Never Say Goodbye (41 page)

Taking a breath, Bel said, ‘I’m afraid she didn’t make it.’

Lily’s face turned white.

‘She had a different type of cancer to your mum’s,’ Bel told her hastily.

Clearly taking the straw, Lily said, ‘Do you know what type Mum has? She says she didn’t ask, but I’m afraid she did and doesn’t want to tell me.’

‘Actually, I don’t know,’ Bel lied. If Josie didn’t want Lily to know the details yet, it wasn’t her place to tell her. ‘But I’m pretty certain it’s not the same as my sister’s, because that was Paget’s disease, which is quite rare. Anyway, what really matters isn’t so much the type, as how early they catch it. In my sister’s case, because she was quite young, and the GP we had back then took over six months to send her for the tests she should have had straight away, the cancer had already spread to her lungs.’

‘Oh God, I’m sorry,’ Lily said, her eyes welling up. ‘It must have been so hard for her.’

Touched by how personally she seemed to take it, Bel smiled and nodded towards the cappuccino. ‘Drink up,’ she encouraged, ‘we’re not here to talk about sad things.’

Lily’s eyes lit with curiosity. ‘So why are we here?’ she wanted to know.

‘Well, actually there are a couple of reasons, or I should say I’ve had a couple of ideas that I’d like to run past you. I wish they were going to provide an instant cure, or any kind of cure come to that, but what they might do is give a little boost to your mum’s morale.’

Lily couldn’t have looked more thrilled. ‘That would be brilliant,’ she declared, ‘because I know she’s feeling down. She’d never admit it, because she never does, but I can tell.’

‘It’s not unusual while someone’s going through chemo,’ Bel assured her. ‘It takes an enormous toll on the body, which can be as hard to cope with mentally as it is physically. So, my first idea to try and cheer her up is to ask you if you’d like to be my partner for the Pink Ribbonwalk at Blenheim Palace in May.’

Lily’s eyes rounded.

‘It’s to raise funds for Breast Cancer Care,’ Bel explained, ‘which is the charity that brought your mum and me together. If she’s up to it, we can take her with us, though I doubt she’ll have the strength to do the walk. She could join in some of the fun before and after though, and while we’re out there covering our ten miles she can rest in the car, or have a chat with the BCC people who’re organising it all.’

‘Oh my God, that is such a fantastic idea,’ Lily enthused. ‘I’d love to be your partner. I’ll be doing my finals then, but it’s OK, I can take a day off. Do we have to get sponsors? I know nearly all our friends and neighbours will want to give if they think it’s for Mum, and loads of my mates at uni.’

Loving her response, Bel said, ‘That’ll be wonderful. I’ll get in touch with the events team to register us, then we’ll set up a Just Giving page to take our donations.’

Lily looked about ready for the off.

‘And my second idea,’ Bel went on, using her voice to try and keep Lily in her seat, ‘is much more radical, but I wondered if you thought your mum might like to take part in a fashion show?’

Lily’s jaw dropped. ‘What, you mean like on a catwalk?’ she said.

Bel nodded. ‘BCC holds one every year, usually at the Grosvenor House Hotel in London, and all the models are women who’ve been diagnosed with breast cancer.’

‘Oh my God, that is totally awesome,’ Lily gasped. ‘When is it?’

‘Not until October, which is breast cancer awareness month, but they’re selecting the models now, and if you think Mum might be interested we can put her name forward.’

‘Definitely,’ Lily decided. ‘I mean, she’ll say no, because she’ll feel shy about putting herself in the limelight, but she’d love to do it really. Oh wow, can you imagine her going up and down a catwalk? It’ll be totally awesome. Where do the clothes come from?’

Loving this girl, Bel said, ‘Well, the year before last, which was when Talia took part, they were from Topshop, Miss Selfridge, George at Asda, you name it, most of the high street stores were involved. And QVC, the shopping channel. They were amazing in how much they gave. It was styled by Hilary Alexander who used to be Fashion Director for the
Daily Telegraph
, and she made everyone look sensational. Even the men, because there were two brave souls who signed up for it – on the whole it’s difficult to get men to show up, when everyone thinks breast cancer is a woman’s disease.’

‘So men get it too? I didn’t know that.’

‘It’s much rarer in them, but there was one having treatment at the same time as Talia, so we talked him into taking part that year and he had the time of his life.’

Lily smiled. ‘Where is he now?’

‘As far as I know he’s back in Spain with his wife.’

Clearly relieved to hear he’d survived, Lily said, ‘We absolutely have to get Mum to do it.’ She started to laugh. ‘I can just imagine Dad’s face when we tell him she’s going to be a model. He’ll be like, no way!’

‘Well, we have to get her selected first,’ Bel reminded her, ‘but hopefully she’ll be successful, and her chemotherapy will be well over by October. Actually, even long before August, which is when, I believe, you’re getting married?’

Lily glowed. ‘I can’t wait,’ she gushed. ‘It’s like totally amazing to think Jaz is going to be my husband. He’s just the best. Mum and Dad love him, everyone does, and his family are fantastic. I haven’t told Mum this yet, but his parents really want to meet her and Dad. They were planning to invite them over to their place in Kent for a weekend, which is totally amazing . . . You should see it, it’s massive, in its own grounds, with a tennis court and woods and you name it. Anyway, now this has happened, Jaz’s mum thinks it might be better if they came here so it wouldn’t be too much for Mum. Do you reckon that’s the right way to go?’

Touched to be asked, Bel said, ‘Probably, given how far it is, and I don’t expect Mum’s eating all that much at the moment, is she?’

‘Tell me about it,’ Lily groaned. ‘She’s losing weight before my eyes, which she keeps saying she’s happy about, but obviously she didn’t want to lose it like this. Why do you reckon she’s not eating? Is it the treatment making her feel sick?’

‘That’ll be part of it, but she might have mouth ulcers, and her sense of taste will probably be all over the place. If you get really worried you should persuade her to go and see your GP, or have a chat with one of the breast care nurses at the clinic. She’ll have the number.’

‘OK, I think I’ll go online and get it too, just in case. Actually, Mum’s due to go there in a couple of weeks to see the surgeon. It’s her halfway check, apparently, and after that they change the chemo drugs. Let’s just hope they’re not as bad as the last lot.’

Knowing there wasn’t much difference when it came to side effects, Bel said, ‘She’s with an excellent surgeon. He really cares about his patients.’

‘That’s good to know.’ Lily shuddered suddenly. ‘It’s so horrible to think she has to go there, and that this vile thing is going on inside her. She so doesn’t deserve it, but there again, I don’t suppose anyone does.’

‘No,’ Bel answered quietly.

Lily’s eyes came to hers. ‘Thanks for caring about her,’ she said, ‘and for thinking of giving her these lovely treats.’ She twinkled playfully. ‘You’re a bit like her fairy godmother: she
shall
go to the ball!’

Bel laughed. ‘Or the fashion show, and she’ll look a million dollars.’

Lily’s humour suddenly died. ‘If her hair’s grown back by then,’ she mumbled. ‘It will, won’t it, because I don’t think she’ll want to do it if it hasn’t?’

‘Provided she doesn’t have to have another course of chemo, it’ll be as lovely as ever, but even if she does, I can promise you she won’t be the only one on stage in a wig.’

JOSIE WOULD NEVER
in her life have imagined that one day she’d be sitting in the waiting room of the breast care clinic filling in an application form to be a catwalk model.

Whatever next!

The form had turned up in the post that morning, complete with a copy of last year’s brochure that was so glossy and full of glamorous ads and articles that it looked a bit like
Vogue
. Imagine her photograph being in a magazine like that! Actually, she wouldn’t be appearing in a professional model sense, only as someone who had taken part in the show. But first she had to be selected, and she couldn’t imagine they’d want someone as ordinary as her.

‘You’re not ordinary,’ Lily whispered crossly, as Mr Simmons, one of the surgeons, came to fetch a frightened-looking African woman who didn’t seem to speak much English. Josie wished she could help in some way, though what she thought she was going to do when she couldn’t speak a word of the woman’s native tongue was totally beyond her. Still, at least she managed a friendly smile when the woman’s nervous eyes glanced her way.

‘OK,’ Lily was saying quietly, ‘we’ve got your date of birth, age and height, so now we need . . .’

When Lily didn’t continue, Josie looked down at the form. The next requirement was bra size, and she felt a sobering despondency creeping over her as she realised she might only have one boob by the time the show was staged.

Her eyes went to Lily. ‘I’m not sure how to answer that,’ she said. ‘They won’t want someone who’s had a mastectomy. I’ll make the dresses look all lopsided.’

‘Don’t be daft,’ Lily protested. ‘That’s what it’s all about, to show everyone how women can still look lovely even if they have had mastectomies. Anyway, you might not have to have one yet, and if you do, you’ve got to ask if they’ll give you a reconstruction at the same time.’

Feeling her energy draining as though to make room for more dread, Josie closed her eyes. The road ahead seemed so long, even endless, and she’d give almost anything never to have a moment’s chemo again in her life.

‘It’ll be all right, Mum,’ Lily said, taking her hand.

Josie smiled. ‘Of course it will.’

Lily took out her phone as it beeped with a text. ‘It’s Bel,’ she announced, as though certain this would lift Josie’s spirits, ‘she’s coming to pick us up.’

As pleased as Lily could have hoped, Josie said, ‘That’s lovely of her. And then you’re on the train back off to Bristol, young lady. I don’t want all this getting in the way of your degree.’

‘It won’t,’ Lily promised, ‘but I had to come with you today. You need someone to hold your hand when you see the surgeon.’

‘I want you to wait out here when I go in,’ Josie told her. ‘If you’re there you’ll only start asking questions and getting me confused. I’ll tell you everything he says when I come out again.’

‘As long as you do,’ Lily insisted. ‘Are you feeling OK? You’re looking quite peaky.’

‘I’m fine. Just a bit tired.’ Actually she was more anxious than tired, but she certainly wasn’t going to tell Lily that or it would be sure to upset her, and she’d done that enough times these past couple of weeks. And now her dear boy knew too, and the letter he’d sent after Lily told him was still tearing at Josie’s heart.

Dear Mum, you haven’t got to worry about me. I know you will, but don’t, because all that matters is you getting better. I’ve talked to Paul about things and we’re saying prayers for you three times a day (and I do some more in between). I’m sure God will listen and make you better. He does it for other people, and you’re such a brilliant and lovely Mum I just know He’ll do it for you.

I’m sorry Mum that I’m in here. You know I’d come home if I could so I could do stuff for you. Come and see me when you can, but not if you’re feeling bad. I’ll manage all right, I promise. Lily and Jasper said they’ll keep coming, and Paul’s bringing me lots of books and talking things through with me so I don’t have too much time to dwell on it all and don’t have to feel too alone. That’s really kind of him, isn’t it?

I’ve been doing the same as Lily and using my computer time to search online for different kinds of cures and the right things to eat. Apparently beetroot’s good, so are citrus fruits, mushrooms, herbs, free-range eggs and olive oil. Oh yes, brown rice and wholemeal bread are on the list too. They won’t let me print anything out, or send you an email, but I’m going to see if I can find some recipes for you that include some of this and I’ll send them in my next letter. I had to get off the computer before I could find some good alternative therapies, but I know Lily is on the case with that. She’ll probably understand it better than I do anyway.

She told me about Bel who sounds really nice. I think it would be fantastic if you could be a model. You’ll have to take loads of pictures so I can see you. I feel really bad that I’m missing everything, especially Lily’s wedding. It really sucks, but I’m definitely learning my lesson and won’t ever get in with the wrong crowd again.

I want you to know that you’re the best Mum in the whole wide world, no contest. I love you masses and I know everything’s going to be all right. Paul says we have to keep thinking positive because it really helps, and I think it does.

Your very loving and totally positive son, Ryan

How courageous he was being, her dear little guinea pig in there amongst all those thugs and druggies. She just hoped to God that fear of what was happening to her didn’t drive him to do something stupid to himself.

‘Bel also says,’ Lily told her, ‘that she’s received our welcome packs for the Pink Ribbonwalk.’

Josie felt some of her tension ebbing. She was glad to know Bel was coming today. Funny how much better it could make her feel just having Bel there. It was a lovely quality that, being able to make a person feel secure and cared for the way Bel did. And it wasn’t as though they saw each other often, though they spoke most days on the phone and sometimes they had really long chats about all sorts of things not to do with cancer or treatment or anything like that. For instance Josie knew now that Bel had grown up in Kingston upon Thames, just outside London, and that she’d gone to uni in Manchester, and travelled to places in the world Josie had barely even heard of. She’d been very close to her mother, by the sound of it, and if Josie wasn’t greatly mistaken, she still missed her terribly. Her sister too. How awful for her to have lost them both – it just didn’t seem fair. No wonder she was so relieved her brother-in-law had changed his mind about going to Sydney. It would have been heartbreaking for her to lose her niece and nephew on top of everything else.