Never Too Late (20 page)

It’s hard to be twenty-three years old and feel like most of the fun memories in your life are wrapped up in pills. There are no more parties for me. No more hanging out with the kinds of people I used to hang out with, going places where drugs were there for me if I wanted them. The wild lifestyle I gravitated to before was off limits now. What would I do with myself? How would I learn to replace the high I used to get from drugs? The temptation is always there, just behind my shoulder, to abuse pills again. If I’m doing well, I can forget about it. I can keep my mind off of it. But at the same time, I have experienced what opiates do to me, and I can’t just forget it completely. As an addict you have to constantly stay focused on all the ways that drugs fucked up your life and the lives of the people who love you. Because if you lose your grip on any of that, the other side of the experience is always there in your mind, waiting to lure you in. And you can never think you’re too smart or too strong to fall back into it again. The thing is, you can never escape the fact that you lost your mind on those drugs. You can never be confident that you’ve erased whatever it was inside of you that allowed addiction to take such a hold on you. It’s a constant battle, and some days are harder than others.

But I’m working my ass off, trying to hold onto this. And what makes me completely fulfilled is the love I have with Leah and the emotions I feel when I’m with her. She’s really holding onto me, and I’m holding onto her too. It makes me feel like everything is worth something. Leah reminds me every day not just of my responsibilities as a parent and a person, but of the joy I’m capable of feeling. For the first time in my life, I see the point in everything. I finally believe I can be happy.

I can’t lie: life is pretty boring these days. Not as boring as prison, but boring. Boredom isn’t good. Drugs trick you into thinking they’re going to fill a hole inside of you, but they leave an even bigger hole behind for you to fill. Finding purpose in my life isn’t some spiritual thing I’m doing for fun. It’s literally the only choice I have.

So what’s next for me, besides being a mom?

Ever since I was a kid, my life had been defined by depression, anxiety, and addiction. Now, at twenty-three, I finally have the tools and the self-knowledge to see things clearly for the first time. Suddenly I can see there are things I’m good at and things I want to do, talents and interests that I never paid much attention to before when I was so caught up in all the bullshit.

That’s why the CLIFF program was such an amazing experience for me. For someone who had dropped out of high school, having that educational environment was amazing. Right away I was kicking ass in the program, acing my GED, and taking on as much responsibility as they’d let me have. The funny thing was that it came so naturally. It made me think back to the times before I was messed up on drugs, when I was all about working hard and getting things done. Whether I was helping Leah’s dad study or organizing our finances, I was always good at staying on top of things and accomplishing whatever I put my mind to.

I also realized how much satisfaction I took in helping others succeed. Becoming a teacher and a facilitator in the CLIFF program, I learned how amazing it feels to be someone people trusted for advice and guidance, and to have the ability to help them. I took so much satisfaction in helping others get through what I’d been through, and it motivated me so much to see their progress. The experience even showed me how I could channel frustration and anger into positive ideas. When I looked around at all the good women who had lost their children to the system, just because they were addicted to drugs and didn’t have access to treatment, it made me absolutely enraged. But that anger quickly got me thinking about what I could do to affect that situation.

Now I have a dream I really care about. I want to help other people like me, people who are so strong-willed and stubborn that they need an extreme kick in the ass to help them overcome their addictions. I want to open the kind of facility I started to visualize when I was in prison, a place where people can get the kind of intense blend of education, discipline, and community support that will help them find the strength they have inside.

Just a couple of short years ago, I thought there was no hope for me. I was wrong. There’s never a good reason to give up. There’s always a way to turn things around. You just have to look at someone like me as proof that it’s never too late.

I want to say thank you to my family for always being there for me. My mother who showed me strength and love, my father who showed me perseverance, and that it’s never too late to change, and my brother who has always shown me loyalty and wisdom. Also my grandma and Grandpa for helping me through my hardest times. I would also like to thank my cousin Krystal for sticking by my side. You are not just family, you are a true friend. Also my sister Candace, who’s my guardian angel. Nothing would be possible without you looking over me. And, to Beth Roeser for helping me find the words to speak what was on my mind.

I’d also like to thank MTV for sticking by my side through the hardest times. And last but not least, my managers Nick and Jake and everyone at NBTV Studios. Thank you for all your help and guiding me in the right direction.

Sending love