Nightmarish Sacrifice (Cardew) (29 page)

             
Frozen in horror because of Odda’s death...

             
Or was that just the state of my own mind?

             
Someone’s prowling noiseless footsteps far behind made me turn round just to make sure that there were other people existing on the same planet as me...

             
Yet, I didn’t see anyone.

             
‘No!’ I banned before my imagination had started building terrifying hypotheses including strangers with long mantles and chasing through darkened forests. ‘Confusing a poor old woman with Death was enough for these days!’

             
However, the empty echo went on resounding after me throughout the whole way to the station, and it took me much effort to restrict myself from casting glances over my shoulder.

             
‘Paranoia,’ I concluded and sank my teeth into my lower lip. ‘The more you think of an imaginary problem, the more you feel as though it’s real –’

             
There were some people around the station and the faint but still colourful noise they were making distracted me from my worries; but the strange footsteps of the bodiless chaser rang again in my mind when I closed my eyes for only several moments after having taken my seat on the empty train.

             
‘A strange place,’ I remarked in my thoughts while watching the town of Cardew’s childhood melting away into the gathering fog behind the glass.

             
I was sure that I would go back there again.

             
If I survived.

                                          The even swaying of the train was somehow frustratingly managing to distract me, although I was desperately keenly craving to think – to think strenuously and rationally, sensibly, correctly, and maturely – to think like I had never thought before.

             
To think faultlessly...

             
Not that I didn’t have the right of mistake – just that the consequences of such would be fatal.

             
The vehicle was slowly but securely taking me towards the town where Cardew was waiting for me – and I had only several hours of strenuous silence in which I had to take a decision.

             
THE decision.

             
The one that could turn out either my last, or the most important in my life.

             
To make an attempt to escape from Cardew’s suffocating influence, or...

             
To finally give in to my instinct and love him without thinking anymore.

             
To live or to love...

             
Life or love – that was the dilemma I was standing in front of, and the tense psychological game Cardew and I had started as a passionate rivalry turning into an innocent play was already returning to its deadly state of a battle between real enemies.

             
Or was it just transforming into a new feeling...

             
I sighed deeply and let my forehead rest against the dusty window which was so freezing-cold as if it was made of ice, not opaque glass; if only I knew what to do, if only there was a way to reveal everything boiling inside my heart to Cardew and just let him decide instead of me...

             
If only, if only...

             
Did he love me at all? And wasn’t this more of a danger than a consolation?

             
Cardew had never told it to me directly, but I could sense it in his actions, in the way he was instinctively protecting me despite playing independent, and sensing my needs and responding to them probably without even realizing it: even though maybe he wasn’t aware of his feelings or was trying to deny them, they did exist somewhere in his heart, I could sense that...

             
Just that I couldn’t be sure what form their expression would take...

             
And whether my perceptions had been correct indeed...

             
Four possible scenarios for my would-be future were making fast circles in my mind and roaming around all my thoughts, blurring them and making me feel dizzy with confusion.

             
So it all depended on whether he really loved me and whether he was ready to kill me or not, I tried to sum up. If he didn’t love me and wasn’t thinking of slaying me either, I would simply end up broken-hearted – which was the most emotionally painful but otherwise safest way out...

             
Indeed, the only possible way out.

             
A shockingly gory scene lit up by Cardew’s merciless evil smile... I shuddered at that play of my imagination, but still, this was exactly the last thing I would see if my death was decided and the red-haired boy who was constantly starring in my fantasies had never felt anything special for me.

             
A quick death – just a heartbeat after the long sharp knife that had killed Odda sank in my chest, I would never ever feel pain again...

             
But then – as if merely to demonstrate to me how illogically I was thinking despite my efforts – all the small details that had made me believe he loved me gathered inside my head at once; they were not even completely subjective – if the stares and smiles were something my imagination could have over-forced a bit or more, then the words were something I definitely had heard, the kisses – something I had really felt...

             
Cardew had been so gentle with me when the vision about his home town had startled me while I was almost falling asleep in his arms – he had even got pale when I had pretended I was sick on the rehearsal the next morning... Didn’t one’s actions in extreme situations like these reveal more about the character than all the roles played by a calm person could?

             
So Cardew loved me!...

             
The feeling invading my soul was as addictively sweet as seriously menacing, dangerous and meant to be fatal, and yet, somehow bewitching and irresistible, something I was craving to surrender to...

             
Cardew loved me...

             
Even though it was for sure making our situation thousands of times more complex and my death – far more inevitable, I still couldn’t suppress the joyful thrill this thought was filling me with.

             
Because if there existed anything I was sure of, it was that I would never love another boy in the way I loved Cardew.

             
A lifetime is too short a period for a person to meet two extraordinary creatures – some humans never catch even a single glimpse of anyone outstanding and keep on living their ‘normal’ lives while being surrounded by ‘normal’ mortals forever.

             
For their ‘forever’.

             
And others simply miss their chance because of fear, pride, or lack of decisiveness and bravery – and later either just forget about what they could have had, or stay unable to forgive themselves the irreversible mistake. Of course, not everyone is ready or willing to live life as a risky adventure, not everyone wants it or can bear it...

             
But I myself was horrified of monotony far more than of danger – I would never recover if I gave up Cardew because of some foolish apprehensions that could never come true.

             
I loved that boy and he was exceptional in every way I could think of – exceptionally appealing to me, exceptionally cruel, exceptionally handsome...

             
Exceptionally dangerous.

             
Probably I still was capable of falling in love with other boys, dozens of them, but nobody else could absorb me so completely that I’d see no way out of his love just because I myself was closing my eyes to escape the threat of finding such a way out by chance; all other relationships I could later have would be based on one feeling only: merely attraction, just tenderness or even pity, but all emotions I desired were somehow combining in his face – he was excitement, he was passion, he was love...

             
Yes, I loved Cardew – a versatile, many-sided feeling, which was at the same time urging me to beware myself from him, to want to make him comfortable, to tease him in the most irritating way possible, and to ceaselessly relish his caressing voice whispering silkily in my hair. Strongly attracted to him, I feared him as well, and couldn’t suppress the dread of getting lethally hurt by his psychological games, but they were as well giving me some inexplicable enjoyment...

             
As though he was not one boy only but at least eleven.

             
Eleven – the fatal number.

             
Eleven...

             
Had he really killed Odda, I wondered while gazing emptily out of the window; was he a murderer...

             
‘Cardew’s friends were known to take interest in occult sciences and ancient religions –’ the granny’s voice whispered from my memories again and I bit my lips strongly.

             
‘If his love towards you starts making him feel weak, he can kill you only to prove to himself that he’s not attached to you to the point of dependence –’ another words – those Preston had told me, echoed loudly in my head.

             
But without response from my heart...

             
Amanda was thinking that Odda had been a sacrifice just like in the nightmare both of us had had; Cardew’s former best friend believed that my boy hadn’t murdered anyone but would easily do it to me if I became a threat – if there was something both agreed about, it was that I was in danger.

             
That Cardew was able to kill me.

             
Could I live like that, in ever-lasting fear that the boy I loved would one day decide that his feelings towards me were mighty enough to prove him weak, and I never woke up one morning?

             
‘You’re fantasizing,’ I tried to convince myself. ‘Cardew hasn’t killed anyone and never will. He’s just a normal boy – if he was some psycho you would already be dead, as he would have made sure you’d never understand anything about his past. Visions are imaginary –’

             
But if they were, how had they showed me the exact place to go to find Odda’s grave?...

             
Confused and weakened, I relaxed my head on the back of the seat and closed my eyes, letting the idealistic picture of what-I-wished-was-true obscure the ‘reality’ in my mind.

             
A peaceful morning, gilded by the pure energizing sunlight peering through the window and sending us millions of cheerful smiles; my head resting trustingly on Cardew’s chest, and his arms pressing me in a calming protective hug...

             
But were the gray nuances in his crimson hair some strange refractions of the light his eyes were radiating?

             
No, I realized with a smile; the fantasy had taken me years ahead, when my long black hair reaching down to the elbows wouldn’t be so black either anymore...

             
I shook away the happily-ever-after scenario not to get carried away as time was passing and I had to make the decision in the end; however, the fantasy had had its strong effect on me, as already the possibility of having misunderstood everything about Odda looked far more realistic to me.

             
Yes, I could have imagined it all – maybe the poor girl had really killed herself because Cardew didn’t respond to her feelings – I myself knew from experience how powerful the love that boy inspired could be, and this force could easily ruin a life, even take it.