Nikki and the Lone Wolf (14 page)

But she kept breathing. A girl had to do something as he led her off the veranda and down to the pile of stones and the gap in the fence. Breathing was all she could manage.

Horse followed. They stood on the dew-wet grass and gazed at the pile of stones. The moon was just starting to rise over the sea. The wind was from behind them. The long, low house provided them with shelter. The night was…perfect.

‘Where do we start?' Gabe asked.

‘Where your mother left off. Did your father never want it finished?'

‘My father loved my mother in his fashion,' he said simply. ‘He didn't show it. She loved me and she loved her walls. After she died…he hated us both.'

‘That's appalling.'

‘Yes, but it's past time I made my peace.'

‘By finishing the wall?'

‘By more than that.' He hesitated. She could feel things breaking inside him, two sides warring. One side winning? The side she was starting to ache for.

‘By letting go of my ghosts,' he said softly, his voice almost a whisper. Intimate and wonderful. ‘By moving into a future where life isn't grim and harsh. By seeing what's in front of my eyes.'

And his eyes were all on her.

She thought about that for a bit, standing in silence, her hands in his. It felt momentous. But also… It felt simple.

As simple as falling in love?

That was what it felt like. Right now, she was giving her heart.

She thought of the convolutions of falling in love with Jonathan, the sophistry of his courtship, the elegant dinners, opera, amazing weekends in exotic places, horizon pools, butlers, champagne breakfasts.

The lies, deceit, heartache.

For years she'd thought she loved. And yet, here it was, hands linked, nothing more. Nothing to be said while something grew.

He'd made no promises. But this was a start, she thought. And if he was prepared to start…

Her heart wanted to leap into the breach, declare what she was feeling, move forward right now. But there was still wariness in his eyes, as if he expected things to implode.

He was hoping it wouldn't. Hope was wonderful.

She turned into him and tugged him to her. Wanting him close. Just…close.

Nothing more. She held him, her breasts against his chest, feeling her heartbeat merge to his.

The feeling grew. Something huge.

‘I don't know how to do this,' Gabe said simply, holding her close. ‘I've never learned to…let go.'

‘You've been married.'

‘Not married. Joined by a contract to someone I didn't know. And you?'

‘I felt like I was. It was a lie.'

‘Same with me. Nikki…'

‘Mmm?' She tugged away a little, looked up at him in the moonlight. Saw trouble.

‘I don't want to hurt you.'

‘I don't think you can.'

‘If I don't know that myself…' Hesitated. ‘My dad… He did love my mother. He wanted all of her. I'm afraid…'

‘That you're like your father?'

‘Yes.'

‘You're not,' she said simply. ‘I know.'

The wind was rising, swirling around either end of the house, closing in again in the trees beyond. They had this one triangle of peace.

One fleeting moment.

She suddenly shivered, a premonition. He felt it, held her close, tugged her harder against him.

‘There's so much I need to learn,' he said.

‘Me, too. But if I can learn about stone walls, I can learn about you.'

She tilted her chin and pushed herself up on her toes. He caught her face in both hands and kissed her.

Wonderfully.

She felt loved.

That was what his kiss told her. She felt the heat, the aching need, the longing, the sheer want.

The tenderness and the passion, leashed, held under control but only just.

The smell of him…the taste…the feel…

Gabe.

The kiss lingered, stretched out, filled her. She was falling…falling…and it was so easy.

So easy to fall in love.

It was done. Just like that. If he wanted to take her…

No. Not right now. Indignant for lack of notice, Horse whimpered and pushed his great head between them. Gabe released
her and Nikki thought…was there a touch of relief in the way he put her aside?

He'd committed, but only so far. There was still reserve.

Ghosts.

‘No further,' Gabe said and she could have wept with frustration but he was right. If he wasn't sure…

She was sure.

‘Of course not,' she said with as much dignity as she could muster. ‘I…I need to go to bed. I have stone walls to build in the morning. It's all very well for layabout fishermen, taking every tiny excuse of a wee bit of wind to stay in port…'

‘We've a gale predicted by morning.'

‘Pussycat,' she teased and stepped back.

Go slow.

She didn't want to go slow.

And suddenly the muscles she'd forgotten about…ached.

‘You know what I want to do?' she asked.

‘What?' He still sounded wary.

‘Have a bath,' she said. ‘I haven't been brave enough. My pipes gurgle.'

‘Your pipes…'

‘Joe tried to fix them,' she said with patience. ‘He hit them with a spanner. But they still make the most horrific gurgle. You want to come and hear?'

And she saw him withdraw, right there.

Okay, it had been a ruse. She didn't want to go inside and calmly close the door on him. Come inside and see my etchings? Come inside and listen to my pipes?

Corny.

Unwise.

‘I don't think that's wise,' he said, and she shrivelled a bit. Felt…stupid.

She'd kissed him. He'd kissed her back and it was wonderful, but the next step was up to him. His face said it.

This relationship would be on his terms.

Like her relationship with Jonathan. He called the tune.

She felt…a little bit ill.

‘Sorry,' she managed. ‘That was dumb.'

‘Nikki…'

‘No, you're right, standing in my bathroom listening to pipes there's every chance I could jump you. That'd be dreadful.'

‘I didn't mean…'

‘Of course you didn't,' she managed but she thought, bleakly, Gabe had his demons, but so did she. Standing back and waiting for him to decide…

Like she'd stood back and let Jonathan decide for years.

Pushing would get her nowhere. Do damage. Crush a bud that'd had no chance to unfurl.

The problem was that her bud had unfurled and was wide open. She wanted this man in her arms. In her heart.

In her bed?

He'd just said no.

He'd said no to her pipes. Not to bed.

They both knew it was more.

‘I can manage without a bath,' she said with as much dignity as she could muster.

‘I'll check them in the morning.'

‘That's big of you.'

‘Nikki…'

‘No, that was uncalled for. I'm sorry.' She lifted her hand and ran her fingers down his jaw, a feather-touch. ‘I didn't mean to snap. You're being wise for both of us, and that's good. Tomorrow you can call the plumber. Not Joe but not you. You can come to my bathroom when you're ready but not before.'

There was still doubt. She saw it in his eyes.

He wanted her—she could see it, she could feel it, she could almost touch it. But he was…afraid?

‘You're not like your father,' she said as evenly as she could. ‘But I'm not Lisbette, either.'

‘I know that.'

‘You don't,' she said. ‘Otherwise you'd check my pipes for me, right here, right now. Trust me, Gabe.'

‘I do.'

‘No, you don't. And whether you can learn… You can't open yourself a little and protect the rest. That's what Jonathan did. That's what I'm used to and I've moved on. I think…I think I love you, Gabe, but I'm not going to love a man who spends his life protecting his boundaries.'

She stepped back. Hoping he'd stop her.

He didn't and she felt sick.

Feeling bad was dumb. She should give him space.

She had to give him space.

Like she'd given space to Jonathan?

‘Goodnight, Gabe,' she said as firmly as she could. ‘Thank you for a wonderful dinner. Horse and I loved it. See you…see you tomorrow. Come on, Horse, bed.'

 

Why hadn't he taken the next logical step? No, the next instinctive step. The step every part of him except one tiny last shred of pathetic armour was screaming at him to take.

He was every kind of fool.

He'd wanted to pick her up and take her to his bed. As simple as that.

She'd have come. She'd yielded, every sweet part of her pressed against him, wanting him as much as he wanted her. But that scrap of residual armour was screaming that it was way too fast.

He was a loner. A man didn't give away a lifestyle in a heartbeat.

He headed out to the edge of the garden, staring into the dark where the sea was starting to rise in the wind. He was staring into an abyss.

He remembered how he'd felt when his mother died. When he'd realised why Lisbette had married him. When Jem had ceased breathing.

How many times could a man expose himself to that sort of pain?

He wouldn't be exposing himself. This was Nikki he was wanting. Nikki he was falling in love with?

He'd been a loner for most of his life. Why stop now?

Because of Nikki.

But to let that sort of hurt in…

He could be sensible. One step at a time, he told himself. Take it as it comes, don't rush it, leave it so you can back out any time you want.

He had backed out. He'd refused to enter her house, to check her pipes, to do something so simple.

But he knew if he'd walked into her side of the house he'd have stayed there.

In her crazy bed?

A woman like Nikki needed a king-sized bed.

He needed a woman like Nikki.

Not tonight.

Yes, tonight.

No.

She'd walked away and closed her door. She was giving him space and he appreciated it.

He didn't. A man was a fool.

She was probably already running the bath. The thought of her…

He closed his eyes. He was falling…

Step away from the edge.

Tomorrow, he thought. Tomorrow.

How could he learn to trust—to shed that last vestige of protection from pain and gather her against his heart?

If he was wrong… If he hurt her… If they self destructed as his parents had…

It was one step forward and he didn't have the courage to take it.

 

‘I don't want another Jonathan,' she told Horse, sinking onto the hall floor to give him a hug. ‘Oh, but it's hard. How to make him trust me?'

If he didn't trust her there was nothing she could do.

Trust. It was throwing your heart into the ring. He worried that he was like his father. She'd told him he wasn't. She was sure of it.

Because she trusted him.

Maybe she was a fool. Maybe she was heading down the Jonathan path all over again.

Her whole body felt as if it was sensitised, every nerve tingling.

She knew what she wanted.

Not happening.

What to do?

She glared at the wall dividing her place from his. He was so close—and so far.

‘Toerag,' she muttered but she didn't believe it.

But why couldn't he trust her? It hurt.

She felt exposed and vulnerable and a tiny bit stupid.

Okay, a lot stupid.

What to do? Go calmly to bed? Look forward to a nice polite good morning in the porch tomorrow?

Great.

She wanted, quite suddenly, to throw something. Hard.

How immature was that?

‘Forget the pipes,' she told Horse. ‘I'm having a bath. It's the only thing I can think of. A nice hot soak and see if I can get my body to behave.'

And her mind.

Bath. Instead of Gabe.

What a substitute.

‘No matter,' she told Horse and climbed resolutely to her feet and marched into the bathroom.

Don't think of Gabe.

The bath ran beautifully, despite the gurgle. See, who needed a man?

And then…it didn't run beautifully at all.

 

He walked slowly back to the house, hands thrust in his pockets, deep in his thoughts. Glanced up at the house…

Nikki burst out of her door with Horse behind her and headed across the porch to his door. She thumped on his door as if she wanted to break it down.

She was wet to the skin. Soaking.

She was wearing a dripping bathrobe. She was carrying her purse.

She was carrying her car keys.

Horse was wet as well.

‘What the…? What's happened?'

She swivelled and faced the darkness, trying to see him. Her glare made him take a step back.

‘Ask Joe,' she snapped as she focused.
Snapped?
Maybe that was the wrong word. Yelled might be a better description. ‘Don't you ever come onto my side of the house,' she mimicked. ‘Because I might jump you. Instead, you send Joe and he comes and thumps my pipes with his spanner. Sooo useful. Not!'

‘Nikki…'

But she'd barely got started. ‘I ran a bath,' she said, spitting fire. ‘It ran beautifully, even if it did make weird noises. So I hopped in and tried to relax even though I was smouldering. Smouldering, Gabe, and why would I be smouldering? Because someone round here doesn't trust me enough to check my pipes. And the water wasn't hot enough so I wiggled the tap with my big toe and suddenly the whole wall burst. I'm guessing the pipe behind the wall disintegrated.'

‘Uh-oh,' he said. He couldn't think of anything more…wise.

‘Uh-oh is right,' she snapped and he decided saying anything at all had been stupid. Really stupid. ‘Or maybe you can
think of something worse to say. I surely can. Because there's water shooting out all over the bathroom, but that's not all. The bath backs onto my bedroom and that wall burst, too. So my bed's soaked. And my wardrobe, and my dresser. Everything. So I've rung Aggie and I'm going there. You'll have to care for Horse tonight. Aggie's cat doesn't like him. Take his keep out of the amount I intend to sue you for. So it's over to you, landlord. Walk over my threshold and do something about it or phone Joe. Tell him to bring a bigger spanner, and my nine weeks' notice starts now.'