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Although they all waited for another minute or so for another change in reality, nothing more happened. Whoever had the artifacts and the cube apparently couldn t figure out the puzzle any better than the last person who had possessed it before Caleb. Caleb said that they would most likely know when the end was getting closer, as whoever had it would be able to connect colors at a faster rate when he/she/it was closer to solving it, resulting in the reality changes getting more frequent. Gloria couldn t argue with that logic, but that didn t mean they really had the time to delay. They had to get moving and find the missing artifacts. After all, just because someone couldn t figure out how to use one didn t mean they couldn t figure out any of the others. Some of them were disturbingly easy, once you knew what to do with them.

As they started on their way to see this mysterious Wylma, whoever the hell she was, Gloria had Caleb fill her in on exactly which objects he had possessed.

You already mentioned a few of them, Gloria said. We ve seen someone try to use Rubik s Ultimate Cube. And I remember when we got the Omega Sword and the Osterhaggis Key.

Right, Caleb said. The Osterhaggis Key isn t something we have to worry too much about yet. It can only be used in one of three locations throughout the entire world, none of which are even in the U.S. If you remember, though, the Omega Sword might be more of a problem. In order to use that all you need is unpaved earth beneath your feet.

Not something easy to find on the Hill, Gloria said.
Easy enough if it gets taken over to Leechman Park. But we never did get a chance to see how powerful it was, so it may not be as important to find as some of the others.
You mentioned the Flute of All Flesh, Gloria said. She looked back over her shoulder as the OneStop Mart grew smaller in the distance. They had about ten blocks between Wylma s bar and the OneStop, according to Caleb, which put it at the eastern edge of the Hill. At their current brisk pace they could be there in between five and ten minutes, but with so many nightmare things wandering on the Hill it was still a longer walk then most people ever dared risk after dark. Even Gloria, when she felt at her most adventurous on her beastie hunting adventures, rarely patrolled more than a four block radius from the Sin Depot. Even with her last year or so of experience, she was beginning to feel like she was in over her head on this one. Did Phil know you had that one?
Caleb grimaced. No. I didn t want him to ever know about it.
Well shouldn t you go back and tell him? Gloria said. Or at least give him a ring on your cell? I think he has a right to know, with his situation.
He would just get pissed at me for having it in the first place, Caleb said.
But Sue s right there with him. If someone were to use the flute
Sue could ignore it. Just trust me, all right? She loves him, and whether I get it or not he loves her. She would never let something make her hurt him.
Gloria didn t know about that. She didn t think that Sue s feelings, whether they were real or just a product of Phil s imagination (and Gloria still wasn t sure if a zombie could actually be capable of love), could really prevent the power of the Flute of All Flesh if someone played the right tune. But now was not the time to argue about it. What else was in the bathroom?
The only other one you ll remember from your time at the OneStop would be the Pretty Pink Thing.
A pretty pink thing?
Not a. The. Remember?
Oh. Oh dear god, you actually kept that? But you can t even look at it without hideous things happening.
Right. So I had it locked in a lead-lined box.
Isn t that a little bit of over-kill? I don t think it was that powerful.
I didn t want to take any chances that its alldestructive cuteness might leak out. There was also the One Clog
One clog to dance on them all, Gloria muttered.
That s the one. And the Confused Amulets, the Dread Dishrag of Dooraana, a plastic baggy full of doughnut crumbs
Seriously?
Yes, well, they re mystical crumbs. And finally the Bad Penny and That. Twelve items in all. Each one more than capable of massive destruction on a global scale if used right.
Guess we re going to just have to hope who ever took them doesn t know how to use them, Gloria said. She didn t add that if the person or thing that had taken them had done enough research to know they were in Caleb s bathroom then they might very well know what to do with them. She had to wonder just how the hell he could have been so cocky with them, but she didn t think she would have done much different, really. Maybe that was what she saw in him. Maybe they had just enough in common and that was why she had asked him out tonight. But no. She knew better. He could sometimes be a bit egotistical and couldn t keep his mouth shut no matter how hard he tried, and not long ago she would have never considered dating a guy like him. He had even hinted in the past that he might want a relationship with her and she had blatantly shot him down. He was the same person now, for the most part. It was her that had been through new and terrible experiences. She was the one who had changed, and she knew she was looking for something different out of life now. She just wasn t very happy about what that something was.
During the time they had been talking Gloria had been noticing a subtle change in the neighborhood. They were headed east along Thirteenth Street, and the buildings here were looking more run down and seedy compared to the ones a few blocks west. She knew that, even for what was already a rough area of the city, the eastern blocks of the Hill were considered even less desirable. This was the edge of where the beasties and nocturnally inclined humans called home, but it was still the kind of place many people avoided even during the day. A car drove past them in the street, a cop car. She would probably see several more patrolling this area before she left, but even the increased presence of the cops didn t do much to tame this place. And the whole neighborhood smelled like everyone went outside to piss.
Wow, this area s a little intense even for me, Gloria said. She expected Caleb to reply with a snide remark, but he just nodded and replied quietly.
I don t like it much here either. This is getting into the sort of territory you and I don t usually cover. Wylma s a lot like our normal people, but the others around here
I don t quite get what you mean, Gloria said. What exactly is our normal people?
Mystical, Caleb said.
As opposed to?
You ll see. You should keep your duffel bag ready just in case, but I don t think stakes and holy water will be the best sort of weapons here. Caleb gestured to a building on the corner. This is it. Wylma s place.
The building was a squat and ugly one-story structure. The sidewalk in front of it was littered with various pieces of trash, mostly beer bottles and empty cigarette boxes. It had two windows facing where Gloria could see, each with glowing neon signs advertising various beers, but they were covered up with iron bars. The door was plain and wooden with peeling red paint that didn t match the rest of the building s gray exterior, and it vibrated with the thumping of heavy metal music. A faded white sign with red letters hung above it. Gloria raised an eyebrow at the name.
The Snake s Sanctum? Gloria said. What an absolutely charming name.
Says the woman who works at a place called the Sin Depot, Caleb said. But it s actually quite cozy, if by cozy you mean you ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Gloria looked at him. Be honest. How long have you been waiting to say that?
My whole life. Come on.
The smell of beer and smoke assaulted her nostrils as she followed Caleb through the door, but that was a scent she was used to from the Sin Depot. In fact, despite the rough outer look of the place, the Snake s Sanctum s interior didn t feel all that much different from her own place of business. The Sin Depot might have attracted a higher class of clientele, but after people got enough booze in them everyone s class was the same. It was a little bit darker than she was used to and most of the people hanging around were a bit burlier, but if the place had just a few girls stripping on the bar then it might as well have been the same place.
I know this probably isn t a place you would want to go into, but we ll only be a minute, Caleb said.
Why do you think I wouldn t want to be here? Gloria asked.
Caleb shrugged. Just figured it would remind you of work, and I know how much you hate stripping.
Who said I hate stripping?
Caleb looked at her. His eyes were squinted either in an attempt to scrutinize her or out of irritation at the smoke. You don t hate it?
No. I chose to do it, didn t I? Had other options and everything.
That doesn t seem very progressive woman s lib of you.
I ve got an idea. Why don t you just shut the hell up about things you don t know before you make an even bigger jackass of yourself?
Caleb held up his hands in front of him as though to say
Okay, I m backing off,
then turned away and walked towards the bar. She thought about giving him more pieces of her mind, but got distracted as she began to notice more things around her. Despite the quiet state outside as people tried to stay out of the potential apocalypse, this place was jumping. It was a weekday so she wouldn t have expected a place like this to be so packed, but she supposed most people s reaction to an oncoming armageddon was to get drunk. Most of the customers here were men with a few scattered women drifting among them. Almost every person here was in a leather jacket, and most of the men had large amounts of scruffy facial hair. She could have easily called this place a typical biker bar if it weren t for the fact that every single person without exception was wearing a white lab coat under their leather jackets. Several people had blast goggles perched on top of their heads, and one guy in the corner wore a monocle.
Gloria caught up to Caleb, stopped him, and attempted to whisper in his ear against the blaring rock and roll from the jukebox. Caleb, is this a mad scientist bar?
They prefer the term eccentric scientists, but yes, it kind of is. Biker scientists.
What the hell s the difference between a biker mad scientist and a regular mad scientist?
Regular mad scientists don t make Harleys that turn into giant war droids. Shit like that.
They came up to the bar and wedged their way through the waiting crowd. An older man with one cybernetic hand glared at them. Hey, wait cher goddamn turn! I was here first. The thick smell of whiskey wafted off of his breath.
Caleb stood straight and tried to look like he wasn t intimidated, but it wasn t working. All we need to do is talk to Wylma.
I don t care. I was here first and you will obey me! I am the future ruler of mankind, and none shall stop me! He started cackling wildly, but his laugh quickly devolved into a series of smoke-induced hacks and wheezes. He continued trying to laugh until he passed out from his drink and collapsed to the floor. Most of the people ignored him and just stepped over him as they passed.
Was he serious about trying to take over the world? Gloria asked Caleb. Someone else answered her first.
Oh they all are. But they can t really do it when they re drunk, can they? So everything stays happy and shiny!
Gloria saw who had spoken from behind the bar, but she had trouble believing that the bubbly tone of voice could have possibly come from this woman. She had short blond hair and was wearing a black tank-top. Although she wasn t exactly fat she still had a decent belly on her, and her exposed arms were covered in tattoos. She had to do a double take to realize the full sleeve tattoos consisted entirely of Disney characters. A half-finished cigarette hung from her lips, and although she appeared to be in her forties her voice didn t have the characteristic rasp of a long-time smoker. Instead her voice had a distinct squeak to it, like a teenage girl on a sugar binge.
Wylma? Gloria guessed.
Yes I am! You must be Gloria, huh? Caleb talks about you all the time.
He does, does he? Gloria glanced over with a raised eyebrow at Caleb, who suddenly seemed to find something very interesting to look at on the floor. Before she could say anything to him, though, Wylma let loose a squeal, leaned her bulk across the bar, and grabbed Gloria in a bear hug. Gloria s eyes went wide at the woman s strength. For a moment it felt like her insides would explode out either end with the pressure, but Wylma dropped her back on the floor after a few moments.
Okay, that was random, Gloria said. And a little painful.
Wylma blushed. I m sorry. I just feel like you re a kindred spirit, you know? In the whole fight against evil.
Um, I wouldn t know anything about that. I just She almost said she just hunted worlddestroying monsters for fun, but she knew that would have sounded weird and lame. Never mind that it was kind of true.
I figured you and Caleb would be coming by tonight, Wylma said. Why don t both of you take a seat in one of the booths along the wall over there. I need to finish up something quickly and then I ll be right over.
We re kind of in a hurry, Wylma, Caleb said. Don t you think we could just
White cataracts suddenly formed over Wylma s eyes, and her perky smile became a snarl. The squeaky voice became a deep, dangerous-sounding growl.
I said sit!
Gloria and Caleb quickly took a step away from the bar, but in only another fraction of a second Wylma was back to the way she had been before. I ll be right with ya, kay?
Caleb grabbed the sleeve of Gloria s jacket and started pulling her away from the bar, but he didn t have to pull too hard. They found an empty booth that was relatively far away from most of the other people and sat on opposite sides. Gloria went to lean forward to whisper to Caleb but had to be careful where she put her hands. The table was sticky with spilled beer.
Okay, so now that we re here, mind telling me what her deal is? Gloria asked.
Her deal is simply that she is probably one of the most powerful sorceresses on the Hill.
Seriously? Her? Doesn t exactly look the part, does she?
Come on, you ve been on the Hill long enough to know that judging someone by their looks is a bad idea. Sometimes even a deadly idea.
True. Point taken, Gloria said. So if she s so powerful, how come I ve never heard of her before now?
Because that s the way she likes it. Keeps a low profile. I wouldn t even know about her if she hadn t taken it upon herself to be my biggest source of information ever since One-Eyed Bobby started getting all shifty. She has some scrying abilities and she can detect when major magic forces are flowing or something like that. There s technical terms for how she knows, but I leave all the mumbo-jumbo to her.
So if she s all about magic, then why does she run a mad scientist bar? It s not like she can detect magical evil on people who don t use magic.
I guess that s exactly why she does it. Being right here in the thick of them, she can keep an eye on all the dastardly plans or whatever that she couldn t otherwise. But also, just between you and me, I think she hangs around all these guys because they can help get her things for her other business.
What other business?
The one that made me think she might be able to help us with the syringe. Take a look, but try not to stare. She likes to think she s all sneaky about it. He gestured with his head towards the bar. Wylma had come around to this side of the bar and was talking quietly with a woman. The woman reached into her pocket and pulled out what might have been a wad of cash. Wylma, in turn, reached into her own pocket and pulled out a baggie. It was in the woman s hand and gone before Gloria could really see what was inside, but Gloria got the gist just the same.
A drug dealer? Gloria said. But what about all that she was saying about fighting against evil and all that shit?
Everyone has a different definition of evil, Caleb said. The both looked away again as Wylma grabbed three glasses and came towards their booth. She sat next to Caleb, then placed a glass in front of each of them.