No Second Chances (5 page)

Chapter Nine

Gabi - Eleven Years Earlier

Cole Devonport was
walking down the school corridor, directly toward me. I ducked my head, holding my books closer to my chest, and kept going, hoping he’d somehow not notice me.

But as he got closer, I realized he was the one trying not to catch my eye, and despite the way he walked, with his head down and his blond hair hanging over his face, it was impossible not to notice his black eye and split lip.

Before I’d had the chance to think through what I was doing, I’d reached out and caught him by his forearm, pulling him to a stop.

“Hey, Cole. What happened?”

“Gabi,” he said, his gaze flicking to me. “Hey, how are you doing?”

“I’m fine. What happened to you?”

He gave his head a slight shake and glanced away again, his cheeks heating. “I got into a fight with my foster brother. It was stupid.”

“Your foster brother? Does he come to Willowbrook High?”

“Nah, he goes to Blackdown,” he said, mentioning another high school across town. “He’d already been going there for a few years before he moved in with our foster family, so they figured there was no point in moving him.”

“And he did this to you?”

“Would you believe me if I told you he came off worse?”

I could hear a teasing tone to his voice, but I felt like he was using it to cover how he really felt. I couldn’t imagine having to live in a house that didn’t even belong to one of my parents, and then getting in a fight with someone I lived with—a fight so bad it left me with injuries every kid at school would surely notice and be gossiping about.

“Did he?” I asked.

Cole pushed his hair back from his face and grinned. “Nah, not really, but only because I knew I’d end up in more shit than he would. He’s younger and smaller than me, so handing him his ass wouldn’t exactly go down well with the couple who’ve taken me in.”

My eyes widened. “So you let him hit you instead?”

“I don’t know if
let him
is exactly the right way of putting it, but he definitely got in a couple of swings before I managed to pin him down.”

“And why did he want to hit you in the first place?”

“He took some stuff of mine, so I figured it was only fair I took some of his things in return.” He shrugged. “He wasn’t exactly happy about it.”

I wrinkled my nose. “I guess not.”

As we spoke, he gradually lost the slightly defeated atmosphere he’d had as he’d walked down the hall, the cocky attitude returning. Before I knew what was happening, he’d slung his arm around my shoulder and I discovered we were walking side by side down the corridor, him propelling me along.

Other students cast us curious glances as we walked, people stopping chatting at their lockers to raise eyebrows at us. I’d always been someone who was quite happy to be invisible at high school, but all of a sudden I felt a little spark of excitement, of confidence, at walking through school with Cole Devonport’s arm around me. It didn’t mean anything. If anyone else had stopped him, they’d be the one walking with him now, but for the moment I allowed myself to soak in the ounce of stupid pride I felt at Cole paying me attention.

I checked myself.

No, I wasn’t like that. I didn’t need the attention of a boy to make me feel better about myself.

I ducked and slipped out from under his arm. “Actually, Cole, I was kind of headed in the other direction. I have an English Lit class.”

“No problem. Meet me for lunch.”

“Sorry?”

“Lunch. You know, that meal between breakfast and dinner. I’ll meet you on the benches outside the gym.”

“But I’m supposed to—” I started. Only Cole had already turned and walked away. He looked over his shoulder and shouted, “Later!”

My face burned, but a smile tugged at my cheeks. I was supposed to be meeting Taylor and Jasmine for lunch. Was I really considering ditching my friends to eat lunch with a guy? I wasn’t the type of girl to do that, and anyway, I didn’t know how Taylor would react if she found out I ditched her to go and eat lunch with the guy she was crushing on. I’d seen how much she’d loved being around Cole, and she’d been pissed at him for not calling her already. I wasn’t so surprised. Sure, he’d been flirting with her, but guys like him flirted with anyone with a vagina.

No,
I decided.
I won’t go.
It wasn’t as though I’d even be standing him up, as I hadn’t agreed to lunch in the first place. He’d just told me to turn up and expected me to do so.

The idea made me bristle—I didn’t like being told what to do by presumptuous jerks. It would serve him right to be sitting by himself for a few minutes before he clocked onto the fact I wasn’t going to show.

I tried to ignore the dip of disappointment in my stomach at my decision.

The last thing I needed was to get involved with someone like Cole. Besides, he probably only wanted to use me to get more juicy bits of gossip about Taylor or something similar.

Guys like Cole were nothing but trouble.

***

I got home
after school, fully expecting the house to be empty. My dad was working the late shift that week, which made me a latch-key kid. Not that I minded. I was seventeen, and perfectly capable of making my own dinner, and putting myself to bed. Besides, it was sometimes easier when he wasn’t around. At least then I didn’t need to worry about saying the wrong thing or upsetting him in some way. It wasn’t that he was mean or violent—nothing like that—but he had a way of flying off the handle about things I hadn’t even thought were a big deal. I knew what the problem was—I saw all the crushed cans and empty bottles in the trash—but there was no way I’d dare say anything to him. He was the parent and I was the kid. He was the one supposed to be telling me off for behaving badly, especially considering his job. But I knew things had been getting worse recently, and I just wasn’t sure how to approach it. I guessed I’d been hoping things would get better by themselves somehow, that he’d magically grow out of it, but the problem had been going on for years now, and recently his drinking had escalated. I didn’t know if it was because he’d been under more pressure at work, or if it was the idea of me leaving to go to college in the not so distant future, and him being left on his own, but gradually more cans and bottles had started to appear.

I turned the key in the lock and pushed open the front door.

Immediately, something felt different.

I paused and frowned, realizing I could hear something where normally the house would be in silence. It took me a moment to place the sound, but when I did I hurried into the living room to find my dad asleep on the couch, his hands folded across his chest, snoring.

I glanced at the floor. A couple of empty beer cans were sitting on the carpet. Dammit.

Crossing the room to the couch, I took hold of his shoulder and gave him a quick shake. “Dad?”

He didn’t wake. The snoring stopped momentarily, but then started again.

“Dad!” I said, louder, giving him another shake that felt harder than I’d have liked.

This time, he startled awake. “Huh, what?” He blinked at me and then rubbed his face. “Jesus, Gabi. What are you shouting at me for?”

“Aren’t you supposed to be at work?”

His eyes widened and he sat up straight. “Ah, hell. What time is it?”

“Four-thirty. Don’t you start at three?”

“Damn. I fell asleep. I’ve got to go.”

I glanced back down at the beer cans. “Go? You’re still going to work?”

“Of course I am, Gabi,” he said, exasperated as though it was somehow my fault he’d fallen asleep. “Where else am I going to go?”

“But …” I hesitated. “Haven’t you been drinking?”

I looked pointedly at the empty cans, lifting my eyebrows and widening my eyes, hoping to get my point across without needing to say much more.

He shook his head. “I had a couple of beers with lunch hours ago. I don’t need you telling me I’ve been drinking. It’s not like I work regular hours like most people. If I don’t get a bit of down time, this job will run me into the ground.”

I held up both hands in defense. “Okay, okay. I was only asking.”

I held my tongue as he got up and went upstairs to change into his uniform. I was worried about him driving, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to say anything—he’d only make excuses and defend his choices. Perhaps what he was saying was right and he had only drunk a couple of beers hours ago? I doubted it, and I thought if I looked hard enough I’d find an empty bottle of vodka hidden somewhere in the house, but I didn’t intend on searching. He was the responsible adult, and I was the kid. Nothing I said would make any difference.

Wanting to help, I brewed a pot of coffee while he was getting changed and then put it in a thermos mug for him to take with him.

He reappeared within ten minutes.

I handed him the coffee, and gave him a smile, wanting to build bridges. I didn’t want him to go to work still angry with me. He smiled back and leaned in and kissed me on the cheek, a waft of mint overlaying the stale alcohol flowing over me.

“Thanks, sweetheart,” he said.

“No problem, Dad. Stay safe, okay?”

He threw me a wink as he turned away. “Always.”

Chapter Ten

Gabi – Present Day

I woke filled
with the desperate need to pee. I’d been having one of those dreams where I was searching for a toilet, and I knew I wasn’t going to hold on much longer.

With an aching bladder, I swung my legs out of bed and hopped to my feet.

In a moment of complete disorientation, the floor rushed up and smashed me in the face.

I found myself in a crumpled heap, jarring my neck, my teeth cracking together. For a split second, confusion filled me, trying to work out what had happened to make me fall, and then it all came tumbling back over me. Of course, I had completely forgotten about the amputation.

I let out a scream of frustration and pounded my bunched fists on the floor. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

I hurt from the fall, and tears pooled in my eyes and then streamed down my cheeks. I didn’t like giving way to self-pity, but right at that moment I didn’t care. I didn’t want to be someone who couldn’t even get out of bed at night without falling on her face. My dad had slept through the whole thing, just as he always did, and I felt stupid, and helpless, and utterly alone.

This wasn’t the first time I’d forgotten and done exactly the same thing. It had happened more in the early days and I’d thought I’d gotten over it. But when I dreamed I had two legs, and then I still felt that leg when I woke, there never seemed to be enough time between waking and remembering to stop me falling down when I got out of bed.

I couldn’t stay on the floor, crying. I still needed to pee, badly. The last thing I needed was to have an accident on top of everything else. That would be the ultimate kick in the teeth.

Pushing myself to sitting, I angrily brushed the tears from my cheeks with the back of my hand and reached for my prosthesis. I wished I’d been allowed to take my new pin lock leg home, but for the moment I had to deal with the awkwardness of the rubber sleeve again. I attached the leg to my stump, and then used the side of the bed to pull myself to standing.

Through the drapes filtered the first light of morning, and for that I was relieved. At least I wouldn’t have to try to get back to sleep again.

I hobbled to the bathroom to relieve myself, and then came back into the bedroom to grab my robe. My eyes settled on the small slip of paper on my nightstand.

A couple of days had passed since I’d last seen Cole.

I should have thrown his number away, but instead it sat on my nightstand, drawing my eye every time I walked into the room. When I finally managed to sleep, it was the last thing I stared at before my eyes slipped shut, and it was the first thing I saw when they opened again.

I didn’t want to want to see Cole again. If anything, I wanted to hate him so deeply that nothing would ever break through my hate—not the intense blue eyes, or the full lips, or the stubbled jaw. But more than how he looked now, I found it was my memories I battled with more. The time we’d spent as a couple had been the happiest, most intense time of my life, before it had all crashed and burned. Cole had brought me to life all those years ago, when I’d believed there had been no more to living than reading and trying to manage my dad’s behavior. I’d loved him, and I didn’t think a love like the one I’d had for Cole Devonport when I was seventeen years old ever went away. It faded, sure, especially because of the way it had ended, but any kind of emotion that powerful created who we were as adults. It had shaped and molded me, and at the time I’d believed he and I were going to spend the rest of our lives together. He obviously hadn’t felt the same way, but now here he was as an adult, asking to spend time with me again, and still I was drawn to him.

I needed to remember that the only reason he wanted me around was out of guilt. He felt guilty for what had happened back then, and he felt guilty because he was probably grossed out at the idea of my stump. He certainly didn’t want to be around me out of any kind of romantic notion, and I wouldn’t be able to handle it if he was.

Who the hell wanted to date a girl who only had one leg?

***

Later that morning,
my dad took an unexpected trip out to the store, so I had the house to myself. It didn’t happen often, and I was enjoying the peace and quiet. It wasn’t to last, however, as my doorbell sounded. My heart did a stupid little skip and hop. Would Cole come to the house to see me? No, I chided myself. Why did he seem to always be at the front of my mind lately?

“Coming,” I yelled toward the front door, knowing it took me longer than normal to haul myself out of the couch, and then get to the front door. Like an elderly person, I managed to stand, using the edges of the seat to half pull, half push myself up. I did my lurching walk, hoping whoever it was hadn’t given up and left already.

I opened the door and my mouth dropped in surprise.

Two women and a boy of about seven stood on my doorstep. Both women plastered on wide smiles as they saw me.

“Gabi, hi!”

My gaze moved from one to the other in surprise. “Jasmine,” I said. “Taylor. I wasn’t expecting to see you.”

Jasmine gave an apologetic smile. “I know. Sorry for dropping by unannounced. We should have called first, but we heard you were back in town and we just happened to be in the area.” She held her hands out either side of her. “So here we are.”

“Yeah, so here you are.” I stepped back, freeing the doorway. “Please, come in.”

“Oh, only if you have time,” she chirped. “We wouldn’t want to interrupt.”

I silently observed that they already had interrupted me, but I didn’t say anything. I also noticed how Taylor had remained silent so far. I guessed she wasn’t sure how to figure out the situation yet either.

“Mom?” the boy said suddenly. “Is this the lady who only has one leg?”

Taylor’s perfect lips parted and she clamped her hand over the boy’s mouth. “Oliver!” Brushstrokes of pink painted her throat.

Mom?
So Taylor was a mother now? She must have gotten pregnant young. I did the math and relaxed slightly. She hadn’t been
that
young.

I forced a smile at the boy, Oliver. “Yes, I’m that lady who only has one leg.”

“Cool!” he mumbled from behind Taylor’s hand. “Can I see it?”

“Oliver!” she exclaimed again.

I laughed. “It’s fine, honestly. Though I’d rather not start flashing on the doorstep. The neighbors might complain.”

Taylor laughed a little, too, and I felt a fraction of the awkwardness dissipate between us.

“Come in, please,” I said again.

I led them into our compact living room, and they both took seats on the couch, Oliver perching on the armrest.

“Can I offer you a drink? Coffee? Something cold, perhaps?”

“Oh, no, we’re fine,” said Jasmine, but I could tell what was behind her words. She probably didn’t want the invalid shuffling around after them.

“So, how have you both been?” I asked, sitting in the comfy chair opposite them. “It’s been a long time.”

“Yes, it has.”

I’d kept in touch with Jasmine sporadically over the years, but I hadn’t had any contact with Taylor, and Jasmine had known not to mention her.

I turned to Taylor. “So, you’ve been busy.” I glanced at her son.

“Umm, yeah, Ollie has definitely done that.”

“I’m bored,” the boy complained. “There’s nothing to do here.”

“Sorry,” I said, wrinkling my nose. “I don’t have any kids’ toys or anything. I glanced out of my window. “You’re welcome to play in the yard, though. My old treehouse is still out back. Hopefully it isn’t completely rotten by now.”

Taylor looked relived. “Yes, that would be great, thanks.”

She shooed the boy out the back, and then, after making sure he wouldn’t fall through the floor of my old treehouse, came and sat back down again. “That’s better. We can actually talk now.”

“So, really,” Jasmine said. “How are you?”

I shrugged. “I’ve been better, I guess.”

“So the rumors are true?”

I nodded and lifted the leg of my pants. Both women grew pale. Taylor put her hand to her mouth. I was shocked to see tears in Jasmine’s eyes.

“Oh, my God, Gabi,” my old best friend said.

“It’s okay.” I didn’t know why I felt the need to reassure them, but I did. “I’m alive, and that’s the main thing. The soldier I was stationed with when this happened didn’t make it. He had a young family and everything.”

Taylor shook her head. “That’s awful.”

“Yeah, it was, but I’m a lot better now.” The truth was I’d used the thought of Tom’s death to pull me through the hardest times. Even in the early days, when I’d felt like there was no point in fighting any more, I reminded myself of him, and how he would have given anything to have survived with only a lost limb. If our positions had been reversed, he would be here now, holding his baby daughter and kissing his wife. He’d have been able to see his little girl grow into a woman, and would have happily walked her down the aisle on her wedding day, thankful for his prosthetic leg.

The thought of him caused tears to threaten, so I glanced away, not wanting them to see my weakness, and knowing they would never truly understand.

“So what about you guys?” I threw back to them. “You have a kid now, Taylor. That’s amazing.”

“Yeah, he is. Ridiculously hard work, but wonderful. Boys are a different species, I swear.”

“So, are you married?” I asked, sneakily trying to find out who Oliver’s dad was without directly asking the question.

She laughed. “Oh no, thank God. I hooked up with Lawrence Knight when I came home on Spring Break in my last year of college, and managed to get pregnant.”

“Lawrence Knight?” I remembered the slender, dark haired boy from school.

She must have heard my surprise in my tone.

“Yeah, he filled out some during his late teens—shot up and out like a football player. When I told him I was pregnant, he took off, and his parents moved not long after. I could probably have tracked him down if I’d tried, but I wasn’t going to chase him. He knew how to get hold of me if he wanted, but he didn’t even bother. Oliver doesn’t miss what he didn’t know, though I do wish he had a father figure around at times, especially now he’s getting older. He could do with someone to rough and tumble with, you know?”

I nodded, as though I did. “So did you drop out of college?”

She shook her head. “Nah, I managed to graduate, though I did so with a bump. Then I moved back home with my folks, and I’ve stayed ever since.”

“What about you, Jasmine?”

She smiled. “I’m still running Mom and Dad’s business. They couldn’t keep it up after Mom had her stroke, and I couldn’t leave them like that anyway.”

“Wow, so much responsibility, both of you.” Who would have thought my beautiful, carefree friends would have ended up back in the same town, both living normal day-to-day lives. I’d been sure Taylor would have ended up in Los Angeles, living the life of a movie star or model, and Jasmine would have ended up in New York, doing something cool like fashion designing or editing a magazine.

I wasn’t sure why I was surprised. It wasn’t as though my own life went to plan. What was it I had wanted to do, anyway? I was sure I’d entertained dreams of studying English and writing, but they now felt as airy-fairy as the dreams I’d held of being a princess when I was five.

“So,” said Jasmine, shifting in her seat and glancing toward the floor. “Have you seen Cole since you’ve been back?”

I stiffened. “Only in passing.”

Her eyes widened, focusing on me now. “Did he talk to you? What did he say?”

“Nothing, really. Just being polite.”

“I hear he’s working at Frankie’s now.”

I gave a nonchalant shrug, trying to pretend I didn’t care. “It’s none of my business what he does with his life. He screwed it up enough when he was eighteen. I didn’t intend on letting him drag me down then, and I certainly don’t intend on allowing him the chance to do the same now.”

I looked over to Taylor, who had taken a sudden interest in Oliver still playing outside. She got to her feet and wandered over to the window, watching him the whole time, though I knew it was only an excuse so she didn’t have to look at me. I was tempted to ask if she’d seen Cole at all, if she’d been to visit him, even, when he’d been in jail, but honestly, I didn’t want to know. All of that was in the past now. By the fact she had Oliver, she’d obviously moved on. It was only a stupid teenaged crush. We all made mistakes back then. I couldn’t hold hers against her.

Could I?

“It’s okay, Taylor,” I said, addressing the elephant in the room. “We’re both grownups now. There are far more important things than us fighting over Cole Devonport when we were kids.”

She spun to face me and bit her lower lip. “Oh, are you sure, Gabi? I’ve been feeling horrible all these years, and then when I found out what had happened to you …” Her gaze flicked down at my leg, and I knew the real reason for her concern. She probably hadn’t given me a second thought since high school, but now I was back and with a leg missing, that busy old train called
The Guilt Trip
had taken her on a ride.