Nobody Knows (14 page)

Chapter Eighteen

Gillian

By the time I got home I had calmed down. Well, as much as anybody who had just had their life packed into boxes by their husband and been evicted from their own bedroom could. I knew Joel was going through something and had been for quite some time, but I didn’t care anymore. I know that’s a horrible thing to say about your husband, but in all honesty that was the only emotion I could muster towards him. For months I had played the supportive wife. I hadn’t complained when he fell into bed, drunk beyond words and reeking of cigarette smoke in the early hours of the morning. I’d stopped asking if he would be home in time for dinner. I’d even passed the point of trying to make him feel guilty about missing our lives. To me, it seemed that Joel had long ago forgotten those words we’d exchanged when we’d made our wedding vows. I’d stood by him when no one else had. But enough was enough. My girls needed me and they deserved a better life than this one.

It’s funny, I never would have thought of packing my things and moving out. Despite all our problems, it just never occurred to me. But once Joel had made the first move, once my life was in boxes, I realized I didn’t want to go back into that room. It was the last place I wanted to be. And with that I raced into the laundry, threw on my old gardening clothes, and got to work.

Within an hour all my boxes were out of what would now be known as Joel’s bedroom. My stuff was neatly packed away in the guest bedroom. My pillows on the bed, my toothbrush in the holder next to Bianca’s and Charli’s, and my perfume stashed on the highest shelf in the cupboard out of reach of little princesses. My clothes, the ones Joel had decided not to shred or destroy, now hung neatly in the closet. Honestly, I thought it would hurt more than it did. I’ll admit I was completely shell shocked that I didn’t feel a thing. It was like, in some strange way, I knew this was the best thing for me. Separation. Being Alone. Now I just hoped that I could stop being scared.

Stepping back and looking at my handiwork, I wiped the sweat from my brow. Suddenly I felt okay again, as if it was over. I wasn’t stupid enough to think that he would never come home and we could just be happy here without him. But even something as simple as moving down the hall seemed like an enormous achievement. At least for now. I would just have to wait and see what happened from here.

My back ached and I was exhausted, but a mum didn’t get a choice. Jobs had to be done. And if you couldn’t rely on anyone else to do them that just meant you had to do them yourself. So I did. Every day. I did whatever it was that needed to be done. I dragged my weary body into the laundry and threw in yet another load of washing. It was a never-ending mountain. Sorting through it I found Joel’s underwear buried amongst our clothes. Socks and jocks, probably a week’s worth. No doubt he would have found them as he cleaned me out of his life. They would have been hidden behind the bedside tables, under the bed or wherever they landed as he kicked them off.

I stared at them amongst the pile. It was like they were taunting me. If I washed them, would he expect it to continue like he always had? Was he naïve enough to believe that he could cut me out of his life where I no longer fit, but when it came to being his house bitch, I would still do?

Storming out of the laundry, I hadn’t resolved anything. In the end it had just been too hard a day. I’d deal with that later or tomorrow. Or when I felt like it. Suddenly I was a wreck. I curled up on the sofa and sobbed to myself. Things had been bad before. The bruises and scratches had hurt, but this was worse. And what was I supposed to tell our son? I didn’t want him thinking this is what a family was. My kids would not grow up thinking this was normal. Hugging a pillow tightly to my chest, I let my hands rest on my stomach and spent the next hour talking to my baby boy. Not yet born, still my confidant.

Sometime in the afternoon I must have fallen asleep because the vibrating of my mobile phone woke me with a start. “Shit,” I exclaimed, wiping the drool from the corners of my mouth and attempting to tame my hair.

“Good afternoon. Is this Mrs. Matthews?” a pleasant woman asked politely.

“Yes, this is Gillian,” I replied, confused.

“This is Audrey Anderson, Bianca’s teacher.” I felt myself gulp, wondering what was wrong. I was ashamed at myself for instantly assuming the worst. “It’s just that neither you nor your husband have picked the girls up this afternoon.” Instantly I was humiliated. I had never before forgotten to get the girls, but today I had just slept through it.

“Oh my god! I am so sorry. I’m leaving right now. I’ll be there in ten minutes.” I slid into my sandals and grabbed my handbag from the chair.

“No troubles. We’ll wait for you. See you soon.” She hung up.

I cursed myself all the way to the school. By the time I pulled into the parking lot I had never felt worse. I must be the worst mother in the world. Who forgets their kids? Seriously?

By the time I leapt from the car and headed towards the picnic table in the sun where they were seated quietly, I had managed to completely destroy myself. I would never forgive myself for this.

“Again, I’m so sorry,” I apologized, reaching the table. I had read somewhere a long time ago that said the more times you apologize the less meaning it has, but I couldn’t stop myself. The words just kept tumbling out of my mouth.

“Don’t worry about it. There were a few other kids whose parents were running a little late today.” She smiled. In that moment I hated her. She was judging me. And if she wasn’t, I definitely was. I was a bad mum. I walked over to the girls and noticed they were already doing their homework. Charli’s homework sheet was already half completed and I hadn’t even read the questions yet. I felt like a failure, and the flame-haired beauty in the sundress and the wide brimmed straw hat wasn’t helping at all, no matter how much she pretended to be.

“Hi girls, sorry Mummy’s late,” I found myself saying yet again. “Come on, pack your things away and we’ll go home,” I began as I roughly started shoving Bianca’s colored pencils back into her pink pencil case.

“I called your husband but I couldn’t reach him. I left a message, so you may want to call him and let him know that you have your daughters so he doesn’t worry,” she offered softly.

Holy Fuck!
were the only words racing through my brain. Fuck! Joel knew that I was a crappy mother. Yet another example of my failures. It seemed that I was just feeding him ammunition these days. It was something I would have preferred to hide from him right at that moment. “Thanks, I’ll get in touch with him,” was all I managed to mumble through the forced smile.

“Bye Bianca, bye Charli.” Ms. Anderson waved as I tossed both their backpacks over my shoulder and shooed them into the car.

I was halfway home before anyone spoke. On a normal day I would pick the girls up and the whole way home they would talk incessantly, telling me about their friends, the teacher spilling coffee on her dress, the smelly boy at the back of the class causing trouble, and anything else that remotely caught their interest. But today there was just a silence. Deafening. Painful.

“What happened at school today?” I encouraged as I stopped at the traffic lights.

“Nothing,” they murmured in unison.

Straight away I knew something was definitely up. Glancing in the rearview mirror I saw two very despondent little girls. Gone were my chirpy angels and in their place was two let down daughters. Cutting through two lanes of traffic, horns being beeped at me furiously, I turned the corner and pulled over. Once we were parked, I switched the ignition off and turned to face them.

“Come on, girls, what’s wrong? I know something happened, so why are you sad? I know I was late and I’m very sorry about that.”

“Don’t you love us anymore?” Bianca asked bluntly.

Stunned, my mouth dropped open and I stared at them blankly. “Of course I love you. Very, very much. I don’t want you to ever think that I don’t,” I attempted to reassure them.

“Then why didn’t you come and get us?” Charli queried. She was a smart girl, and explaining was always painful with her. There was no point trying to lie or even dodge the question. She would call me on it every time.

“Do you remember when I told you that I was going to have another baby? That you were going to have a younger brother or sister?” I watched as they nodded, slightly confused. “Mummy was very tired this afternoon and accidentally fell asleep on the lounge. It wasn’t that I forgot you, it’s just I took a nap and forgot to set an alarm.” After a brief pause and a shared glance between them, Bianca smiled happily.

“You’re silly, Mummy,” Bianca said. I reached out and squeezed her hand. It was a simple explanation, but it was an honest one.

“Why do we have to have a brother?” Charli sulked, crossing her arms pointedly. “Boys smell.”

I threw my head back and chuckled. I hadn’t laughed like that in a while and it felt good. “You’re right. Boys do smell.” I couldn’t lie to her. “But having a brother won’t be such a bad thing. You just wait and see,” I promised.

Although I knew I hadn’t been late on purpose, I still felt like I had let them down. And as much as I knew that giving in to those feelings would just create bad habits, at that moment I didn’t care. Things weren’t good at home. That was a sad reality. Even I wasn’t keen on going home. “So, who wants to go visit Aunty Rhiannon?” I offered, watching as their innocent faces lit up. The thought of going to Rhiannon’s instead of home made me smile too.

I hadn’t realized just how much I was dreading going home until I turned back around, fastened my seatbelt and pulled out into the traffic heading back into the city. I found myself ashamed that I didn’t want to face it. I knew I would have to at some point, but there was nothing saying that I couldn’t delay it for a while.

Moments later the three of us were squished in an elevator with a man who had bigger boobs than mine and who smelt like a strange combination of garlic and sawdust. Bianca had her fingers pinched on her nose and Charli looked like she was about to ask something terrible, when thankfully the elevator jolted with a ping and the doors opened. Quickly we jumped out and dashed down the hallway to Rhiannon’s. I didn’t even get the chance to knock. By the time I reached the opening, the girls were giggling so loudly that Rhiannon had opened the door to find out what all the noise was about and Charli almost fell through the door in hysterics. By the time I joined them, all three were squirming on the carpet in front of me in fits of laughter as Charli attempted to describe Mr. Garlic and Sawdust.

“Hey.” I smiled, reaching down and pulling her up off the floor.

“Thanks,” Rhiannon puffed, brushing at her clothes. “Hey girls, do you want to watch some TV?” she offered hopefully. Rhiannon’s apartment wasn’t exactly child friendly, but she still tried and the girls loved her for it.

“Can we watch music?” Bianca asked hopefully as her eyes lit up. My baby girl’s latest obsession was Beyoncé. The songs were constantly on repeat. But it had become more than that. Lately we had started to get personal re-enactments and dance moves.

Rhiannon looked at me, I shrugged, and moments later the top forty was blaring from the lounge room. “Wine?” she offered.

Normally I would never drink if had to drive the girls, but tonight I needed it. “Absolutely!” Just the thought of it made me feel confident and inspired and I had yet to have a taste.

I watched in silence as Rhiannon darted about the kitchen, pulling out stunning crystal wine glasses, uncorking the bottle, and pouring. She made it all look so grown up and easy. She didn’t pause once to stop and argue or trip over toys left on the kitchen floor. She handed me my glass and watched with anticipation as I took a sip. As soon as I placed the glass on the counter she pounced. “So, what’s up?”

“Nothing,” I lied and she knew it.

“Gillian?”

Gulping down a few more mouthfuls of courage, I looked up to see Rhiannon staring at me with intense, scrutinizing eyes. “What’s the bastard done now?”

“He kicked me out.”

As soon as I admitted it I knew I was in trouble. Once the words were out there, I could never take them back. Rhiannon dropped her glass on the floor with a smash. Glass and wine went everywhere. I raced around, grabbing the tea towel and mopping up the spill. I’d had a lot of practice with spills and breakages.

Suddenly Rhiannon reached out and grabbed my wrist, stopping me dead in my tracks. “I need to get this wine up before it stains the cabinets,” I replied to her silent question.

“Fuck the cabinets!” she announced, dropping my wrist and striding into the lounge room. “Girls, do you want to stay here for tea? How about I cook a big bowl of spaghetti for dinner, then you can watch a movie?”

“Yeah!” Bianca said happily.

“Can we, Mum?” Charli called out.

Straining to hold back tears as I furiously scrubbed at the floor, I said, “Sure, honey, if it’s okay with Rhiannon.”

“You girls stay in here while I organize us some dinner. I’ll come get you when it’s ready.” She hugged them both tightly. Moments later she marched purposefully back into the kitchen without a word. Before I knew what was happening, Rhiannon had downed two shots of vodka and popped the cork on another bottle of wine. I was the one who had been kicked out of my bedroom and my marriage, yet Rhiannon was downing shots faster than I could count.