Next August (18 page)

He’s still looking at the computer screen. My world shatters when he opens his mouth.” You need to go then. I don’t have time to have a partner. I’ve done fine all these years without one.” He rises from his chair.” I don’t need someone to love me.”

“Everyone needs someone to love them. I loved you!”

“Loved. Past tense.” He stares at me.

“I do love you. I would die for you if you could really give yourself to me. But I won’t let myself die
because
of you.” I leave the office. When I hit the stairs he finally calls after me.

“Nash.”

I turn to look at him. He starts to say something, but instead, he turns back to his work.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

August

I was alone at my father’s funeral. There was no one to mourn him. He had died years ago. I placed him to rest alongside my mother. Now I can visit both of them, together, like I’m doing right now. She loved him, so I’m sure she welcomed him with open arms. They are finally at peace together. Now my last link to her is gone.

The breeze picks up, and a few random flower petals from some other grave blow past their single headstone. I picture it as them walking off together, hand in hand. Following the petals. Light and graceful and full of hope. Leaving the pain of this world and their long separation behind them.

“Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad.”

I drove the Jag, so I’m surprised when my limo pulls up next to it. What is Fred doing here? The door opens, and Claire gets out.

“I came to the office, but Margaret said you were probably here.” She hugs me to her.

“What are you doing here?”

“I’m here for you. I don’t want you to be alone.”

Sam gets out of the car. He walks to me, slow and steady, and puts a hand on my shoulder. We walk back to my dad’s grave. I stand in between them. These two people whose lives my dad almost ruined.

“I hated you for years,” Sam says, staring at the headstone. “You took something away from me and my mom.”

“Sam….”

“Let him finish.” Claire takes my hand.

“But what you gave us in return was much more than you took away. You gave us August. So for that, I’m grateful.” Sam wipes a tear.

“I don’t know how, but your son is a good loving man,” Claire says.” I just wish we could ease the sadness and loneliness that has followed him for years.”

“Thank you for giving him to us. I know he can be an ass, but he’s our ass.” Sam winks at me, and I’m amazed and proud to have been part of this young man’s life.

☀

Over the next several weeks, business slowly goes back to normal. I work overtime, calling and visiting everyone I know. Old clients. Potential clients. Former and current board members. My executive team. I travel to four countries to make sure I touch base with everyone who could have a negative effect on Rylan Designs. I reassure them that my father has been out of the picture for a long time. That I’m still in control, and everything is stable. Our plane and boat launch product launches go well, despite my worries about them. Maybe not quite as successful as they would have been before all this happened, but nowhere near the tragedy I feared. My hard work at keeping it all together seems to be paying off. Of course, nothing is together in my heart or my mind. So I bury myself in work. I can’t stand thinking about Nash.

I pour myself a bourbon and watch the sun settle over Seattle from my office windows. I know she’d love this view—and the colors. Reds. Oranges. Tinges of pink and blue.
It doesn’t matter if she’d love it. She’s gone and I have to move on.
I gulp my drink and flip through my phone till I find the number of the secret club. The one that’s just for sex, not strings. I call, but when the recording picks up, I hang up. I can’t do it. I’m not ready. I’m not sure I will ever be ready for meaningless sex again.

Damn her. I should have never let her in. Now I have to figure out how to live without her. I pushed her away, and then instead of stopping her, I literally helped her out the front door. The day she left, I carried her bags to the car. I know she wanted me to say something to make her stay. She told me if I ever needed her she was a phone call away. I need her every fucking night, yet I have never called her.

☀

A month later I finally make it back to Utah. The house is the same, but something is missing. Nash, of course.

“Welcome home Mr. Rylan. I have missed you.” Stella kisses both of my cheeks.

“Thanks. It’s good to see you too.”

“Are you just visiting or are you staying for a while?”

“I’ll be here for a few weeks. I promised Sam a climb and a camping trip.”

I head for the stairs, but for some reason, I decide to stop in my father’s bedroom first. The room is different. No more medicinal smells. No more beeping machinery or blinking lights. The metal bedframe and mattress are still there, bare of sheets. All the pictures that Nash brought up are gone. I sit on the bed. I regret not listening to Nash about my father. Somehow, she connected with him in a way that I never have. Maybe I never let him. I wonder if he was trying, all those years, to reach me? I wonder if my anger and resentment made him too afraid to follow through?

“August.” It’s Stella.” I’ve been standing in the door calling you.”

Her use of my first name surprises me, but I’m too tired to tease her about it. “I’m sorry. I was lost in thought.”

“This package just arrived for you.” She hands it to me and sits down beside me.

It’s a plain shipping envelope addressed to me. The return address says

N. Jacoby
. My heart skips a beat.

“Aren’t you going to open it?” Stella asks.

I lay it on the bed beside me.” Not right now.”

“But it’s from Nash. It must be important.”

“Okay. You’re right.” I open it. It’s a journal. The one Nash left beside my dad for all those weeks. There’s a note on it, in Nash’s bubbly handwriting.

Dear August,

I took this with me when I left for a reminder. I didn’t realize what treasures it held until I flipped through the pages. I hope this in some way helps you to heal and that it helps you decide, what’s next, August?

Nash

Stella stands to leave.” I will let you read it alone.” She kisses the top of my head.

I flip through the first couple of pages and they are empty, but something catches my eye. It’s Nash’s handwriting again.

I thought the journal was empty. Go to the middle of the book.

I open it to the middle and I see shaky handwriting.

Augie,

I know that you hate me for the things I have done to you. I can only tell you how sorry that I am and hope that one day you can forgive me. I could not stand to see the hate in your eyes for me. I do not blame you. I loved your mother with everything in me. When I lost her, I felt myself die and I blamed you. I was wrong. I love you, son. Thank you for all that you have done for me, including cleaning up my mistakes. If I could do things again, I would do them much differently. I am so proud of the man you have become. The best thing you have done is allow Nash into your life. She loves you like your mother loved me. Don’t ever take that for granted son. Keep her heart close and she will heal yours. I love you. Please find forgiveness.

Dad

I stare at the book for a few minutes, as if it might start talking to me in my father’s voice. Then I stand and let it drop to the floor. Because of my pride, and selfishness, I’ve lost them both.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

Nashville

When I first got back home I cried for days. Momma and daddy had to coax me out of my room. I felt sick all the time. Slowly as the weeks passed, I got myself back together and started working at the local doctor’s office. I enrolled in school to get my master’s degree so that I could become a nurse practitioner. Being busy helped me to miss August a little less.

When it was quiet, I wondered what he was doing. I googled him, and he was in the headlines a lot for a while. He looked bone tired in most of his pictures. He was somehow able to save his company, but in none of his pictures did he ever have a smile on his face. Even his eyes seemed darker.

Anna came to visit one weekend and took me out to a local bar for line dancing. None of the guys were the least bit appealing to me.

“Have a beer. That always cheers you up.” Anna slides a cold draft in front of me.

I place the glass to my lips, but the familiar smell nauseates me. I try to fight it for a minute, but I start sweating. I get off the barstool and head for the front door. I make it outside just in time to puke off the bar’s little front porch.

“Whoa! Are you okay?” Anna asks as she holds my hair away from my face.

“I guess I’m still not over this stomach bug.” I wipe my lips with the back of my hand.

“Nash, sweetie. When was the last time you had a visit from your monthly friend?”

The blood drains from my face. I suddenly feel faint. Anna helps me sit on the ground.

“So, I take it, it’s been a while?” She fans my face.

“I can’t be. I was on the pill.”

“You were also sick and on some antibiotics, right? Did you and August have sex while you were on the medication?”

I remember that morning very well. August had taken such good care of me that I wanted to thank him. I feel queasy again. I cover my mouth.

“Breathe. Just breathe through it.” Anna helps me off the ground.

“I don’t want to be pregnant.” Tears sting my eyes. “I can’t be pregnant.”

“Let’s go to your office and get a pregnancy test so we know for sure. No use panicking over nothing.”

☀

I pee on the stick, but I can’t look at it. The last thing I need is to be pregnant.

“Let me see.” Anna rushes into the bathroom. Her face has no expression as she stares at the plastic tubing.

“Well?” I finally ask.

She turns it so that I can see it. Blue marks. Positive. I start to cry and Anna wraps her arms around me.

“What am I going to do? I don’t want to raise a baby by myself and I can’t tell August.”

“You know as well as I do, that you have two choices. I can’t decide for you, but I’ll support whatever you decide.”

“I can’t keep it. I sent him his father’s journal. If anything should have made him contact me, I thought that would. He obviously doesn’t want to have anything to do with me.”

“You don’t know that for sure. Did you two ever talk about having kids?”

“No. It never came up. It seems like if he never talked about it, he didn’t want them.”

“That’s a pretty big assumption.”

“I need some time to think. I need to make a doctor’s appointment. I need to decide if I’m going to tell my parents. I should be about three months along. If I’m going to do something about this, I need to do it soon.”

Anna squeezes my hand. “That’s all very practical Nash. But what about how you feel?”

I shake my head. I can’t answer that question because I don’t know.

☀

A month later, and I’m finally feeling like myself again. I’m happy with my decision. I moved out of my mom and dads’ place, and I bought myself a cute little house on the edge of town. A stream runs through the property. A fire pit off the back porch makes pleasant, cool Tennessee nights. I sit out here most evenings and watch the fireflies. The house is simple, and it’s all I need. I decorate everything in blue and white. Colors that calm me. I even spent a little money on some artwork from a local artisan’s gallery. My favorite piece is a painting of two zebras. I love the contrast of black and white against the soft blue walls. I also hung the portrait mother had taken of me when I was sixteen. It’s above the fireplace. In the photo, I’m sitting on a half red barn door, and I’m wearing a white dress and my cowboy boots. It reminds me of carefree days that seem so long ago.

I’m sipping a glass of lemonade when Anna pulls up. She’s been visiting her own parents, and it’s good to have her around.” Are you ready to climb?” she asks me.

“I haven’t been climbing since my last trip with August.” I haven’t said his name in a while.

“It’s going to be great. I have everything packed and ready to go. Are you sure you wouldn’t rather fly to Utah?”

“I’m positive. A road trip will be fun.”

“Are you really sure that you are up to it?” She rubs my belly.

“I’m positive. If I wait too much longer this little girl of mine will be in the way.”

“How did your mom and dad take the news?”

“They’re so excited to have a granddaughter, but they worry so much about me.” I sip my drink.

“Still not called August?” She joins me with a drink.

“I don’t think a baby would be good news for August. It’s been almost two months since I sent him the journal and I haven’t heard a word.”

“Do you miss him?”

I answer honestly.” I wish every day that things could have worked out. I love him. That’s why I decided to keep this little girl.” I rub my tummy.” She is part of him. I don’t want to forget how much I loved her daddy.”

“You’re a better woman than me. I would want to kill the bastard.” .

“Don’t say that. I know August loved me and I don’t regret a minute of our time together. Not even the fighting. I sure miss the sex, though. Especially with my hormones raging.”

Anna chokes on her lemonade, laughing.” You never talk about sex.”

“I don’t think it will ever be the same with anyone else. The man sure knew what he was doing.”

“You’re right. Your hormones have taken over.”

☀

We head out early the next morning. We sing at the top of our lungs and let our hair fly in the wind. I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time. We make it into our hotel room just after midnight and we both fall fast asleep.

We are at Zion by seven in the morning, strapped up and ready to go. I have to loosen my belt to make room for my growing belly. I have just a small bump. Just enough that everyone knows I’m pregnant. I’m glad. I wasn’t crazy about the in-between time where I just felt fat. I wanted to wear a tee shirt that said: “I’m not fat—I’m pregnant!” Now that the bump has arrived, I don’t need to broadcast it.

This is the exact same spot that August and I climbed. I am happy at the memory.” This is where your daddy and I climbed.” I rest a hand on my belly. I’ve just started to feel those first fluttery movements in the past few days. I feel a tickle now. I think my little girl heard me.