Nightmares of Caitlin Lockyer (Nightmares Trilogy) (24 page)

Just let me...

Scared.
Tears.

I don't want to
...

Clinical hands.
No passion.

So cold.

Couldn't get it up.

Clothes taken away.

So cold.

Shivering until handed a pulled-off sweater.

Still warm from someone else's skin.

Wouldn't look.
Couldn't look.

Need Superman.

Need help.

Sorry.

In my nightmare, the dead girl in the toilet had a face and it was hers. My heart broke anew as I felt hers no longer beat, before I realised her eyes were open. "You bastard
..."

Fuck, I hate zombies.

I woke up in shock to find that Caitlin had woken in the dark, too. Her breathing beside me was fast, panicked, as if she was choking back tears. I didn't dare touch her. Zombies, corpses, blood – what if she still wanted to kill me? She'd said as much before Navid knocked her out.

"Hey, are you all right?" I asked her.

Her words tumbled over each other, trying to tell me her nightmare as I tried to focus on what she was saying, pushing the image of her dead face out of my mind.

"Just a bad dream," I told myself as much as her. "It's all over now."
And she was alive here, so close...

I turned on my side to look at her in the faint illumination filtering through the curtains from the street lights outside, to see and believe what I was telling myself. At the same time, she shifted closer to me.

My lips met hers, her body against mine. I both heard and felt her sharp intake of breath. I froze for a moment, but she didn't move away or try to kill me. I should have backed away. Fuck, I should have. But I didn't.

This could be my last chance. Fuck it.

For the second time that night I kissed her, apprehensive at first, then with more feeling as I realised
she was kissing me back
.

If the last thing I d
id before she ripped my face off was kiss her, then I got a pretty good deal.

But if she wasn't
going to kill me, I was taking advantage of her. She'd remember and she wouldn't forgive me for it, I struggled to tell myself, but even I couldn't hold that thought tonight. Her hands were under my shirt, on the bare skin of my back.

I kissed her lips, her neck, following her singlet strap as it slid off her shoulder and partway down her arm. I brushed my lips along the satin edge, from her shoulder to the swell of her breast. I took a deep breath and let it out, fluttering the thin layer of fabric. I gently cupped her breast in my hand through her top, hesitated,
then planted a kiss where satin met skin before letting go of her. I felt her gasp, her rapid heartbeat and her ragged breathing as I waited to see what she'd do next.

She pulled back. Her hands held my face like a huge, hairy hamburger she was hesitant to touch. Her lips sought mine in a less ardent kiss than my last.

Her hands weren't touching me any more. Her lips were the only contact between us now, before that was broken, too. Resigned, I consoled myself with the thought that every kiss we shared now was one more than I had any reason to expect. Even the thought of more than that was a faint hope. Faint but alluring... Oh God, what I'd give for more than just a hope...

"I dreamed I killed someone,
Nathan, because I'd prefer to die than let them hurt me again." Her voice was small and sad.

I dreamed you were dead and I won't let anyone hurt you again,
I thought. I kissed her mouth, her lips salty with fresh tears. Don't cry, angel. What can I do to make you happy to be alive again? "Just a dream. Let me help take your mind off it."

I was slow to slide my arms around her, hoping to hold her close if nothing else. Of course, I hoped for more, too. Hoped she'd forget everything else and believe it was nothing but a bad dream. Dreamed she'd let me do some of the things I fantasised about, the first time I saw her. Not a hope.

Caitlin gave a shudder and I stopped. "No. I can't do this. No, Nathan. Maybe one day, when it's all over and there's no one left for me to be afraid of – but not tonight."

I felt the broad smile spread across my face, though she couldn't see it. "It is over, angel. They caught all three men tonight, trying to sneak into your house. I heard the names – Pete, Nick, Tom.
The woman, too. It's all over and you're safe."

She shook her head and pulled away. "All of them? What about Mike?
And Simon? If they're still out there, it's not over yet."

I felt sick. "I thought you said there were four
..." I looked over at the laptop, closed on the desk. I wanted to switch it on and look through her nightmares, to work out what I'd missed. But I couldn't go snooping through her files while she was watching me. I scrambled to my feet. "I'm going to go to the toilet." I dragged myself away from her, stumbling toward the bathroom without looking at Navid. I couldn't face him or the toilet, reminders of the corpse that had almost been hers. Could still be, if there were more of them out there.

I gripped the edge of the basin, my head swirling, trying to focus on whether I was going to throw up or not. When I managed to get a hold of myself enough to realise that I was not, I turned the tap on. I took my time washing my hands, trying to come to terms with the last few hours, still not entirely sure they'd really happened. I splashed water on my face, a cold shock that still couldn't clear my head. I did it again, slopping water down my
pyjama top. Oh, fuck. I pulled it over my head and draped it over the side of the bath.

I dried myself before I went back to Caitlin's room. This time, I stopped just outside the door, trying to work out how to tell Navid that I'd fucked up.

"More nightmares?" Navid asked, not looking at me.

"Yes," I said shortly, low enough so that Caitlin wouldn't hear me. "Hopefully there won't be any more tonight." I stared at him, not sure how to start. "She says we didn't get them all."

He raised his eyebrows. "Are you shitting me or serious?"

"Serious, mate.
I wouldn't joke about Caitlin's safety."

He pulled out his phone and started dialling. "It's Navid, sir
... sorry, sir... no, apparently Nathan says we didn't get all of them. No, sir... sure." He held the phone out for me. "He wants to hear it from the fuckwit's mouth."

The fuckwit tonight was definitely me.
"Hello?"

"Navid tells me you were quite the hero, taking out four of them in a gunfight," my boss said with a laugh. "The girl was good bait! A pity we didn't get any of them alive, but he tells me you have new information for me." The following silence was ominous.

"The girl says we didn't get them all."

He laughed. "Has she changed her story? Before, you told us there were three men left and the woman – Navid's confirmed, three men dead and one woman, with no casualties on our side."

I wet my lips. "One of tonight's kills was a police officer. His name doesn't match what I remember her saying." I took a deep breath. "She said there could still be two of them we didn't get. One of the kills confirmed it – the woman had the means to hire whoever she felt was necessary."

"So you're saying we still have live ones we can interrogate?" He sounded surprised.

"Live ones who aren't here and could still target Caitlin," I replied cautiously.

A sigh.
"Fuck, we can't waste any more resources on just a hope. Navid's team will pull out in the morning – make sure you get her out of the house, so we can remove any surveillance equipment."

"But it's only been a week, sir. You gave me two." The 'sir' grated on my tongue but I gritted through it anyway. It couldn't hurt to be polite.

Silence.

"You told me I was assigned to her for two weeks. So Navid's team will be leaving, but I'll remain. Presumably, you'll permit me to call on his team in case their assistance is required. Correct?"

He laughed again. "Sure, Nathan. You can see your project through to completion. One more week and your contract is finished."

Finished.
All this would be over in a week and I could go back to Uni next year. And I'd get to see Caitlin again. Maybe...

"Thank you, sir," I said as the phone beeped to indicate he'd already hung up.

I looked at Navid. "So you're all gone in the morning and I have to take her out of the house tomorrow?"

He nodded.
"As early as possible. The boys'll be glad to wrap this one up – babysitting your girlfriend was getting to be a joke."

"She's not –" I began.

He nodded and waved me into silence.

I ventured back into Caitlin's room and shut the door behind me.

I sat on the edge of her bed, listening to her even breathing, not saying anything.

"Caitlin," I began softly, but she didn't answer. I wanted to touch her, but I clenched my hands to stop myself. "Angel. I swear we'll get them, too. I won't stop searching until I know you're safe." She still didn't reply. There was the other thing; even if she was asleep, I had to say it aloud. It wouldn't be the first time I'd confessed to her as she slept. "You're a very beautiful woman. Every man who sees you is attracted to you. I'd have to be blind not to notice."
Or concentrating really hard on something else. "I'm sorry if I got carried away and pushed you too far."

She didn't say a word.
Asleep already, I thought. Lucky.

I thought of going to sleep on the couch in the lounge room, or getting some spare blankets and making up a bed on the floor of her bedroom for me. I couldn't bring myself to leave her tonight.
Until I left her house for good.

Wondering where she kept her spare blankets, I wavered between waking her to ask and leaving to search the house for them.
Wasn't there a blanket at the top of her cupboard?
I stood up, trying to remember.

Her fingers on my back, a light touch.
"Nathan?"

"
Mmmmph?" I turned so I was facing her, even though I couldn't see her.

I could hear the bed springs shift as she moved. When she spoke
, her voice sounded closer. "You think I'm beautiful? Even," she swallowed, "even with the scars?"

The scars will fade and you'll always be beautiful,
I thought but didn't say. "Yes, Caitlin, you're very beautiful. The scars don't change that."

I felt the breeze of her breath on my skin an instant before her arms were around my neck, her cheek against my chest.

"Thank you, Nathan," she murmured.

I draped an arm cautiously around her.
"Any time, angel." Any time you want, all you have to do is ask... I tried to bring my thoughts back to reality, here and now, but that was her body beside mine, so close I could feel her breasts move with every breath, me wearing nothing but my shorts...

"How about we try for some more sleep?" I asked her, guiding her back to bed. She didn't let go of me, so I lay down beside her.

She pillowed her head on my chest. "Sleep well," she said softly.

I listened to her breathing slow, becoming even again. Even as I closed my eyes, I doubted I'd sleep with the tumult in my head.

At least if I had any more dreams tonight, they weren't going to be nightmares.

When I woke up, Caitlin was still asleep, her head resting on the pillow beside me, a slight smile visible on her face. No more nightmares, then, I decided.

I reached out to stroke her hair,
then hesitated. How much of last night would she remember? What else had she remembered?

Last night, she'd kneed me, called me
... names, I'd almost gotten her killed and she'd tried to kill me. And afterwards...

I'd kissed her, she'd responded and the feel of her skin, the taste of her, her hands on me, how much I'd wanted her,
how much I still want her now...

Oh, shit.
I sat up and started looking for my clothes, hoping I could make it into a cold shower before she woke up.

Part of me hoped she'd forget all of it, thinking the whole night was a dream. It wouldn't be the first time. Then she could go on, tolerating my presence because I was a friend who wanted to help her and I didn't want anything else.

Could I go back to ignoring how much I want her? Especially now I had the faintest hope that she wanted me. Or one day she would...

Last night, she'd shown me a small part of the fire she'd had before all of this.
The inner fire that had gotten her through it. To imagine what she'd be like, not scared and not hurt any more. Just Caitlin...

I found myself staring at her.
I want you
was probably written across my face – and my shorts as well.

Her big, dark eyes opened.

Oh, fuck. I had to cover up before she noticed and ran away screaming. Or worse.