No Child of Mine (27 page)

‘I’ll leave you two lovebirds to it,’ Sarah teased, as she pushed her back against the door to go inside. ‘I hope you’re both coming to the pub after, it’s Johnny’s birthday, don’t forget.’

‘We haven’t,’ Alex assured her, ‘he won’t let us.’

Laughing, Sarah disappeared inside, and as Jason’s eyes came to hers Alex felt the heaviness in her heart pulling down her smile. She didn’t want to be alone with him like this, and yet what she really wanted was for him to sweep her into his arms and say he’d made a terrible mistake.

‘Are you OK?’ they both asked at the same time, though in quite different tones. Hers was much more inquisitive and light-hearted, while his was loaded with concern.

‘Yeah, I’m great,’ she assured him, trying to quash his guilt with the implication of
why shouldn’t I be?
‘Everything seems to be going to plan. The audience should start arriving any minute.’

It was impossible to know what he was thinking as he gazed searchingly into her eyes, but whatever it was she realised he’d decided to take his cue from her as he said, ‘I guess it’s still a sell-out?’

Not wanting to be skimming the surface like this, but knowing it would be disastrous to go any deeper, she replied, ‘As far as I know. Mattie hasn’t said any different. By the way, thanks for coming. I don’t suppose it was easy getting away.’

His eyes wouldn’t let go of hers. ‘It was OK,’ he said, as though it was something he was hardly thinking about. Then he added, ‘I’m afraid I won’t be able to make it to the pub after, though.’

Even though she’d expected it the disappointment crushed her, and to her dismay she felt tears burning her eyes. ‘That’s fine,’ she told him crisply. ‘In fact you can go now, if you like. I don’t want you to feel beholden ...’

‘I don’t ...’

‘I’m just saying. I know you want out ...’

‘Alex, don’t do this ...’

‘You’re the one who’s doing it,’ she almost shouted.

He turned his head aside, almost as though she’d slapped him.

She wished she had. At the same time, she wanted to run and run and never stop until she knew he was coming after her – or at least until she’d escaped the misery inside her. ‘I guess everyone will want to know where you are if
you don’t come to the pub,’ she said, trying not to sound terse, ‘so our secret’ll be out. Well, I don’t suppose you particularly want it to be a secret anyway.’

Turning back to her, he said, ‘I want whatever you want.’

Her eyes flashed. ‘Well that’s blatantly not true,’ she declared, ‘and if you’re standing there feeling sorry for me then please don’t. I’m fine, better than fine in fact, because you were right when you said that we just fitted the bill for each other when we met. We both needed someone to help get us past all the stuff that was happening to us then. Now it’s all behind us, it definitely makes sense for us to move on.’

Though he seemed surprised, even hurt by her words, she could tell that he wasn’t quite believing her either, but what did it matter? She’d had enough now. If she stood here with him any longer she knew she’d end up saying or doing something she’d bitterly regret later.

‘Oh, just one thing before we go back in,’ she suddenly blurted, having no idea why she was bringing this up when she didn’t even really want to know the answer. ‘Last Sunday, when you took the children to stay at your mother’s, I guess you were at home really, with Gina?’

Though he didn’t answer, the guilt in his eyes was enough to confirm it, and furious with herself for even going there, she started back into the hall.

‘Wait,’ he said, catching her arm. ‘This isn’t easy for me either, you know. The way I feel about you ...’

‘Has nothing to do with anything,’ she interrupted fiercely. ‘So please let me go. We’ve got a show to put on and after that, I’ve got the rest of my life waiting for me.’

As she went inside she was cringing at her last comment, wanting to take it back, or at least make it sound less ridiculous. But what the hell? She had other things to think about now, and too bad if he wasn’t finding this easy either. He’d get over it, and no doubt a lot quicker than she would. So what? She’d survive. She only had to look at what had happened to her as a child to know that she’d already survived a lot worse.

So just watch me do it again
, she was thinking as he came
in behind her, and immediately she felt glad that she hadn’t blurted that out too.

‘Oh Alex, I don’t know how you stand it,’ Gabby wailed the following day as she came into the house. ‘I still miss them so much, don’t you, and when I look around the place it’s like any minute one of them’s going to walk in the door.’

Passing her a box of Kleenex as she went to pour the tea, Alex smiled tenderly as Gabby blew her nose in an effort to pull herself together.

‘I’m sorry,’ she gulped. ‘I guess you’re used to it, being here all the time, but for me ... I don’t know if I’ll ever be. All our memories are here, aren’t they? Everywhere I look reminds me of something to do with Mum or Dad, or both of them, and us, obviously. And coming past the church just now ... To think of them in the graveyard instead of inside at the service,’ her breath caught on another sob, ‘it seems so wrong, doesn’t it? Neither of them was even that old. I suppose I should just feel thankful they were around long enough to know their grandchildren, at least for a while.’

‘The twins meant the world to them,’ Alex assured her softly. And it was true, their parents had adored Phoebe and Jackson, and she was sure they’d have loved her children too, if she’d had any, though maybe not quite so much. Her father would never have let it show, of course, he’d always been too kind and too canny for that, but for their mother any child of Alex’s would have been just like Alex, at one remove from the actual family, and possibly even tainted by the killer’s genes.

Was that really what her adoptive mother had thought about her? She’d never actually said so, but it was the impression Alex had got, time after time, particularly in her turbulent teenage years.

‘I suppose it’s a bit easier for you,’ Gabby sniffed, ‘being adopted and everything, but I know you loved them, especially Dad. He was really special, wasn’t he?’

‘Definitely,’ Alex agreed, because he had been, in so many ways, especially with his flock who, she’d often suspected,
mattered the most to him. However, she’d never be anything but thankful that she’d grown up with him as a father, rather than the monster whose blood ran in her veins. Chances were she’d never have grown up at all, left to him.

‘I guess all their stuff is still upstairs,’ Gabby said, starting to well up again. ‘I know I have to bring myself to go through it one of these days, but I’m absolutely dreading it.’

‘There’s no rush,’ Alex assured her. ‘It’s not as if it’s going anywhere.’

Gabby sat staring at her hands for a moment, and almost leapt with what seemed like relief as her mobile rang. ‘It’s Martin, I’d better take it,’ she said, and getting up from the table she took the phone into the sitting room and closed the door.

Surprised by her desire for privacy, since she normally talked into her mobile for the world to hear, Alex set about washing the few dishes that had accumulated since last night. No doubt Gabby wanted to share this upsurge of grief with her husband so he could comfort her and remind her that she was still very much loved by him and their children. It would mean a lot to Gabby to hear it, Alex knew that, because Gabby had never been as secure in herself as she tried to make out.

‘You always cope with things so much better than I do,’ she frequently told Alex, more admiringly than grudgingly. ‘I know you never used to, when you were young and always going off on one, but now you’re like really together, at least most of the time, and when you consider where you came from and everything and all you’ve had to deal with ... I don’t think I could have stood it if I’d found out that Mum and Dad weren’t my real parents. It would have totally killed me.’

Alex knew that Gabby had never really understood what it had been like for her back then, and still didn’t, but it hardly mattered, because there was no need for her to understand at any deeper a level than she already did. Besides, there had never been any doubt in her mind that Gabby truly cared about her, and actually thought of her
as a sister in spite of how difficult Alex had been with Myra for a while. There had been times when Gabby had even sided with her in arguments, as though borrowing the nerve to backchat, rant and rebel that hadn’t come to her naturally.

They were close, there was no doubt about that, but they were also very different and Alex couldn’t deny that sometimes she wished Gabby would make things a little less about herself. She’d always want to be supportive to her, that went without saying, and she was definitely interested in everything Gabby did, but there were times, like today, when she wouldn’t have minded Gabby taking a bit more of an interest in her. So far she hadn’t even asked how the show had gone last night (another triumph, everyone had declared as they’d repaired to the pub); nor had she stopped to wonder where Jason was today. She’d apparently taken it for granted that everything was totally chilled in Alex’s world, and that Alex had done whatever was necessary to make sure it was just the two of them for lunch.

Still, to be fair, she hadn’t been here that long, so there was plenty of time for her to surprise Alex with a sudden flurry of interest in Alex’s world. Alex knew all the signs, though. Gabby was gearing up for a long and sentimental stroll down memory lane before finally coming to the real reason she was here. And once that was dealt with she’d probably have to go rushing back to see to Martin and the kids without even realising that she’d totally forgotten to ask Alex how she was, or what news she might have.

‘Everyone’s fine,’ Gabby declared, dabbing her eyes as she came back into the kitchen. As she looked at Alex she sighed heavily and broke into a watery smile. ‘I know I shouldn’t still be getting so upset about Mum and Dad,’ she said, coming to give Alex a hug. ‘I just can’t seem to help it, and you’re always so easy to talk to.’

Hugging her back, Alex said, ‘It’s what sisters are for. So,’ she went on as Gabby went to pick up her tea, ‘I thought we’d go to the pub for lunch, if it’s OK with you. I’ve been so busy this week that I haven’t had time to do a shop.’

‘That’s fine,’ Gabby assured her. ‘It’ll be lovely to see
everyone – we’ll just have to hope they don’t set me off again, saying how much they miss Mum and Dad. You know what they’re like. I suppose they don’t do it so much with you any more, given that they see you all the time. Any chance of a top-up? This one’s gone a bit cold.’

Taking the mug of tea, Alex flipped the switch on the kettle and kept her head down for a moment, waiting for a sudden wave of longing for Jason to pass. There was never any knowing when it would take her, or how painful it would be, she simply had to ride it out and hope that she didn’t become submerged while anyone was around.

Maybe now was the time to tell Gabby.

‘Just now,’ Gabby said, sitting at the table again, ‘you know we were saying that there’s no rush about sorting through Mum and Dad’s things?’

Turning around, Alex forced a smile as she replied, ‘There honestly isn’t. It’s all packed up in our old bedrooms, so it’s not in the way.’

Gabby looked awkwardly down at her hands as she nodded. ‘It’s just that Martin and I ... Well, we’ve been talking, and with the twins at school now and things being the way they are ... Oh God, I feel terrible saying this, but I know you’ll understand ... We thought we ought to put this house on the market so we’d be able to send the children to a private school.’ Still not quite able to look at Alex, she went on, ‘We’ve been trying to find a way of affording it without having to sell, but the fees are so high, and well, I think it’s what Mum and Dad would have wanted, don’t you, that it should go towards helping Phoebs and Jackson get a good start in life?’

Alex was reeling, almost buckling. She wanted to protest, to make Gabby understand that she couldn’t lose her home too, not after everything else, she’d go to pieces if she did. Except it wasn’t her home, it was Gabby’s, so she had every right to sell.

‘I’m sorry,’ Gabby said woefully. ‘I can see you’re upset ...’

‘No, honestly, I’m fine,’ Alex assured her, the lie spinning in her head. ‘It’s just a bit of a shock, that’s all, but you’re right, it’s definitely what Mum and Dad would want.’
Myra certainly, though perhaps not Douglas
. ‘It’s – it’s a wonderful idea,’ she heard herself adding.

Gabby’s relief broke into a smile. ‘I was hoping you’d think so,’ she gushed. ‘I told Martin, “She knows our arrangement for her to be there has always been temporary,” and we’ve never charged you any rent, so I expect you’ve managed to save up a really good deposit for a place of your own by now, haven’t you?’ She looked a little hesitant, as though not sure whether she believed that or not, although clearly she wanted to.

Alex didn’t bother crushing her hopes with the truth – that the fifteen hundred or so pounds she’d managed to put aside since their mother had died and she’d no longer had to pay rent would never get her started with a mortgage. It was barely enough for a down payment on a bedsit in the seamier areas of Kesterly. The more desirable town centre, or anywhere in Mulgrove would be completely out of the question.

‘Of course with Jason doing his bit as well I expect you’ll be able to afford somewhere really nice,’ Gabby rattled on. ‘I mean, I realise he’s still got to pay maintenance for his kids and everything, but he earns quite well, doesn’t he? I’m sure he does, because he’s really good at his job, and it’ll be great for you two to have a place of your own. Obviously, it’s been lovely for you here, but it’s all a bit shabby now, and run-down, isn’t it? It needs so much attention ... Actually we were thinking about asking Jason to fix it up before we sold it, but with the way the market is, whatever we put into it now we might not end up getting back later, so what’s the point?’

Because she couldn’t think of anything else to say, Alex gave a shrug as she replied, ‘He’d have been happy to do it. In fact, he talked about it himself only recently. I was going to mention it to you, but well, it doesn’t matter now I suppose.’