Nightmarish Sacrifice (Cardew) (38 page)

             
Did I really look ashamed? I could see my face like in a mirror inside the gray steely satin of Cardew’s eyes, and they showed me everything was alright, like it was supposed to be; I suppressed my giggle, promising myself to take a long evening out with my boy only, so the two of us would make up for all the laughter we hadn’t had the chance to release on stage.

             
“No, lovely –” Cardew had easily won the battle against the producer and had changed all the places where he had to address me to this special word. “Not anymore –”

             
“A-Adorable? –” I uttered breathlessly when he caught my both hands, bowed to cover them in kisses, and cast me an upward loving glance, tossing his hair backwards with a gesture which scattered brick-coppery curls over his neck; there was something utterly regal, beautiful and somehow enslaving in his pose, despite the fact that the position of his head was lower than this of mine.

             
“You already are my goddess!” he uttered with the fluttering excited intonation of a boy sunk so deeply in love he couldn’t think of anything else. “Be my wife, lovely, this religion needs an idol, and my heart needs a reason to beat! –”

             
However aware I was that those words were a part of the script, I half-closed my eyes to keep the memory of this moment safe in my consciousness: Cardew looked so sincere, so open, that I couldn’t help wondering whether the two of us would ever be together in such a situation in real life...

             
The fast sharp flash of a gloomy but strong premonition uttered to me that this would never happen off-stage...

             
In moments like this one, I was craving after never having such intuitive insights anymore...

             
And never leaving the theatre of so tantalizingly liberating masks...

             
“Thank you!” I threw myself down on my knees beside him almost mechanically, as I had rehearsed it so many times – if I hadn’t, I would have collapsed in his arms anyway, as the whole scene was having too mighty an effect on my psyche. “I want to be your goddess more than everything! I love you so much! –”

             
Cardew exhaled a bit harshly and pressed me to his chest in an unplanned impulsive embrace – the last sentence I had pronounced hadn’t been a part of the script either, I just so desperately needed to tell it to him straight once more...

             
“I want to create a whole new universe with you –” Cardew’s voice didn’t tremble but his heart was jolting wildly below my hand in a desperate attempt to cope with the excessive emotions I had poured inside it. “There you will be worshipped as the main deity, together with me –”

             
And, although he had sounded completely calm while speaking, I could perceive his body relax a bit as he tightened his hug back around my waist and then exhaled with content relief.

             
We had never before practiced this part of the play in such a way, but I felt so secure in his arms that my clear of nervousness mind was setting me free to improvise far more. The light effects which were to display the creation of the new world had just started – and Cardew and I, invisible for the audience, stayed quiet in our place on the floor of the stage.

             
I could sense my partner’s uneasy breathing despite his effort not to make any noise while releasing the air from between his temptingly departed lips, and the darkness we were sunk in encouraged me to steal a fast but inspired kiss.

             
Cardew’s lips passionately kept me imprisoned for another moment before he dragged me closer to himself and gazed deeply in my eyes, not a smile lingering in his but something far softer and stronger which I was unable to name.

             
“Do you?” he whispered almost imperceptibly and, as I cast him a questioning stare, I noticed the intense-blue refractions of the light effects in his stunningly gray eyes.

             
“You said that you love me –” the boy uttered with a tone that made me shiver with gentle thrills. “Do you really do, or were you just adding drama to the play? –”

             
I had completely run out of breath, and he could feel it as well as I was perceiving his hesitation and hopes...

             
“I wasn’t thinking of the play,” I confessed with the intonation with which I would swear by my own life. “I love you – I’ve told you before – and every time I say it, I do mean it for real.”

             
Cardew’s breath fondled the hair ascending down my back as he clasped me to his chest again, and I cuddled in his arms like I was looking for protection, while my thoughts were roaming around the question if anyone had ever confessed their feelings for him so openly...

             
If anyone had ever loved him for real before...

             
His sigh voicelessly let me know how much he appreciated hearing my words, and I realized my eyes were full of tears I was struggling to hide.

             
“I love you –” I repeated quietly, a mighty premonition depriving me of the bravery I needed so as to look into his eyes, but not of the craving for sharing my feelings with him again. “And this is not just physical attraction – I do care about you.”

             
Cardew didn’t loosen his hug and, while waiting for the end of the impressive visual effects with lights that were supposed to show the creation of the new universe, he breathed out just two words – so quietly that I couldn’t be sure if he had really said them or whether I had somehow read his mind: “Poor girl –”

             
Emotionally too tired, I didn’t have the time to reason over his silent exclamation, as the effects got milder and our turn to appear came again. Cardew almost literally lifted me off the ground, and I was utterly thankful I was in a role, as otherwise I would have broken down to tears.

             
But that didn’t happen – a second before the spotlights fixed upon us, I was the goddess of Fire again, and my amazed expression was aimed towards the audience as if I had seen something truly brilliant in the darkened crowd.

             
The supreme deity beside me took me to the edge of the stage itself and showed me the auditorium with a wide gesture, to which I answered with stupefied blinking.

             
“What is this place? It’s so beautiful! –” I exclaimed in well-played surprise, then on purpose met the eyes of several people from the audience and gave them smiles to enhance the impression I was making on them. “And all those creatures moving there? –”

             
“Mortal human beings,” Cardew explained and his arm wrapped me from behind to give support to my back – he must have perceived my hand strongly shivering in his as fragile, and he had probably – and correctly – thought that I was feeling at least a bit uncertain. “I gave them souls and the force of thought so they can rule their lives by themselves –”

             
I didn’t remember how I had recited the rest of my words in front of the newborn world, but the applause escorting my partner and me backstage was something I would recall for a long time.

             
“You are so freaking amazing, lovely!” with his eyes gleaming in content delight, he lavishly praised me without any embarrassment, although half of the crew were trying to get to us to greet us, too, and were hearing every word. “You definitely should have been born a goddess! –”

             
I chuckled, unsure of what to answer, and pressed his hand more tightly in mine, while he dragged me closer to himself and wrapped me in a warm hug, friendly rather than sensual.

             
It seemed that the wild reaction of the audience had finally made the other actors from the cast respect us, because nobody tried to attract our attention during our short break we spent together, and we could stay alone and silent and watch how the mortal men on stage were beginning the epic medieval war that would ruin the gods’ plans for that world.

             
Cardew’s chin was peacefully resting on my head, his arms wrapped around my waist from behind, and he was watching the scene from above me, his eyes passionless as the performance wasn’t really brilliant.

             
“If I really was their god, I wouldn’t care about this pointless war,” he lifted his head and shrugged lightly, his hold on me tightening a bit. “Why should it matter to deities, they can always make a million new worlds –”

             
“But you sound very convincing when you claim you want to stop it in the next scene,” I cast him a slant look over my shoulder and he grinned.

             
“I lie more convincingly than I tell the truth,” he announced with an angelic intonation and I burst into giggling.

             
“I’ll bear it in mind,” I gave him a wink and pressed his fingers in mine again as he was to go on stage. “Best of luck –”

             
“You and I don’t need luck, lovely – we have talent,” he smiled and disappeared towards the boards; I held my breath and counted up to a certain number before following him...

             
Like in a repetitive déjà-vu, I stepped forward towards the red-haired boy, like in the first moment when we had met, and his unforgiving graphite-gray eyes fixed upon mine with the same invincible hardness, promising that he wouldn’t yield.

             
But neither would I – at least not on stage; oh, I was so grateful there were no such serious arguments between us in reality.

             
Recalling the refined-aggressive rivalry we had started when I still hadn’t been chosen to play with him, I sank myself in the unforgettable atmosphere of tense but pleasurable fury and glared at him like he was my worst enemy for real.

             
For real – and still – because I could sense it that in off-stage life we were already enemies only in words.

             
“This war has to burst out!” I placed my arms akimbo and my voice snapped like a whip towards the high ceiling. “We can’t interfere with the deeds of mortals!”

             
I hadn’t forgotten his imperative way of commanding as if he was in front of a whole army, but the desire to nag at him had awoken in me again and I let the scarlet outburst of rage show clearly on my face.

             
Cardew’s voice echoed like a thunder, and yet again I felt intimidated by his might, like I had really done something to offend him and we were not simply playing roles.

             
“This is a world we created! We! I and you, lovely! –” his berserk tone was making the audience shiver, and my heart was racing with unfeigned worry as I was watching the pupils of his eyes narrow with too realistic anger, as if he was on the point of throwing on me and strangling me with his own hands – even his fingers were fluttering with the rage.

             
Playing with him was so utterly natural – he was making the emotions he was supposed to feel look so real and obvious that all that was left for me was to respond to him as if we were in a normal talk – just that our words were more or less fixed.

             
“We can’t let mortal men ruin it,” Cardew finished and raised his chin to cast me a scornful glimpse.

             
This was a pure-bred order, not a plea or a conviction – an order, a real deity’s will, which I had to oppose to.

             
“This is not up to you!” I was almost screaming and the shades of hysteria which appeared in my voice pleased me, although my pulse was still uneven. “You gave them souls, you gave them power – now you can’t order to them!”

             
The gasping of the crowd was the most sincere praise for Cardew’s display of uncontrolled rage as his eyes blazed up with unstoppably mighty radiance that could ruin the whole of me with a single word; strong, enraged, passionate, and composed to the point of freezing, he was at the same time the ultimate authority and the untamable enemy, my cruel revengeful lord and the merciless curse of perdition that would tear me to millions of pieces of pain...

             
So impressively berserk Cardew was that I was sure he would star in many people’s nightmares that night.

             
And in my pleasant dreams...

             
“I am their god!” his tone roared like a dynamite explosion above me and I shivered, once again thinking that – although high heels wouldn’t make me taller than him, I’d have felt a bit less insignificant beside him if I had them, as I was rather tall myself and was used to not looking up to people – both literally and figuratively.

             
“They must obey me!” Cardew yelled powerfully and fixed his strong eyes on mine in a painfully tight stare. “And I am your god, too!”

             
But I darkly shook my head, casting him an over-proud look.