No Child of Mine (63 page)

‘I’ll just feign surprise that I didn’t tell them, and say I felt sure I did. It won’t be difficult, I promise you. People over there aren’t nearly as inquisitive or judgemental as people are here, you’ll see. They’ll take you and Ottilie straight to their hearts and in no time at all you’ll be just like one of us. And think of the life you can give her there. She’ll be safe and loved and grow up knowing that she
matters more to us than anything else in the world. Doesn’t she deserve that, after all she’s been through? And don’t we deserve to be together after all the years we’ve been apart?’

Even if her mother’s arguments hadn’t been so compelling, Alex knew in her heart that terrified as she was of going through with it, the alternative was non-negotiable, not for her own sake, but for Ottilie’s. Either way for Alex, whether she was caught now, or at any time in the future, there was no doubt she would end up in prison. At least this way she was giving Ottilie a chance to be with the only two people she loved and trusted, without having to be anxious, or afraid, or hurt in any way again.

And if she was going to go along with the signs her mother was pointing out, and accept that they really were destiny at work, then she couldn’t ignore perhaps the biggest sign of all – that Gabby had married a man with the surname of Lake. This meant that Phoebe’s passport might possibly be usable for Ottilie. The only problem had been how to get hold of it, but even that hadn’t proved difficult, because when Alex had driven down there last week Gabby had been called to the school to collect Jackson who’d felt unwell. So, presented with a golden opportunity to search for the passports, Alex had tracked them down and when she’d found them her heart had given an unsteady beat of shock. Not only was the surname in their favour, but it turned out that Phoebe’s passport had been issued two years earlier, when she was three. And thanks to her dark hair she and Ottilie really weren’t so unalike.

She still felt terrible for ‘borrowing’ the passport – she couldn’t bring herself to think of it as stealing – but she kept reminding herself that when Gabby discovered it was missing it would be the easiest thing in the world for her to apply for another. As for what Ottilie would do for one in the future, well, they’d worry about that then. Their biggest concern now was getting her through airport security under the name of Phoebe Lake.

This was presuming they made it to the airport at all.

*

It was the morning of their departure. Ottilie was already in the car, singing a nursery rhyme to Boots as she tried to belt herself into the seat Anna had bought during a shopping trip to John Lewis a couple of weeks ago. She also had a trendy new buggy now, a few friends for Boots, and a very cute wardrobe of clothes.

Anna was outside with her, doing her best to fit the luggage in the boot, while Alex made a last-minute check of the house, wanting to be sure they hadn’t left anything behind, particularly anything that belonged to Ottilie.

Tugging her mobile from the back pocket of her jeans as it rang, she felt her heart catch as she saw Anthony’s name and clicked on.

‘Hi,’ she said, doing her best to sound casual and cheery. He’d rung a couple of times since the day she’d seen him at Maggie’s, the first to find out how the showdown with her bosses had gone; the second to commiserate with the findings that had ended in her losing her job. ‘Your timing is less than perfect,’ she reminded him teasingly. ‘We’re just about to leave.’

‘I thought you might be, so I’m calling to wish you bon voyage.’

Touched and surprised, she said, ‘That’s very kind of you, thank you.’

‘In fact,’ he went on, ‘I could possibly do a little better than that and come to the airport to say it in person. What time is your flight?’

Starting to panic, Alex said, ‘Uh, four fifteen, I think. My mother’s in charge of it all, but honestly, you don’t need to do that. We’re already running late, so we’ll probably have to whizz straight through and I’d hate for you to have a wasted journey.’

Sounding slightly crushed, he said, ‘OK, I guess I’m a bit late with the suggestion anyway, and I know how stressful long hauls can be. Have you ever flown that far before?’

She laughed, as much with relief as nerves. ‘I’ve only ever been as far as Spain, where I went with a group of friends to celebrate our graduation.’

‘Then you’re in for quite an experience. Are you stopping off anywhere?’

‘Only to change planes, otherwise we’re going straight through.’

‘Well, I hope it all goes smoothly, and they’ve got some good inflight movies.’

‘Actually, we’ve bought a portable DVD player,’ she told him, not adding that it was mainly for Ottilie, ‘so hopefully we’ll be well entertained.’

‘Good. OK, I guess I’d better not hold you up any longer. Take care of yourself, won’t you, and stay in touch.’

‘I will,’ she lied, while wishing desperately that she could, but she couldn’t, and now really wasn’t the time to start reading things into his friendship. Even if he was interested in her, which was highly unlikely, she’d just have to accept that it wasn’t meant to be and get on with her life.

Things happened that way at times, she reminded herself sadly as she carried on checking round the bedroom. Opportunities came up, paths crossed, stars aligned, and depending what else was going on in a person’s life the chances were seized or let go in ignorance of how they might have affected the future. So many things in her life could have turned out differently if she’d had some kind of insight into how her actions were going to impact on her later, or if she hadn’t rushed into decisions without thinking them through. It was the same for everyone, and just like the rest of the world she had to try to make the best of the circumstances she’d created and hope it all turned out right in the end.

As she looked around the room, and realised she was seeing it for the last time, she was suddenly caught by a powerful wave of nostalgia. For days she’d been trying desperately not to look back, only forward, but now her mind seemed set in that direction. Apart from her first three years, and her time at uni, she’d only ever lived in this house and though she’d thought she was ready to say goodbye to it, she was finding that she might not be after all. She smiled wistfully to herself as a memory of her and Gabby bouncing on the bed as children materialised like a home movie; she could see them cosied up in the window seat listening to their father’s stories, or
raiding their mother’s wardrobe for dressing-up clothes and high-heeled shoes. (Myra hadn’t gone for stilettos in a big way, but she’d always had a couple of pairs, wrapped in tissue and still in their boxes, for special occasions.) She recalled the way she and Gabby used to stick towels up their jumpers to give themselves chests, and paint their mouths with lipstick or red liquorice. She could hear them laughing, shrieking, crying, whispering their secrets; the sound of their footsteps thundering along the landing and down the stairs; their teenage music blaring off the walls drowning out their father’s medieval chants and boring classical stuff.

Suddenly, more than anything, she wanted to be back there where it felt safe and normal, uncluttered by the kind of fear that was troubling her now. Or did she? She didn’t know, she couldn’t tell, because her mind seemed incapable of thinking straight. She was caught between two worlds, trapped like a deer in headlights, unable to go back and afraid to go forward. Even if she were able to return to a time before all this had happened, before she’d known her mother, before Ottilie had come into her life, would she really go? It would mean that Ottilie would still be in that dreadful house with her crazy parents, and her mother would be in New Zealand longing for a daughter she bitterly regretted giving up. And she would still be longing for her mother to come and find her. So maybe their prayers had been answered; life had finally brought her and her mother together, at the same time as it had brought a lonely, frightened and damaged little girl to them too. They were being given the opportunity to rescue her in a way that her mother had never been able to rescue for her, and now, regardless of right and wrong, life was sweeping them along into a future that only it could see.

She took a breath as though to clear her mind, and was about to leave the room when a text dropped into her phone. It turned out to be from Tommy and Jackie wishing her a happy holiday, and telling her not to worry about her car, they’d take good care of it until she came back. Having to swallow a lump in her throat she sent a message back thanking them not only for that, but everything else.
Tommy had fought hard to save her job, and had only given up when she’d asked him to.

He’d been such a good friend and a great boss; she was going to miss him terribly.

Feeling herself drawn to the window she looked out to find her mother staring up worriedly, as though she’d somehow connected with her misgivings. She lifted a hand to give her a reassuring wave, but at that instant she froze as she saw a car coming up the hill.

A fleeting panic crossed Anna’s face as she turned to follow the direction of Alex’s eyes.

Hardly knowing what she was doing or thinking, Alex tore out of the room and down the stairs. By the time she got outside Gabby was pulling up behind Anna’s hire car. Anna was watching her in horror, seeming unable to move. Then suddenly she was stooping over Ottilie speaking words Alex couldn’t hear, and as the rear passenger door closed Alex went to Gabby, trying to stop her coming any nearer.

‘What are you doing here?’ she cried, sounding strangely normal considering the panic she was in.

‘I was afraid I might be too late,’ Gabby replied, coming to wrap Alex in her arms. ‘I know we said goodbye on the phone last night, but when I woke up this morning I realised I couldn’t let you go without seeing you one last time.’

‘Oh Gabby,’ Alex murmured, squeezing her hard. ‘You shouldn’t have driven all this way just for that.’ She hadn’t told Gabby she was going for good – she even had a return ticket, because she had to – but it seemed Gabby had sensed it anyway.

‘I had to come because there were things I should have said last night ... I know I could have called this morning, but then I decided I had to tell you in person.’

Alex looked at her curiously, trying not to show her unease as Anna came to join them.

‘I’m sorry if I’m making you late,’ Gabby said to Anna, ‘this won’t take a moment, I promise.’

‘It’s OK,’ Anna assured her, and giving her a hug she whispered her own goodbye and went back to the car where Ottilie was being as quiet as a mouse.

Bringing her eyes back to Alex, Gabby said, ‘I know I
probably haven’t been the best sister in the world, but I wanted to tell you that I’ve always loved you, and growing up with you has been one of the best things that ever happened to me.’

As emotion rushed to Alex’s throat she tried to speak, but Gabby hadn’t finished.

‘I’m going to miss you more than I can put into words,’ she continued brokenly, ‘and so will the kids, but I think you’ll be happy in New Zealand and that’s all that matters.’

‘Oh Gabby,’ Alex said tearfully, ‘you’re making it sound as though we’re never going to see one another again, but we will, I promise. I’ll come back to visit, and you can come there.’ She had to tell herself it might be possible, in time, or she’d never be able to leave.

Gabby smiled through her tears. ‘Just know that I’ll always be here for you,’ she whispered shakily, ‘and I mean always, no matter what,’ and reaching into her bag she pulled out an envelope. ‘This is for you,’ she said. ‘I always meant to give it to you, perhaps I should have said so before now, but it’s yours and I want you to have it.’

Baffled, Alex looked down at it.

‘It’s post-dated for after the completion, but it’s half the money from the sale of the house,’ Gabby explained. ‘It’s been as much your home as it has mine, so it’s only right ...’ She swallowed hard, but couldn’t go on as Alex started to break down too.

‘You don’t need to do this,’ Alex told her. ‘It wasn’t what your mother wanted.’

‘It was what Daddy wanted, and it’s what I want too.’ She bit her lips as she tried to smile, then casting a quick glance at Anna’s car she turned back to her own.

‘Gabby,’ Alex said, almost unable to bear this.

Gabby looked back.

‘I love you,’ Alex told her.

Gabby tried to smile. ‘Go safely,’ she said. Her eyes remained on Alex’s, then in a voice Alex barely heard she added, ‘Don’t forget to send Phoebe’s passport back when you’re ready.’

As the words hit Alex’s heart Gabby blew her a kiss and got into the car.

Gabby knew
. Somehow she’d guessed and ... And what? What was it going to mean?

Gabby was still watching her as she reversed the car ready to drive away. ‘It’ll be all right,’ she mouthed, and moving off slowly, she started down the hill.

Suddenly Alex was sobbing. She wanted to go after Gabby. She needed to tell her again how much she loved her and how much this meant to her. She wanted to apologise for taking the passport, for putting Gabby in this position. She had to make sure she knew that no matter what, they would always be sisters, but Gabby was already turning into the village.

‘Are you OK?’ Anna asked, coming to put an arm round Alex.

‘Yes, yes I’m fine,’ Alex replied shakily. She’d tell her mother later, it would only alarm her now. ‘It was just harder than I ...’ She took a breath. ‘I should have given her the keys to the house. But it doesn’t matter, I’ll post them through the letter box, the way we arranged.’ She inhaled deeply and turned to look at the Vicarage. It seemed to be watching her with Douglas’s eyes, knowingly, maybe disapprovingly, but always lovingly. ‘I guess I should go and lock up,’ she said, certain if she didn’t do it now she never would, ‘then we can be on our way.’

Anna smiled, but as Alex looked at her she could see the anxiety in her eyes.

There was still a long way to go, and maybe they were only now starting to connect with the enormity of what they were doing.

They were on the plane now, sitting in a row of three close to the back of economy class, with Anna beside the window, Alex on the aisle and Ottilie looking very tiny between them. Her legs barely reached over the edge of the seat, but for her that was good, because she was so proud of her new flashing trainers that she could easily see them each time she lifted a foot to check if the lights had come on again yet. Her other source of fascination was the cabin crew, who were bustling up and down the aisle in smart red uniforms and neat boater hats. Some of them had
paused to say hello and ask about Boots. As always she was holding on to him, though she’d dropped him earlier, as they were leaving security, and because she was asleep on Alex’s shoulder they might not have noticed if an airport official hadn’t picked him up.