Nine Lives (12 page)

Chapter Fifteen

No Rest For The Wicked

Faith

Laina got locked up. Again. Now I’m stuck in this house, pregnant, with no one to talk to but Harley, who insists my only option is to kill my baby. That’s not gonna work. I need to tell Hunter and Willow what’s going on. They’re my only chance to fix this. Mom’s barely speaking to me, only barking at me about prenatal exam dates and asking why I would purposely do this. I want to scream, “Yes, Mom. I purposely let my sister’s disgusting boyfriend rape me and now I’m going to blame it on my boyfriend because my stupid family doesn’t trust me. It was all part of my evil plan! You got me.” Instead, I just shrug and walk away. Do you think it occurs to her that she was a teen mom too? Of course not.

Laina called earlier and told me she’s starting to feel bad about what we did to Dad. I’m not sure if I believe her or if she really means it. I guess getting taken away from everything you know could change your mind. Maybe being locked up makes her realize what we did to him? That’s the problem when you lie, no one is sure if they can believe you. I think she’s being sincere, but I can’t be sure. And right now I have my own problems. I wish she was here to talk to.

She’s having problems with Tyler. She told me he said he’s sick of dealing with our “crazy family” and that he doesn’t want to be with someone he has to sneak around for. That’s my big fear with Hunter. I’m hoping Willow will talk sense into him after they find out about the baby. I know she likes me. I’m just not sure how she’ll feel about this. It’s not like Hunter’s my age. He’s twenty-two. Dad was only eighteen or something when they had Hope. It’ll be okay. I wish I knew who to pray to on this. That’s my one regret, losing my faith. I have no idea what I believe anymore. About anything. Or what to do.

What I have decided is that I need to do what’s right. Today, I’m meeting with Juliet. She’s our family social worker. She comes every week and meets with Mom. She’s always trying to talk to me. Usually, I blow her off. Today, I’m going to tell her what we’ve done. I want to see if she thinks I should be going to the police station with this. Laina says she wouldn’t mind, that she’d back me up. I can’t keep living lies while trying to figure out what to do about this baby. I want to be a good mother and good example to this kid, if that’s even possible.

The crazy thing is that without Laina around, I actually miss my father. He’d know what do. While I never agreed with him, he at least always had a plan. Mom doesn’t seem to know how to make a decision. The only one she seems to have made is that she hates me and wants me out of the house. She already got her wish with Laina. I’m next. She said to me today, “If you’re so into Hunter and you think he’ll be such a great dad, go live with him and Mrs. Rounds. I’m sure she’ll be happy to raise your child.”

I wish she could at least be proud of me for not doing what Harley wants me to do. I mean, I grew up in a house with pro-life picket signs. I could be rebelling against that too. Instead, I’m going to be the village idiot, walking around at fourteen with a basketball stuffed up my shirt. Thank God she doesn’t make me go to church anymore. I can’t imagine what the old ladies would say now. Hypocrites. That’s how the Catholic church is. They tell you not to kill your baby, but judge you for getting pregnant in the first place. They wonder why they lose people every year. I wish I could find a religion where they accept you for who you are. Isn’t that supposed to be the whole point? That’s how I know it’s got to be a Goddess up there in the sky. A Goddess would understand. A man-god created the Catholic church. That’s why they only let priests run everything. And look how that turned out. Christ, half of them are actually doing the things we accused Dad of.

Juliet is here. I want to chicken out. I have time. I could change my entire plan. I hear her and Mom in the kitchen, like old friends. Mom’s making her tea. If I stay here, locked in the bathroom, I can avoid her all together. Maybe I’m just not ready to do the right thing. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to. I debate with myself as I reach for another pregnancy test. Maybe this one will come out different. Maybe the others are wrong.

Five minutes and one plus sign later, Mom’s calling me. “Faith? Juliet wants to talk to you. Are you done with your shower? Did you set the timer?”

“Coming, Ma,” I say, rolling my eyes. I didn’t even take a shower. I toss the test in the trash next to the toilet. No need to cover it up. Everyone already knows I’ve ruined my life.

“Hi, Faith,” Juliet says, smiling at me. “I’d like to catch up. Would you mind?”

I join Mom and her at the kitchen table, and I don’t miss it when Juliet motions with her eyes for Mom to go away. Mom stands abruptly as Juliet fumbles with something in her purse. She mumbles something about her cell phone and gadgets. How she forgot to turn them on or off.

“So, I heard your news and wanted to see how you were doing with things,” Juliet says.

I shrug, unwilling to pour my heart out to her just yet.

“Have you come to any decisions about what you want to do?”

“We don’t kill babies,” I say, surprised at the passion in my own voice. Instantly, I wish I could take back the “we” part. There is no “we” in the Nelson family anymore.

“Oh, I wasn’t suggesting—”

“Good.”

“I think what I’m asking is, do you have a plan for your baby?”

“What do you mean, a plan?” I ask, wanting to choke her. Christ! I’m fourteen! What do you want from me, lady? I refuse to give the baby up if it’s Hunter’s. I want to abort it yesterday if it’s not. But there’s no way to know, and I can’t tell her that. And let’s face it, I’m lying to myself. I’m haunted by Mom’s stupid abortion posters.

“Well, actually, what I was originally trying to ask you about is that I heard about Slash being inappropriate with you and wanted to see where you were with that,” Juliet fumbles.

“I have no plan for the baby yet. I just know I’m keeping it. As for Slash, I just want to forget about it at this point,” I say, hoping she will too.

“Okay, well I need you to know that I’m a mandated reporter. That means that I have to—legally and ethically—make a report to the state if Slash in any way touched—”

“He didn’t touch me. He just tried to kiss me. I walked away,” I say, not sure I’m so ready to commit to this diluted, untrue story but feeling cornered. I look down at my arms, tucked beneath the kitchen table.

“And when did this happen?”

“It was a while ago. Like six weeks or something. It’s over now and I have no plans of going back to Sadie’s unless Slash isn’t home,” I say, then, hoping to change the subject, add, “I have more important stuff to worry about now.”

Juliet looks up from her notepad. She nods and sighs. “Yes, I suppose you do. I know you aren’t comfortable with therapists, but I’d love it if you felt like you could talk to me about anything that might be bothering you. Your mother’s pretty worried about you and—”

“I’m okay. I just have to figure out how to tell Hunter and his mom,” I say.

“Is that something I could help you with?”

I tell her no, I want to tell them on my own time. We talk for another hour about everything from how I’m doing in school to my long and short-term goals. I wonder, at least a hundred times, if she realizes I’m only fourteen. I don’t exactly have my life mapped out. The entire time, I watch the clock behind her. She will be gone in ten minutes. It’s now or never.

“Juliet?” I pause. “There’s one more thing I wanted to talk to you about.”

She puts down her pen and looks me in the eye. She fumbles in her purse again, to check the time on her phone, I suppose. A slight smile worms across her lips. I ignore it.

“I talked to Laina today and she and I are feeling sort of guilty,” I say. My heart is beating so loud I am sure she can hear it. I look down the hallway to be sure Mom’s busy with Jeremiah and Mary. They’re watching a movie together and not paying attention. Shocker.

“The things with Dad. If they weren’t totally, entirely true, what would we do about that?” I finally ask.

“What do you mean?”

***

The nature of regret is that it escalates. Once I start pouring mine out, I can’t stop. Two hours and a short car ride with Juliet later, I’m like an open book. Slumped in a plastic chair with an unopened bottled water in front of me, I’m bawling my eyes out, telling the police every detail I can think of to help them understand that Laina and I made it all up. I’m glad Laina’s more than an hour away. She’d kill me. I’m begging them, crumple-faced and sobbing, to let my dad out of jail, or at least, to let me go see him and apologize. The officers just stare at me, writing things down, and asking me who put me up to this. Juliet holds my hand, urging me to continue and telling me to take deep breaths, but it does nothing to calm me down. In only a few hours, I’ll be doing the same thing in Willow’s living room, praying Hunter will still love and accept me. Begging them to give me and my baby a home. Thank God Laina’s locked up. She’d kill me.

Chapter Sixteen

Be Not Afraid

Hope

“I need you to slowwwwww down, Faith,” I press my ear into my phone to try to understand her. Her sobs make it impossible. “Hunter said what?”

Her response is garbled, but I can tell by her tone it’s not good. What did she expect? No twenty-two-year-old kid is going to be happy about getting his even younger “girlfriend” pregnant. The kid’s probably more worried about going to jail than what will happen to Faith and the baby. “Listen, I can’t really understand you. Do you want to call me back when it’s easier to talk?”

“No. I…n-need to talk to…y-you,” she stammers. Her voice is whispery, almost anemic.

“Okay, breathe. Take deep breaths and start over. I’m right here and not going anywhere. There’s no rush, Faith.” I try to remember her as a little kid. Her long blonde hair flowing behind her on the tire swing in our yard. The way she liked to draw on her dolls and color their hair with permanent markers. It seems like just yesterday, and the thought of her having a baby already seems impossible.

It takes her nearly two hours to tell me that Hunter and Willow have not only demanded a paternity test, but told her that she is no longer welcome in their home. Willow is convinced she got pregnant on purpose to trap her only son, and Hunter’s not far behind her. Willow is freaked out about what could happen to her only child if Faith’s really carrying his baby. I’m not sure I blame her, but so much for Faith’s “perfect mother” image of her. Is there really even such a thing? I’m also not sure it helps that she even told Hunter she and Laina lied about Dad. Her timing could have been better. But at least that’s out in the open now. What a horrible time for Faith to have a “come to Jesus” moment about Dad. I can hardly contain my excitement when she informs me that she’s also told the police. Shut up, Hope. Let her talk.

“I’m just sick of all of this. I needed to do the right thing,” she says. I’m proud of her, finally recognizing the sister I grew up with. Maybe there’s hope, I tell myself. I’m dying to get off the phone to call Mom to see what will happen with the case now that Faith’s officially recanted her story. Her bravery in doing that makes me stay on the line.

I make dinner, juggling kids and boxed potatoes while Faith yammers on and on about the life she’d had planned for her and Hunter, how it’s all ruined now and how there’s no one left for her in New York. I beg her not to have an abortion, which she is now considering on the advice of some friend of hers. It doesn’t make sense to me; Faith has always been pro-life, even with her weird witchcraft stuff. It’s got to be hard though, being only fourteen and pregnant.

“I just need to make this all go away. I need to make this disappear,” she says. “I wish I was never born. Why would my kid want to be born?”

It’s only when David walks in that it clicks. Why does she have to be in New York? She could move to Iowa and get a fresh start. She’d be out of the house and could live with us during her pregnancy. Then, after she has the baby, she could stay here, with new friends and a second chance. She could put the baby up for adoption and nothing bad would ever come of it. At the very least, she’d give Mom a break and maybe I could work on her to stop with that cutting nonsense. I eye David, who’s on his second swipe of broccoli from the steamer. I mouth, “I’ll be off in a sec,” and he winks at me. I swallow my guilt for what I’m about to propose.

I fill David in on the phone call while we eat. He reminds me not to make her problem my problem, warning me that my health and our kids are the most important thing. He says he’s glad we moved to Iowa, where we are away from the drama. I find myself defending Faith, not exactly something I had planned. I decide now isn’t a great time to ask him to consider offering to adopt her child, or at the very least, take her in. There’s plenty of time for that. I can’t see him agreeing to let her come live with us right now, not with the mood he’s in. I’m glad when he leaves after dinner to shower. On second thought, if we did take her, would she accuse him next? Maybe not.

I wash dishes, debating when to call home. I want to wait until Mom has Jeremiah and Mary in bed. With Faith recanting her allegations against Dad, I wonder if it means he will be released. I know the system doesn’t work that way, but I wish it did. I still can’t understand how he was even convicted in the first place with no physical evidence. I wonder whether or not I should approach Mom with the idea of taking on Faith. Maybe David’s right, maybe the best thing is to stay out of it. I can’t help wanting to help. I need to help. I need to understand. None of this makes sense, and I can’t stand doing nothing about it.

Earlier today, I went to visit our parish priest. I told him what was bothering me. I asked him how God can continue to play so many games with my family and how my sister could be pregnant when, here I am, desperately trying to grow my family and mourning the loss of a baby. “Why would God take my child away but give her one she doesn’t even want?” I asked. At what point am I just plain stupid for believing in some “greater cause” when the reality is that life’s just not fair? He had no good answers. I miss Father Patrick. I miss home.

Mom’s just as bad at sitting around doing nothing as I am. I almost drop my phone in the soapy water as my ringtone screeches for my attention. I call up to David, asking him to watch the kids while I take an important call and lock myself in the downstairs bathroom. I don’t wait for, nor hear, his reply.

“I was just thinking of you,” I say, breathless.

“Great minds.” Mom says. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m better. Thanks. I don’t want to talk about that. I want to talk about all this Faith stuff,” I say, worried David will be upset if I spend three hours on the phone. Mom has all the time in the world with Dad locked up, but I still have a husband to pay attention to.

“Okay, but I’m here if you want to talk, you know. You’re still my number one girl,” Mom says.

“I know, Mom, thanks.”

“So, I heard Faith called. Noelle told me. I’m not sure how up to date you are on things,” Mom says.

“Well, unless anything’s happened in the last hour, I think I’m pretty much there. Faith told Hunter, and he and his mom flipped out and pretty much told her never to talk to them again. Seemed pretty harsh, but then again, I heard it second hand,” I say. “She also told me about going to the police to tell them what she and Laina did.”

“Yeah, she’s been busy all right. I think the whole pregnancy thing has her rethinking everything. I don’t know what it is, but I do know it could help your father,” Mom says. “I’ve been trying to get ahold of his lawyer all day but haven’t heard back yet. Faith said she talked to Laina too. She said Laina’s also having second thoughts. But that’s Laina. She’s not getting her way, so she’s coming up with a new strategy. No surprise there.”

“I wish you’d talked to the lawyer. I’m curious to see how this will play out for Dad,” I say.

“My fear is that he’s already been convicted. Sure, there are appeals, and I’m sure new evidence could be brought in, but it’s not like they are going to send him an ‘I’m sorry we got it wrong card’ and let him free right away. Courts take time.” Mom sighs. I’m tempted to interrupt with some sort of reassurance or message of hope. I keep my mouth shut. I don’t want to start lying too. There’s enough lying in our family now. She finally continues, “I knew this would happen to one of them—getting pregnant—if they kept it up. Maybe this is punishment for your father and I for getting pregnant with you.”

“Gee, thanks, Mom. Be serious. I don’t think a baby can ever be punishment. This will work out somehow.”

“Yeah, I know. You’re right. I didn’t mean it like that about you. I don’t know what I’d do without you! You know that. I am surprised, though, that she hasn’t tried to get an appointment to take care of it. That gives me some hope that she’s still in there, not this monster she’s been parading around as. Thankfully, she’s so young she couldn’t get an appointment without my say-so. We both know how that would go. No way would I let her hurt my grandchild, no matter who the baby’s father is,” Mom says. “I just hate that now we’re stuck with this Hunter person and his wacky mother forever.”

I feel brave and desperately obligated to help, all at the same time. “You know, Mom. That doesn’t have to be true. There are so many of us. There’s me. Jada. Joseph. We have our lives together and could take Faith for a while. Help her. Even raise the baby for her if that’s what she—”

“You’d do that?”

“Well, I would. I don’t know about David, but I’d…”

“I hadn’t even thought of that. Of course, I thought of doing that myself. I’m not going to let a fourteen-year-old just try to figure it out on her own. And you know that boy—man—whatever he is isn’t going to be any help,” she says. “But I couldn’t figure out how the heck your father would ever live here again under the same roof as your sister knowing at any moment she could get mad and make up another lie.”

I pray she’s not getting her hopes up. “Don’t get ahead of yourself on Dad yet, Mom. We don’t know how it will work, and I think we all know how screwed up the system is. I think we need to focus on Faith and getting her straight before we worry about what will happen in a year. I was thinking she could stay here, get away from Hunter, all of that. She said she has no friends in New York and that one friend she has is offering to go with her for an abortion. But I haven’t talked to David and…”

“Harley. That poor girl. She’s so confused. Talk about a kid with real troubles. I don’t know how she’s even talking to Faith. A good person, she is, but so confused. Listen, give me a few days. I want to feel Faith out and talk to your father. You might really be onto something here,” Mom says. I wince at the hopefulness in her voice.

“Okay, Mom. That sounds good. I need to talk to David too. See if it’s even a real option. I need it to feel right. I’m a little worried. Well, no. Just…try to hang in there, okay?”

“I’ve come this far, Hope. Who would have thought I’d barely blink to learn my fourteen-year-old was pregnant? I’m almost relieved. It’s like I’ve been preparing for this all along. At least something—a miracle—will come out of all this madness. Maybe it’s like your father always said, things happen for a reason.”