Nip 'N' Tuck (28 page)

When I lie against him, breathing hard, the pang of happiness in my heart almost feels like grief. For a split second I think I’m going to weep. It’s so romantic it should be in black and white, really.

‘But no irritatingly insipid pet names for each other in public, okay?’ I say, breathlessly, biting back tears. ‘No nauseating baby-talk ever, okay?’

‘Okay, my iddy-biddy pussy-wussy.’ Sliding down my body, his tongue flicks and licks from one breast to the other. My nipples are so erect I could pick up the World Service.

‘Don’t you know it’s rude to talk with your mouth full, you big Irish bastard?’ I pant, effused with a fledgling, shimmering joy.

When he looks back at me, his eyes are tinged with an impish light. ‘So, what do you want to do now?’

‘Well, I thought I might turn forty.’ I flick the door closed with my foot – but feel another door opening. ‘Now … where’s that dimmer switch?’ I reach for the bedside lamp.

Cal stays my hand. He then utters the five nicest words in the English language: ‘Leave the lights on, Lizzie.’

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Thanks to all the first-draft endurers: Peter Straus, Nikki Christer, Mari Evans and Suzanne Baboneau, and especially to Alison Summers for her warm encouragement and editorial perspicacity, and to Geoffrey Robertson for his perspicacity and (very important for an investigative satirist this) – knowledge of the laws of libel.

Thanks also to:

– Ed Victor, the Ed-ocet missile of agents.

– Beauty guru Jo Fairly who taught me that father time, while he may be a great healer, sure ain’t no beauty therapist.

– Simone Hugo, for slaving over a hot keyboard.

– My doctor buddies, Robert Lyenham and Iain Hutchison who taught me the best way to give breast augmentations to a man while he’s under partial anaesthetic. They even taught me how to spell anaesthetic.

–And thanks to all my girlfriends, Aggie, Victoria, Penny, Jan, Susie, Jean, Jenny, Cara, Liz, Ange, Mimi, Michelle, Kate, Catho and co., who agree with me that if Barbie’s so popular, then why do we have to buy her friends?

P.S. Iain Hutchison, a maxillofacial surgeon, runs a charity called ‘The Facial Surgery Research Foundation Saving Faces’ which funds research to improve treatment for patients with cancer, disfigurement and injuries affecting the face. So if you’ve got a few bucks, feel free to hurl them his way at: Saving Faces, PO Box 25383, London NW5 2FL. To find out more visit
savingfaces.co.uk
or email
[email protected]
.

About the Author

Kathy Lette
first achieved
succès de scandale
as a teenager with the novel
Puberty Blues
, which was made into a major film and a TV mini-series. After several years as a newspaper columnist and television sitcom writer in America and Australia, she wrote ten international bestsellers including
Mad Cows
(which was made into a film starring Joanna Lumley and Anna Friel),
How to Kill Your Husband and Other Handy Household Hints
(recently staged by the Victorian Opera, Australia), and
To Love, Honour and Betray
. Her novels have been published in fourteen languages around the world. Kathy appears regularly as a guest on the BBC and Sky News. She is also an ambassador for Women and Children First, Plan International and the White Ribbon Alliance. In 2004 she was the London Savoy Hotel’s Writer in Residence. In 2010 she received an honorary doctorate from Southampton Solent University.

Kathy lives in London with her husband and two children. Visit her website at
www.kathylette.com
and on Twitter @KathyLette.

Also by Kathy Lette

The Boy Who Fell to Earth

Men: A User’s Guide

To Love, Honour and Betray (Till Divorce Us Do Part)

How to Kill Your Husband (and Other Handy Household Hints)

Dead Sexy

Nip ’n’ Tuck

Puberty Blues

Altar Ego

Foetal Attraction

Girls’ Night Out

Mad Cows

The Llama Parlour

TRANSWORLD PUBLISHERS
61–63 Uxbridge Road, London W5 5SA
A Random House Group Company
www.transworldbooks.co.uk

NIP ’N’ TUCK
A BLACK SWAN BOOK: 9780552775953
Version 1.0 Epub ISBN 9781409043287

First published in Great Britain
in 2001 by Picador,
an imprint of Pan Macmillan Ltd
Black Swan edition published 2012

Copyright © Kathy Lette 2001

Kathy Lette has asserted her right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

This book is a work of fiction and, except in the case of historical fact, any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

Addresses for Random House Group Ltd companies outside the UK can be found at:
www.randomhouse.co.uk
The Random House Group Ltd Reg. No. 954009

2 4 6 8 10 9 7 5 3 1