No Return (The Internal Defense Series) (21 page)

“Why are we here?” asked Jared.

He stood against the far wall of Becca’s living room with his arms crossed in front of his chest. From the couch, Heather watched him skittishly, tensing whenever he shifted. Becca sat beside Heather, her hand clasped in Micah’s. She wondered if he could feel her shaking.

I can’t do this.

The resistance leader could have done it. But she wasn’t that person anymore—if she ever had been. Her illusion of becoming the leader they needed, of banishing her former self, had shattered hours earlier in Micah’s arms. She was just Becca, scared and weak and human.

I can’t do this.

But I have to.

She tightened her hand around Micah’s. “Tomorrow,” she said, “I’m going to be arrested.”

Beside her, she felt Micah flinch. She heard him force himself to breathe, slow and even.

The crags on Jared’s face deepened. “Then that’s how long we have. Thank you for telling us.” He gave her a solemn nod. “I’ll make my preparations.”

“No,” said Becca. “I’m going to be arrested… but I’ll be the only one. You—all of you—” she looked around the room, resting her gaze on each of the others in turn “—are going to rebuild the resistance.”

Heather squirmed in her seat. “Wait… you didn’t say anything about helping rebuild the resistance. I thought all I had to do was—”

“I won’t ask you to do anything you’re not comfortable with,” Becca promised. “All I need from you is what we already talked about.”

A little of the unease left Heather’s face, but not all. “You’re really sure this is what you want?”

She couldn’t manufacture confidence anymore. Couldn’t fight back her fear. Couldn’t keep the tremor out of her voice as she answered. “I’m sure.”

“You need to stop, Becca,” said Micah, his voice as gentle as his hand on hers. “It’s over, remember? It’s over.”

“It’s not over. Not anymore.” Becca took a deep breath. Swallowed the fear she couldn’t suppress. “Investigation wants to prove they can find the resistance leader before Processing can. They want to bring down the entire resistance with a single arrest. And I’m going to give them exactly what they want.”

Jared’s gaze was inscrutable, Heather’s filled with grief, Micah’s with confusion. None of them spoke.

“Tomorrow Investigation will announce that they’ve found the leader of the group responsible for the liberation,” Becca continued. “Me. They’ll have me arrested. They’ll send me to 117 for interrogation.” There suddenly wasn’t enough air in her lungs.
Keep going.
“They’ve already written a confession for me—one that will make them look good and convince everyone else that the threat is over. The interrogator will be in on it. Once I’ve confessed, Internal won’t have any reason to interrogate the others. You’ll all be safe. Our networks—what’s left of them—will be safe.”

The room went still as the others took in what she had said.

Micah’s hand convulsed around hers. “You’re going to give yourself to them.”

She nodded. “I’m going to make sure the resistance survives.”

No strength in her voice. No certainty. Just a quiet statement of fact.

I will protect them.

One last time, she would protect them.

One last time, she would do what was necessary.

Jared inclined his head in silent respect. But a second later, his brows drew inward. “You’re saying Investigation will know some of us escaped arrest.”

“It doesn’t matter. Nobody else will. And Investigation won’t look any harder for you than they would for any other dissidents. They might give themselves away otherwise.”

Jared’s frown didn’t fade. “I find it hard to believe they would knowingly allow dissidents to go free.”

“They care more about their reputation than about stopping you,” Heather put in, still looking at Jared like he might bite. “They made sure I knew their priorities when they gave me this assignment.”

Jared turned to Becca. “Can she be trusted?”

“The fact that she’s sitting in this room right now shows how much I trust her,” Becca answered.

“And you’re sure she can read the situation accurately?”

Once, she would have said no. Once she would have cringed at the thought of trusting something this crucial to Heather—helpless Heather, oblivious Heather, Heather who didn’t understand. She knew better now. “She’s aware of how important this is. She wouldn’t say it unless she was sure.”

Jared nodded—first to Becca, then to Heather. “That’s enough for me.”

Hesitantly, Heather returned the nod. “I, um.” She shifted under Jared’s gaze. “I’m not a… you know. I’m not one of you. But Becca means a lot to me, and this is what she chose. I won’t let anything go wrong.” She bit her lip as she turned to Becca. “As long as you’re sure you can—”

Becca caught Heather’s eye. She gave her head a slight shake. Heather stopped talking.

But Micah had caught the look. “As long as you can what?”

“It’s not important,” said Becca. “You know everything you need to know.”

“There’s something you’re not saying,” Micah pressed. “I could hear it in your voice from the beginning. And whatever it is, it scares you.” He shook his head. “No—it terrifies you.”

Why had she thought she could hide it from Micah? Why, when Micah always saw through her? “Enforcement is coming for me tomorrow. Of course I’m afraid.”

“You’ve been expecting that for years,” said Micah. “I know how you sound when you talk about it. I know how you look when you’re facing death. This is different.” He lowered his voice. “What don’t you want to tell me?”

“It won’t affect the plan. I can do it.”
I can’t.
“I will.”

“We’re in this together, Becca. All of us. If it affects you, it affects us. And whatever it is, you shouldn’t have to face it alone.”

He wasn’t going to drop it. And they couldn’t afford to waste any time. If she told him, if she got it over with, maybe they could move on. “The interrogation.” She spoke through a suddenly-dry mouth. “If I tell them what they want to know too easily, no one will believe it. The interrogator will know about Investigation’s plan, but he’s not the only one who matters. I work in 117—I know how they do things. For an interrogation this important, the people up in interrogation analysis will go over every frame of the recording to make sure nothing is out of place.” Her hand had gone cold in Micah’s. “The interrogation needs to look real. And it needs to last long enough—”
Breathe. Keep going.
“It needs to last long enough for them to believe I’ve given them everything.”

“You have to let them torture you,” said Micah slowly. “You have to let it get bad enough that they believe what you tell them.”

Becca nodded. “And not give anything away until the right time.”

“For hours.” A shudder broke through Micah’s calm. He gripped her hand hard, like he was afraid she could slip away at any second.

This time, Becca shook her head. “For days.”

“No.” Micah jerked his hand from hers as he stood. “You’re not doing this for me. I can accept my death—but I can’t accept surviving if this is the price. I’m sure any of your people would say the same.” He looked to Jared for confirmation.

Jared nodded. “None of us would ever ask this of you.”

“But it’s not about you,” said Becca. “Any of you. If your lives were the only thing at stake, I would let you make that choice. I wouldn’t have the right to make it for you.” She inclined her head toward Heather. “I understand that now, even if I didn’t before.”

“You’re doing this to save us,” said Micah. “You said so yourself.”

“I’m doing this to save the resistance,” Becca corrected. “The resistance isn’t about your lives. It isn’t about mine. It’s about standing up to Internal when no one else will. It’s about protecting the people whose only crime is questioning the regime. It’s about fighting for what we believe in even though we know what it will cost us.”

Heather squirmed in discomfort again at the references to working against the regime. But she didn’t argue. No one did.

“That’s why I’m doing this,” Becca continued. “Because the resistance needs to survive. Because somebody needs to keep fighting. When I first joined the resistance, it was because I thought that fight was worth any price. That hasn’t changed.” She met Jared’s eyes. Heather’s. Micah’s. “You’re each fighting for different things. But I know you all feel the same way.”

Jared was the first to nod.

Then Micah, as he closed his eyes and let out a long exhale.

Then Heather, clenching her teeth to hold back tears.

“Before, I would have promised you we’d make it through this,” said Becca. “I can’t do that now. This is going to take everything I have, and maybe more. And not just me—I’m going to ask more from each of you now than I ever have. If any of you want to walk away, I won’t stop you. But I’ve made my choice. Because if I don’t do this, we lose the resistance.”

A sad smile crossed Micah’s lips as he regarded her. “I called you brave before,” he said. “I had no idea.” His smile faded into an expression that almost matched his earlier serenity. Not quite, but almost. “I’ll do anything you need. You only have to ask.”

“You already know what I’m willing to give,” said Jared.

“I know,” said Becca. “And that’s why I need you to rebuild the resistance. You’ll be the only core member left—the only one who knows our codes, our networks, how we operate. I’ll give you information on how to reach Meri’s contacts, and mine, but I don’t know how to find Sean’s, or Alia’s, or Peter’s. You’ll need to track them down on your own. And you’ll need to start recruiting.”

“I’ll make the resistance strong again,” Jared promised.

“I know you will.” Becca hesitated. “But I also need something else from you.”

Jared waited.

“It won’t be enough for Internal to think they’ve found the resistance leader,” she said. “They need to believe they’ve wiped out the entire resistance. And for that…” Another hesitation, longer this time. She tried to force the words out, but her lips stayed stubbornly shut.

Whatever it takes,
she reminded herself.

And,
You don’t have the right to protect them. This choice belongs to them.

“For that,” she said, “I need names. Talk to everyone you can. Your contacts. Mine. Meri’s. Find me volunteers—people willing to…” She only faltered a little. “To have me name them in my interrogation. Bring me a list by tonight.”

“My name will be at the top,” said Jared.

“No,” said Becca. “Your experience is too valuable to lose. The resistance needs you alive.”

“Then name me,” said Micah. “Internal already thinks we’re working together—and you know I’m ready to die.”

“I know.” Becca turned from Jared to Micah. “But I need you to do something harder than that.” She shook her head as he opened his mouth to protest. “I’m not saying you’re trying to take the easy way out. I know you’re not. You keep calling me brave, but you’re every bit as brave as I am. Maybe more. I know you’re willing to do whatever you need to do, and face whatever you need to face.”

“Then what are you trying to say?” She couldn’t tell what he was thinking. What he was feeling.

“I’m saying that doesn’t always mean the same thing. There’s a time to let go and accept what’s coming—but there’s also a time to hang on and fight with everything in you. And that’s what I need from you right now.”

She paused, watching him, taking him in. The look on his face, so different from the raw idealism she had seen in him three years ago—and yet exactly the same. The light in his eyes—that light Kara had talked about—as he prepared to accept his own death. As he prepared to accept hers.

Would she accept what she was about to ask him to do?

She met his eyes, met that light head-on, as she spoke. “I need you to join the resistance.”

A second of silence as he processed her words. Another. Another.

The light wavered. Dimmed. “Join the resistance,” he echoed. “You mean fight Internal. Fight the regime.”

“I meant what I told Heather,” said Becca. “I won’t ask you to do anything you’re not comfortable with. If you say no, I’ll understand. I’ll put your name first on my list if that’s what you really want. But Jared will need someone to help him rebuild. You may not have his experience, but you have everything you’ve learned from working against the reeducation centers.

“Heather can arrange for the interrogator to ask about you specifically. I’ll claim you were never one of us. You’ll still be a fugitive, but your new identity should be enough to protect you, as long as you keep a low profile.”

Pain filled Micah’s eyes, snuffing the light completely, as he shook his head. “You know I want to help you any way I can. But I can’t do this. Your fight isn’t my fight, and I won’t pretend it is. Not even…” He waved a hand, as if one gesture could encompass everything that had happened over the past few hours. “Not even now. Not even here. I won’t abandon my principles, Becca—you of all people should understand that.”

“No one is asking you to.”

“I’m not the same person I was three years ago. But what I believe hasn’t changed. The regime has done a lot of harm—but they do a lot of good, too. Not everything we learn about the way things used to be is propaganda—it can’t be. For everyone but dissidents, this country is a better place—they’re healthy, and comfortable, and safe from everything but Internal. I believe in preserving the good that the regime can do as much as I believe in ending their crimes, and I won’t do anything to compromise that.”

“No one is asking you to,” Becca repeated. “And no one will.” She looked past Micah to Jared, holding her breath for his reaction, praying she had told Micah the truth.

Jared bowed his head. “If you’re willing to bring him into the resistance, that’s all I need.”

Becca wanted to accept his answer—but she couldn’t. “It’s not my resistance anymore, Jared. It’s yours. Starting tomorrow, you won’t have my judgment to rely on. Answer for yourself—don’t answer for me.”

Jared started to speak. Stopped. He seemed to age before her eyes as the full weight of the responsibility she had asked him to take on fell over him.