Nobody Loves a Bigfoot Like a Bigfoot Babe (20 page)

WHEN MB CAME AROUND some time later, he found himself well outside the cave lying on a bed of sweet-smelling flower petals in a beautiful glade surrounded by Bigfoot of all shapes and sizes, sitting on their haunches in a circle. He saw Meeelaaa with them.

Some Bigfoot looked old with graying hair, and long, sagging breasts.

Each Bigfoot held the hand of the Bigfoot next to them. All of them had a profusion of flowers in their hair, especially behind their pert, short, tufted ears, and necklaces of petals around their necks.

MB looked quizzically at them and thought he must be tripping out. He watched two little Bigfoot, both heavily spotted in reddish-brown over light fawn hair, pointing at him and chuckling in a nasal snorting way. If he didn't know any better he would have assumed they were Bigfoot offspring. But then he did know better and immediately assumed that was so fucked-up because they weren't Bigfoot. Nothing made any sense. What the fuck!

MB jumped as the foxy babe gave him a hefty shove to notice her standing behind him.

All the Bigfoot giggled with quick-fire snorting.

MB's favorite Bigfoot babe squatted down next to him and pointed to a piece of bark containing chunks of bright yellow fungus, similar to a mushroom. She pointed and indicated with her hand to eat.

"I don't even know your name?" Not knowing her name wouldn't stop him having sex with her, but it seemed polite to ask.

He waited for a reply and got nothing. MB still felt more than a little light-headed from whatever he had drunk before. He wondered if he'd had sex. He couldn't remember. He felt down below. His love machine didn't feel as though he had done it, but his eyes widened as he realized he was as naked as a jay bird.

All the Bigfoot pointed to MB's groin and chuckled, "Sfsfsfsfsfsfsfsf."

It wouldn't be the first time, thought MB, that he'd consumed one too many alcoholic beverages and had sex without any recollection. He remembered the Bigfoot babes giving him something to drink that made him feel intoxicated and quite sleepy.

MB frowned as he contemplated what might have happened. He shook his head in an attempt to clear the fog. Instead, the act of moving his head, made him feel a little more light-headed, and everything left trails of colors in his mind's vision. Cool!

MB slowly sat up and waved, "Hi there, everyone."

As he spoke he realized how dehydrated he was. Whatever they'd given him to drink had not only knocked him out, but had given him a big thirst.

Foxy babe picked up the bark containing the jooobaaa fungus and offered it to him. She indicated with her fingers to eat.

As MB took a piece of jooobaaa, she nudged his nose with her wet snout. He could smell tequila on her breath, thus confirming they were not real Bigfoot. He had a nagging feeling that he had seen her before or even knew her, but from where?

He took a tentative mouthful, thinking it might be the stuff he'd drunk earlier that had knocked him out. To his relief, it tasted like raw mushroom. He ate most of the jooobaaa, and quenched his thirst from the same hollow branch containing the whacky liquid.

MB smacked his lips and rubbed his tummy, "Mmm, that was good."

Foxy babe smiled, revealing sharp, crooked yellow teeth. She snatched the branch out of his hand and threw it away, under MB's curious and watchful gaze. She picked up the empty bark and threw that away.

MB was in another world where all the colors took on new and exciting hues. His anxiety over the existence of Bigfoot had vanished. He looked at the gathering of Bigfoot watching him and smiled at them.

Foxy babe spoke in a deep, husky voice, "Woooo-woooo-woooo-woooo." She picked up a handful of red berries and rubbed them over her rear end.

MB looked perplexed, for he did not know what she had just said to him or why she was rubbing berries between her legs. He just smiled amiably in his confused state, shrugging his shoulders and thought what the hell. So he played along hoping this would end with sex.

Suddenly, all the Bigfoot screamed loudly, "Woooooeeeeeeoooooooeeeeeeoooooo." They raised their arms to the heavens.

MB looked startled at his audience.

The Bigfoot started to happily chant, "Woooo-woooo-woooo-woooo."

Latin American music started up-a salsa.

A thoroughly bemused MB looked around at the Bigfoot and saw Duane's portable CD player on the ground. As yet, he had no idea he was the only human present.

Moments later, all the Bigfoot started to salsa and did a ring around the roses around MB and Foxy babe, throwing all the flowers from their bodies at the soon-to-be newlyweds.

In that sun-drenched clearing full of bright flowers, the Bigfoot continued to dance in a circle. Butterflies flitted over the flowers. Rabbits hopped closer, twitching their snouts. A pair of wolves sat at the clearing edge, howling in unison. Raccoons, elks, grizzlies, deer, weasels and birds of every species filled the clearing as spectators to the Bigfoot wedding.

It was at this point that Duane finally showed up with Olaaa.

As the Bigfoot continued to dance around MB and his Foxy babe, Duane broke through the circle.

MB was glad to see his friend, "Hey Duane-o, guess what?"

"Shit, MB, what have you gone and done, now?" Duane declared, looking quite troubled.

MB smiled innocently and shrugged. He hadn't done anything untoward, not that he could remember. And even now, he still didn't think the Bigfoot were real.

"Did you eat a mushroom . . . a big yellow mushroom?" Duane asked with a worried look.

"Oh yeah . . . yellow's my favorite color," MB replied, looking puzzled.

Why did his friend seem so troubled? It was a beautiful day. The birds were tweeting. The Bigfoot were real friendly. Even the animals seemed to be tame. He was having a really good time.

"You idiot," Duane exclaimed. "Do you know what you've done?" Duane looked real pissed. "Have you done the deed yet?"

MB shrugged. He didn't have a clue what he'd done. He nodded no with a shrug.

Duane slapped MB across the head, "Wake up, you dufus. You've gotten engaged to a Bigfoot babe."

MB rubbed his head, "I'd know if I'd done anything like that . . . and within the realms of reason and logic, I'm certain I didn't." He shook his head in confusion.

Duane gave MB an exasperated look. "These aren't sexy playthings, MB . . . don't you get it . . . these are real Bigfoot." Duane pointed to his hairy friends.

"No such thing as Bigfoot," MB blurted with a chuckle.

Duane's face grew serious. "Yes there are," he insisted. "And you just got engaged to one of them-Teeelaaa." He pointed to Teeelaaa.

MB gave his friend a speculative look then beamed, "Uh . . . hi, Teeelaaa."

Teeelaaa mewed and chuckled, looking very fetching, twirling her hips around to the music.

MB could see that Duane didn't look as if he was kidding. He shook his head, still reluctant to believe that these Bigfoot were real. A moment of clarity kicked in as MB upchucked the jooobaaa. He shuddered as he wondered if this was still a dream.

"Well, who'd have thought . . . I've got engaged to a Bigfoot babe!" MB smiled lecherously at Teeelaaa, thinking,
no way she's a Bigfoot.

"Oh yeah, you sure did," Duane said adamantly. "I almost married Teeelaaa, too. She's a real cock-teaser and it's Maaawooo's cock being teased." He pointed to the massive dangerous-looking Bigfoot, entering the circle.

Teeelaaa squealed with delight as Maaawooo picked up a piece of jooobaaa and munched it. She threw petals all over herself and Maaawooo.

"She's been trying to get hitched to Maaawooo for the last twelve moons without much success."

"Really? What happens now, old buddy?" MB chuckled, still not believing a word Duane had told him. He watched Maaawooo mount Teeelaaa just inches from his face.

But something in Duane's serious manner troubled MB. He looked at Teeelaaa as she groaned with each thrust from Maaawooo. Her hair really looked too good. Her gorgeous tits looked too good! Maaawooo's humungous cock looked too real and impossibly big for a human as he dismounted.

MB reached out and grabbed Teeelaaa's arm. His eyes opened wide in shock. He felt the hair and rippling muscles.

"Fuck . . . they're real Bigfoot!" MB looked with awe into Teeelaaa's big, round blue eyes. He jumped to his feet in shock.

"That's what I've been trying to tell you . . . and my advice to you, my friend, is to get on good terms with Maaawooo."

Maaawooo growled with menace.

MB swallowed nervously and looked wide-eyed with disbelief and excitement at Teeelaaa. No one would ever believe him, that he, Chief Mocking Bird had been engaged to a real Bigfoot babe. He pinched himself, thinking he was still asleep and having a wet dream.

"I must be dreaming," MB insisted. He couldn't feel the pinch with all the whacky shit he'd taken.

Duane gave MB another smack across the head, "Feel that, dufus?" Duane smirked as MB rubbed his head. "It's for real."

Duane shook some sense into his naked and completely confused friend. "Now there are two ways you can get out of this. One is the old fashioned way." Duane grinned mischievously. "And that is to allow your ex-mate-Teeelaaa in this case, to tie you up naked and cover you all over in berry juice . . ." He faltered to allow this to sink into MB's befuddled brain.

MB liked the sound of where this was going so far. He was eager for Duane to continue.

Duane continued with a twinkle in his eyes, "…. After that you would be left outside a raccoons' nest to let them-the raccoons, lick off the berry juice." Duane pointed to several voracious-looking raccoons. "Sometimes they get quite ravenous."

The raccoons stood on their hind legs and chuckled with delight, showing sharp teeth.

MB looked horrified at the raccoons and swallowed hard.

Duane finished off with, "if you're lucky, the raccoons will leave you intact, so to speak, but without any body hair whatsoever, and if you're not so lucky . . . well, do I need to go down there?"

MB was ready to puke at the thought of his beloved beef bayonet being bitten off. He looked fearfully at Teeelaaa. The thought of a pack of rabid raccoons slurping berries off his naked body was so unpleasant that he started to shake with sheer dread.

"Not recommended! And the second way . . ." Duane paused and grinned. His eyes twinkled with delight and mischief. "Well, it's more of a dare really. In my case, Teeelaaa, my soon-to-be ex-mate, drew a picture of what she wanted me to do. Bigfoot are really good artists, by the way. I bet not many people know that. You know most of those ancient Indian drawings on rocks and in caves?" Duane waited for MB to nod yes. "…. Well, Bigfoot drew them."

MB had a look of total shock on his face, "No way, man. That's our heritage you're messing with."

"It's me you're talking to now, MB . . . you're no more an Indian than that grandfather of yours -the one always falling off his horse in
The High Chaparral
."

MB sobered up some. "It's our secret, right?"

Duane smirked and continued, "Whatever. Anyway, Teeelaaa dared me to enter a stranger's home with a real Bigfoot and give said Bigfoot a hose down."

"Why the doughnuts?"

"Good question … as for the doughnuts, well that one's for Lou's deputies. She told me she just can't get them to lay off cakes. Unfortunately for the sheriff's department, I like sneaking into people's homes so much I don't want to stop."

MB was well aware that Duane was the Phantom Bigfoot, now that he'd taken on the mantle as Sergeant Sphincter, but the rest of his story was a bit too hard to swallow. And yet he had no choice but to believe what Duane had told him about the Bigfoot.

MB looked back at Teeelaaa and Maaawooo bonking their brains out for the second time and all around at the other Bigfoot still dancing to the salsa music. He realized that he was in mild shock. No one was going to believe any of this. No one would believe that he'd witnessed a Bigfoot wedding. He didn't quite believe it himself.

THE NEXT DAY, the sheriff's patrol car slowly drove down Big Beaver Avenue displaying an array of detached houses with their white clapboard walls and well-maintained gardens, rimmed in by white wooden fences and small Ponderosa fir trees.

The houses were of a wide variety of designs and sizes, having been built over a period of hundred years. There were no cookie-cutters in Big Beaver. All were very clean and presentable looking, picture-postcard like. Several of the houses displayed Bed and Breakfast signs.

Happy Beaverites were out walking their dogs and going about their day-to-day lives unaware that yet another heinous crime had now been committed in their neighborhood.

As Lou drove around a curve in the road she and Deputy Dwight, seated next to her, could see another patrol car and the Medical Examiner's car outside the Funderburk House.

The Funderburk House was the first to be built on the avenue and backed directly onto the verge of the forest. It had Ponderosa pine trees out front, blocking the house from nosy Beaverites.

Lou parked her patrol car behind the other vehicles and switched the engine off. Lou and Dwight sat in the car for several moments with grim faces.

The sheriff blew out her cheeks and heaved a sigh. She was less than eager to enter the crime scene as she'd seen it all before. She glanced at Deputy Dwight and could tell his gut was churning just like hers.

It occurred to Lou that maybe this was the work of the copycat. So far, the local radio had been told to play it down, and so there had been no mention of a copycat. The mayor wanted the entire Phantom Bigfoot Bather Case to be kept as quiet as possible. But it was still the summer season. Hordes of tourists were descending on their idyllic little town and so word had started to spread. Big Beaver would probably make national headlines and become the laughing stock of the nation. Lou didn't want that to happen to her town.

"Come on, chubby, move it," Lou ordered, as she opened the door of her patrol car and got out. She took in a massive, deep breath of fresh, pine-scented air, as if it would be her last.

Dwight lingered for a moment inside the confines of the sheriff's patrol car. He took a deep breath of the scented magnolia stick that hung from the rear view mirror. He savored the pleasing fragrance for a moment then slowly got out.

As they approached the house they saw the comfy outdoor floral-patterned chairs dotted about the porch. Hanging plants dangled from the veranda's overhang. The bright yellow front door was wide open.

Sheriff Lou and Deputy Dwight heard a dog barking and children playing in a nearby neighbor's garden.

Lou reached the front porch first and muttered to herself, "No fainting, Lou. You're the sheriff . . . got that?"

Just as she was about to place her foot onto the front porch, Deputy Bill burst forth from the open door and jumped down the steps into the front lawn, almost knocking Lou and Dwight off the veranda. He had a hand to his mouth as if about to puke.

Sheriff Lou and Deputy Dwight turned round to watch in horror as the deputy bent over. Thankfully nothing came up.

Lou swallowed down the need to throw up herself, thinking this is going to be bad.

Dwight patted his rounded stomach and muttered, "I've gotta real bad feeling about this one, Lou."

"Oh yeah," Lou agreed with a grimace.

"Don't go in there. It's the worst one yet," Deputy Bill groaned, gasping for fresh air.

Lou turned away from Bill, and entered the house with Deputy Dwight.

ONCE IN THE HALLWAY, Lou and Dwight heard Deputy Will and the ME's muted voices coming from somewhere upstairs. Throughout the lower part of the house there was the sweet fragrance of Lily of the Valley air freshener mixed with that familiar pungent odor. Lou saw two large sets of muddy Bigfoot prints making their way from the rear kitchen to the stairs.

She gave the neat hallway a cursory glance as she walked towards the stairs with Deputy Dwight in tow.

They paused outside the open living room door. There, seated in a rocking chair, was Ms Mamie Funderburk, quietly watching TV with the sound muted. She was a petite, white-haired, eighty-five-year-old woman. She was quite deaf and more than a little absent-minded.

Ms Mamie's housekeeper had reported the crime before breakfast that day. She had told Lou not to upset Ms Mamie, as she was totally oblivious to anything untoward going on in her home. Apparently the old girl slept downstairs these days due to arthritis that prevented her from climbing the stairs, and as such, had not witnessed the crime.

AT THE TOP of the stairs, Sheriff Lou and Deputy Dwight noticed the plethora of small gilt framed photographs of the bygone years of Ms Mamie and various family members and friends.

They could still hear Deputy Will and the ME talking. Sheriff Lou and Deputy Dwight exchanged anxious glances as they walked down the hallway towards the crime scene, following the muddy footprints.

Lou's nostrils twitched. She could now smell the faint hint of bleach and that all too familiar, pungent stench, that would cling to her senses for days afterwards.

Sheriff Lou and Deputy Dwight took in deep breaths. Slowly, with stomach-churning dread, they tentatively walked down the hallway towards the bathroom.

They reached the open door to the crime scene and peered into the bathroom to see Deputy Will photographing the ME, as he drew a plastic sheet over the bowl. Both had pegs on their noses.

Sheriff Lou and Deputy Dwight could clearly see muddy Bigfoot prints completely covering the linoleum floor. Lou correctly concluded that one perp had used the toilet. The air was now so overpowering that Lou felt dizzy.

Deputy Will and the ME were too involved with the crime scene to notice that the sheriff and Dwight had come in to the small bathroom and were standing quietly behind them.

Lou coughed as the stink burrowed into her brain.

"Smells about the same to me," Lou declared, announcing her presence with a wrinkled nose.

Both Will and Herb jumped almost out of their skins, turning round to look at the sheriff and Dwight who stood a few feet behind them, revealing the toilet bowl with a plastic sheet over it.

From Deputy Will's puce-green pallor and the ME's whiter than normal features, Lou didn't need to know what she was about to see was going to make her feel pretty bad too.

Lou walked over to the toilet with leaden feet while Dwight stood fixed to the spot trying not to breath in the disgusting stench that invaded his nostrils. Lou removed the sheet to see two partially eaten chocolate éclairs floating in the pan.

It had to be Duane, she thought, and he was escalating to a different confection. Not that there weren't other suspects in town, but Duane was the number one. And Duane was smart, which meant the Phantom Bigfoot was smart, for he knew to put plenty of bleach down the toilet bowl and in the bathing facilities.

Lou checked the bath and saw the drain clogged with matted fur, as yet unidentified, although close to being human hair. So the hair could not be Duane's.

"You just going to stand there like a lost turd, Dwight?" Herb remarked somewhat peevishly. "Do you think it's the work of the copycat?" Herb asked Lou.

"Perhaps?" Lou replied, who was now unable to tear her eyes away from the clumps of fur stuck to the sides of the bath and tiles. She dared to sniff the hair and thought the smell was very similar to Duane's Bigfoot suit.

"I've seen enough. Time for the extraction!" Lou pushed Dwight aside and breathed in fresh air at the window.

Dwight fell backwards into the bath, floundering like a beached whale.

From her vantage point, Lou had a clear view of the garden below and of the small group of eager Beaverites now gathered on the lawn.

Deputy Bill was there, telling them, "The Phantom Bigfoot has struck again."

In response to the deputy's declaration, everyone cheered loud and clear for all to hear.

Typical
, Lou thought.

Less than fifteen minutes later, Walt Flucker and son arrived at the crime scene. Having received an urgent call from Noreen to get ASAP to Mamie Funderburk's house, Walt wasted no time, and with sirens blazing on his "Dumpster" mobile, as he affectionately called it, arrived ASAP at the crime scene.

THE BRAVE SHERIFF WATCHED the Fluckers standing over the toilet bowl staring at the éclairs. Father and son were dressed in their professional-looking, dark brown jumpsuits with "No dump is too big for a Flucker" emblazoned on their backs in luminous lime green.

It suddenly occurred to Lou that the Fluckers might very well be the copycat Phantom Bigfoot. It wouldn't surprise her if they were, but for now she needed to concentrate on this crime scene.

The Fluckers' faces remained their usual ruddiness. But strangely enough neither held their hands over their mouths to cover up the foul stench. They were professional sewage extraction experts, a job not to be taken lightly.

Walt took in a big breath. "Ah, ambrosia to my nostrils." He started to giggle. "Damn . . . that éclair looks real tasty."

Lou looked with revulsion at Walt.

"Which one?" Beau chuckled, taking a snapshot of the offending items with his cell phone. "That one's mine!" Beau reached for one éclair.

Lou slapped Beau's hand and looked disapprovingly at father and son. "This isn't a laughing matter . . . just get on with the extraction." She turned to Herb, "Bag all the hair in the bath and make castings of the prints in the back garden."

Lou gave Dwight an urgent look for him to do something, indicating Beau's cell phone.

Dwight, still wiping Bigfoot hair from his uniform with his hand, took his cue and made a dash towards Beau in an attempt to grab hold of the cell phone before he decided to mail it off.

Beau quickly raised his cell phone up high out of Dwight's reach.

Deputy Will, the ME and Walt started to snigger.

"You can't take photos of a crime scene," Dwight spluttered excitedly as he tried, with arms raised, to grab hold of the cell phone. He looked like a plump ballerina.

Walt grinned at Dwight then at Lou. "Come on, Lou, leave Beau alone . . . he's been through enough."

"Uh-uh," was Lou's reply. "Hand it over, Beau."

"Shit," Walt mumbled under his breath. He nodded to Beau.

Beau heaved a sigh and handed the cell phone to the deputy, but dropped it into the toilet.

"You did that on purpose, didn't you?" Dwight demanded with as much authority as he could muster.

"Go fetch it if you want it that bad, blubber guts," Beau teased.

Dwight gave a hurt look to Beau before looking down into the toilet.

Walt chuckled at Dwight's discomfort. With a manly swagger he turned his attention back to the toilet bowl. Walt unzipped a chest pocket and removed a pair of heavy duty latex gloves, extra long, which he slowly slipped over his hands with a resounding snap.

Lou heaved a woeful sigh. "Hold it Walt! This time we should keep the crime scene intact. I want you to drain the water from the toilet bowl and unscrew the fixings and bring the toilet intact to the Medical Examiner's lab." She glanced over at the ME who nodded his head in agreement.

Lou rushed from the bathroom with Dwight and Will in tow.

* * *

A LITTLE OVER TWO HOURS later, the Fluckers staggered out of the Funderburk House with the offending toilet between them, wrapped in a body-bag.

A rapturous cheer came from the large crowd of Beaverites and deputies awaiting the arrival of said toilet.

Walt and son had great difficulty heaving the cumbersome toilet into the back of their Dumpster Mobile.

Both men removed hankies and mopped their sweaty brows.

Grimaces and yucks came from the crowd.

Sheriff Lou hopped into her patrol car and drove off.

Following her were the deputies' cars, the ME's car and Walt's Dumpster Mobile.

Lou's thoughts drifted towards Willis. That's it.