Nobody's Lady (17 page)

“It’s just my daughter, dear. My husband’s out for the evening, so there’s plenty of space.” Mother smiled and let the apron fall, patting my hand gently. “It’ll be just us women.” She squeezed my hand as if to emphasize I belonged with the group.

“Roslyn’s got an early shift tomorrow.”

“I can stay.”

I turned to face the table and saw the beauty who’d been with Jaron and the other men at the tavern a few days before. The one who’d left almost the moment I sat down to join them. She struggled to smile at me when I caught her eye. But she seemed to put in the effort—so much so, I felt compelled to smile back. Just a little.

“Wonderful.” Mother clasped her hands together and crossed the room to the cupboard, pulling out the plates. “How’s the roast, dear?”

I hadn’t noticed Elfriede standing beside the fire, turning over a hunk of well-charred meat. “It’s ready,” she said, reaching out for a set of tongs behind her.

I grabbed a handful of skirt in my good hand and shuffled my feet, trying to decide whether it was better to run for the door or remain standing beneath the assault of the Tanner daughters’ gazes.

“Noll, for goddess’s sake, help me set the table.”

I jumped at the word “goddess,” immediately shuffling over to where Mother held out the wooden plates.

“Let me,” said Roslyn, standing. “Noll is injured.” She smiled tightly again. “Why don’t you have a seat?”

I took one look at the thin, hard line of Marden’s lips and immediately cut my own struggling smile short.

“Does Alvilda still give you her surplus of work?” Mother put her fork down beside her plate. She hadn’t taken very big portions, and she’d barely touched what little she’d taken.

I coughed, feeling the silence hanging over the table, remembering the day we’d first brought home the stool on which I sat. The day Elfriede first invited Jurij for dinner. “She does. I mean, she
did
. I haven’t seen her much the past few weeks.”

Marden snorted and stabbed a chunk of meat with her fork. “Why doesn’t that surprise me?”

Elfriede stifled a laugh, making a great show of getting up from the table to bring over another pitcher of water.

I tapped my plate with my fork. “She’s not upset with me, if that’s what you think. Things have just been … awkward. All around.”

Roslyn watched me carefully over her forkful of potato. Even while Elfriede and Marden had spoken to one another and to Mother, Roslyn had yet to say a word since we’d started eating.

“Awkward,” Marden spat as Elfriede filled her mug and sat down beside her. “That’s a mild way of putting it.”

Mother seemed about to say something but instead took a sip from her mug. I wanted to ask if Father was at the tavern—if Father was
frequently
at the tavern—but I didn’t think it right to ask the question in front of an audience ready to jump down my throat.

“Some people seem to have adjusted.” I picked at a potato on my plate. I didn’t mean for my eyes to flit accusingly toward Elfriede and Roslyn, but they did. Roslyn hadn’t done anything to make me unwelcome, and I’d already sort of hashed things out with Friede. I quickly turned to Mother. “Jaron is about as happy as I’ve ever seen any man.”

Mother’s shoulders stiffened at the name, and I couldn’t help but watch for Elfriede’s reaction. She cupped her hand in front of her face and whispered something to Marden that caused both of them to dissolve into stifled laughter. Not what I’d expected.

Roslyn set down her fork. “I think you’d have to be a man to be happy with how things are now.”

I shoved a too-large piece of potato into my mouth in an attempt to stop the feelings that threatened to swell up through my chest.

Mother stroked her mug with her finger. “Women like Alvilda.” A corner of her lips turned up. “Siofra. They’re probably happier than anyone.”

Marden raised her eyebrows. “Because they each fell in love with another woman?”

“Because they no longer have the burden of what to do with the love of men.” Mother reached across the table to grab Elfriede’s pitcher of water and poured herself a glass. “Men whose love they never wanted anyway.”

I lowered my fork. There was something about her tone that made the rest of the food on my plate suddenly unappetizing.

“I’m glad you’ve all been trying to move on.” Mother cradled her mug, not overly concerned with drinking from it. “Girls, it’s time we stopped feeling sorry for ourselves. It’s time we stopped waiting around for men to worship us. It’s not going to happen anymore.”

“Mother, is there something wrong with you and—”

She held out a hand to stop me, lowering her mug without even having a sip. “Things with your father are right where we both want them to be.”

“But you never got remarried.”

Mother snorted. “Who needs a piece of paper?” She grimaced. “We’re … working through some things. We both need some space. Time to reevaluate who we are. And there’s no room for bitterness in this. Things are different. We just have to accept that.”

Roslyn burst into tears. She sobbed so hard her shoulders shook. Marden wrapped an arm around her and pulled her into an embrace. Elfriede jumped up to stand behind her, tucking Roslyn’s hair behind her shoulders. Mother touched her elbow. I froze.

“It’s just … ” Roslyn pulled away from her sister and wiped her cheeks with the heel of her hand. “I lost
everything
. Not just Darwyn, but my way of life. The feeling that someone was there for me, no matter what happened. Knowing I meant everything to someone, even if I meant nothing to anyone else. The things that got me through the day, the reasons I woke up in the morning.”

Elfriede stroked her hair. “
We’re
here for you, Roslyn. We feel the same way.”

“And you’re not
nothing
to us, Lyn. We’re family,” Marden added, her own eyes glistening.

“I know. I know.” Roslyn hiccupped as she took a deep breath. “It’s not that I’m not grateful to have the job at the tavern. Or to be back home. But the tavern work is so different, nothing like the bakery, and things are so tense between Mother and Father at the tannery. And you’re just as miserable as I am, Mar.”

Marden snorted. “I’m
over
being miserable. Sindri can take a jump off the mountainside for all I care.”

“
Marden
. You don’t mean that.” Elfriede was crying, too. She let go of Roslyn’s shoulder just for a moment to wipe a tear from her own eye. Then she and Marden stared at one another and laughed, choking on hiccups.

“No, I
do
mean it.” Marden threw her shoulders back and tossed her dark hair over her shoulder. “I mean, I wouldn’t be
happy
if he jumped off the mountainside.”

Roslyn’s voice was quieter. “But what if there was never any hope of you getting back with Sindri?” She craned her head up to look behind her. “Or Jurij?”

Elfriede’s smile vanished, and she patted Roslyn’s shoulder lightly. “There
isn’t
any hope.”

I grabbed my mug of water with a shaking hand and brought it to my lips, dying for a way to occupy myself.

Marden shook her head. “It’s not a matter of hope. I’m not hoping for that.” She leaned back in her chair. “Why would I want this man I hardly know back? He’s not the man who worshipped me. He’s not
my
Sindri. That man’s gone.”

Roslyn wiped her nose on her sleeve. “But my Darwyn really
is
gone.” She heaved a great sob and buried her head in her arms on the table. Mother carefully leaned forward to pull the plate out of her way. “He’s in love with another
man
!”

I spit out my water, immediately drawing the attention of every other person in the room—and the dog for that matter.

Marden rolled her eyes. “Don’t tell me
you
didn’t know. I thought you were
one of the boys
.”

I nearly tipped the mug over as I clumsily put it back on the table. “I’ve seen them a few times. I don’t know
everything
they’ve been up to.” Darwyn wrapped in a sheet, walking into the room a few minutes later with Tayton, the looks and light touches that passed between them that night—all of a sudden everything took on a very different meaning. I wiped my mouth with the back of my sleeve.

Roslyn was only fleetingly deterred by my outburst. “And they meet
at the tavern
! I’m working tables and practically passing out from exhaustion, and he’s upstairs with that big-lipped, obtuse fool that Rosalba never really liked in the first place.” She burst into louder sobs and slammed her head against her arms once more.

I opened my mouth, ready to defend Tayton. Not that we were really good friends. Or that I’d forgotten how he’d acted toward me and Ingrith a few years back. I was at least a little amused by the fact that I wasn’t the only one who’d noticed his resemblance to a fish, even with the wooden fish mask removed. But Elfriede seemed to read my mind, and the glare that she gave me before I could move my tongue was enough to shut my mouth again.

Mother grabbed a fresh rag from the basin, dipping it in the clean bucket of water before wringing it out. She slid back into her chair and patted Roslyn’s elbow gently, rousing her and offering the cloth. “It’s good to let it out sometimes, dear.” She nodded as Roslyn took the rag and began tapping it against her cheeks. “So long as you know that tears won’t change anything.”

Roslyn nodded sullenly, and even Marden let out a great sigh. The fire seemed to have left her, if just for a moment. Roslyn held the damp cloth in both hands, staring at it. “It’s not that I’m jealous.” She grinned as Marden nudged her. “Okay, I’m a
little
jealous. But like Marden said, I miss
my
Darwyn. I don’t care what
this
Darwyn does. I just miss what we once had.” She gently put the rag down on the table. “I hate working at the tavern.”

“Mother and Father could use your help with the tanning,” said Marden.

Roslyn interrupted her. “No. I was so glad to be done with that the first time.”

Marden shrugged. “It’s not
that
bad. I guess. A little tiresome now that I have to do it without Sindri … ” She smiled sheepishly. “
Okay
, without him to boss around. I said it. I miss bossing my husband around.”

Roslyn laughed and rubbed some of the moisture off of her face with the back of her hand. “
You
would.”

Marden grinned. “What did we need a man for, if not for someone to support us?” She looked at her sister, Elfriede, and Mother in turn. “I’m serious! What do you miss so badly?”

Roslyn tried her faltering smile. “The bakery.”

Mother tossed her head back. “His arms around me.”

Elfriede pinched her lips. “His eyes. And the flame within them. It seemed to light up the world around us, like it burned just for the two of us, and the love we shared.”

The four of them fell into silence. Even Marden lost some of her fire.

I cleared my throat, bringing their drifting attention back to the fact that there was someone else left in the room. “I think I can help at least one of you.” I nodded at Roslyn. “Darwyn’s mother really misses you. Why can’t you keep working at the bakery?”

Roslyn seemed to light up for just a moment, but a shadow fell quickly back over her face. “I can’t.”

“Why not?” I reached for the golden copper I kept tucked in the band at my waist, finding comfort in the solid shape. “I get it. I get it more than any of you might believe. It’s not a great feeling when your entire world is ripped out from underneath you.”

Marden’s nose crinkled. “I thought
you
were happy with the way things turned out. Since it freed your sister’s husband to move in with you.”

“Oh, but consider how much she lost, too!” Roslyn covered her mouth at the outburst, clearly embarrassed. “I just meant … the castle. You could have been not just his wife, but his
lady
. Lady of the entire village.”

“I’m not cut out to be anybody’s wife. And I’m nobody’s lady.”

I glanced at Elfriede to see what she thought of the comment. Her usually plush lips were thin, unmoving. “Imagine what it’s like for the men,” I said. “They went from knowing exactly what they wanted—from knowing
all
they’d ever want, experiencing bliss or despair because of it—to suddenly having the freedom we’ve had all along. How can you expect them to trust their own hearts, after years of their hearts misleading them?”

I let go of the coin and put my hand flat against my leg, willing myself to forget Ailill. “The power we had over men was dangerous. But at least if we loved the men back, everyone knew that love to be true.” I locked eyes with Elfriede. “The love the men gave us—it was never true. It was never their choice.”

I stood up from the table. “But that doesn’t mean we have to just curl up in the corner and wait for the men to sort out their messes. We have our own lives. We should be finding what
we
can do to make ourselves happy, instead of lamenting that there isn’t a man who’s a slave to our whims anymore.” I threw back my shoulders. “I’ll go with you, Roslyn. Let’s get your job back. Darwyn’s mother said you were good. It’d be a shame to waste your talent.”