New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer (25 page)
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Authors: Bill Maher
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And when people like Mike Brown walk in anywhere even 5 minutes late, everyone must roll their eyes and mumble FGT.
2
-NO
There’s no such thing as smart water. Hollywood starlets and models are being photographed these days holding electrolyte-enhanced water called
smart
water. Because nothing reads
smart
like Hollywood starlets and models. You know how to tell if smart water made you more intelligent? You’ve stopped buying it.
Instant Repleasmart
water. Because nothing reads
smart
like Hollywood starlets and models. You know how to tell if smart water made you more intelligent? You’ve stopped buying it.
You can’t chant, “America, you lose” at your trial, and then ask for another chance. Zacarias Moussaoui says he has more faith in juries now, and he wants to change his plea to not guilty. Sorry, Zac, that’s not how we roll here. If we wanted to give second chances to loons who scream death threats, we’d remarry Charlie Sheen.
Reign Check
The next major destructive storm must be called Hurricane George. You’ve earned it, buddy. Congratulations. Your presidency is officially a Category 5 disaster.
Seafood DumboIf President Bush is going to keep visiting and revisiting New Orleans for photo ops, he must do so wearing a crawdad costume, playing the jazz trombone, and flashing his breasts every time someone throws him beads.
Semper Finally
Now that they’ve been hit by a hurricane, the Alabama National Guard has to call up President Bush, since he never really reported for duty back then. Get out your chainsaw, Mr. President! It’s brush-clearing time!
Situation Tragedy
Leave
Star Trek
to the professionals. Now that there are no more
Star Trek
spin-offs on TV, desperate Trekkies have taken to filming their own episodes, complete with full-size sets, slick special effects, and their mother ruining every take by yelling, “Do you boys want to come upstairs for some soda?” Look guys, I admire your dedication, but if all you really want is to sit back and watch some elaborate, boldly-fictionalized fantasy unfold, turn on C-SPAN while some neo-con is justifying the war.
The Biggest LugerStar Trek
to the professionals. Now that there are no more
Star Trek
spin-offs on TV, desperate Trekkies have taken to filming their own episodes, complete with full-size sets, slick special effects, and their mother ruining every take by yelling, “Do you boys want to come upstairs for some soda?” Look guys, I admire your dedication, but if all you really want is to sit back and watch some elaborate, boldly-fictionalized fantasy unfold, turn on C-SPAN while some neo-con is justifying the war.
If you play a sport where most of the speed comes from gravity, you’re not an athlete, you’re a weight.
Truck OffThere’s no such thing as a light truck. Federal regulators this week proposed new fuel economy standards for light trucks effective immediately... in 2011. A light truck is kind of like a lite beer; it really isn’t that much lighter. If they really were
light
trucks, they wouldn’t have slogans such as “Like a Rock.”
Trumped Terrorlight
trucks, they wouldn’t have slogans such as “Like a Rock.”
Being black and pissed off doesn’t make you a terrorist. It turns out those seven homegrown terrorists Alberto Gonzales bragged about catching in Miami didn’t have any plans, any money, any contacts... they didn’t even have a single weapon. I’m sorry, but if you’re a black man in the ghetto and you don’t have a gun, you’re just not trying. Only the Bush Department of Justice could find the seven guys in Miami who aren’t packing heat. So they had a plan to blow up the Sears Tower? Please, when I was 22, I had a plan to kidnap Loni Anderson.
Photo Credits
Page 3: Royalty-Free/CORBIS
Page 4: Top: no credit
Page 4: Bottom: Gregory BuH/AP Wide World
Page 6: Chip East/Reuters/CORBIS
Page 8: Gary Braasch/CORBIS
Page 13: Associated Press/AP Wide World
Page 14: Bill Frausbraun/AP Wide World
Page 15: San Shi/EPA/Landov
Page 16: Top: Duomo/CORBIS
Page 16: Bottom: Lucy Nicholson/ Reuters/CORBIS
Page 17: Reuters/CORBIS
Page 18: no credit
Page 19: Chip East/Reuters/CORBIS
Page 20: Michael Germana/UPI/Landov
Page 21: Matt Brashears/POOL/AP Wide World
Page 22: Darren Staples/Reuters/CORBIS
Page 24: William Whitehurst/CORBIS
Page 30: LWA-Stephen Welstead/CORBIS
Page 31: Ray
Mickshaw/WireImage.com
Mickshaw/WireImage.com
Page 33: Reuters
Page 36: Reuters/CORBIS
Page 37: Courtesy of US Government
Page 38: Top: no credit
Page 38: Bottom: Mitch Mandel
Page 43: Top: Reuters/CORBIS
Page 43: Bottom: no credit
Page 44: Bill Greenblatt/UPI/Landov
Page 45: Left: Bob King/APL/
Wirelmage.com
Wirelmage.com
Page 45: Middle: Mitchell Gerber/ CORBIS
Page 45: Right: Kevin Mazur/
WireImage.com
WireImage.com
Page 46: Top Left: Steve Grayson/
Wirelmage.com
Wirelmage.com
Page 46: Top Right: Jean-Paul Ausenard/
WireImage.com
WireImage.com
Page 46: Middle: Courtesy Polly Aurit
Page 46: Bottom: Philip Gould/CORBIS
Page 47: Jim
Spellman/WireImage.com
Spellman/WireImage.com
Page 51: Bito/CORBIS
Page 52: Mike Finn-Kelcey/Reuters/ Landov
Page 53: Chris Helgren/Reuters/CORBIS
Page 54: no credit
Page 55: Left: Graeme Robertson/Getty Images
Page 55: Middle: Win McNamee/Getty Images
Page 55: Right: Alberto Pizzoli/AFP/Getty Images
Page 59: Steve Miller/AP Wide World
Page 60: Tim Sloan/AFP/Getty Images
Page 61: Top Left: Aiken County Police Department/ZUMA/CORBIs
Page 61: Bottom: Handout/CORBIS
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