No Way Home (30 page)

“I hope so,” Jordan shouted. “I hope it keeps him awake nights.”

“And what about Tyler? What about him? He’s the one who killed her. Why are you harping on Grayson?” She was shaking with anger.

Jordan struggled to control himself. He knew it was Tyler that he should be raging against. But the thought of Grayson abandoning Michele at the very moment when she needed him the most was like a white-hot poker in his gut. When she could not call on her father, either of her fathers, for help. The thought that he had done that, and then kept it from his mother, let her go on wondering and suffering…Don’t make it worse for her, he told himself. Don’t remind her of all this. He held his fury in and tried to concentrate on Lillie.

“I’m sorry,” he said. He could not keep the bitterness out of his voice. “You’ve been to hell and back again.”

“I’m still there,” she said.

Jordan studied her, pained by how frail she looked to him. He wondered how much she could take. It was bad enough to lose your child. But now she had to deal with the news that her own son was involved, that her husband and her son had lied to her over and over. And he knew her well enough to know that somehow she would manage to blame herself. His own rage seemed like self-indulgence almost, when he considered the situation she was in. She wanted revenge on her daughter’s killer. What mother wouldn’t? But bringing Tyler to justice would mean exposing Pink and Grayson to public scorn and probably to imprisonment. It meant destroying what was left of her life. As hard as he tried, he could not put himself in her shoes. In his opinion, hell was too good for the lot of them who had been involved in his daughter’s murder and their miserable little cover-up. But he could see by the look in Lillie’s eyes that it was tearing her apart. He wanted to reach out and envelop her, protect her, but instead he said quietly, “What are you going to do now?”

Lillie looked at him in surprise. “What do you mean?” she asked. “It’s more like what you’re going to do, isn’t it? I mean, that’s the question here. I was just about to ask you for some more time.”

“I’m going to honor your wishes,” he said.

Lillie looked at him in disbelief. “Why?” she said. “Why would you leave it to me?”

Jordan sighed. “Lillie, I won’t lie to you. I’d like to have Tyler hunted down and locked up and throw away the key. And if he got killed in some prison, I doubt I’d lose a minute’s sleep. Just because he’s the sheriff’s son doesn’t mean he deserves any special treatment. If that were true, there’d be a whole new class of criminals—law enforcement officers’ children. No, maybe I’m cold-hearted, but that’s how I feel. He killed my daughter. I want to see him punished. That’s all that matters to me.”

Lillie listened to him without protesting, her face tight and pale.

“But,” he went on, “I also know that if Tyler goes to trial, so do Pink and Grayson. This whole mess will come out, and they could go to jail themselves. They covered up a felony, if nothing else. And I’d be lying to you if I said that I cared about them either. In my eyes, it would serve them both right.”

The rational part of her listened and knew he was not being unfair. But her heart could not stand it, and hated him for saying it and making her feel as if she were guilty too.

Jordan took her hand in his and held it very tightly. “Lillie,” he said, “if it were up to me, I’d say turn your back on them. They don’t deserve you. Come home with me. Not that I deserve you either.”

He looked boldly at her, glad he’d said it. Lillie stared back at him, shock and wariness in her eyes.

“But it’s not really up to me,” he said. “It’s your life. It’s your family. Only you can decide. I’ll abide by your decision.”

For one minute there was silence between them and he hoped against hope, and then her eyes filled with tears and she said exactly what he was afraid she would say. “Thank you, Jordan. I can never thank you enough.”

He patted her hand awkwardly, then let it go. Lillie kneaded her hand absently, as if the circulation in it had been halted by his grip. “This has been a total nightmare,” she said, wiping her eyes quickly. “Believe it or not, part of me wants to do exactly what you said. Make sure that Tyler is caught and punished, and damn the consequences for all of us. Believe me, there is an anger in me that is so deep. Sometimes when I think of all the lies, the secrets, that Pink and Grayson…well, I can hardly breathe.

“But then I think, this is my family. This is everything I have in this world—my husband, my son. For as long as I can remember, they are all I’ve cared for. Them. And Michele. I know this probably sounds selfish to you, but they are my life. I mean, I have a million memories of each of them. It seems like it was only a moment ago that Grayson was toddling to me, and Pink behind him, urging him on. And I think of that and I think of all the ways I really did let them down at times. I mean, I was so preoccupied with Michele’s illness. I know I neglected them both, so many times. And then I went into business with Brenda, even though Pink didn’t want me to. And I knew it. But I just went ahead. I wasn’t there for them the way I should have been. And I keep thinking that if they didn’t trust me with the truth, maybe there was a good reason. Maybe they deserved better than they got from me. Maybe I’m the one who should be asking for another chance.”

I doubt it, Jordan thought angrily. But he kept his anger to himself. ‘This kind of secret will be a terrible burden to live with,” he said at last.

Lillie nodded. “I know,” she said. “And it’s unfair for you to have to live with it for our sakes. I know that, Jordan. I wouldn’t have asked that of anyone. You don’t know how grateful I am.”

“Well, I’ll be back in New York,” he said. “I won’t have to look at them every day and be reminded like you will.” His words came out sounding exactly as cold as his heart felt.

Lillie did not protest. “I’ll never forget this, Jordan.”

“That’s all right,” he said, as casually as he could. “I owed you one.”

They sat in awkward silence for a few moments, and then Jordan said, “I’ll tell you something strange that I learned about Tyler while I was at the Sentinel.”

“What’s that?” Lillie asked.

“Well, our daughter may have been there that night to try to get next to Tyler,” he said, and Lillie did not flinch at his use of the words “our daughter,” “but Tyler was there because of Grayson.”

“What do you mean?” Lillie asked.

Jordan fished around in his jacket pocket and pulled out the photo he had found in Tyler’s desk. “It seems that Tyler had a mad crush on Grayson. He had Grayson’s picture taped in his footlocker and I found this one in his desk.” He handed the picture to her. “His roommate told me he used to moon over this.”

Lillie studied the creased photograph in amazement. “My God. I’m sure Grayson had no idea.”

Jordan nodded. But he was not so sure. He doubted if Grayson missed very many signals, but he was not going to say so to Lillie. His dislike for the boy was now akin to hatred, and carved in stone, but he could not expect her to see it his way. She was his mother.

Jordan could not stop thinking of Michele. Not for one minute did he believe that Grayson had tried to help her, or put on her shirt. He had run like a coward and left her there. Period. But Lillie believed his story because she needed to. If he tried to make her see Grayson for the self-centered little prick he was, she would hate him for it.

Lillie shivered and noticed for the first time how the light was fading from the sky. “Well,” she said. “I guess I had better be getting home.”

Jordan loathed the sound of those words, but he only nodded. He scrambled up and offered her his hand. She took it and rose to her feet.

“What are you going to do?” she asked.

“Stop and see my mother,” he said. “Then head back. Maybe I can get a flight out of Nashville tonight. I’m taping tomorrow morning.”

Lillie nodded. She was trembling—from the cold, he suspected—and he went to put his arm around her but he stopped himself. There was no use in pretending that she still needed him. The ties between them would be severed after this day. From now on he would only be an uncomfortable reminder of something that she would be trying to put into the past and out of her mind.

“I’ll walk you to your car,” he said.

“Jordan,” she said, and then she pressed her lips together and looked away from him across the lake. “Don’t hate me for this.”

“Never,” he said. “Don’t hate yourself. Come on. Let’s go.”

LILLIE’S STOMACH WAS CHURNING
as-she pulled into the driveway of her house. She sat in the car, trying to compose herself, and looked out at her home. She had not liked the house that much when they bought it, but at the time she was much more concerned about Michele’s illness, and Pink had insisted it was a good deal, so she had agreed to it without deliberation. She did not have time to go house-hunting for a dream cottage. She had just accepted it. But over time she had done her best to fill it with comfort and make it inviting. Everywhere she looked was the evidence of her labor, her life. The shrubs she had planted framed the walk and her grandmother’s rocker sat on the front porch. The curtains she had sewn softened the windows. Through the years she had made a home.

Lillie got out of the car, approached the front door, and hesitated. She felt as if once she walked in, there would be no turning back. She would join the betrayal of her little girl in order to protect what was left of their lives together. She had never felt more like turning and running. She could not dismiss or pretend she had misunderstood what Jordan had said to her. After all these years, after all that had happened, he still had feelings for her. The irony of it was almost painful. So many times she had pictured him saying just such words to her, and she had imagined herself scorning him. Then at night, her dreams would betray her and she would dream of the same scene, and instead of mocking him, she would accept him passionately. But it all seemed so unimportant now. When he had finally declared himself to her, all she could think of was her family and how grateful she would be to have another chance. He could not be expected to understand. He had walked out on his own family without a backward glance, and to him it probably seemed simple. She knew, even as she tried to explain it to him, that she could never make him fathom it. But now that she had denied him and made her choice, she felt lonelier than she ever had in her life. Go ahead, she thought. No looking back. She reached for the doorknob, took a deep breath, eased the door open, and went inside.

Pink was sitting in his chair, holding a glass. He was staring at the TV, although the set was not turned on. Lillie could tell that he’d had a few, but he was not yet drunk. When the door opened, his head snapped around and he stared at her. The whites of his eyes were bloodshot, whether from whiskey or tears she could not tell. His florid complexion was unusually bright and she wondered briefly about his blood pressure, worried, by long habit, about him.

“Lillie,” he said hoarsely, “are you back?”

Lillie closed the door behind her. “Hello, Pink.” She hung up her jacket in the closet and walked across the room. Pink followed her with wary eyes. “Is Grayson here?” she asked.

“No.”

“Where is he?”

Pink picked up his glass again. “I don’t know. I went down to the office this morning after I saw you. I just needed to keep busy. Keep my mind occupied. He wasn’t here when I got back. I haven’t seen him all afternoon.”

“I wanted to talk to both of you,” she said.

“Well, you’ll have to settle for me,” Pink said. “That shouldn’t be too hard for you. You’ve done it before.” He saluted her with the whiskey glass.

Lillie ignored the barbed remark. She sat down in the chair opposite him. “I talked to Royce,” she said.

“I heard,” said Pink.

“And I saw Jordan. He’s back from the Sentinel.”

Pink turned suddenly pale. “Great,” he said. “And I suppose you told him all about it.”

“He already knew, Pink. He knew you were the one who warned Tyler. He’d figured most of it out.”

Pink slammed his glass down on the coffee table and rubbed his hands over his face.

“So, that’s it,” he said. “We’re all screwed. You and your lover are going to crucify us.” Pink jumped up out of his chair and his glass tipped over as he jarred the table. “I might have known. This was just the excuse you needed.”

“Pink,” Lillie cried. “Shut up. Listen to me. Nobody is going to crucify anybody.”

“Come on,” Pink said, leaning toward her so that she could smell the bourbon on his breath. “Do you think I’m stupid? Do you think I was born yesterday? What are you up to with him? This is ideal for the two of you. You’re probably enjoying this. You two can tell the world what a bum I am. For trying to protect my boy. Oh, I can just imagine how righteous you’ll be. Lillie’s revenge. For putting up with me all these years. When everybody knows you only married me for my money and to put a roof over your brat’s head!”

Lillie recoiled from him, from the venom in him. She was trembling all over. She forced herself to speak calmly. But her tone was hard and bitter. “I’m sorry you feel that way, Pink. We’ve both had our share of disappointments.”

Pink grimaced, shame and regret mingled in his eyes. He sat down heavily in the chair and covered his face with one hand. “I didn’t mean that about Michele,” he said miserably. “She was the sweetest child in the whole world. My little girl. She thought her daddy was the greatest. All I ever wanted was for you to think that way too.”

Lillie heard the need, the plaintive question in his voice, but she ignored it. “Pink,” she said, “you can calm down. I did not come here to persecute you. I have been trying to tell you that I think that I understand what you did. For whatever reasons, you felt that you couldn’t trust me with the truth—”

“It wasn’t that,” Pink bleated. “I wanted to spare you, Lillie. And I had to think of Grayson. Of his future.”

“Well, believe it or not, I love my son too. I don’t want to hurt him. Or you.”

Pink emitted a sound that was somewhere between a laugh and a sob. “But…” he said, as if prompting her next remark.