New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer (8 page)

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Authors: Bill Maher

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Don’t Go Greek
 
 
NEW RULE
 
No gay fraternities. Apparently, there are now dozens of them. Why bother? If you’re gay, you already have a much better way of bonding with another man than the chug-a-lug. Fraternities are for fucking assholes, not for fucking assholes.
Don’t Play It Again, Sam
 
 
NEW RULE
 
Everyone has to stop pretending Woody Allen movies don’t completely suck. Hollywood stars must stop pretending that it’s an honor to appear in his unwatchable, recycled tripe, and critics have to stop pretending that a tiny old Jew could be scoring with Tea Leoni and Helen Hunt. Somebody contact wardrobe—the emperor has no clothes.
Du Jour Job
 
NEW RULE
 
Room service personnel must know what the soup is! You’re working the phones at room service. What do you think you’re going to get asked—what you’re wearing? If I’m paying 28 dollars for two eggs and a Coke, you should know the soup, all the state capitals, and where I left my keys.
Not Another Teen Movie
 
NEW RULE
 
S
omebody make a movie I want to go see. If you’re asking why movies have gotten so bad, I’ll tell you why: It’s because Hollywood studios now get 60 percent of their money from DVDs, all of which are bought by the young, dumb male demographic, the same one that’s given us Maxim magazine, attention deficit disorder, and George Bush.
When I was a teenager, Hollywood didn’t give a damn about me—and that was good! Good for the movies and good for me because I was challenged—to smarten up instead of dumbing down. Besides ruining movies, we’ve also managed to ruin our kids by making everything be about them. And now if I want to see a movie, I had better like loud noises, things blowing up, and Colin Farrell.
Movies suck because Hollywood has figured out that Mom and Dad don’t spend their money on movies anymore; they give their money to their kids and
they
spend it on movies—to break up their shopping sprees at the mall. It’s like American parents are on one long date with their kids—no, it’s even worse; it’s like Robert DeNiro in
Casino,
helplessly trying to buy the love of a shopaholic hooker with no heart, played, of course, by Sharon Stone.
Before I die, could someone please make one more movie I want to go see? I’m not asking for the moon here, and I’m not some film snob with a ponytail who only likes subtitled Albanian documentaries. But to middle-aged people like me, a good movie is like good sex—you don’t have to put one out every day, but when whole seasons go by without getting one, you do start to get a little horny for entertainment.
 
BILL MAHER
E
 
NEW RULES
Eddie Iz
 
 
NEW RULE
 
Transvestites are gay. I know what you’re going to say: “Bill, not all transvestites are gay.” Yes, they are. Studies show ... aw, screw studies. Yes, they are.
Elimistate
 
NEW RULE
 
The next reality show must be called
America’s Stupidest State.
We’ll start at 50, and each week, if your state does something really stupid with, say, evolution or images of the Virgin Mary, you’ll move on to the next round. Of course, the final five will always end up being Alabama, Utah, Kansas, Texas, and Florida. Sorry, Tennessee.
Emerald Ale
 
 
NEW RULE
 
This St. Patrick’s Day—if you want to get drunk, just get drunk. Don’t blame Ireland. Why is the drunk the only Irish icon we celebrate on March 17? What about the unreadable novelist, the unwatchable playwright, the unbearable clog dancer? Or the fat cop, the crooked mayor, the shifty bomber, the incompetent waitress, the fiery spinster schoolmarm, the dowdy upstairs maid, and the sadistic lesbian nun?
Emission Impossible
 
 
NEW RULE
 
Dating a self-proclaimed 26-year-old virgin is probably not the best way to stifle the gay rumors. You’re a big star, you can have any woman you want, and you pick the one actress in town who doesn’t put out? I thought Scientology was supposed to
clear
your mind.
Entertainment Weakly
 
NEW RULE
 
No more TV gambling. First, there was
Celebrity
Poker, then there was
Celebrity Blackjack.
I saw one show that was just Camryn Manheim scratching lottery tickets. What gets on TV has to be at least as interesting as what’s on the average security monitor at a convenience store.
Exit Pole
 
NEW RULE
 
Don’t lop off your boyfriend’s penis and flush it down the toilet. That’s what Kim Tran of Anchorage, Alaska, did recently after she and her boyfriend had a spat: She cut off his penis and flushed it down the toilet. Whatever happened to the silent treatment?
Exit, Poll
 
 
NEW RULE
 
Stop taking stupid polls. Every little news program on every cable news network has their own dumb-ass online poll. And it’s always some ridiculous question like, “We want to know what you think. Is John Bolton too much of an asshole, not enough of an asshole, or just the right amount of asshole?” This is America. Knowing nothing and choosing one of two options isn’t a poll. It’s an election.
Assisted Leaving
 
 
NEW RULE
 
J
ust because you have a job for life doesn’t mean you have to do it for life.
It’s well and proper that we venerate our elders—but give it a freakin’ rest. To every thing, there is a season. Turn! Turn! Turn! A time to reap, a time to sow. And a time to pack it in, put on a housecoat, and fall asleep in front of the Golf Channel.
Now, I know it must be hard to give up your job when your job is literally sitting on a throne, or being on a “supreme” court, or keeping women out of your priesthood to make room for the gays—but at some point it starts to look like you think of yourself as indispensable, and no one is indispensable, including you, the late Mr. Infallible. I don’t want to say the pope was out of it, but at the end he was caught saying two Our Fathers and three
Proud Marys.

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