No Kiss Goodbye (21 page)

An only child prays over the bedside of her aged father; maybe once his life light fades out, she will be all alone in the world. A young, pregnant woman cradles her neat bump in her hands, aching for the loss of a father who will never meet his baby. A teenage boy with a mild concussion and a broken wrist wrestles with the guilt that his showing off in his new car has cost his passenger, and best friend, his life. All these innocent people have entered the hospital whole, but they’ve been broken by their loss. Their lives are changed forever. Time will heal their wounds, but their emotional scars will never fade.

My own scars are slashed all over my heart. I can’t always see them, but every time a shocking memory surfaces, the wounds are ripped open once more.

Finally, I stop outside the maternity unit. My fingers shake as I press the release button on the double doors, and without a word, someone buzzes me through. The nurse’s station is vacant when I reach it, and I feel horribly self-conscious as I wait. A busy nurse in blue scrubs approaches me with a friendly smile. ‘Are you looking for someone?’

Her kind face puts me at ease and I manage to return her smile. ‘Ava Cassidy,’ I say.

The nurse shakes her head. ‘I don’t believe we have an Ava Cassidy.’

I stare blankly at the wall behind the nurse.
What the hell do I say now?

She must take pity on me because she pops behind the station and clicks a couple of times on the computer mouse.

‘Silly technology.’ She smiles. ‘I miss the good old days of a pen and paper.’

‘I know, right?’ I say, remembering I haven’t checked my social media in ages.

‘I can’t find anything here, but I’m on my way to the ward, if you want to follow me…I’ll take a look around there for you.’

I follow so closely behind her that I almost step on her heels a couple of times.

‘It’s been a busy day and we’ve had a lot of admissions. Maybe some aren’t in the system yet,’ the nurse continues. ‘Are you a relative?’

I nod.

She must feel as awkward as I do because she quickly fills the silence with small talk. ‘We’ve had so many visitors today that I can’t see straight,’ she says.

I don’t respond. I’m embarrassed as I wonder if that’s her way of calling me a nuisance, but her kind smile is still bright and I decide I’m reading too much into it.

‘Just wait here for a moment,’ the nurse instructs as we reach the sliding doors of a four-bed ward. ‘The doctor is with a patient. I’ll call you when he’s finished.’

She disappears behind some drawn curtains, and I’m once again alone in the hallway. I was used to being the patient and having Ava, and everyone, come visit me. It feels strangely surreal to now be in the very reverse of that situation.

I’m not alone for long. A frantic looking young man races towards me, almost skidding on the finely polished floor. As he grows closer, I realise it’s Adam. I drop my head and stare at the floor as I prepare to face a seriously awkward conversation. I needn’t have worried. Adam sees me, makes brief eye contact, and just as I’m about to say hello, he blanks me and walks straight past. His rudeness is upsetting, but I imagine he’s distraught with worry. Nigel follows shortly behind him. He’s less distracted. He throws a subtle nod my way but also continues to rush past me without a word.

A third man appears in their shadow, but this time it’s me who instigates the ignoring. A nervous twitch causes a vein in my temple to pulse uncomfortably fast. I focus on the same floor tile for so long it begins to sway and bend under my watch, but I don’t dare look up. I can feel warm breath fall on my hair and I almost feel violated. I begin to count backwards from ten. Doctor Hammond’s meditation isn’t working quite so well now.

He’s uncomfortably close now as he reaches for my hand. I jump, hitting my back against the wall. The thud slaps a deep, ugly groan out of me.

‘Oh Christ,’ I yelp looking up to see Mark standing before me.

‘Hello, Laura,’ he says, his voice gritty and sexy as always.

My top teeth dig into my bottom lip.

‘Can we go somewhere to talk?’ he asks.

My head thrashes from side to side.

‘Please, Laura? There is a lot to say.’

‘I don’t want to hear anything you have to say, Mark.’

I stare into his eyes expecting to see hatred, but all I see is pain, and it catches me off guard. He grabs me roughly by the arm and attempts to drag me through a swinging door and into a dark corridor.

‘Please, Laura. It’s not appropriate for you to be here.’ Mark sighs.

I press hard into my feet and lock them against the floor. ‘You can’t bully me as easily anymore,’ I snap.

Mark lets go and I almost fall on my arse, but I gain my balance just in time.

‘I bet you’re surprised to see me walking,’ I snipe. My words are laced with hate.

‘It’s great to see you walking. I was so excited when I heard. It’s real progress, Laura.’

Nigel and his big mouth.
I knew it.

‘I’m really proud of you.’ Mark smiles.

I catch myself smiling back. I love hearing those words from my husband. They resonate deep within my heart, and for a moment, I almost believe him. His eyes sparkle as he watches me stand in front of him. The temptation to drop my guard and wrap my arms around him is overwhelming.
Christ, he’s good.
He’s a more cunning player than I ever thought possible.

‘Where is Nicole?’ I ask, certain the mention of her name will quash how drawn I am towards Mark.

‘She thought it would be best if she stayed at home.’

‘Of course, she did,’ I snarl. Thinking of my children alone with that bitch makes me sick.

‘She thinks we need time on our own to talk about everything.’ Mark softens.

‘There’s nothing to talk about. I told you,’ I spit. I’m lying. There’s a multitude to talk about, but what’s the point. Mark will just lie to me, and I’ve lost the will to entertain any more bullshit. ‘You stole my life and gave it to that bitch. What more is there to say?’

‘No, Laura. That’s just not true. I didn’t take anything from you. You are standing before me alive and well; after everything, I’m grateful for that.’

I roll my eyes. It’s the best response I can come up with.

‘Laura, you’re being so unfair. Nicky is a rock. We’d be lost without her. We are lucky to have a friend that considerate.’

‘Do you get lucky with her in bed, too,’ I shout.

Mark backs away. ‘Fuck, Laura! Is that what you really think?’

‘No. It’s not what I think. It’s what I know.’

‘Then you obviously don’t know me at all,’ he says, his eyes beginning to glisten as tears form.

Mark’s pain feels so genuine, but I know I’ll regret allowing myself to believe him.

‘I thought coming home would help you, but I was wrong. You haven’t changed. You still blame me,’ he says.

‘How can I not blame you? You’re having an affair.’

Marks bottom lip curls downwards.

‘Did you think I didn’t know? Is it not working? Is that why you’re here? Do you think we can move on now that you’re finished fucking Nicole?’

Mark’s pale face only irks me more.

‘You tried to kill me, for Christ’s sake. I think we are a bit past a kiss and a hug to make up, don’t you?’

‘Oh, Laura. I didn’t know things were this bad,’ Mark says with his eyes closed.

‘Well, then you’re not just a cheatin’ bastard; you’re thick as a plank, too. ’

‘Laura…’ Mark tries to hold my hand, but my nails scratch him as I jerk away. ‘You know I love you, and I could never hurt you. We’ve been through hell and back; you just don’t remember.’

I toss my head back and stare at the ceiling.

‘Once you remember what’s happened, you’ll wish that the pain you feel
is
because I’m having an affair. Then at least you’ll have someone else to blame.’

What?
I grab the sides of my head with my hands.

Part of me actually believes him. Dammit! On top of everything, now I have a niggling doubt about my theory. I’m
still
afraid of Mark, but that feeling isn’t as strong as wanting him back.

‘I don’t understand,’ I say shaking my head.

‘I know,’ Mark replies. ‘I remember everything you don’t, and I still don’t understand.’

‘Tell me?’ I shout. ‘Please, tell me whatever it is I’ve forgotten. Please. It’s driving me crazy.’

‘Shh,’ Mark whispers as he reaches into his pocket and places something into my hand. ‘Laura, try to calm down. There are sleeping babies here.’

I blush. Seeing Mark has messed with my head, and for a second, I almost forgot where I was. He must sense my unease because he takes a couple of steps back.

‘Just look at it, Laura. Please?’

I glance down. It’s the photograph I destroyed back at Nigel’s apartment. It’s held together with lots of sticky tape, and it wobbles in the middle. I look at the writing on the back. It’s not mine. This time it’s Mark’s penmanship.
Mommy and Daddy’s little princess.

I stare at the words for a long time.
Too long.
When I look back up, I want to tell Mark that I still don’t understand. The photo makes me sadder than I ever thought it was possible to feel, but I didn’t know why. I want Mark to explain. But he’s gone. He’s getting too good at becoming invisible. Just like Ava.

The nurse reappears on the corridor. ‘Did you get lost?’ she asks softly.

I concentrate on folding the flimsy photo and gently push it into my pocket. I don’t want to damage the repair work.

The nurse repeats herself a couple of times, but it’s not until she clears her throat loudly that I give her my attention. She must notice I’m frazzled because she offers me a tissue. I grab it and dab away the patches of water-streaked makeup around my eyes.

‘I’m sorry. I can’t find your friend,’ she explains.

‘It’s okay,’ I find myself saying. It isn’t, obviously, but the energy to argue eludes me now.

‘Perhaps she’s registered with a maiden or married name?’

I shake my head. ‘It’s just Cassidy. Ava Cassidy.’

The nurse asks some more questions hoping to be helpful. She even rings some other wards to try to locate Ava, but I’m too distracted to assist in her search. I’m trying to remember which door Adam and Nigel disappeared through earlier. That will lead me to Ava. I walk away while the nurse is still on the phone.

The ward is quiet. Most of the curtains are closed, and I don’t dare to peek my head around any. I call Ava’s name softly and hope I don’t wake anyone who may be sleeping.

‘Down here,’ I hear Ava’s voice.

I follow the sound to the end bed. Ava sits propped comfortably up with a couple of fluffy, white pillows. She has half a candy shop sitting on her locker and enough Diet Coke to float a small boat. Someone has certainly been looking after her. My cheeks flush realising I haven’t brought her anything. I root in my bag for the bottle of orange juice I took from Nigel’s this morning and add it to her collection of unopened bottles.

‘You look good,’ I lie as I lean forward and kiss her cheek.

She grabs my shoulders and hugs me tight for a long time. I can feel her fear. I know that feeling, and I hold her for as long as she needs.

‘So,’ she says finally letting go of my aching neck, ‘you came anyway. I knew you would.’

I pull a sheepish smile and snort a little. Yes, I turned up at the hospital against her specific request not to, but I know her like the back of my hand. I wouldn’t have come if I thought she genuinely didn’t need or want me here. It’s one of the things that makes Ava such a great friend; she always puts everyone else’s problems ahead of her own.

‘You managed to get here without getting lost then,’ Ava teases. ‘Your sense of direction is improving in your old age.’

‘Yeah, I just seemed to know where I was going. It was really weird, actually.’

Ava drops her eyes to the ground. I shrug off her lack of interest; she has far more on her mind than me turning into a human sat nav.

We chat for a while about how she’s feeling, and I share in her excitement as she shows me the scan picture. I lie and say the baby looks gorgeous even though all I can see is the shadow of her insides and a couple of obscure blobs. I find it hard to play the good friend role when deep down I’m seething with frustration. I’ve so many questions I need her to answer. But she’s pale and her eyes are bloodshot from trying to keep them open. If I leave, then she’ll get some much-needed rest. I have to consider her best interests above my own insecurities. I’ve waited this long for answers. Although another day will feel like an eternity, I’ll just have to wait.

A rare, uncomfortable silence falls over us, and I suspect Ava has something on her mind but she won’t dare say it. I debate whether to tell her I saw Mark. I should warn her to be on guard, but if the news scares her, it could be bad for the baby.

I decide to keep my mouth shut. She risked everything to help me, and now I have to do the same for her. Mark doesn’t scare me as much as before. But maybe that’s an even bigger reason to stand alert. He hasn’t come all this way to tell me that Katie is sleeping through the night. He has an agenda. But New York has been good for my head. I’m in a better place to outwit Mark now.

I need to find Nigel even though I doubt he’ll listen to anything I have to say. I’ve grown to be a thorn in his side, and he’s never tried to hide his misgivings about me. His tuts, sighs, and finally his blind temper are far from a subtle hint that he has learned to detest me. No matter how little value he places on my opinion, he’ll have to listen to me now. He needs to know that Mark has followed Adam and found us.