No One But You (20 page)

He loved embracing Sarah. It was a simple act, and yet he couldn't explain why it felt so good to wrap his arms around her. He didn't know whether it was feeling like she belonged to him or that she was giving herself to him; all he knew for sure was that he wanted to do it for the rest of his life.

He thought of her as strong and independent, but Sarah felt small and fragile as he held her. In contrast, he felt big and powerful. He liked feeling that she'd turn to him when she needed a shoulder to lean on. He liked that she had surrendered her physical self to him. Yesterday he'd have said all of this was too much to surmise from a single embrace. Now he realized he'd been given only a glimpse of what love could make possible.

“I'm still waiting for the answer to my question.”

The intrusion of Sarah's voice startled Salty. He'd been so caught up in the moment that he'd forgotten there was a question. There was no way out; he had to confess. “Uh, I've forgotten what you asked.”

She laughed. “Then I guess I have my answer.”

He was more and more lost. “Answer to what?”

“I wanted to know if you cared enough about me to change my opinion about men.”

He shrugged. “I don't care what you think about other men, just me.”

“You already said that.”

“Then what do you want to know?”

“I want to know how you feel about me.”

“Haven't I shown you?”

“You've shown me you want me, but that's not what I'm asking.”

He flushed. He didn't have to be an experienced lover to know that showing Sarah he wanted her physically before he even said he liked her, much less that he loved her, was the perfect way to kill her affection before it had time to put down enough roots to take hold. It was time to put his cards on the table and to play out his hand.

“Sarah, I don't know if you want to hear this, but I've fallen in love with you. I liked you from the beginning. I knew you didn't want that, but I wanted so badly to have the chance to own my own land that I thought I could deny my feelings and my attraction. If not deny them, control them. It wasn't long before I realized I was wrong on both counts.”

Evening had deepened, but the light of a full moon now flooded the corral. The fence rails looked like black ink across a silvery-gray background, the horses like weird splotches of color, their true shapes morphed by the shadows of trees. Heat radiating from the ground clashed with the cooling air above to create drafts that eddied about them like swirling water. In the moonlight, Sarah's face took on a luminous quality that made everything about the evening seem surreal.

“I knew I was attracted to you, too,” she said. “I was determined it would never be more than that…but you aren't like other men.”

“I'm pretty ordinary.”

Sarah smiled in a way that did uncomfortable things to Salty's stomach. “There's
nothing
ordinary about you. You're kind, generous, hardworking, straightforward, and honest. My children adore you, Arnie and Dobie respect you, and Rose Randolph made it clear she thought you were the best cowhand on the place.”

It was nice to know other people liked him, but he wasn't interested in other people. Not right now. He was interested in only one person: the woman in his arms. “Is that what you think of me—that I'm a good cowhand?”

“Yes.”

He'd been hoping for more, a lot more. Was it so hard for her to say she loved him? She might as well have said he was the family's faithful hound dog. It was pretty much the same as a pat on the head. He should take his arms from around her, but he couldn't make himself give up the chance to hold her a little longer. It might be the only chance he ever got.

“That's what I
think
of you, but it's not what I
feel
for you.”

Salty's spirits revived. The door hadn't slammed shut. He wouldn't give up hope until she actually said she didn't love him. He was sure those words would kill him. “What do you feel?” he asked.

“Love.”

It was only one word, a single syllable, but it was more potent than the most masterful speech ever given. It had the power to change his life.

“Are you sure?”

Sarah looked startled at his question. It was obviously the wrong thing to ask, but he couldn't help himself.

“Yes, I'm sure. Why do you ask?”

“Because no one has ever said that to me.”

“Didn't your parents—?”

“No.” The word was spoken softly but firmly.

“My parents didn't, either, but I was sure everybody else's did…”

Neither one of them had grown up surrounded by love, so how could they be sure this wasn't merely a strong liking driven by physical attraction? While it wouldn't be the worst marriage in the world if only one of them was in love, he didn't want to settle for that.

“I never thought I would feel love for anyone except my children,” Sarah went on. Moonlight caused the tears glistening on her cheeks to sparkle like diamonds. “I thought only a woman could feel such depth of emotion. That's why I intended to choose Walter over you.”

He stared at her. “You never told me why you changed your mind.” She appeared reluctant to explain. “You don't have to answer if you'd rather not.” But how could he believe her feelings were genuine if she didn't?

“It's not that,” she said. “I just don't want you to think I fell in love with you only because of my children.”

“Why would I think that?”

“Because of the way you were drawn to them, the way they became attached to you. Right from the start. It's what caused me to change my mind.”

He wasn't exactly sure how he felt about that. He'd grown very attached to Jared and Ellen. He'd caught himself thinking of himself as their father, even someday playing with their children as his grandchildren. But as much as that picture appealed to him, it lacked an ingredient that would make this marriage everything he wanted: Sarah's love.

“At least, that's what I thought at first,” she said.

Salty had always thought he was unable to experience the strong feelings that plagued other people. Now he realized he was just like everybody else, at least when it came to falling in love. He wasn't sure he could take many more emotional ups and downs.

“The attraction I felt for you scared me so badly I made up my mind to choose anybody but you,” Sarah explained. “I opened my mouth to say his name that night. Yours came out instead.”

Salty turned away to look at the horses. It was less painful. “You could have said you made a mistake. I was sure you had.”

She took his face in her hands and turned it back toward her. “You haven't understood what I'm saying. My brain wanted to take the safe course, but my heart overruled it. I
thought
I chose you because of the children. It took several days before I could admit I'd chosen you for myself.”

Salty wanted to believe her, but it was difficult. Yet believing was necessary because being in love had offered him the chance for a kind of happiness he'd believed was forever beyond his grasp.

Sarah studied him carefully. “You don't look like you believe me.”

His smile was probably too weak to be reassuring. “I suppose I'm afraid to believe, because I want this so much.” He sounded weak, like he was pleading for her to love him. How could she respect and admire a man like that? He was supposed to be strong, the rock-solid support for the family when there was any kind of trouble, the one who didn't allow emotion to cloud his judgment no matter how gut-wrenching the difficulty.

“I feel the same way half of the time. How can you love a woman whose husband left her, who has a crippled son, and who's managed to run what was once a successful ranch into the ground?”

“Any husband who would leave you is a fool. Any father who would turn his back on Jared is hardhearted and cruel. You're both better off without him.”

Sarah nodded and planted a quick kiss on his mouth. “I'm sorry Roger died, but I'm thankful it made me free to fall in love with you.”

He stared into her eyes. “I'm thankful your ranch was failing, or you never would have come to the Circle Seven.”

Sarah gave him another quick kiss—he could grow used to them—and said, “It's enough to make me believe misfortune truly can have a silver lining.” She paused, her brow creased. “You really do love me, don't you? You're not saying this because of the land or my children?” It was as if she were afraid to admit the possibility.

Salty was almost relieved to know she had the same fears. “I want land of my own, and I adore your children, but
I'm in love with you
. I would love you just as much if you were penniless and alone. Being able to have all three things at the same time, well, that's just a blessing.”

Sarah's face cleared. “I know you love me. I believe you. I just needed to hear you say it. Roger was so—”

Salty's arms closed around her and pressed her hard against him. “I want you to forget everything he said or did. You don't have to worry about him ever again.”

Sarah gave him another quick kiss. “I can't forget him, because he's my children's father. But I never felt for him what I feel for you. There's simply no comparison.”

Salty didn't want to think about Roger. This family would start over, start afresh. He pulled her closer in his arms. “Let's make a promise to each other to put the past behind us. Its disappointments, its failed promises, its harsh lessons—from now on everything is possible, because we want it to be.”

“Do you really believe that?”

“We're the most important part of each other's lives. As long as we have each other, nothing else really matters.”

Sarah didn't appear entirely convinced, but that would change. She had given him a family to love and who loved him in return. He would do everything in his power to give her the love she needed and the security she deserved. He wasn't the best man in the world, but he knew how to work hard and he knew how to keep his promises. He would earn her love.

She frowned. “You look so solemn. What are you thinking?”

It was his turn to give her a quick kiss. “I was making a promise to myself, one that makes me very happy.”

“You didn't look happy.”

“Just determined you will never be unhappy again.”

Sarah laughed. “I expect to be unhappy many times, but I'm depending on you to make me forget.”

Salty couldn't think of a better request, or a better time to set about the task. The thought of being able to kiss her every night in the future made him almost light-headed.

He was dragged back to earth when she broke their kiss, pulling away from him to say, “Let's go to the shed.”

“Why?”

“I've slept with a man who believed he owned me. Now I want to sleep with a man who loves me.”

Was the chill she felt from the falling temperature or from fear? Had she shocked Salty? Not even the imperfect light of the moon hid his stunned look. His arms had lost their tight hold on her, and his body drew back as though he was unable to believe she could be so forward.

Sarah had known she was taking a chance, but this was something she needed. She had disliked being married to Roger. She had especially disliked when he forced himself on her. She had no doubt that she loved and wanted to spend the rest of her life with Salty, but she didn't know if she could make love to him. It would be impossible if she reacted the same way as she had with Roger.

“Do you know what you're asking?” he whispered.

“As well as you.”

“I'm not sure you do.”

“We're married!” The awkwardness that existed between them often caused her to forget that.

“I know, but…” She knew Salty wanted to be with her, because she'd felt the evidence against her thigh, yet he seemed lost as to what to say.

“You hesitate. Why?”

“Probably because I've been telling myself at least a dozen times a day that this would never happen. My brain is still struggling with the change.”

“What about your heart?”

He stroked her cheek with a feather-like touch. “My heart was never in doubt.”

“Then you should learn to trust your heart. I know I do.”

It was endearing to see the reflection of his struggle in his eyes. Though his body shook with desire, he was holding back because he was concerned about her feelings, about her happiness. Nothing could have made her love him more. Nothing could have made this union with him more important.

“The shed isn't a suitable place for our first night together,” he said. He was avoiding a decision, looking for reasons to object.

“It's where you've been sleeping,” she pointed out. “That makes it fine with me.”

“Aren't you tired?” he asked.

“I'm never tired when I'm with you.” That sounded silly, but just seeing him across the table or talking to him sharpened all her senses until her very skin felt alive. Having him touch her, hold her in his arms, kiss her, had aroused every fiber of her being until she felt incapable of sitting still.

He seemed to have reached a decision. His grip on her arms tightened; his gaze intensified. “If you spend the night with me, I won't give you a divorce.” It seemed an ultimatum.

Luckily, it was an easy one. “I don't want one.”

His eyes drilled into her. “I'll move into the house when I finish the new room.”

“You can move in now.”

A smile slowly spread across his face, a smile so joyous, so luminous, that it outshone the moon. If she'd had any doubts he loved her, she had them no longer. She'd had men look at her, but no one had ever done so as Salty did now. There was desire and there was hunger, there might even be need in his gaze, but all were wrapped in a radiant happiness that enveloped rather than coveted her. There was a promise of days and nights beyond this evening, of months and years stretching far into the future. It was a smile that assured her this time would be different. Salty wanted them to be a family.

“We can wait until I finish the extra room,” he said.

“As long as I'm with you, it doesn't matter whether we're in the shed, in the wagon, or on the ground. Being with you is the important thing. Where doesn't matter.”

He drew her to him and kissed her. Much to her surprise, she wanted something more forceful, more demanding, more possessive. She wanted him to want her so badly he could barely contain himself. She wanted to feel he was laying claim to her, that he was proclaiming her off limits to every man who might cast a glance her way.

“Kiss me harder,” she begged.

He did. But now that they had declared their love, he was treating her like a precious jewel, like a fragile flower, as if she would break if he held her too tightly. She didn't want to be treated like someone who needed to be handled with care, or who couldn't take care of herself. For the past six years she'd managed her ranch alone. She'd done virtually everything a man could do. She wanted Salty to realize that, but she didn't want to have to tell him.

He drew back until he could look into her eyes. “Are you sure you're ready for this?”

She almost laughed. “Don't you think I know my heart?”

“I'm sure you do, but I know my heart, too. I love you so much I can't be with you just once then go back to the way we were before. I can't pretend it's just an itch that needs to be scratched. I want this to mean there'll be no divorce. I want this to mean I can adopt Jared and Ellen, that we can be a real family. I want this to mean you love me, that you need me, that you want me. Forever.”

“I want the same.” It amazed her that she could feel this way after so many years of wanting just the opposite, but when she saw the way Salty smiled, and the look that came into his eyes when he stared at her, she wondered how she could possibly feel anything else.

He took her hand, the same question in his glance. She nodded, a motion so slight as to be virtually nonexistent, yet he saw and understood. Acting with one mind, they turned and walked toward the shed.

Sarah hadn't set foot inside the shed since she hired the first man to help her after Roger left. She was surprised to see Salty had transformed it into a comfortable, if masculine, space. His newly-constructed bunk had been pushed into one corner, providing room for a cane-bottomed chair and a crate that acted as a table. The walls were plastered with pages from magazines and catalogs, which served a double purpose of helping keep out drafts and providing pictures and reading material for a dull afternoon. Salty had used some lumber to put in a floor now partially covered with a rag rug. A lantern had been suspended from the ceiling; a newly constructed window provided natural light.

“As long as Bones is on duty, I don't need to sleep with the door open,” Salty explained.

Sarah experienced a new twinge of doubt as she stepped through the doorway. She wanted what was to come, had even asked for it, but she was again afraid the act would be the same as before. She couldn't stay married to Salty if she hated sleeping with him. It wouldn't be fair to either of them. And what made her think it might be different? All men made love the same way.

She struggled against a rising panic. She felt confined, restrained, even constrained, and she folded her arms across her chest in defense—against what, she didn't know—while Salty lit the lantern and turned the wick down. He closed the door gently, yet hearing the dull click of the latch caused her to flinch. He turned to face her, a smile warming his face.

The subdued light, the flickering flame, caused shadows to dance on the wall. He peeled her right hand from its grip on her left arm and took it between his two hands. “You're afraid, aren't you?”

“No. Yes. Not exactly.”

He tilted his head in query. “How ‘not exactly'?”

“I hated being with Roger this way. It was painful.”

Salty's smile stayed so gentle, so understanding, so comforting, Sarah wanted to retract her words, but she felt better for having voiced her fear. Things weren't so terrible when she could share her feelings. When she'd tried to explain to Roger, he'd called her a silly little girl and said a
real
woman would have appreciated him.

Salty caressed her hand. “If anything makes you uncomfortable, tell me and I'll stop.”

“Roger said a man can't stop once he starts. He said that goes against Nature.”

Salty brought her hand to his lips and kissed it. “I'll
always
stop if you want me to.”

She wasn't sure it was fair to ask that of him, but the offer made her love him all the more.

“If it doesn't make you feel so good that you want to do it again and again, we won't do it at all.”

Sarah didn't believe she could ever feel the way he wanted, but she wouldn't tell him that as long as it didn't hurt.

“Anything else bothering you?” he asked.

She shook her head. Saying no didn't feel so untruthful that way.

“Then let me hold you.”

She was a lot shorter than Salty, but she didn't really mind because she enjoyed resting her head on his chest. There was something about being held by a tall, strong man that made her feel protected. She wrapped her arms around him, held him tight. He wasn't a big man like Roger or Arnie, but his lean frame was strung with powerful muscles that rippled when he worked. The feel of those same muscles under her fingertips sent tiny electric charges racing through her until her whole body felt energized.

Salty murmured, “This is nice, but a kiss would be better.”

She signaled her agreement by lifting her face.

Each kiss seemed better than the last. Sarah didn't know how it could be happening. Maybe it was the feel of his work-hardened body pressed against her; maybe it was the sensations aroused by his hands moving over her back. Maybe it was the anticipation generated by the hardness pressed against her thigh. Most likely it was knowing he loved her, and that his feelings would never change.

She was disappointed when he broke away, but the letdown didn't last long. He relaxed his hold on her so that she was soon back on her own feet and ran his hands along her from elbow to shoulder and back again, all while scattering kisses over her forehead, ears, the side of her neck and even the end of her nose. And while she loved the kisses, the feel of his hands moving over her generated a heat that flooded her whole body. She wanted to move closer, to feel his body against hers. She wanted something she couldn't define, yet she also knew her life could never be complete without it.

When he moved his hand between them to cover her breast, her breath stilled; her body grew rigid. This was part of what Roger did that hurt. But Salty simply cupped her breast while he continued to kiss her, caressed her arm and shoulder. It wasn't long before pleasure overcame fear and she was able to relax. She was only mildly concerned when he started to unbutton her dress from the back. For the first time she
wanted
to feel a man's skin against her own.

When she opened her eyes, the look of hunger on Salty's face scared her. She'd seen that same look on Roger. It always meant he'd lost notice of her, that from this point on his satisfaction was the only thing of importance. She felt herself tense, the heat flowing through her beginning to cool, and her previous fears threatened to return.

If Salty noticed, he didn't show it. He continued to undo the buttons of her dress, to cup her breast, to kiss her. Gradually, Sarah's anxiety calmed. It spiked again when he untied her shift and placed his hand on her bare flesh, but it was quickly opposed by the delicious feeling of his fingertips skimming over her back, tracing circles and drawing patterns. She nearly forgot his hand on her breast. How could a man's touch be so calming, so reassuring, so stimulating at the same time? How could it make her want to touch him in the same way?

She shivered when he pulled her dress and shift aside to place kisses on her bare shoulder. She was so distracted that she didn't realize he'd freed her arm until he placed kisses down its whole length. She didn't have a single thought of resisting when he freed her other arm, and she soon stood bare to the waist.

Despite the heat building inside her, the air felt cold on her bare skin, like that of a winter morning when she climbed out of a warm bed and had to shed her nightclothes before dressing. Salty's fingertips were rough against the soft skin of her breasts, but his touch was light, feathery, almost liquid, and at last his heat flowed into her and banished the cold. A sigh of contentment escaped.

“Did I hurt you?”

“No.” She shook her head for extra emphasis. Was it possible for the rest of what would come to be just as good?

She flinched when his thumbs started to massage her nipples, which quickly became engorged and hard, so acutely sensitive it was nearly painful. Yet a spear of pleasure lanced through the discomfort until all she felt was the desire for more. When he bent down to take one nipple into his mouth, Sarah thought she would rise right off the ground. Her body was bombarded with so many diverse sensations, she didn't know which to pay attention to first. She compromised by letting them all wash over her in a great wave.

When she was sure she couldn't stand any longer and would sink to the floor in a helpless heap, Salty picked her up, carried her over to the bed, and laid her down upon it. He laved her nipple with his tongue then nipped it with his teeth, and she felt dizzy from the assault on her senses. She'd never guessed her breasts could be the source of so much pleasure! But the same could be said for her shoulders, her arms, her neck… Salty was awakening her body in ways she'd never dreamt possible.

A wisp of thought passed through her head that she'd like to see if his body was equally sensitive, but it was swept aside by the sensations shooting through her body like sparks from a Chinese rocket. They were so powerful that she didn't realize Salty's hand had moved to her leg until it had reached her inner thigh. She wanted to tense, to be afraid, but she was incapable of anything beyond a mild curiosity about what came next. She had never thought she would lose control, but she had no control over what Salty was doing. Nor did she want any. Yet, her fear wouldn't go away entirely, either. It circled like a wolf just beyond the light of a campfire, its eyes burning with uncertainty, wary of the fire burning inside her.

“Lift up, so I can slide your dress under you.”

Sarah didn't know when Salty had removed her shoes, but she was acutely aware of every motion he used to slip her dress and undergarments off her body; each movement that brought his hand into contact with her bare skin brought the wolf of fear closer. When he started to remove her stockings, she thought the wolf would pounce…but Salty's touch was gentle, unhurried, unthreatening. It gave the wolf no opportunity.