No More Bullies (10 page)

Oh, yeah? Who says?

God says.

God, the external, objective Giver of truth and morality, says that some things are right and some things are wrong. Furthermore, if you examine His Word, you will find that He can be quite specific about what matters to Him. The prophet Micah reminds us, “He has shown you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?” (Mic. 6:8).

God has created us in His image and put each of us here on earth for specific purposes. That means every human being has intrinsic value, preciousness, meaning, and dignity. Why? Because we matter to Almighty God! Moreover, not only is it wrong for me to devalue another person, to belittle, to bully, or to abuse another person created in God's image, I must do what I can to defend those who cannot defend themselves from such abuse. We really are “family,” whether or not we choose to admit it.

The Scripture says, “And He has made from one blood every nation of men to dwell on all the face of the earth, and has determined their preappointed times and the boundaries of their dwellings, so that they should seek the Lord, in the hope that they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us; for in Him we live and move and have our being” (Acts 17:26–28).

God says that it is right to respect my fellowman, to love him, to care for him, and to protect him. It is wrong to abuse, tease, taunt, intimidate, hurt, harass, or violate anyone. Taking it a step further, to demean another person is sin. When we indulge in such practices, we are doing so in direct disobedience to our Lord Jesus Christ. Quoting Old Testament passages found in Deuteronomy and Leviticus, Jesus said, “‘You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind,' and your neighbor as yourself” (Luke 10:27). Don't miss that last part. Another time, Jesus stated it plainly: “Whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets” (Matt. 7:12).

That's not a bad code to live by.

HELP FOR THE
WOUNDED

Chapter Seven

U
p to this point in the book I've spoken from my own experience, bringing to light a problem many of us share but have seldom talked about. I've suggested that it's a significant problem that should be talked about and dealt with. I've presented one concise argument—there are plenty of others—that we do have a moral foundation from which we can address the problem.
¹

Just to let you know, this and the following chapters are going to have a common thread you'll see cropping up continually: the whole matter of attitude. If we're going to deal with this problem, it's going to require a change in attitude, not just on the part of the bullies, but also the victims, the schools, society, the powers-that-be, you name it. We've had the wrong attitude about this for too long, and it's time to change it.

Although I'll often be addressing the plight of the young, these chapters aren't just for kids. A wounded spirit has no regard for time or age. Wounded kids grow up to be wounded adults, and wounded adults were most likely wounded kids. Nobody likes being picked on now, nobody liked being picked on as a child, and I've found in my experience and research that
everybody
remembers the hurt and pain associated with being bullied and abused.

When it comes to wounded spirits, three categories of people can relate: those who are wounded, those who wound or have wounded others, and those who fall into both categories—they've been wounded themselves, and they also wound others. This chapter is addressed primarily to the wounded.

When I told a friend of mine that I was writing a book about teasing and peer abuse, he quipped, “Oh, so you're writing a book about
life!”
He had a point there. Quite simply, garbage does happen, and we've all been touched by it in some form at one time or another.

But the questions now are, How do I get over the pain?How do I deal with the wounds inside me? What can I do about the hurtful situation I'm in right now?

Well, let me share some helpful observations and pearls of wisdom with you.

First of all,
if you're wounded, you're not alone.

Hang on. Before you shrug this little truism off as just another trite phrase or cutesy emotional Band-Aid, please consider how
normal
it makes you.

People come in all shapes and sizes, with all kinds of different abilities
and
disabilities—some are slim, some are fat; others are handsome, ugly, inferior, strong, weak, dorky, or nerdy—but God made us all, so that makes every one of us special, despite our shortcomings.
All
of us have something, or lack something, that potentially can make us a target for abuse.

But that doesn't mean there's something “wrong” with you. Everybody has something they wish they could change about themselves. If you have discovered some “defect” in yourself, welcome to the human race. Regardless of your failures, foibles, or defeats, you're just as human (and just as precious) as anybody else. You're a member.

Think you're ugly? You're a member.

Do you have cystic hygroma, cerebral palsy, muscular dystrophy, or polio? You're a member.

Do you have freckles? Are you too tall, too skinny, too much . . .
anything?
You're a member.

Do you feel left out simply because you're smart? You're a member.

Do you feel left out because you're mentally or physically challenged? You're a member.

Have you ever been raped? Molested? You're still a member.

All of us, with all our wrinkles, shortcomings, bumblings, and imperfections, are God's creation. We're all precious in His sight and should be precious to one another—and don't let anyone tell you otherwise, not even you.

And how about this startling revelation:
It wasn't (isn't)
your fault.

One of the most common mistakes made by victims of abuse is to think that for some reason the abuse was justified, that they actually deserved it. Nothing could be farther from the truth!

This came as a real lightning bolt for me while I was working on this book. As I reluctantly trudged back through my dark, difficult memories and encountered the faces and voices of my abusers once again, I finally saw them for what they were: bullies, not to be feared, but to be pitied. Suddenly it dawned on me:
It wasn't my fault!
What those kids did to me had nothing to do with me. There was never anything so terribly wrong with me that other people had no choice but to be irresistibly, uncontrollably compelled to abuse me. Yes, I was a sinner who needed to be saved by God's grace, but I was not some freak of nature who merited the disdain with which I was treated. It wasn't my problem; it was theirs!

I guess it's just one of those quirky, human tendencies: We tend to believe what others say about us and to view ourselves through their eyes. The moment we get around other people, we start wondering,
Am I okay?
Are they going to like me? Will they accept me?
If we manage to make a good impression and everybody seems to like us, we usually go home feeling pretty good about ourselves.

On the other hand, if we stumble or make a blunder, if somebody in the room brands us as the fool or the whole gang of them ignores us entirely, it's quite easy to go home believing we are what they have made us out to be.

When I was in junior high, I was very small for my age. That shouldn't have been a problem, but of course there were those in my class who made it a problem, as if there were something wrong with
me
for being small. Well, I believed it. After all, it was
my
smallness.
I
was the one who brought it to school with me. If I was being heckled, bullied, and thrown around, it was because I deserved it. If I'd just had the common sense to be bigger before coming to school, the other kids would have had no choice but to accept me. No one has the right to be small. I should have known that.

Weird, isn't it? For some reason we focus on ourselves as the cause of the abuse, as if our tormentors have no choice (or responsibility) in the matter, and we buy into their program of lies and humiliation. Before long, we begin thinking,
I'm no good. I'm dumb. I'm a fool. I'm a shrimp. I'm a
klutz. That's what the bullies say, so it has to be true!

Tragically, we can go through the rest of our lives believing those lies. Even as adults, we shy from new relationships, we're afraid of taking risks or being wrong, we get hurt easily, we fumble in conversations, we huddle in a corner at gatherings, and we keep kicking ourselves over every little mistake, because we've been conditioned to believe that
we, of all people, don't have the right to be
imperfect.

Face it. You're not perfect, and that's okay! It's
okay!
Nobody's perfect, and if anybody ever made an issue of it,
they
were the ones in the wrong, not you.

To put it simply, what happened to you shouldn't have happened. What was said about you shouldn't have been said, and what was done to you shouldn't have been done. Nobody deserves to be abused.

So please don't blame yourself.

Now, here's where a change of attitude comes into play, because the third important observation is,
you don't
have to put up with it.
You really don't.

And as for whoever is in charge of the school environment, the workplace, the home, or the street,
they shouldn't
expect you to
.

Looking back, one of the greatest mysteries of my life is why I did put up with it for so long. I can only explain it this way: I thought I had to. Most of the abuse I endured happened at school. There was no way I could avoid it. After all, it was
school
. While transferring to another school district, attending private school, or homeschooling may be viable options for some families today, these were not options for my family. I was stuck in that one school. My parents made me go. The teachers made me sit at my desk. I was a good kid trying to be obedient. No one ever told me, “Frank, you're in school to learn, not to be picked on and tormented. Teasing and abuse are not part of the package, and we won't allow it. We care about you, so if anyone causes you trouble, let us know.”

Here comes that word again:
attitude.
In my case, parents and teachers simply weren't dealing with abuse—if they
were
, it sure wasn't on
my
planet. As far as I, the timid, obedient, little kid, could see or understand, my parents said I had to be there, the teachers implied through inaction that it was okay for me to be tormented, and the unwritten, anti-snitching law among the kids warned me that I dare not tell anybody. I resigned myself to enduring the abusive behavior of the bullies in my life for most of my junior-high and high-school education.

Attitude, attitude, ATTITUDE! We must change our attitudes regarding this sort of behavior. Those in authority need to care, and you should expect them to care. It matters to you, and it should matter to them. Forget about that foolish, childhood code of silence: Speak up. Let someone know what's going on, and ask them—yes,
expect
them—to do something about it. If you're a kid under someone's legal authority, you still have rights as a human being. You deserve to be regarded as God's unique, special creation— because you are!

The same holds true for bullying on the job. If you are being physically, verbally, or emotionally abused at work, speak to your supervisor, and if I may suggest it, make it a matter of productivity and money. If fellow workers are bullying you, help the supervisor to understand that it's keeping you from doing your job effectively, and, therefore, it's affecting the smooth operation of the department. Furthermore, it's going to affect the bottom line. The supervisor isn't going to make his numbers because the crew isn't working well as a team, and it's going to be his rear end in the ringer. Any boss, from supervisor to CEO, wants the business to run smoothly and therefore shouldn't stand for such disruptions.

Speak up. You really don't have to tolerate the abuse any
longer.

So by now you should be ready to
do something!

Yes, it's going to take the right attitude on the part of the boss, the teacher, the parent, the principal, or whoever is responsible for the school or work environment. They have to care. They have to be approachable. But you may have to take the first step, at least be ready to respond when you see an opportunity to bring the abuse to the attention of the proper authorities.

For example . . .

It occurred to me the other day that most gym teachers are athletes or former athletes. They were athletes in high school and in college, they naturally hang around other athletes, and now they're at the center of the athletic program at the school. Consequently, some of these men and women haven't a clue what it's like to be a nonathlete, and their physical education program reflects that: The winners get the points, and the losers fall through the cracks; the athletes enjoy the game, and the nonathletes just want to get out of there.

Despite my small stature as a boy, I always enjoyed physical activity and physical challenges. To this day, I exercise, I work out, I enjoy physical labor, and I relish a brisk walk on the logging trails that run through the mountains around our home. I run around and enjoy life outdoors as much as anybody. I'm just not an athlete. I happen to think that tending a garden for all to enjoy, fixing a machine that performs useful labor, and writing books that minister to millions carry more importance for me than putting on little shorts and passing a bouncing, spherical object through a metal hoop more often than the other guy.

For a nonathletic kid, who is already at the bottom of the food chain at most schools, a big, muscular, gruff-voiced, suck-it-up gym teacher with a tight T-shirt and a whistle around his thick neck is the last person on earth he's going to approach about a bullying problem. At the same time, does the gym teacher really know how it feels to be in a world where he has never, and will never, really fit? How are the two going to relate?