Nobody Likes Fairytale Pirates (46 page)

“Where did your people even
get
a giant spider, anyway?”  Uriah asked her calmly, speaking louder so that she
could hear him over their client’s cries for help.

“I have no idea.”  She shook her
head.  “Wish I’d thought of it though.  I would have
loved
watching it
kill my prisoners.”

“You were right.  It was a trap.”  He
put his arm around her.  “One day I’ll learn to always trust in the appalling
yet entertaining sadism of your people, Dove.”

Din’s voice cut off suddenly,
followed by the sound of glass breaking… only somehow in reverse, as if
whatever had broken was repairing itself.

“Aaaaaand now it’s dragged him back
into one of the golden mural things.”  Uriah finished.

“Like a door?”

“Like diving into a pond.”  He
sounded completely uninterested.  “Huh.  You see some weird stuff in piracy.” 
He cleared his throat.  “Or
you
soon will, anyway.”  He pulled away from
her, walking towards the path.  “I’ll be right back.”

“This has all been about me.”  She
whispered.  It wasn’t a question.

“Everything I
do
is about
you.”  He agreed.  “And
my
first wish won’t be for gold, or godhood, or
mermaids.  Because I don’t value any of that.”  He turned to face her again. 
“I value you.”  He started off again.  “And I have a lot to make up for.”

Her mind raced, panic setting in.  “Do
you love me?”  She called after him.

“You know that I do.”

She swallowed, her throat suddenly
feeling dry.  “Would you love me more if I weren’t blind?”

“No, of course not.”

“Then why would you risk everything
for it?”

They were both silent as they
considered that.

He was going to go over there and
try to find the
real
lamp, which almost certainly didn’t even exist. 
And his first wish was going to be for her to see again.  But in doing so, he’d
be putting his life at risk.  And even if he
could
somehow find the supposed
lamp and survive the booby-traps, genies were still dangerous and unpredictable.

Ransom knew her people.

Jinshu knew them even better.

And there was no way that lamp
would be anywhere an intruder could get it, if the Adithian’s even had one in
the first place.

If Uriah went to go find it, there
was no way he’d be coming back.

“I can get it.”  He insisted
softly.  “I
know
I can.  I’ll get the lamp and my first wish will be to
fix you.”

“I wasn’t aware I was broken.”  She
whispered.

“Bad choice of words, I’m sorry,
but you understand what I mean.”  He made an anxious sound.  “I can restore your
sight, Ransom!  I can…”

“Are you trying to fix me for me? 
Or for you?”  She crossed her arms over her chest.  “Huh?  You feel bad that I
got hurt and now you want to make up for it.  But you don’t have
anything
to make up for or to prove to me.  Do you think I’d want to see
you
get hurt? 
That I’d want to know that
you
were hurt or killed, because of
me
?” 

“I know you don’t, but…”

“I am perfectly happy the way I am,
Uriah.”  She tried to keep her voice calm and even.  “It’s a pain in the ass
sometimes, yes, but…  Do you know the only thing I can remember seeing?”

“No.”

“You.”  Her voice broke.  “I
remember seeing your face, and all this time I thought you were probably just
exaggerating, but no.  You are a
handsome
sonofabitch, aren’t you?”  She
laughed, still on the verge of crying.  “But… but you are the last thing I ever
want to see.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“No, I mean…”  She let out a shaky
breath.  “Your face is literally the last thing I’ll probably ever see.  But
whether I was blind or not, that’s how I’d want it to be.  Your face is the
sight I’d want to take with me.”  She cursed at herself because she started to
cry.  “So, I’ve already seen everything I’d want to see, Uriah.  And yes, my
life would be easier if I wasn’t blind.  But it wouldn’t be better.  It
wouldn’t make me happier.  I
swear to you
, I am happy exactly as I am. 
With you.  And my blindness.  Please…
please
don’t try to ‘fix’ me,
because I don’t want to be ‘fixed’, especially not with evil magic that will
get
you killed
.”

“There’s not telling whether it’s
evil or not.”  He argued, but he sounded like he knew he was losing this
argument.  “I think evil is as evil does.”

“
There’s a huge fucking spider
thing guarding it, Uriah!” 
She pointed across the cavern.  “Generally
speaking, where giant mutant spiders lurk, there’s probably not a whole lot of
good things there!”

“You’re worried about me and it’s
influencing your decision here.”  He decided after a moment.  “But I will be
fine. 
You do
not
have to sacrifice anything for me.  I swear to you, I can
do this.”

“Even if it
wasn’t
going to
get you killed, I’d still vote against this, ‘Rai!”  She shook her head.  “I
don’t trust magic and I don’t want you to do this!  I watched my mother use
dark magic to do all kinds of horrible things and I know what it can do.  I
know the cost it has and the damage it does.”  She grabbed him by the front of
his coat.  “Don’t.  Please don’t.”  Her voice broke again and she started to
sob.  “I am
literally
begging you, Uriah.  Please… please don’t do it.” 
She put her face against his chest.  “
Please
.”

He didn’t say anything for a long
moment.  “Okay.”  He whispered hoarsely.  “If you’re sure that’s what you
want.”

“That’s what I want.”  She
instantly agreed.  “I’m more grateful to you for trying than I can ever say…
but this isn’t the way, okay?”

“Whatever you say.”  He pulled her
closer and rested his head on top of hers.  “I’ll do anything for you, you know
that.”

She let out a relieved breath,
resting against him and listening to his heart.  Then she frowned slightly as a
new thought occurred to her.  “’Rai?”

“Yeah?”

“Why hasn’t that sound stopped?”

The weird skittering noises had
continued even after Din had been dragged off to wherever. 

Which wasn’t good.

“Ummm…”  Her partner began.

“Should we run?”  She suggested.

“I think that would probably be
wise, yeah.”  He agreed, grabbing her hand and taking off towards the stairway.

The giant spider bellowed from
somewhere, reappearing on the scene with the sound of breaking glass, angry as
ever.  Its roar was followed by a weird “Fwoosh” sound, which Ransom couldn’t
identify.

“
And
it shoots fire.”  Uriah
added, keeping her up to date.  “Sure.  Why not.”

The fire hit somewhere nearby,
close enough that she could feel the heat on her face and smell the strangely foul
and acidic smoke it created.  “I’m starting to get really jealous that I didn’t
make one of those to brutalize
my
enemies back when I was crazy.”

“Well, maybe we can adopt this
one.”  He offered, pulling her through the icy basement which connected to the
cavern.  “Dinner would love to have a big brother, I bet.”

They hit the stairs and Uriah
all-but carried her up the stairway, the heat of the fire and the furious
bellows of rage from the creature close on their heels.  The monster itself was
far too big to fit through the narrow passage, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t
find some other way up to them.

It crashed into the supports at the
bottom of the stairwell, causing a collapse.  The entire room rumbled behind
them as they reached the top of the stairs, just as the ceiling buckled behind
them.

Uriah immediately started to
barricade the heavy doors, just in case.  “We need to find the Swab and get out
of here as quickly as possible.”  He urged.  “As it is, I think we’re lucky to
be alive.”

“Sadly, as ever, your luck runs out
at the
worst
possible times, cap’n.”  Someone said from behind them.

Uriah stopped trying to bar the
door and he let out a tired sigh.  “Should have guessed you’d somehow be
involved, Marston.”  He turned to face the man.  “This city is crawling with
millions of other rats and little insects, so of course you’d be here.”

“Technically, I think the evil
spiders are ‘arachnids.’”  Ransom corrected.  “So, they’re…”

“...still one step above this
asshole.”  Uriah finished for her.

“I don’t think you understand this
situation, Uriah.”  The man continued.  “You see, my new friends the Adithians
and I?  We’re going to steal everything you’ve got.”

“His sword
and
his coat?” 
Ransom cried with mock horror.  “Say it ain’t so!”

“The Adithians?  They’re mainly
here to torture the blind bitch to death.  It’s a family thing I don’t entirely
understand.”  Marston explained.  “But I’m here because I…”

Uriah cut him off.  “He is an
unbelievable
prat, isn’t he?”  He asked her, as if the man wasn’t even there.

“I was going to say that.”  She
nodded.  “But he’s your friend, so I didn’t know if that aspect of his
personality somehow got charming once you got to know him.”

“Once you get to know him, you
really just want to see him…”

“I hate it when you fucking do
that!”  Marston shouted, cutting them off.  “You always did that!  You just
talked right over me like…”

“You’ll have to excuse my
ex-quartermaster, Dove.”  Uriah interrupted the man again.  “He has
persecutorial delusions.”

“I’ll
make
you listen to me,
you egomaniacal bastard!”  Marston growled.

“Short of some kind of mesmerism, I
seriously doubt that.”  Uriah dismissed.  “Generally speaking, the Grizzwood
folk aren’t what one might call ‘biddable.’”

Marston didn’t sound like he liked
that response.  “One day, someone is going to surgically remove that thesaurus
from up your ass, Uriah.”

Uriah heaved another long-suffering
sigh.  “Why are people always trying to kill me, Dove?”

“Because
NOBODY LIKES PIRATES,
you ass!” 
Marston screamed at him in exasperation, as if the answer were
obvious.  “Everyone hates pirates!  They’re supposed to!  We’re the fucking
bad
guys
, that’s why!”

“That’s fair.”  Ransom decided
after a moment.  “I think the facts support that read.”

“How about him?”  Uriah asked her
calmly.  “Can I go ‘Red Flag’ on him?  Or do I need to engineer some kind of
‘giant spider attack’ again, like you demanded for Din?  Because that’s going
to be difficult.  And, from a strictly personal standpoint,” his voice dropped
several octaves and sounded like a growl of pure rage, “
I think I’m looking
at the deadest motherfucker I ever saw
.”

“Take him.”  She ordered simply. 
“What do I care?  I’m over it.  I don’t even remember his name.”

Marston backpedaled out the doors
to the huge room and Uriah stalked after him.

“You know,” Uriah told the man
conversationally, “it’s not the betrayal that pissed me off the most.  Or the whole
‘trying to kill me’ thing, because everyone makes an attempt at that now and
then.”  He pulled his sword, the familiar sound of the metal cutting through
the air.  “It’s the fact that you…”

His words were off by a loud noise,
followed by the sound of him sliding backwards across the floor, apparently
struck by something very heavy and very powerful.

“Hey, sis.”  Csejte, the Adithians’
deathless warrior, said from the entrance of the room.  “Miss me?”

Uriah pulled himself back to his
feet.  He hadn’t been expecting the Gardener captain to be lurking on the other
side of the doorway.  In fact, he hadn’t really expected the guy to live
through their previous encounter at all.  The last time Uriah had seen him, he
was crushed under a very heavy trunk.

Uriah backpedaled as the men
advanced.  “Any ideas?”  He asked his partner.

She shrugged.  “Just the one I usually
suggest: kill them all, steal the gold.”  She shook her head.  “I know it lacks
Maggie’s poetic flair, but…”

His mouth hung open in amazement. 
“Actually, she said that exact thing.  Quite often.”

“You thought you could hide from
our glorious Empress, traitor?”  The huge man growled at Ransom.  “Our mother
will feast upon your heart.  Because you are made of nothing but that which you
have stolen from her!  You are trying to outshine the sun, you foolish girl!  You
looked too long at her brilliance and have ended up blinded in the attempt. 
For…”

“Oh, hurray.”  Ransom deadpanned,
interrupting him.  “More existential bullshit.”  She made a groan.  “Growing
up, ‘Rai?  There was just pages and pages of this crap.  Even in my fucking
birthday
cards
.  Do you have any idea how annoying that is?”

“I am merely speaking the words of
our proud Empress!”  The gardener cried, obviously feeling insulted.  “You
spent years serving her glory, before you overstepped your place and struck
down the traitor Karen!”

“The way I see it, Uriah,” Marston
thought aloud, “you’ve
once again
gotten yourself into a fight you can’t
possibly win.”  He smiled, amused by the situation.  “So why don’t you just do
us all a favor and surrender, huh?  The Adithians don’t want you.  They want
the blind lady.  She’s one of them.”  Marston pointed at him.  “But you’re one
of
us
.  A pirate.  And I’m sure I can find a place for you on one of the
ships in my fleet.”   

Uriah’s eyes narrowed, his rage
building.  “Him?”  He pointed at the Gardener.  “Him, I merely hate.  You?”  He
gestured at Marston.  “You hurt the Keeper of my Heart, Marston.  It’s now a
moral and religious
obligation
that I watch you die in excruciating
pain.”  He shook his head.  “No matter what happens, you’re not walking out of
here.”

Marston let out a bark of
laughter.  “There are two of us!”  He reminded Uriah.  “You’re good, my friend,
but not that good.”

The men advanced on him, but Uriah
held his ground.

Technically speaking, Marston was
probably right about that.  Uriah was skilled at fighting multiple opponents,
but not when one of them had the ability with a sword that the Gardener captain
possessed.  It had taken Uriah’s full attention to best the man the last time
and even then it had been close.  Add in the fact that he was also basically
unkillable, and it was pretty much a losing battle for Uriah if the men fought together
against him.

He cleared his throat.  “My people
believe in fights to the death between
men
, Gardener.”  Uriah challenged,
addressing the captain.  “But if you need some
Outsider
to help you
finally beat me, I completely understand.”  He shrugged.  “Hell, I’ve already
bested you twice before, so it only makes sense that you’d need another man’s
assistance now.”

The Gardener captain considered
that for a moment, his brow furrowing.

Pride.  It was the one Adithian
weakness.

Marston struck out with his sword,
which Uriah blocked.

“Stop!”  The Gardener captain
commanded, grabbing Marston and all but throwing him back.  He knocked the
blade from the other man’s hand.  “The pirate is
mine.
”

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” 
Marston yelled in disbelief, trying to get around the man and continue his
fight with Uriah.  “He’s just trying to separate us!  Can’t you see that!?! 
He’s playing some stupid little mind game!  That fucking
blind chick
could see this!”

“I see that he struck me.  And no
man has struck me and lived to tell of it.”  The Gardener growled, putting
himself between them, glaring at Marston.  “That is all I care about.”

Uriah frowned and he looked down at
the sword in his hand, as a new idea occurred to him.

“If you interfere in this, I will
wear your skin as a coat, Outsider.”  The huge Adithian man growled at Marston. 
“This is a matter of
honor
, between warriors.  There is an unspoken
code.  And I will…”

The Gardener’s words stopped short
as Uriah calmly cut the man’s head off from behind while he was distracted. 
“Yeah,
don’t
turn your back on a pirate, asshole.”

“Holy shit!”  Marston staggered
back in surprise, obviously not expecting someone to cheat quite so blatantly. 
“That… that…”

“Never challenge a Grizzwoodian of
the criminal class to a contest of who can sink the lowest, Marston.”  Uriah
prowled towards him.  “We’re better at it than you.”

Marston couldn’t win a swordfight
and he obviously knew it.  He’d served on Uriah’s crew for years and had seen
the kinds of things Uriah could do, even before he’d dedicated himself to
mastering the blade. 

Uriah would quickly disarm him. 
Literally.

“I see no reason to play your game,
Uriah.”  The man decided.  “Personally, I’d rather beat you to death with my
bare
hands
.”  His former quartermaster didn’t bother to try to grab his sword
which the Gardener had knocked from his hand earlier.  Instead, he took on a
fighting stance.  “Let’s settle this like
men
.”

“Yeah.  We could do that.”  Uriah
swept out his blade and ran the man through, putting it straight through
Marston’s gut.  “But settling it like pirates is more
fun
.” 

Marston gasped and staggered back
several steps, a look of shock and betrayal passing over his face.

“It’s the
unfairness
of it
that’s the worst, isn’t it?”  Uriah agreed.  “The way I cheated to win.  And
the way you can’t do anything about it now.”  He pointed at his own eyes. 
“Right here.  I warned you once that I was a dangerous man to disagree with,
Marston.  Remember?  Well,
that’s
why.”  He pushed the man to the ground
and then spat in his face.  “Rot in whichever hell will take you, you son of
bitch.”

He calmly watched the man die, then
yanked his sword free.

He let out a long breath, feeling
like he’d been holding it for a while.  “Ah, the bloody catharsis of revenge.”

“That was the most deplorable and
dishonorable thing you could have
possibly
done right there, Uriah.” 
Ransom told him unemotionally.  “You broke every rule of civilized combat and
cut down two men before they could defend themselves.”

He nodded.  “Yep.”

“I’m not going to lie,” she paused
for a beat, “I’m kind of turned on right now.”

“It’s weird, isn’t it?”  He
shrugged helplessly.  “I know exactly that feeling, I expected to be way more
disgusted by your stories of past atrocities.  But in the end, not so much.” 
His eyes drifted to the headless Gardener.  “Sorry I killed your brother.”  He
cleared his throat.  “Are you going to get upset over that?”

“Yes, Uriah.  We were obviously
very close.”  She deadpanned sarcastically, then she shook her head.  “No.  No,
you dope.  I’m not upset.  More like ‘jealous.’”  She raised one finger to make
a point.  “I reserve the right to kill one of
yours
though, just so we
share the fun.”

“Deal.  Take your pick.  I’ve
always thought I had too many anyway.”  Uriah put his sword away and made a
face at her.  “And just where were you on that one, huh?”  He leaned against
the wall next to her.  “Is there some reason why I had to take them both out by
myself?”

She shrugged.  “You had it.”  She
sounded entirely unconcerned.  “I had
my own
stuff to do.”

“Which was?”

She smiled at him like that was a
joke.  “I’ll show you later.”

“I just think that maybe you could
have helped me a little, since it was your brother and all.”

“It was my plan!”  She argued.  “I
told you on Adithia to chop his fucking head off!  But you and Ryle just played
another round of ‘Ignore the Blind Girl’ and wasted time stabbing him.”

Uriah made a face at her, then
paused.  “He
is
actually dead this time, right?”  His eyes cut over to
the man in question.  “Because I’m sick of him popping back up.”

“Well, if he does, at least he’ll
be shorter.”  She said dryly.  “Besides, I think you got him th…”

She trailed off as a new sound
filled the room.  At first, Uriah assumed it was the Gardener captain somehow
rising once more, but then he realized it was something far worse.

Marching.  A lot of people marching
up the path to the building where Uriah and Ransom were standing.

“Crap.”  They said at the same
time.

“Count?”  He asked her, looking
around desperately for somewhere to run.

She tilted her head to the side,
listening to the sound and silently estimating the number of people marching. 
“Um… fifty to a hundred, maybe?”

“Which is it?”  He snapped.  “Fifty
or a hundred?”

“I have no idea!”  She yelled at
him.  “I’m not a psychic, ‘Rai!”  She pointed at the door.  “Wanna go stick
your head out there and ask them!?!”

He dashed towards the entrance and
pushed the huge wood and iron doors shut again, taking a second to look out at
their attackers.  “I think we’re closer to the high end of that estimate,
Dove.”  He said weakly.

“Shiiiiiiiit.”  She drew out.  “I
hate it when I’m right.”

Sadly, he’d broken the lock earlier
in order to gain entry to the building in the first place, so now there was no
way to secure it.

He quickly started barricading it
with the sturdiest things he could find.  “You need to get out of here!”  He
ordered, adding a thick slab of wood to the makeshift lock.  “Now!”

“
And go where?
”  She scoffed
at the suggestion.  “Everything I’d want to live for is in this room right now
anyway.”  She crossed her arms over her chest.  “Frankly, I’m
insulted
that you’d even suggest it.  You and I have come a long way together, Uriah. 
And if this is how our journey ends, I wouldn’t change one second of it.”

“Really?”  He started wrapping a
chain around and around the door handles.  “Because I probably would have
waited to follow the
next
treasure map which fell into our lap.  This
one didn’t really end up well for us.”  He secured the chains with a rusty
lock, recognizing that it wouldn’t hold for long.  “Oh, and I
totally
would have had fucked your brains out when you offered, because it retrospect,
my reasoning on that was just the stupidest goddamned thing in the world. 
Dammit, I’m a fool.”

She smirked at him.  “Told you.”

“You were right.  Just like
always.”  He admitted.  “I was holding out for the perfect moment with you, but
I overlooked that
any
moment is perfect when you’re there.”

“That is a really beautiful
sentiment.  Now let’s kill these guys so you can rip my clothes off, okay?”

“Sounds like a plan.”  He swore at
himself.  “I wish your asshole brother hadn’t broken my other sword.”  Uriah
glared at the man.  “I could really use it right now.  And his weapon sucks, so
I can’t even grab that one.”

“You’re in an armory, you idiot.” 
Ransom chastised, gesturing to their surroundings.  “
Pick one
.”

“I hate Adithian weapons, Dove.” 
He reminded her.

“You’re looking for one that’s
silver.”  She held up her hands to drive the point home.  “Like
really
silver. 
Way more so than usual.  It’ll look almost white.”

He scanned the various piles of
treasure and rubble, looking for something like that.  “Not seeing anything…”  He
paused, then ran over to yank a sword from under a shattered display stand. 
“Wait… I think I got it.”  He hefted the weapon.  “It’s light.”  He twirled it
around in his hand, the blade cutting through the air and making a satisfying
“whoosh” sound.  “What’s it made of?”

“It’s Adithian.  Sharpest and
strongest thing around.”

He twirled the blade again.  “I
like.”

“I thought you might.”  She gave
the barest hint of a smile.  “It’s a legendary blade of my people.”

He tilted the blade in the light,
looking at the strange runes and symbols etched into its surface.  “What does
the engraving mean?”

“’When I speak, all fall silent.’”

He looked up at her in surprise. 
“Does it really say that?”

“As far as
you’ll
ever
know.”  She teased.  “How the fuck should I know what it says?  I can’t see it
and I don’t speaking fucking ‘rune’ even if I could.  And…”

The men outside started to pound on
the doors in an attempt to break inside.

Uriah turned to glance at the collapsed
entrance to the underground cavern, where the giant spider lurked.

They were completely trapped.

He swore softly to himself, the
situation finally sinking in.

They weren’t going to make it.

He held out the Adithian sword for
her.  “Here.  Make it count.”

She shook her head.  “I was never
any good with a sword.  Not really.”

The pounding on the door got
louder, and Uriah found himself transfixed by the hints of shadowy forms
visible through broken wood.  It wouldn’t be long before the Adithians and
Marston’s men broke through the barricade.  And then it was all over.

He simply watched them, deep in
thought.

Ransom began to pace back and forth
behind him.  “Come on!  We can think of something, right?”  She snapped her
fingers.  “What about the Swab?”

“He’s probably already dead.”  His
voice sounded so far away for some reason.  “And even if he wasn’t, he’d only
get kidnapped immediately anyway.”