Night Road (37 page)

*

Jude had no idea how long she sat there.

Finally she looked down at her watch, surprised to see that it was time to pick up Grace from day care. In the old days, she would have forgotten her granddaughter on a day like this. She would have spent hours in the closet, perhaps even fallen asleep. Now she went downstairs, found her car keys, and drove over to the Silly Bear, where she parked out front, right on time.

“Hey, Nana,” Grace said wanly when Jude showed up, and it struck Jude suddenly, sharply, what Lexi had said: she’s afraid of you.

On the short drive to Zach’s house, Jude watched Grace in the rearview mirror.

She looked so much like Mia, but for once, it wasn’t the physical similarities that hurt Jude; it was the differences. Mia and Zach had laughed and chattered constantly, exploring their world like a pair of miniature Magellans, confident and happy … and secure in the knowledge that they were loved.

Jude parked the car and helped her granddaughter out of her car seat. Grace scrambled out of the car and bounded up to the house.

“You want to play a game?” Jude said, coming up beside her.

Grace looked up at her in obvious surprise. “
You
wanna play with me?”

“Sure.”

“Goody!” Grace ran into the house and back to her bedroom. She emerged a few moments later, holding a brightly colored Chutes and Ladders box. “You ready?”

Jude followed Grace to the table.

“You seemed quiet today at day care,” Jude said, moving her game piece forward.

Grace shrugged.

“How come?”

Grace shrugged again. “Jake’s mom brought treats.”

“And you didn’t get any?”

“I got some.” Grace stared down at the board.

“Oh.” Jude said, getting it. “His
mom
brought treats.”

“Everyone’s mom brings stuff sometimes.”

Jude sat back in her chair. How could this possibly surprise her? For eighteen years, she’d been the mom who brought treats. She’d been the party mom, the field trip mom, the constant presence. But she’d never done any of that for her granddaughter. “I could bring cupcakes sometime.”

“Okay,” Grace said, not looking up.

Again, Jude understood. “It’s not the same as a mom, is it?”

“Are you gonna play?”

“Sure,” Jude said. For the next hour, she concentrated on moving through the multicolored squares. She kept up a steady stream of conversation, and by the second game Grace had started to talk to her.

But she knew Lexi was right: Grace was not a happy little girl. Most of her talk was directed to the small mirror on her wrist, her imaginary friend. And why did children create imaginary playmates? You didn’t need to be a shrink to answer that question. It was because they felt too alone and had no real friends.

Jude was watching Grace so closely she didn’t hear the front door open.

Zach walked into the cabin, tossing his heavy backpack onto the coffee table.

“Daddy!” Grace’s face lit up as she ran into Zach’s arms. He scooped her up and kissed her all over her face, until she giggled and told him to stop.

Miles came in behind him, smiling.

Jude stared at the two of them—the husband she’d loved for so long and practically abandoned and the boy she’d nurtured like a rare flower for so much of his life and then turned away from. She saw the marks that grief had left on their skin, in their eyes, even in their posture, and she knew the part she had played in all of this. She had been the mud that kept them mired in grief. On their own, they might have healed.

You used to be the best mother in the world
.

Jude stood up. “I need to talk to you two.”

Zach frowned. “Gracie, why don’t you get your coloring book and crayons? I love watching you color.”

“Okay, Daddy.” She slid out of his arms and scampered off.

Jude clasped her hands together. She had their full attention now, but she was afraid to say the words out loud. “Lexi came to see me today.”

Zach went very still. “What did she want?”

Jude looked at her son. He was a man; young, but a man, and she was so proud of him she could hardly bear it. When in the last few years had she told him that? “She asked me to supervise her visits with Grace. She can’t afford the court-ordered social worker.”

“What did you say?” Miles asked, moving to stand by his son.

“She can’t get to know … her daughter unless I agree,” Jude said, stalling now.

“What did you say?” Zach asked the question again.

Jude felt the rapid beating of her heart. “I’m scared,” she said softly. It was perhaps the most vulnerable she’d felt in years. She was out of control and uncertain and afraid. Usually she hid those emotions away from Zach and Miles, boxed them up; now she didn’t have that kind of strength.

She moved toward Zach, who had never been afraid when his sister was alive, and never lonely, but now she saw both of those emotions in his eyes. “I don’t want to do it,” Jude said, “but I will.”

“You will?” Zach said quietly.

“For Grace and Mia,” Jude said, gazing up at her son. “And for you.”

Twenty-five

Something weird was happening.

Grace and Ariel were on the sofa, curled up in Grace’s favorite fuzzy yellow blanket. The cabin lights were low and it was dark outside, so she couldn’t really see her wrist mirror, but she knew Ariel was there because she was humming. Ariel loved to hum.

Grace couldn’t tell time, but she knew it was late. She never got to stay up this long after dinner, and the movie on the TV had all kinds of bad words in it, and no one cared that she was hearing it. Or that she saw some guy shoot a bad guy in the head.

No one was paying attention to Grace at all. Daddy and Nana and Papa had been whispering together all night. They’d made a bunch of phone calls and looked at Daddy’s school calendar about twenty times. Grace didn’t know what they were talking about, but Nana kept snapping at Papa, saying things like,
I know what you think, Miles,
and,
What will I say to her? Maybe I’ve made a mistake …

Papa said it was
too late
for that because
Lexi knows
and the loud whispering had begun again.

“Who’s Lexi?” Grace asked, looking up from the sofa.

The three grownups stopped talking and looked at her.

“It’s time for bed, Princess,” Daddy said, and Grace wished she’d kept her big fat mouth shut. Whining, she shuffled over to her Papa and opened her arms for a hug. He scooped her up and twirled her around, kissing her neck. She clung to him still, giggling as he let her go, and she slipped back down to the floor.

Grace went to Nana, who stood by the sliding glass door, chewing on her thumbnail. It took a lot of nerve, but Grace said, “Nana? Thanks for playing Chutes and Ladders with me.”

Nana stopped biting her thumbnail and looked down.

Grace tried to smile, but it wasn’t very good.

Then Nana did the most amazing thing: she bent down and picked Grace up.

Grace was so surprised she gasped. She would have hugged her Nana, but it was over so fast Grace barely had time to blink before Nana was whispering, “Night, Gracie. Don’t let the bed bugs bite.”

It was so
weird
. Grace sidled close to her daddy and slipped her hand in his back pocket, just so she could be close to him. He plucked her up and carried her down to the bathroom they both used. He helped her brush her teeth and get ready for bed. When she had on her jammies, he put her in her bed and sat down beside her.

Her room was messy, with toys everywhere, and her Wall-E comforter in a bunch at the end of the bed. Daddy pulled it up carefully, tucking Grace in.

“Are we gonna read more of
The Secret Garden
tonight, Daddy?”

“Not tonight, Princess.”

Ask him
.

“What?” Grace whispered furiously to her wrist.

“How come you’re talking to Ariel when I’m right here?” Daddy said, frowning at her.

“Ariel thinks something weird is happening.”

“She does, does she? And what does she think it is?”

“What is it?” Grace whispered to her wristband, but Ariel had vanished. “I guess she went to sleep.”

Daddy reached over and unhooked Grace’s wristband.

“Can’t she sleep with me tonight?” Grace mumbled. It was an old fight, and she didn’t expect to win, but she had to ask.

“You know the rules. She sleeps on the nightstand.”

Her daddy stretched out on the narrow bed, with her big stuffed panda bear as a pillow behind him. Grace snuggled against him and looked up. “Daddy?”

He stroked her hair. “What, Gracie?”

“Who’s Lexi?”

He stopped stroking her hair. “Lexi is your mother.”

Grace scrambled to sit up. This was news. “What?”

“Lexi is your mother, Grace.”

“Wow,” Grace said. “Is she a spy?”

“No, honey, she’s not.”

“An astronaut?”

“No.”

Grace felt bad, but she wasn’t sure why. “Where has she been?”

“She’s been … busy. I guess those are questions you’ll have to ask her.”

“I get to ask her questions?”

“She wants to see you, Gracie.”

“She does?” Grace felt a brand-new emotion unfold with her. It was shiny, like tinfoil, and sparkly as a birthday crown. “Did she miss me?”

“I think she did,” he answered.

“Wow,” Grace said again. She tried to imagine what it would be like to have a mommy, someone who would know everything about her and love her anyway. Now Grace would finally be like all of the other kids.

But why had her mommy left her in the first place? And how long was she gonna stay? What if she didn’t like Grace? What if—

“Daddy?” Grace said, frowning. “How come you look sad?”

“I’m not sad, honey.”

“Don’t you want me to see my mommy?”

“Of course I do,” he said, but she could tell that he was lying. She’d seen him look sad lots of times, but this time he looked worse than sad.

“What if she doesn’t like me?”

“It’s me she doesn’t like, Princess.”

“If she doesn’t like you, I don’t like her,” Grace said, crossing her arms. She could tell that her daddy was hardly listening to her. He was just staring at the picture on the nightstand—the picture of him and his sister sitting on a gray beach log.

He didn’t want her to see her mommy. Why?

And suddenly Grace was scared. She remembered what happened to Allyson in her class last year when her parents got divorced. One day Ally was in class and the next day she was gone to live with her mommy, who moved away. “I’m gonna see her, but I’m staying with you, right, Daddy? Right?”

Her daddy said, “Right, Gracie. Of course,” but for the first time in her life, she didn’t believe her dad.

“I’m staying with you,” she said stubbornly.

*

Lexi had spent the last twenty-four hours on an emotional roller coaster, rising with hope and plunging with fear. Through it all, she planned and organized. She gathered up the shoe box full of letters she’d written to Grace in prison and tied a ribbon around it. Her gift to her daughter. It was all she had.

And then, she waited impatiently.

Finally, though, it was time. She climbed onto her borrowed bike and pedaled out of town.

At the Farradays’ driveway, she slowed and rode cautiously down the gravel road. After parking the bike near the garage, she slung her ragged, out-of-style purse over her shoulder and went to the front door. There, she took one deep breath and rang the bell.

Jude opened the door almost immediately. Her face was pale, her eyes icy. No makeup added false vibrancy to her face, and without it she looked both younger and older. Her blond hair—in need of a dye job—was pulled back into a severe ponytail, and she was dressed in soft white knit pants and a watery gray sweater. All in all, she looked colorless, a woman made of clouds. “Please knock in the future. I don’t like the bell. Come in.”

Lexi stood there, reminded of what she’d done by the look in Jude Farraday’s eyes.

Jude stepped back to allow Lexi into the house.

The green sweater caught her eye.

“One hour,” Jude said. “And you’ll stay in the great room.”

Lexi nodded. Unable to look at the pain on Jude’s face any longer, she moved past her and went into the great room. Sunlight streamed through the windows and seemed to set the exotic wood ablaze. A fire burned in the giant fireplace and sent waves of unnecessary heat into the room.

At Lexi’s entrance, Grace stood up. The little girl was dressed in a pretty yellow blouse and pale blue overalls. A pair of blond pigtails stuck out above each ear like apostrophe marks.

“Hi,” Grace said brightly. “I’m waiting for my mommy.”

“I’m Lexi,” Lexi said nervously.

“
You’re
Lexi?” Grace said.

“I am.”

Grace looked at her suspiciously. “You’re my mommy?”

Lexi had to clear her throat. “I am.”

Grace made a squealing sound and ran for Lexi.

Lexi picked up her daughter for the second time in her life, holding her so tightly that Grace started to squirm. Sliding down to her feet, Grace grabbed Lexi’s hand and dragged her over to the sofa, where they sat down together.

Grace snuggled up to Lexi. “You wanna play a game?”

“Can we just sit here a minute? It feels so good to hold you again.”

“What do you mean, again?”

“When you were born, the doctor put you in my arms for the first time. You were so little and pink. Your fist was the size of a grape.”

“How come you didn’t want me?”

“I did want you,” Lexi said softly, seeing the confusion in her daughter’s green eyes. “I wanted you like crazy.” She offered Grace the shoe box full of letters. “I wrote these letters to you.”

Grace frowned down at the wrinkled letters stacked in the dusty box, and Lexi couldn’t help feeling ashamed, as if her love was as threadbare as her offering. “Oh.”

“I know it isn’t much of a present.”

“My daddy loved me from the first second he saw me.”

“Yes, he did.”

Grace’s lower lip trembled just a little. “He says you named me Grace and he named me Mia.”

“He loved his sister more than anyone else in the world. Except you.”

Grace peered up at Lexi. “Did you know her?”

Lexi heard Jude’s sharp intake of breath. Lexi looked up. Across the room, Jude stared back at her.

“She was my best friend in the whole world,” Lexi said. “Mia Eileen Farraday. You are so lucky to look like her. She loved practical jokes. Did anyone ever tell you that? She used to put Saran Wrap across your daddy’s toilet seat. And she couldn’t sing at all, but she thought she could, and when your dad told her to shut up, she laughed and sang louder.” Lexi felt something open up inside of her when she talked about Mia. These memories had been trapped for so long, like a dragonfly in amber, but now they were softening. She looked at Jude. “I gave Mia that green sweater hanging in the entryway. It took all the money I made one month, but when I saw it, I knew it would be perfect—it would match her eyes—and I wanted her to know how much her friendship meant to me.”

“Daddy never talks about her.”

“Yeah,” Lexi said, looking down at her daughter again. “It’s easier that way, I guess. When you love someone … and you lose them, you can kind of lose yourself, too. But your daddy has had you to love all these years. I want that, too.”

“What do you mean?”

“What would you think about living with me sometimes? We could get to know each other, and I could—”

“I
knew
it.” Grace scrambled off the couch. “I am not gonna leave my daddy.”

“I didn’t mean that, Grace.”

“You did. You said it.” She ran over to where Jude sat and climbed into her lap, coiling around her like a baby monkey.

Lexi followed. She knelt on the hardwood at Jude’s feet. “I’m sorry, Grace, I—”

Grace twisted around to look at Lexi. “You didn’t want me.”

“I did,” Lexi said.

“Why’d you leave me?”

How could she answer that? As she knelt there, staring at her frightened daughter, she remembered
being
that little girl, confused by a mother who’d never wanted her but sometimes pretended to. The memories sickened her, made her feel pathetic and selfish. “I always loved you, Gracie.”

Grace jutted out her pointed chin. “I don’t believe you. Good mommies don’t
leave
.”

Lexi remembered saying the same thing to her own mother, who had burst into tears and sworn that her love was true.

She knew, better than anyone, that only time could prove the truth of her love. Grace would have to
learn
to believe her mother loved her.

“I wanna live with my daddy,” Grace said stubbornly.

“Of course you do,” Lexi said. “I was wrong to say anything. I’ve been … away for a long time, and I don’t know much about little girls. But I want to learn.”

“You’re a mommy. You should already know,” Grace said, clutching Jude’s sleeve.

What could Lexi say to that? She got slowly to her feet and looked down at them. “Maybe I should go. Thank you, Jude,” she said thickly. “I know you didn’t do it for me, but thank you.”

“You’re leaving me
again
?” Grace asked.

“I’ll come back,” Lexi promised, backing away. In ten minutes with her daughter, she’d done everything wrong. She’d scared Gracie. “Next week, okay? Same day and time?”

“You left something on the couch,” Jude said.

Lexi looked back at the stack of letters. They looked small from here, dirty and disheveled in this perfect room. She’d been a fool to think that letters would matter to a five-year-old. Another mistake. “They’re for Grace,” was all she could manage to say, and then she left her daughter again.