “which way do you want to proceed?”

“This way I guess,” Beanie said, tying the string to the antler of an old stuffed deer head. “Hadley, does that deer’s eyes look like they are following us?”

“Not now,” Hadley said, draping the cups of a yellowed brassiere over them. “Eustian sure had a collection of women’s undergarments. Maybe they belonged to his mother.”

She spied a rather large sized pair of old lady’s bloomers splayed out on the back of an overturned chair. “I hope this stuff didn’t belong to him. I can see him wearing this under his overalls. That is really a picture I don’t want stuck in my brain, Bean. ”

They wound their way through the room. Hadley continued videoing. The parlor was next. Hadley ran into Beanie’s back.

“Whoa,” he said.

Beanie had stopped in his tracks without warning. Hadley had to put on her brakes to keep from slamming into his back with the camera lens.

Lowering the camera, Hadley saw what startled him. Draped across the back of the settee was the biggest timber rattler she had ever seen. The fading sun was shining through the open curtains of a big picture window in the parlor.

“Its taking a snooze in that swath of sunlight from the window behind the couch,” Hadley whispered.

Beanie began squirming and wiggling.

“Oh, shoot, Hadley. I think I just peed my pants,” Beanie squealed.

“Beanie.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Stay VERY STILL.”

“I tryin,’ Hadley, but knees are rattling ’n’ my teeth are chattering.”

“That’s all right,” Hadley said. “Just stay where you are. Rattle and chatter all you like, just stand where you are.”

She looked around in the piles of rubbish for anything to use to get the snake off the couch. The day had been cool so the reptile was going to be sluggish, she hoped. So far, it appeared to be ignoring them. Hadley watched the snake for several seconds.

“I gotta be careful, Bean.”

“I wanna scream, Hadley.”

“Go ahead. Snakes are deaf. I’ve learned that much helping Ruth Elliott down at the wildlife shelter. Ruth’s taught me a thing or two about handling snakes. Beanie,” Hadley said. “I’m going to tell you what to do, okay.”

“Okay,” said Beanie, whose voice was exceptionally high and girlish.

“Reach beside you, Beanie. SLOWLY. Hand me that long pole right over there. You see it?”

“Yes.”

“Okay,” Hadley said, “You’re doing fine, Beanie. Just fine. Remember, move slowly.”

Beanie grabbed an old flagpole and did as Hadley instructed. He handed it to Hadley, making sure he moved smoothly and unhurriedly.

“Hold what you got there,” Hadley said. “I’m going to lay this camera down, see, Beanie. Nice and slow. Right here on this box.”

Hadley laid the camera down on a box at her side.

“We’re doing real good, Bean. Real good. That old snake hasn’t moved an inch. Alright, now step behind me, and be very, very still,” Hadley instructed, taking the pole from Beanie.

Hadley began cautiously moving toward the snake. She positioned herself and took several deep breaths to calm her anxiousness. She softly counted to three and made her move.

Grabbing the snake’s tail, Hadley quickly took the end of the flag pole and used it to pin the snake’s head onto the sofa. Dropping the tail, she deftly grabbed the snake as close to the head as possible. She let go of the pole and with her free hand, she grasped the snake’s body tightly to prevent it from thrashing free from her grip.

With the snake secure in her grasp, she now had to move it out of the house and find a place to release it back into the woods where it belonged.

“Okay, Beanie, back on out the front door and I will be right behind you with our uninvited guest.”

They followed the sting guideline back its beginning at the front door.

“Stay on the porch while I set this guy free.” Hadley said, walking out onto the front yard with the snake.

She walked through the path outside to where the yard stopped and the forest began. Holding its head firmly, she placed it on the ground. She positioned herself so she could swiftly jump out of the way. Quickly releasing the head, she high stepped it back a couple of steps. The snake slithered away into the nearby bushes. From there, it disappeared from sight into the woods.

“Golly, Hadley!” Beanie exclaimed. “I don’t think I ever saw anything like that. I’m happy you were with me in there. I was so scared I didn’t know what to do. I ain’t never liked snakes and especially the rattling kind. You saved my life.”

“I’m glad Ruth showed me how to handle snakes at the animal rescue,” Hadley said. “Now, let’s go back into the house. We’ve got a video to finish.”

Hadley and Beanie walked up the porch steps and resumed the expedition following their string trail to the parlor. From there, they wound their way through the cluttered dining room and up the stairs to the second floor. Hadley and Beanie made their way up a flight of stairs through a little path that separated the mounds of book and bundles of yellowing newspapers lining the walls of the stairwell.

Upstairs was just as jumbled and stuffed as the downstairs had been. The three bedrooms and the attic at the back of the second story were all crammed-packed. The fading sun made it hard to tell exactly where one pile left off and another began. Beanie continued tying off the string at intervals, making sure his safety line was secure. There remained only one area of the house to video.

Back downstairs and through the dining room, they entered a small bedroom to the left. Unlike all the other rooms they had explored, the door to this room was shut. Hadley took the beveled clear glass door knob in her hand and twisted it. It smoothly turned, and the door opened to another bedroom.

This room seemed immaculate in comparison to the rest of the house. It was decorated with antique bedroom furniture. An old vanity with a round mirror stood against the side wall. A variety of old perfume bottles and face cream containers were lined up along its shelf like soldiers at attention. The four poster bed at the rear of the room was covered in a yellowed, crocheted spread. A pale pink nightshirt decorated with embroidered roses was neatly laid out at the foot of the bed. The velvet seat in the rocking chair stood forlornly in the corner, worn from use. Roses adorned the wallpaper from floor to ceiling. A faint odor of lilac wafted in the air. Pictures of stern faces covered the walls.

“Wow,” Hadley observed, “I think this is the only room that has ever been cleaned. Looks like Mrs. Singlepenny’s room. I guess Eustian kept this room as a shrine to his mother. See those candles arranged around that lady’s picture on that bedside table?

“I bet that was her shawl that’s draped off that window.

“Boy, Beanie, Eustian must to have worshipped his mama. We’ll close this door and leave the shrine alone for now. Come on. We’ve still got to finish videoing the kitchen before the sun fades.”

“Beanie!” Hadley said, lowering the camera to make sure her eyes were truly seeing what she thought they were.

“Son of a buffalo,” Beanie breathed.

It was like a scene out of a horror movie. The theme of clutter and filth had been carried over into this room to the extreme. Dirty dishes were piled high and crusty with dark lumps of leftover food. Pots filled with unimaginable sludge sat on the small wood cook stove. Cereal spilled out of an overturned box on the counter. It looked like a stale pike of sugary gunk.

Dirt-smudged glasses of all shapes and sizes sat on the grimy countertops and in the brown-stained, oversized enamel sink. Beside the sink stood another well pump like the one in the yard but of a smaller size. Water dripped in an unceasing
ping-ping-ping
onto a cracked dish surrounded by a slimy puddle of grease that had congealed in the bottom of the sink.

The old table stood in the center of the room. It was surprisingly neat compared to the rest of the room. It held an empty plate with a fork balanced on its rim. An old copy of the Hope Rock County Gazette lay beside the used tableware. Two simple chairs sat at either end, one for the long departed Mama Singlepenny, and the other for her dead son.

Huge roaches scattered as the two walked into the room. On the counter was a tin pie pan with one slice of apricot pie remaining. Dead ants coated it like black pepper. Beanie bumped into Hadley as she recorded the mess through her viewfinder.

“Noodles,” Hadley said. “Bet that little jiggle of the camera will look like I’m riding a roller coaster.”

She turned the camera off for a moment and looked around. She noted a box with a large cheerful red and white checkered napkin draped on the inside of the box. Smiling sunshine decals were plastered over the sides

“Hurmph. A Shut-In Surprise box” said Hadley.

“Sorry,” he said. “Didn’t mean to jostle you. What kinda surprise is that, Hadley?”

“Oh, that’s just my name for it. There really isn’t a name for it, I don’t think. It’s a ministry the ladies of the church have.

Helps out the old folks who don’t get out much, anymore.

Widows. Widowers. Pensionsers.

The way it works is simple. Once a month, a bunch of the ladies cook up a lot of food. They fill up boxes and load up a van. One lady volunteers to take the boxes to the needy. They usually make up about a dozen. Rayna had it last month. Maury’s taking it this month, and Maury wants me to take it month after next. She went over the list with me.

“Those women have mapped out a pretty easy route. She said Mayzelle Quid’s volunteered for next month. Maury said I should think about heading it up, but I don’t know. I’m pretty busy right now.

“Plus, I’m mad at Maury for volunteering me for the charity bake sale. I’m still charcoaled over it.

“It really is a good thing, I guess. But I get so wrapped up in the stuff I’m doing at home, more often than not, I forget about these boxes. The time gets away from me so, Beanie.

“That sounds like a pitiful excuse, and it is, but it’s the only one I got. I do cook up some dishes and send them over to the church, sometimes.

“Gotta admit, I don’t do it every month like I should. Guess I’ll have to do better. One of these days, I might be on the receiving end, if I live long enough.”

“Amen,” said Beanie, reverently.

“Boy, Beanie, this is something, isn’t it?” Hadley said. “Don’t worry about messing up the video. Here, you stand over by the door. I’m gonna start it over again from the entrance and worm my way through this mess. Probably need to stop flapping my jaws and get moving quick.

“Light changes every second.

I gotta pay close attention to things like that, Beanie. I never understood what Harry was talking about when he had this hobby, but I think the light bulb’s switched on inside my noggin.

“Look at how good the counters look, now. I want to catch every ray before it shifts. Harry was lots better than me at stuff like this. I’m hoping to get better with practice.”