Night of the Creepy Things (2 page)

Well, dudes, as our scary story starts, big Joe Sweety was sound asleep in his desk chair. Sweety falls asleep every night the minute he starts to do his homework.

And there he was, snoring a little, his mouth open, eyes shut, dirty brown hair falling over his face. And there we were—my buddies Feenman, Crench, and me—sneaking silently into his dorm room to turn him into a mummy.

Yes, a mummy.

Don't worry. I'll explain.

As you may know, you
never
call Joe Sweety
Sweety
.

That's because Joe is the biggest, toughest, meanest dude at Rotten School. He's so tough, he can slap you with his
tongue
—and it really hurts.

If he steps on your foot, it isn't a foot anymore. It's a pancake with bones.

Joe is so tough, his mother calls him
sir
!

The best time to hang out with Sweety is when he's asleep. That's why my buddies and I waited until we saw his head droop. Then we crawled in through his window.

I had a plan that couldn't fail. I
always
have plans that can't fail.

You've probably heard of me. Bernie Bridges. I may be the brainiest, coolest, most
awesome
kid at Rotten School—but I never brag.

Tonight we were starting to make the best horror video ever made by fourth graders. That's why we needed to turn the Big Sweety into a mummy.

So we climbed into his room, and I handed a roll of bandages to Crench. “Let's get started,” I whispered.

I turned and saw Feenman blowing his nose on the drapes. “Why are you doing that?” I asked.

“Cuz I have a cold,” Feenman replied.

Feenman is an awesome dude. But I've seen him blow his nose on the drapes even when he
didn't
have a cold!

He wiped his nose on the back of his hand.

“Wrap Sweety up,” I told Crench. “Make it look good.”

I was the writer, the producer, and the director of this video. I knew it would be great even before we started. Sweety was gonna be the scariest mummy in movie history!

Why were we making this scary video?

Why were kids all over campus out terrifying one another every night?

Don't worry. I'll explain later.

Crench carefully lifted one of Sweety's big arms and started to wrap it. Sweety let out a snort, but his eyes didn't open. Crench began to wrap white bandages around the big dude's chest.

“Lookin' good,” I whispered.

Sweety snored away as Crench wrapped his other arm and started tying the bandages around his head. Sweety looked more like an ancient mummy every second.

Scary. Totally scary.

But then I heard Feenman make a noise behind me. It sounded like
Ah–Ah-Ah
.

I turned—and Feenman made a much
louder
noise….

Feenman's sneeze rattled the windows, knocked over a lamp, and sprayed the front of my T-shirt with about a gallon of snot.

And it woke up Joe Sweety.

The Big Sweety let out a growl, tore at his bandages, jumped to his feet—and grabbed me by the throat. “
Revenge of the Mummy!
” he screamed.

Gasping for air, I turned to Feenman. “Are you getting this?” I choked out. “This is perfect! Are you getting this on video?”

Sweety started to rattle me like a saltshaker. I saw Feenman's mouth drop open.

“Uh-oh,” he muttered. “Sorry, Bernie. I forgot the camcorder.”

Yes, life can be scary these days at Rotten School.

Why were kids terrifying one another every night? Well, I promised I'd explain.

It all started on Welcome Back Day.

That's a tradition started many years ago by our school's founder, Mr. I. B. Rotten. Every year Headmaster Upchuck welcomes back some dude or dudette who graduated from our school.

The person gives a speech to the whole school. You know. To inspire us. To tell us how being in Rotten School prepares us to go out into the world
and do great things someday.

I remember the speaker from Welcome Back Day last year. It was a woman who had a knitting needle stuck in her nose. She talked about how you can still have an awesome life, even with a knitting needle in your nose.

Two years ago the speaker was the guy who invented diapers for horses.

We have a
lot
of cool graduates from our school.

But
this
year's visitor was the coolest of all, even cooler than the horse-diaper guy. And we were totally crazed and excited because…

…this year's speaker was our favorite horror movie director, Mr. B. A. Gool.

As we all piled into the auditorium, my buddies and I argued over which was Gool's creepiest film.

“It's gotta be
The Beast from Preschool
!” Crench said. “Remember that dude? He was only four years old, but he could bite your throat out.”

My buddy Belzer gave Crench a shove. “That wasn't scary at all,” he said. “Know which one totally freaked me out?
I'll Eat Your Face for Breakfast
. After that movie, I couldn't eat breakfast for a
month
!”

“Too babyish,” Crench said. “My two-year-old sister liked that one. Gool's scariest film has to be
My HAIR Is ALIVE!
I couldn't sleep for six weeks. I knew if I went to sleep, my hair would strangle me.”

They turned to me. “What do you think, Big B?” Belzer asked.

Before I could answer, Sherman Oaks bumped up between us. He tossed back his blond hair and flashed us his perfect, sixty-five-tooth smile.

“Anyone got change for a hundred?” he asked. He waved a hundred-dollar bill in my face. “Or can anyone change this
five
-hundred-dollar bill?” He waved it under my nose.

Sherman does that every day. He doesn't want change. He just likes to make me drool.

He is the richest kid at Rotten School. He's so rich, he pays a kid to burp for him.

“Dudes, check this out,” he said. He stuck out his left sneaker.

I saw a small silver screen on top of the sneaker. “What's that for?” I asked. “A viewer so you can see what you're stepping into?”

“The sneaker is a DVD player,” Sherman said. “I
downloaded twenty-eight B. A. Gool movies onto it. I watch them on my shoe while I walk to class.”

Sherman raised the shoe higher. “See? The volume control is on the toe part,” he said. “The shoe cost five thousand dollars. My parents sent it to me cuz they think they can buy my love.”

“Cool,” I said. “What does the other sneaker do?”

“It's an MP3 player,” Sherman said. “I downloaded two thousand songs onto it.”

We jammed into the auditorium and found seats near the front. Headmaster Upchuck was already on the stage. He's only about three feet tall. He's so short, he has to stand on a ladder to look in the mirror to comb his hair!

The Headmaster stood on a tall stool, trying to reach the microphone.

I could tell Belzer was excited. He kept kicking the seat in front of him. “What do you think B. A. Gool looks like?” he asked. “He's
got
to be way weird, right?”

“He probably wears a long, black cape,” Crench said.

“Maybe he has fangs,” Feenman said. “And really
pale white skin…because he has no blood. And they'll have to keep the auditorium lights off because bright light will melt him.”

“I'll bet he's like some kinda monster,” Belzer said. “He's got to be way weird to make movies like those.”

Up on the stage, Headmaster Upchuck tapped the microphone. “Welcome back to Welcome Back Day,” he said. “I want to welcome back everyone to our Welcome Back celebration.”

His stool tilted. He started to fall off.

Everyone cheered.

But he caught himself by grabbing on to the microphone.

Everyone groaned.

“And now,” he said, “let's welcome back to Welcome Back Day one of our most famous graduates. Let's give a real Rotten welcome to…B. A. Gool!”

We all cheered and jumped up and down and went nuts.

And there he came, B. A. Gool, walking onto the stage…and everyone
gasped
in
shock
!

Everyone gasped in shock…because he looked
totally normal
!

He wasn't weird in any way. He was tall and thin. He had wavy brown hair, wore black-rimmed glasses, and had a nice smile as he stepped up to the microphone.

No black cape. No fangs. He wore a pale blue shirt under a gray sports jacket and faded jeans.

“My name is B. A. Gool,” he said in a soft voice. “And my job is to scare you!”

A few kids laughed. But most of us just stared at
him. He wasn't scary at all!

“Kids ask me all the time where I get my ideas for my scary movies,” he continued. “Well, a lot of my
scariest
ideas came from right here at Rotten School.”

“YEAAAA!” Belzer cheered and kicked the seat in front of him.

I glanced down the row. At the end, my friend Chipmunk had his hands covering his face. He scrunched down low, hiding behind the seat backs.

Chipmunk is the shyest kid at Rotten School. He's so shy, he has trouble talking to
himself
! Poor guy. I could see that he was really scared of B. A. Gool.

“I lived in Rotten House,” B. A. Gool said, “and my room was very crowded—with
insects
! At night I would wake up with bugs and worms crawling all over my body…in my hair…in my ears…and on my tongue.”

“Me too!” someone shouted.

In the next row, my friend Beast shouted, “Did you
eat
any of them?”

A lot of kids laughed. But we knew Beast wasn't
joking. Beast is a little strange. We're not sure if he's human or not. He's way too hairy to be a human. And he chews the bark off trees.

“Mr. Gool!” Beast shouted. “What did you do with the bugs you pulled from your nose?”

Gool squinted at Beast. “Good question. I'll answer your questions later,” he said. “Anyway, that's where I got the ideas for my first two movies—
Bugs on My Face
and
Bugs on My Face II: Night of the Living Bugs
.”

The whole auditorium went nuts, cheering and clapping. My buddies and I have watched those movies at least ten times—and then we itch for a week!

“This is a
wonderful
school for horror,” Gool said. “I remember one night in fifth grade. I went for a late-night swim in Pooper's Pond. I dove in. And when I came up, some kind of slimy, sticky jellyfish creature had attached itself to the bottom of my foot.

“Man, did that
sting
! I sat down and tried to pull it off. But it stuck to my foot. My friends tried to tug it off. The slimy thing wouldn't budge. It was stuck tight.”

“Finally they helped carry me to the nurse,” Gool said. “She tried to cut it off—but it wouldn't
cut
!”

He held up his left shoe. “I'm still
wearing
it!” he cried. “I've had this creature stuck on the bottom of my foot for
twenty years
! That's why I have to wear such big shoes.”

Everyone oohed and aahed.

“But it gave me the idea for my biggest film,” Gool said. “I'm sure you all remember
HELP! It's STUCK to My FOOT!
”

Again the auditorium went nuts. Everyone stood up and cheered and shouted.

Everyone except Chipmunk.

Now he was hiding
under
his seat with his head buried in his hands.

“So, enjoy the horror, everyone!” Gool shouted. “You've come to the right school!”

We all settled back down into our seats. I saw Beast pull a fat, brown bug from his hair and toss it onstage. It landed on B. A. Gool's neck. I don't think he saw it.

“And now I have big news…” he said. “I have a big announcement for all you Rotten Students.”

An announcement?

A hush fell over the auditorium.

We had no idea that B. A. Gool was about to change our lives.