No Justice No Peace (28 page)

“They’re fine,” I said softly and then walked over to her.

“Then what—

“I’ll tell you about it tomorrow.  Just hold me tonight.  Tell me you love me and convince me that tomorrow will be a better day.”

Before I could take off my clothes and get in the bed with Anna, she stood up, wrapping her arms around me.  She told me she loved me, and afterwards, she lay down with me and held me.  She made me no promises about tomorrow because I guess she knew, as I did, the chances of shit getting better were slim.

RECOGNIZING MY PURPOSE

Chapter Sixteen

The sun was up and it beamed through the window.  When I reached for Anna, she was already out of bed. She must have been cooking because the aroma of maple bacon was in the air. I hadn’t gotten a chance to tell her what had happened, but I prepared myself to tell her everything after I got out of bed.  I still wasn’t sure how to break the news to Desmon, and after his phone call last night, telling him the truth seemed so much harder to do.  I told him to make sure he found his way to the crib after school and he insisted he’d have one of his friends bring him home.

            I stretched my arms far apart and stood up to look in the mirror. The swelling in my eye had gone down, and for the most part, I could finally see.  I still had body aches, but nothing like they’d felt a few days before.

            Taking my time, I slowly made my way to the bathroom.  I freshened up a bit and put my toothbrush in my mouth.  I stood naked and when I finished with my teeth, I gazed into the mirror again.  The look of a tired, weary, and angry Black man stared back at me.  Confused might have described me as well, but I had to follow through with everything I’d planned. Somehow, I had to make a way out of no way.

            As I continued to look in the mirror, Anna walked in and placed her hand on my back.  She rubbed up and down it, and then squeezed my hand with hers.

            “Tell me what’s wrong,” she said.

            “I will.”

            “When?”

            “Give me a minute.”

            “Are you hungry?”

            “Not really.”

            “But, you have to eat something.”

            “I know.  I’ll be in the kitchen in a minute.”

            Anna rubbed my back a little while longer and then walked out.  I finished up in the bathroom, then went into the kitchen to where she was.  She’d cooked some pancakes, grits, bacon and eggs.  It smelled delicious but my stomach wasn’t up for it.  I sat at the table and placed my elbows on my knees.  I looked down at the floor and gripped my hands together.

            I spoke in a low voice. “Ginger committed suicide yesterday.”

            Anna stopped in the midst of putting some food on a plate and turned to me. “Kiley, no.  How…Why did she do that?  Don’t tell me because of you and me. For God’s sake—

            “No.  It wasn’t because of our relationship.  She just didn’t want to live no more.”

            Anna walked over and pulled a chair in front of me.  She sat down, took both of my hands, holding them with hers. “I’m sorry.  I know how hard this is going to be for you and Desmon, especially him.  He’s a strong kid though, Kiley.  He’s been through a lot.  And you and I both will help him get through this.  He’s going to need you. You’re his father and…

            I lifted my head and looked Anna directly in her eyes. “I’m not his father, baby.  Ginger lied.  For all these fucking years, she lied, baby.  Now, I got to tell him—

            Anna frowned and I had never seen her look so serious. “You will tell him no such thing!  He’s been through enough, Kiley.  All he’s ever known is you as his father and that’s all he’s going to ever know.  I can’t believe Ginger would lie about something like that.  It just doesn’t make sense.”

            “Well, she did lie.  We look so much alike that I really hadn’t given it much thought until somebody brought the issue to my attention.”

            “You both do look alike.  She probably just made that story up to hurt you even more. I wouldn’t believe that mess for one minute if I were you.”

            “You might if you see who she says is Desmon’s father.”

            “What’s his name?”

            I stood up and walked to my room to get Myles picture. It was hidden away in the pocket of my leather jacket so no one would see it.  When I went back into the kitchen, I gave the picture to Anna.  She gazed at it, and then, looked at me. “So what, baby.  You really can’t tell much by looking at this picture.”

            “Anna, spare me. You know damn well that there are some resemblances.”

            “Yes there are, but like I said before, Desmon looks like you as well. Why mess up a good thing?  Nobody ever has to know.”

            I sat back down in front of Anna.

            “So you don’t think I should tell him?”

            “No.  Never.”

            “What if he finds out?”

            “How?”

            “I don’t know.  Anything is possible.”

            “Don’t tell him.  If he ever finds out, hopefully, he’ll be old enough to understand.”

            I nodded.

            There was silence.  Anna took my hands again and lifted my chin as I continued to look down at the floor. “I hate to ask you this,” she said. “And I know how angry you can get at times, but you didn’t hurt Ginger after she told you about not being Desmon’s father, did you?”

            I was surprised that Anna would ask me something like that. Did she think I was some kind of mad man or what? “Do you really think I would do something like that?  How could you ask me—?

            “Baby, I know how angry you can get.  Maybe you don’t know, but I’ve seen with my own eyes. It doesn’t make sense that Ginger would so something like that, that’s all.”

            I gave Anna a hard stare. “I don’t care what you’ve seen, and when you get done talking, Ginger was a drug addict. Her mind wasn’t right and when you’re on that shit, ain’t no telling what you would do.  I would have never taken the mother of my child’s life, especially, knowing how much pain it would cause him.” 

            Anna didn’t respond.  She looked away, but continued to hold my hands. “Are you afraid of me?” I asked.  “If you think I just go around killing people because I get a kick out of it then you must be afraid of me.”

            She looked at me. “I’m very afraid of you. I’m afraid for us and I’m afraid for Desmon.  More than anything, I’m afraid that something might happen to you.  You live a dangerous life, Kiley.  Sometimes, I really don’t think you realize how dangerous it is.”

            “First of all, you never have to be afraid of me.  I would never hurt you.  Sometimes, I’m afraid too.  Not for myself because I’m not afraid to die.  I am, however, afraid for those who are around me.  I feel as if I have to protect y’all, and when things happen, as they did in the past, I just go crazy because I feel as if I’ve let my loved ones down.”

            Anna leaned forward and gave me a hug.  I rubbed the silkiness of her robe as I embraced her back.  She asked me again if I wanted something to eat, and still realizing the difficult task of telling Desmon about Ginger, I declined. 

            Around five o’clock, I sat quietly in the living room when Desmon had finally made it home.  Anna had left about an hour ago so that we could have some time alone.  He came rushing through the door with his duffle bag on his shoulder. He dropped it in the foyer and looked into the living room at me.  He held his hands far apart from each other.

            “Look, man!” he yelled. “Do you notice anything different about me?”

            I looked him up and down and noticed his splint had been removed. I slightly smiled.  “You just couldn’t wait, could you?”

            “Nope,” he said, strutting into the living room.  He took a seat in the chair across from me.  I gave him a long hard stare, as I wanted to see myself in him so badly.  I’d been comparing him to Kareem all along, but maybe it was my way of dealing with the pain of missing him so much.

            “What you staring at?” he said, looking behind him. “Do you see a ghost?”

            “Na, I was just thinking.”

            “You always thinking.  I told you before and I’ll tell you again, you got issues. Big issues.”

            I was silent.  Desmon thought I didn’t want to be bothered so he stood up and said that he was going to his room.

            “Sit down for a minute,” I rushed to say.  “I need to tell you something.”

            He sat back down. “I hope everything cool.  We been getting along pretty good and it’s a miracle that I haven’t had to put you in your place,” he joked.

            “I’ve enjoyed my time with you, too.  You have no idea how much these several weeks have meant to me. I hope we can continue to have a father and son relationship that gets stronger and stronger by the day.”

            “We’ll see,” he said, smiling and nodding his head. “Living with you ain’t as bad as I thought it would be. I just might decide to stay the summer with you, who knows.”

            “How about just staying the rest of your life with me?”

            “Man, Ginger wouldn’t like that.  I got to share the love, don’t I?  Besides, who wants to live with you for the rest of their life? I hope to have my own crib someday.”

            “You know what I mean.  I want you to stay with me, until you’re capable of making it on your own.”

            “I hear you.  But I ain’t gon be in the middle of you and Ginger arguments about…”

            I lifted my hands, placing them behind my head. Desmon kept talking, but I cut him off. “Desmon, I’m sorry.  But, Ginger…Ginger ain’t here no more.  She committed suicide yesterday.  I found her body when I went to her place, after I dropped you off.”

            He paused, and took a hard swallow. “She what?” he shouted, then chuckled.  “Committed suicide? She…she wouldn’t do nothing like that.  Stop lying, man.  You just want me to stay with you.”

            “I wouldn’t lie about nothing like that, Desmon.  I’m sorry—

            “This is bullshit!” He hopped up. “I’m going home.  Take me home, nigga!”

            “I can’t,” I said, as I watched him about to lose it.  He picked up the phone on the table and dialed Ginger’s number.

            “I’m gone have her come get me,” he said, waiting for her to answer. “I’m through fucking with you Kiley. After this, I’m through fucking with you!”

            I stood up and slowly walked up to him.  I place my hand on the phone to take it off his ear and he snatched it away. “Move,” he yelled.  He hung up and dialed the number again.  I stood in front of him and said nothing, as there still was no answer. “Damn,” he said, getting ready to dial the number again. I snatched the phone from him, and as I was about to put it on the table, he pushed the side of my face. My head turned.

            “I hate you,” he started to cry. “I swear to God I hate you!”  He quickly made his way to his room.  I followed and watched as he gathered his things as if he was getting ready to leave.

            “I can’t believe you would do me like this,” he said, slamming his shoes into a duffle bag.

            “That’s because I wouldn’t.  I don’t know why Ginger did what she did, but I ain’t going nowhere.  I’m here if you need me. Always.”

            “Well, I don’t,” he said looking at me with tears pouring down his face. He stopped stuffing his bag for a moment, picked up his football and threw it into the glass mirror on his bed.  The entire glass shattered and crashed to the floor. “I wish I was dead!” He yelled. “I wish I was never fucking born!”  I felt his hurt and tried to stay as strong as possible for his sake. “I don’t need nobody.! No damn body!  I’m tired of being fucked over!  What did I ever do to deserve parents like this?”

            “Nothing.  We just fucked up, Desmon, and it had nothing to do with you.  I promise to make it right.  You have my word that I’m not giving up on you…on us.  Just let me be the best father I can be to you.”

            “Promise?” he yelled in a high pitch.  He darted his finger at me over and over again as he spoke, “You promised when I was a kid that you’d never leave me, you’ve been promising for months that this shit was gon some day work out, Mama promised that she would never fucking leave me, but so much for that, huh?  Not once have either of you lived up to your promises!  I don’t understand why y’all fucking brought me in this world to begin with!  If you wasn’t gon take care of me, then you should have left my ass where I was!”

            I walked further into the room and all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around him.  I’ll be damned if he didn’t say the same things I said to Papa Abrams when he’d told me about my mother.  Even though she’d hurt us by being the mother she’d chose to be, it was still a devastating blow because Kareem and I both knew she could never be replaced.

            “I feel your pain,” I said, walking towards Desmon.

            “Oh, you don’t have a clue!”

            “Yes, I do.  Your grandmother, my mother, left here the same way Ginger did.  I was even younger than you, but Papa Abrams told us to be strong, and said that no matter what, we’d all make it.  He was much like me, and the days, months, and years following my mother’s departure, I made it because of him.  Now, I made some mistakes, but every time I did, I always had him to turn to.  What I’m saying man is, I can’t turn back the hands of time, but I’m here for you now.  For as long as I’m allowed to breathe on this earth, I am your father and that’s who I will forever be. All we got now is each other and we have to make the best of it.”