New Lands (THE CHRONICLES OF EGG) (27 page)

The headdress lurched to one side, threatening to topple over. One of the women helping Venus gave a little gasp and rescued it just in the nick of time. Venus elbowed her out of the way and staggered toward us, grunting from the effort it took to raise her bracelet-heavy right arm and hold out a hand covered with rings stacked all the way to the nails of every finger.

Her hand rattled as she wriggled it at me.

“Kiss it!” she demanded.

“Kiss it, boy,” Dad muttered out of the corner of his mouth.

I stepped forward and started to bend over to kiss her hand—or actually her jewelry, because I couldn’t find any hand under all that metal and stone.

“No, no! On your
knees
! Crimey, Egbert—I’m a
queen
!”

Her eyes bugged out as she said it, which was actually helpful, because until then I’d been having trouble locating them. She was wearing about six different colors of heavy makeup, plastered over every inch of her cheeks, mouth, and eyelids. Between the jewelry and the makeup and the enormous headdress, it was hard to figure out where the outfit ended and Venus began.

The “on your knees” business seemed a bit much, but it was pretty clear she was going to raise a fuss if I didn’t do it. So I got on my knees on the hard stone floor and kissed a hunk of rock on her index finger that I think might have been a diamond.

When I looked up at her, she was grinning from ear to ear, although it’s possible the smile was drawn on with makeup.

“Isn’t it
amazing
? I mean, can you
believe
it? I’m
queen
!” The headdress was fixed with a strap that ran under her chin, and the whole thing wobbled dangerously every time she opened her mouth.

“It’s really something,” I said. “Can I get up now?” My knees were already hurting from the stone floor.

She ignored the question. “I always knew I’d be a princess someday! But now I’m a queen, too! I’m both. I think. Can you do that? I mean, is it—
eegh
!”

The headdress had started to topple backward, momentarily threatening to strangle her. Two servants rushed in to lift it upright, but Venus wrestled the strap off her chin and let it fall.

“Ugh! Done!” She seemed to lose patience with the whole outfit—as the servants slunk away with the headdress, she started yanking off necklaces, tossing them every which way.

“Done!”

More servants swooped in and started harvesting necklaces off of her. Venus shook out her hands, spraying a shower of rings over everything, including me.

I turned my head away so I wouldn’t get a ring in the face. When I did, I saw Dad had taken a seat just behind me, on a little stool that was too small for him. He was averting his eyes from the jewelry storm, too.

Finally, Venus got down to a manageable weight of riches and plopped down on a big stack of cushions. Now that I had a better look at her, I realized she’d gained quite a bit of weight.

“So, can I?” she asked.

“Can you what?” I’d forgotten what we were talking about.

“Can I be a queen and a princess both?”

“Oh…I’m not sure.”

“Not sure?! What good are all those stupid books you read, if they can’t tell you that?”

I searched my brain for an answer. It was hard to think clearly. The whole situation was making me woozy.

“Well…usually a queen’s a princess first,” I said. “Like Queen Madeleine. She started out as Princess Madeleine, but then—”

“Who am I like?”

“What?”

“Which queen’s the most like me? In your books?”

Mad Queen Minerva
instantly popped into my head, but I didn’t think it was a good idea to tell Venus that.

“I think you’re…really…quite original—”

“Who’s got the biggest palace? Is mine the biggest?”

“Oh, yeah,” I nodded. “By a long shot.” No reason not to agree with that. It might even be true, for all I knew. Venus looked thrilled.

“And what do the other queens do all day? Like, should I be going to war or something? Or do they all just sit around drinking chocolate, too?”

“Drinking what?”

“Chocolate! Don’t you know?” Her eyes popped open wide. “Oh, you’ve
got
to try this!”

She turned to the line of servants and yelled,
“Drink!”

Two servants shot off into the darkness.

“Just wait. You’re not going to
believe
these things. They’re like those chocolates they sell in Blisstown, only all melted, so you can quaff them right down. I have like twenty a day. Sometimes more.”

That explained the weight gain.

“They just bring them to me,” she went on. “Because I’m like their favorite queen ever. It’s
very
sweet.”

She frowned. “But it’s hard, too. Because they’re dreadful stupid. They only know like three words. And those took
forever
to teach them. The rest they don’t get at all. Not even if I yell. Watch this.”

She turned to the three remaining women, opened her mouth, and bellowed,
“Raise your hands!”

The women all gave Venus hasty bows.

“Hop on one leg!”
she yelled.

They bowed nervously a few more times. Venus sighed and shook her head.

“See? They just bow. It doesn’t even matter how loud I yell. They still don’t understand. It’s
very
sad. I’m thinking of getting them a tutor.”

The two servants returned with three clay flagons of thick brown liquid. One of the flagons was twice the size of the other two, and Venus got that one. The servants gave the smaller ones to me and Dad.

“Drink it!” Venus ordered me.

I didn’t need much encouragement. And she was right—it tasted like liquid chocolate, and I couldn’t believe how delicious it was. I took a few long sips, momentarily forgetting everything but the drink in my hands, until a loud, aggressive belch brought me back.

“Buuuuurrrp!”
Venus tossed her empty flagon over her shoulder, and it bounced across the floor. I heard Dad exhale hard through his nose, and when I glanced back, I saw he had his lips pressed together so tight they were almost white. He’d always had a quick temper, and it must have been a real struggle for him to keep still and not smack Venus for her awful manners.

“More drink!” Venus barked. As another pair of servants scattered to do her bidding, she beckoned to me with her hand.

“Ugh. They take forever. Give me yours.”

I hesitated. “But I only had—”

“Give it to me or I’ll kill you.”

Her eyes narrowed. I knew that look. It was the one she used to get right before she threw a tantrum.

I handed over my drink. As she guzzled it, Dad gave his flagon to me.

“Drink it quick,” he whispered.

I did.

“Yer brother’s right hungry,” he told Venus once she’d downed the second glass and uttered another belch that echoed off the distant walls. “Wot d’ye say to—”

“Food!”
More servants took off.

“Thank you,” I said.

She shrugged. “You’re lucky they know that word.”

Then her eyes went wide and excited as she remembered something.

“Did Daddy tell you about the pony?”

“I don’t think so.” Venus had always wanted a pony.

“My king’s getting me one! Well, he’s not my king yet—I don’t think—but I’m pretty sure we’re going to have a big wedding soon, and it’ll be
amazing
—anyway, he promised me a pony. It might actually be a very big dog. But I’m
almost
sure it’s a pony. It was hard figuring out what he was saying, because he’s just as dumb as the rest of them. But he’s very tall and handsome, and he has reeeeally huge muscles, and he’ll kill you if I tell him to. So watch yourself.”

The food arrived—two big piles of fruit and some kind of cooked bird on a long wooden slab.

“Ugh. Not even hungry. Maybe just a little.” She took one of the legs and tore off a bite. As she chewed with her mouth open,
I selected a piece of meat, watching Venus carefully in case I took the wrong one and she pitched a fit.

We ate in silence, except for the smacking of Venus’s gums. After a few more bites, she pressed her hand to her stomach and made a face.

She turned to one of her servants and pointed to her full mouth. The servant shuffled over and held out her cupped hands. Venus spat the half-chewed food into them.

“It’s hard sometimes,” she sighed. “I can only fit so much in my tummy.” Then she threw the leg of meat over my head. I heard it land somewhere behind us.

She sank back into her giant mound of pillows and let her chin drop to her chest, making her look like a painted frog. She sighed again.

I ate as fast as I could, thinking I’d better wolf it down in case she decided to take the food away.

“So here’s what you’re going to do, Egbert: you’re going to write my book.”

“Wrrph?” It was hard to talk with my mouth stuffed full and my jaws working at double speed.

“People write books about queens, yeah? So you’re going to write mine. And then send it out, so everybody knows what a great queen I am.”

“I’m not sure—”

“Don’t talk! Just do it!” Her eyes narrowed again. “If you don’t, I’ll kill you. I’m having Adonis killed, you know.”

That set Dad off. “
He’s apologized!
I told ye! If ye jus’ give ’im another—”

“Shut
up,
Daddy!
I’m
the queen!
My
kingdom!”

I braced myself for Dad to explode. But he stayed on his little stool, gripping his knees while his face turned red.

It made me queasy to see him like that. Growing up, the rules had always been clear. If you mouthed off, you got smacked.

Now the rules had been turned upside down, and somehow that was more unsettling than watching my sister act like a monster.

She turned her attention back to me. “So what’s it going to be, Egbert? You going to write my book? Or do you want to get killed, too?”

“I’d love to write your book,” I said. “I’m sure it’ll be a big hit.”

It was a little scary how easily that came out of my mouth. But I guess after all I’d been through to stay alive, lying to my fool sister wasn’t much of a hurdle.

And it brought a smile to her face, so wide I knew it wasn’t just the makeup. “I know! People will love it. I’m an
amazing
queen.” The sour look had vanished, and her eyes gleamed with pride.

I wondered if this was the right time to bring up the others. She seemed to be in a good mood again, and I had no idea how long it would last. So I decided to chance it.

“I know a few other people who’d like to help with the book,” I said.

“Really? Who’s that?”

“Friends of mine. They’re—”

“
Friends??
HA! How’d you get those? Everybody hates you.”

“Just…sort of happened. Anyway, there’s three of them. One you’ve met already, Millicent. We played croquet with her.”

“Oooh, I know her. She liked my dress!”

“She did! Very much. And there’s another girl, and a boy—”

“Another girl? Maybe they could be my servants! I’d love someone younger than these old hags. And not so stupid.”

“Well, if you could just get them out of the pit—”

“Maybe tomorrow.” She yawned. “Leave me alone now. I’m tired, and I need to make a poop.”

“But if—”

“Out! And start writing my book!”

“A BLOODY MESS,
is wot it is.”

Dad and I were lying in the darkness in the little stone building he’d been given for a home, down a side street off the main avenue. I was on a straw pallet that Adonis had slept on until Venus banished him to the pit.

After Venus ordered us out of the temple, I’d tried to go back to the pit to tell the others what I’d seen, but the Moku with the torch had made it pretty clear with his body language that the only place I was welcome to go was Dad’s house. Now he seemed to be hanging around somewhere outside the door.

I thought about waiting him out and then trying to sneak back to the pit. But Dad promised me the others would still be in one piece in the morning, and I was exhausted. So I lay down on the straw, thinking I’d take a short rest and get my head straight about the situation before I decided what to do.

But when I tried to wrap my mind around everything that had gone on that day, I drew a blank. My whole head felt hollowed out, like so many crazy things had happened that they’d made my brain explode out the back of my skull.

“A right bloody mess,” Dad repeated.

“Still don’t get why they made her queen.”

“Dunno she’s queen,” Dad said.

“Sure seems like it.”

“Yeh. But…dunno. Whole tribe fussed over her at first. Hopped to pretty good. But she ain’t done herself no favors, way she carries on. Seems to me she’s worn hard on ’em. Big chief used to come see her every day. Been a while now since he even went up there. An’ she don’t go out none herself. Spends all day lyin’ round, stuffin’ her face. Venus bein’ Venus, maybe she’s just lazy. Or maybe they don’t let her out. Can’t tell which.”

I heard him sigh. “Get some sleep now, boy. Come mornin’, ye can help me figger out wot to do. Get us all out of this madness. Back to the plantation where we belong.”