Nexus: Ziva Payvan Book 2 (40 page)

-87-

Kat’s Hideout

Chaiavis

Ziva poked her head out the door of the shop and was startled to find Aroska there, despite the fact that she’d been looking for him. He sat on the surface of the little balcony, leaning against the railing with his legs stuck through. They swung casually back and forth through mid-air as he lifted a govino stick to his lips and took a drag from it, staring vacantly ahead through the smoke as he exhaled. Ziva looked out over the cityscape herself, wondering if he was looking at anything specific. She found she couldn’t see much at all – the sun was beginning to drop down behind the buildings and it cast a bright orange light that glinted harshly off the structures and passing vehicles. Squinting, she looked away and blinked the spots out of her eyes before returning her attention to Aroska.

He didn’t seem to realize she was there, so she took another step toward him and crossed her arms. “We need to talk.”

He jumped, though he tried hard to cover it up, and flicked the govino stick over the edge of the balcony. “Fine,” he said. “You caught me.”

“That wasn’t it.”

“Well if you want me to quit, I guess I’ve got to start sometime.” Aroska sighed and looked up at her. “Now, what’s so important that you’re willing to come out here and initiate the conversation?”

“I think you know.”

He scoffed. “Says the woman who was adamant that we not bring it up again.”

“That’s not it, either.” Rather than argue further, Ziva lowered herself down onto the balcony beside him, sliding her own legs through the railing. She looked down at her boots and then past them to the ground far below. The view was both nerve-wracking and relaxing. She felt almost as if she were floating, possibly the reason Aroska was enjoying it so much. She swore she would get him clean if it was the last thing she did.

He was watching her intently now, eyes filled with both fear and regret.
Yes
…he knew good and well what she wished to talk about. He fidgeted and looked back out into the glaring light, swallowing hard.

Ziva swallowed as well and drew a deep breath. “I want you to explain to me why you were going to kill yourself,” she said. “I know it’s not something you want to talk about, and I’m probably the last person you’d ever want to turn to for advice, but I know you need to let it out or it’s going to eat you alive.”

Aroska remained silent for a long time, staring into the distance and refusing to make eye contact. Unless it was her imagination, Ziva saw his jaw tremble momentarily – she also saw the muscles in his face tighten as he tried to still it.

“You’re probably going to think it’s ridiculous,” he finally said. “And please don’t feel like it’s your fault – that’s the main reason I haven’t wanted to say anything before.” He sighed. “Nothing was the same after that day two months ago. When I left your house, I felt like I had nowhere to go. I’d found my teammates only to lose them again, the woman I might have loved turned out to be a traitor, and once Solaris was gone, there was nothing left for me at HSP.”

“I offered you that spec ops position and you—”

“—and I turned it down, I know. That’s why I told you not to blame yourself for any of this.” Aroska ran his tongue over his lips and turned toward her for the first time since speaking. “After Solaris and the SCU were disbanded, the director offered me some paid time off, which I gladly accepted. I think it ended up being more detrimental than anything else – the realization that everything had changed for good hit me before long, and I started not wanting to go back to work. When my leave was up, I started using accumulated vacation time, but I found that things just got worse the longer I was away. I’d messed with govino back when I was working with Solaris, just to maintain a good rapport, you know? The bottle has been an issue since Soren died; Adin was trying to help me get better, and I was doing okay until he and his team left for a long-term mission. But….” He paused and shook his head. “But after Saun and Dakiti, I figured out those two things could help me forget all the
sheyss
going on around me. I knew I was destroying myself, but I couldn’t stop.”

Ziva nodded, surprised at how sorry she felt for him as she took in everything he was saying. Part of her was disgusted that he would have wasted so much time wallowing in self-pity, and yet she could almost understand his reasoning. “So you figured you’d try something more efficient?”

Aroska scoffed. “A harsh but entirely accurate way of putting it. I was miserable, I felt like I had nothing left to contribute, so I figured I’d end things before I had a chance to screw anything else up. It turns out I was sitting there in my bedroom that day, so wasted that I was seeing two guns in my hand. When I heard my front door open, I was so
angry
that someone was going to take away that means of escape. As soon as I realized it was you, I knew that you were there to save me, whether you realized it or not. You asked me the other night why I’m helping you – it’s because you gave me a second chance when I was at the end of my rope. I guess you could say you were there for me in my time of need, though maybe not in a conventional way, so the least I can do is be there for you in return.”

Ziva raised an eyebrow and surveyed the passing traffic for a moment, wondering what the chances were that Dasaro was nearby. “If you want the truth, I think that’s a little pathetic.”

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“I’m serious, Aroska. You have friends, family, people who care about you. Why didn’t you get some help?”

“I don’t know!” he snapped. “You see, this is why I haven’t wanted to talk about it – I
know
I messed up! I don’t need you or anyone else to tell me what I should and shouldn’t have done. Believe me, I’m well aware that I’m incapable of doing anything right.”

“That’s not true,” Ziva said, any tenderness failing to break through the anger she suddenly felt toward him.

Neither of them said anything for a while, each allowing the other a moment to stew. Ziva shook her head and stared out into the blinding light. The man had nerve for even
considering
the possibility that she blamed herself for his condition.
Then again
…she thought back to the day she’d stumbled into his house, to the things she’d pondered while cleaning up. Already it seemed like a lifetime ago. She’d wondered, hadn’t she? She’d wondered if the mess he’d gotten himself into was somehow her fault. No, the thought was absurd. He and
only
he was responsible for his actions, and he’d been plenty capable of fixing his own problems. But then, after Dakiti and what he’d done for her, shouldn’t she have been looking out for him? Ziva cursed both herself and Aroska under her breath and let her frustration out in the form of a sigh.

“Hey, you okay?”

She hesitated a moment before answering, unable to remember the last time anyone had bothered to ask her such a question. “I’m tired,” she replied, fixing her gaze on some point in the distance and holding it there.

“Aren’t we all,” Aroska said, sighing himself. She saw him turn toward her in her peripherals. “But after everything that’s happened, there’s got to be a little more to it than that. Maybe you’re not great at giving advice, but I like to think I’m pretty good at it. What’s up?”

Ziva forced a half-hearted scowl but didn’t move otherwise. “Assuming there
was
something, why the hell do you think I’d ever tell you?”

“’Because I know you need to let it out or it’s going to eat you alive’.” He chuckled a bit then cleared his throat. “You can talk to me, you know.”

She shook her head again and looked down at her feet, feeling rather numb. “I’m no good at talking.”

“I know.”

Several seconds of silence passed as Ziva struggled to organize her thoughts. The words came out sooner and easier than she had expected. “I just feel like I should have been there for you, but I can’t be there for everyone, you know? Just like I’m not there for Skeet and Zinni right now. For all I know, Dasaro could have killed them to get to me. Marshay, Ryon, Jada…I can’t help but wonder if I made a mistake by leaving them all there while I’m running away to save my own skin.”

“I wouldn’t say you’re ‘running away’,” Aroska said. “You’re trying to get to higher ground, that’s all. Besides, I think they can take care of themselves. They knew what they were signing up for when they took your side.”

Ziva pulled her legs up onto the balcony and drew them up against her. “That’s the problem,” she said. “They care about what happens to me, and I’ll admit I care about what happens to them. But with the way I live and the things I have to do every day, I can’t afford to care. The more people I care about, the more ways someone can hurt me, and the more I have to worry about. In my world, friends aren’t assets – they end up being liabilities.”

Aroska smirked. “I’d like to see the looks on Skeet and Zinni’s faces when you tell them they’re not assets.”

“My point exactly – they
are
.”

He took a deep breath and gazed out over the city in a thoughtful manner. “I see where you’re coming from, although I think your reasoning is completely flawed. Attachment is dangerous because it’s not only emotionally compromising for you but could also put the other party in jeopardy. Am I right?”

Ziva nodded.

“Did you ever stop and ask yourself what kind of person you’d be if you
didn’t
care about anyone? What if nobody cared about you?”

She groaned. “Aroska….”

“I’m serious,” he said. “You’re one of the strongest people I know, braver and smarter than I could ever hope to be. Your life and career revolve around focusing on other people – targets, fellow agents, you name it – and in that sense, you might just be the most selfless person I’ve ever met. Devoting your energy to others is just how you operate. But sooner or later, even
you
need someone to be there for you, and you’re lucky to have people like that. What would happen if that weren’t the case?”

Ziva was startled when a tear materialized from nowhere and ran down her cheek. “I just don’t want to see any of them suffer because of me.”

“So what do you plan to do?” Aroska asked. “Stuff everyone you know into a bunker somewhere while you go off and fight all the battles? I doubt they’d be thrilled if you went and got yourself killed on their account.”

He was completely right, and somehow that angered her. “I just….” She paused, realizing that she’d nearly been shouting, and lowered her voice. “I’m scared, all right? History is being made right here as the great Ziva Payvan admits she’s afraid.” She swallowed and watched a large transport as it drifted by. “Other times have been different, but this time Dasaro knows me, knows Skeet and Zinni. He knows how to get inside my head, and no amount of nostium or HSP training can change that or protect them. I just feel, I don’t know…helpless.”

“Well, you’re far from helpless,” Aroska said, “and there’s certainly nothing wrong with being afraid. I think you’ve spent way too much time making sure all your feelings stay bottled up inside you, and then they all come rushing out in the wrong way at the wrong time. Look at what happened with Foda! With everything you’ve been through, I don’t think anyone would blame you if you showed a little emotion once in a while. Go ahead and cry. Maybe complain a little. I haven’t heard one complaint from you since this all started.”

“And what would I accomplish by crying and complaining?”

“Nothing, you’re right. But you don’t always have to be accomplishing something. Take a break – think of this as a mental vacation or something.”

“If that wasn’t the stupidest thing you’ve ever said, it was definitely a contender for second.” Ziva shot him an icy glare and shook her head. “No, at this point Dasaro won’t hesitate to exploit any weakness I show. You say I’m brave? That just means
I’m
the only one who knows I’m afraid. I need to keep it that way.”

He looked down at his feet and snorted. “I’d never thought of it like that.”

She sighed again and raked her hand back through her hair. “I’d rather not discuss this anymore. I’m in danger of losing focus on what we’re doing here.”

Aroska nodded and edged toward her a bit, placing his arm around her shoulders. “Relax,” he said, giving her a gentle squeeze. “It sounds to me like the only thing you’re in danger of is becoming a good person.”

Ziva bristled but remained motionless, allowing him to hold her for a moment despite the fact that his touch felt like a sharp blade stabbing into her skin. It struck her that he was one of the very people he spoke of, one of the “assets” who cared for her well-being and who would stick by her whether she liked it or not. How he could possibly feel that way after everything she’d put him through was beyond her.

“I’m not a good person,” she muttered.

There was a brief hesitation before he formed a response, and when he did it sounded forced. “Sure you are.”

She turned to him and shook her head. “How can you possibly say that after seeing the things I do, after what I’ve done to you and your family?”

She was surprised when Aroska tightened his grip on her shoulder rather than pulling away. “Ziva, I’ll be the first to admit that the things you do aren’t always commendable. You’ll always be the assassin who killed my brother – nothing can change that, and there are times I’d still like to put a bullet in your head because of it. But I’ve had the opportunity to see that there’s a lot more to you than I thought.” He leaned forward, ensuring he had her undivided attention. “It’s true that part of you is extremely dark, but there’s a bigger picture here and I think I’m starting to catch glimpses of it. You have a gift, this mind-blowing ability to kill, but along with that comes the ability to fight, to protect. I’ve seen that gift in action my fair share of times. Hell, without it, I wouldn’t even be alive! Surely you can see that not everything you do is so damaging.”