Never Say Goodbye (23 page)

Josie shook her head. ‘I might have to be now, because I’m going to have a problem finding a job while I’m going through this. I mean, I’ve got one at the caff, but that’s only Thursdays and Fridays. It’s why I asked Dr Pattullo if I could have my treatment on Mondays, to give me time to get over it so I’d be ready for work by Thursday.’

Yvonne smiled. ‘You should probably explain to your employer that you might have difficulty turning up some weeks.’

Realising she hadn’t spared a thought for how this was going to affect Fliss, Josie said, ‘I have to make it, no matter how bad I feel. I wouldn’t want to let my boss down, and anyway we need the money.’

‘I understand, but if you fall into financial hardship there are benefits you can claim.’

Josie’s eyes went down. She could imagine what Jeff would have to say about living off the state.

Whatever he said, it would be better than living on the streets.

‘What other side effects are there?’ she asked. ‘I know about the sickness, but is there anything else?’

‘Well, it’s different for everyone, of course, but you might suffer from constipation, or fatigue which is common. Do you have any ongoing dental problems?’

Josie shook her head.

‘Good, but do try to get a check-up with your dentist in the next couple of weeks to let him know you’re going to be having chemotherapy.’

‘Oh my God, don’t tell me my teeth are going to fall out,’ Josie cried, half laughing, half horrified.

‘Don’t worry, it hasn’t happened to anyone yet,’ Yvonne assured her, ‘but you might suffer from a sore mouth, or bleeding gums. Your dentist will advise you on how to deal with it, but essentially you should make sure you clean your teeth after every meal, always with a soft toothbrush; use an alcohol-free mouthwash; drink plenty of water to keep your mouth moist, and chew sugar-free gum to stimulate the production of saliva. You’ll find all this information in the Breast Cancer Care chemotherapy booklet, which is in your package.’

Glad of that, since she was sure she wouldn’t retain it all, Josie tried to think what else she needed to know. ‘What about sex?’ she suddenly remembered. ‘Is it possible while I’m having treatment?’

‘It is, but you should use a condom during the first few days to avoid your husband becoming exposed to the drugs. Actually, you should be prepared for finding yourself less interested in sex during this time, either because you’re anxious, or nauseous or even menopausal, which is something we ought to discuss, because your ovaries are going to be affected by the treatment.’

‘You mean,’ Josie cleared her throat, ‘you mean I’m going to end up infertile?’ It wasn’t that she wanted any more children, they couldn’t afford them, but going through the change at forty-two . . .

‘It’s possible, considering your age and the type of drugs you’ll be given. Do you already have children?’

‘Yes, two.’

‘How old are they?’

‘Twenty-one and eighteen.’ More tears suddenly flooded her eyes. ‘I have to be there for them,’ she told the nurse brokenly. ‘I know they’re older, but they still need me.’

‘Of course. They never stop needing their mother.’

Josie tried to smile, but she was falling apart. ‘I have to beat this,’ she gulped. ‘I don’t care what the side effects are, well I do, but what’s really important is that I get through it and come out the other side.’

‘Indeed it is,’ Yvonne agreed, ‘and believe me, we’re going to be doing everything in our power to make sure you do.’

Bel was frowning to herself as she sorted through the dozens of brochures she’d just received from Breast Cancer Care. It seemed Holly, her contact at the charity, had appointed her official delivery person for the Kesterly area. Not that she minded, she was happy to help in any way she could, she just felt sad that it took so little time for supplies to run low. It wasn’t only the clinic she needed to stock up again, but a couple of health centres, several doctors’ surgeries and two local support groups.

Setting them aside to go through the rest of the mail, she found an envelope with a Romanian postmark and immediately opened it.

Dear Mrs Isabella, thank you letter you send for Anca. I very sad her go to God. Maybe she see your sister there. I am sorry for this loss. You are kind writing.
Fii binecuvantat,
Jenica Bojin.

Feeling the sadness weighting those few words, Bel turned to the window and gazed out at the horizon. She couldn’t imagine ever meeting Jenica Bojin, but this small contact between them seemed to matter in a way that was both perplexing and moving. It felt as though an invisible distance was closing, proving how small the world could be and how important it was to connect to people in pain. This wouldn’t have happened were it not for Talia, and her attempt to be there for a girl in distress.

‘
Thanks for contacting her mother, Bel
,’ she could hear Talia saying. ‘
I’d have done it myself if we had pens over here
.’

No pens, no computers, no telephones, no way of contacting their loved ones at all, and yet somehow Talia always seemed to be in touch.
Just because you can’t see me doesn’t mean I’m not there.

As the memory of those words closed around her she quickly pulled free of them. She couldn’t think about her own mother now.
Just think about Talia
.

‘
See this
?
’ Talia cried, holding up a sheet. ‘It’s the fabric of time and we’re going to tear right through it to find out what happens when there are holes we can step in and out of. Maybe we can hide in a different dimension
.’

‘
Why are you doing that
?’
Talia asked when Bel kept blowing out imaginary candles.

‘I’m creating the winds of change,’ Bel explained. ‘If we can make them strong enough they might blow him away.’

They’d hardly ever referred to him as Daddy, he was just
him
, or
the artist,
or
that man
.

That man had left a message on Nick’s mobile saying how thrilled he was to hear his son-in-law wanted to come to the show. ‘I hope you’re going to bring Bel,’ he’d added. ‘It’s been too long since I saw her and it’s time to let bygones be bygones.’

So that was how he summed up the past these days, as bygones.

Reaching for her mobile as it rang, she saw it was Nick and clicked on. ‘Hi, how’re things?’ she asked, using a cheery tone to bring herself back to the present.

‘OK,’ he replied. ‘What about you?’

‘Fine. Nothing new. What can I do for you?’

‘Are you going to be there this evening? I thought I’d come over.’

Surprised, and pleased, she said, ‘Do you mean we’re going to have an evening just the two of us?’ They used to have them all the time, before Kristina.

‘If that’s OK with you.’

‘Of course. I’d love it. Shall I make supper?’

‘I’ll come after, if that’s OK. Kristina needs help putting the children to bed, and they’re sure to want a story. Shall we say eight thirty?’

‘Sounds good. I’ll look forward to it, just don’t think you’re going to talk me into going to that show.’

‘I know I could never do that, nor would I try, and the tickets aren’t for me, remember? Have you contacted Harry Beck yet to let him know his wish has come true?’

‘I sent a text earlier.’

‘Great. The tickets arrived this morning. I’ll bring them with me later.’

After ringing off, she carried on sifting through the mail, binning half of it and taking the rest to her computer. She’d barely sat down when the phone rang again. This time it was Harry.

‘Hi, did you get my text?’ she asked, feeling in a better mood since speaking to Nick.

‘It’s why I’m ringing,’ Harry replied. ‘I’m deeply in your debt now, I hope you realise that.’

‘As far as I know the tickets are complimentary,’ she teased.

‘You know what I’m saying, and I’m going to find a way of showing my gratitude – I just have to come up with it.’

‘You honestly don’t need to. It was Nick who made the call. He’s bringing them later so I’ll pop them into the clinic tomorrow or Thursday to save you coming out of your way.’

‘No, no, I insist on picking them up. It’s the least I can do.’

‘It’s OK, I have to drop some brochures off anyway, so it won’t be any trouble.’

‘Hang on.’ He went off the line for a moment and though she was able to hear him speaking she couldn’t make out what he was saying. ‘Sorry about that,’ he said, coming back. ‘I’m afraid I have to go.’

‘No problem. Sounds like a busy day.’

‘Every day is that, and this one’s turning into a particularly difficult one. If you let me know when you’re coming I’ll do my best to pop out and say hi. If you time it right, I might even treat you to a sandwich at the infirmary caff.’

‘Sounds irresistible,’ she laughed, and after promising to text when she was on her way, she rang off, preparing once again to tackle the mountain of paperwork in front of her that never seemed to get any smaller.

Just after lunch Barry Burgess, the builder she’d used to renovate Stillwater, rang to tip her off about an old barn in the village of Dodderton that was about to come on the market.

‘If you’re interested,’ he said excitedly, ‘I know the farmer, so I can probably get you in ahead of the game.’

Since it had long been her ambition to convert a barn she decided to waste no time, jumped in the car and drove straight there. Barry was waiting with the farmer, who turned out to have no teeth and a decidedly off-colour sense of humour. However, his old hay barn with two acres of land and a milking shed was, for her, an absolute dream of a project.

She offered him a hundred thousand less than he was asking, he pushed her up by forty grand and the deal was sealed with a handshake.

By the end of the day solicitors were already involved, and not for a single moment did she regret such an impulsive buy. She hadn’t felt this excited in way too long, and the fact that it was going to tie her to Kesterly for at least the next year or two was hardly a problem when Nick and the children were here.

‘Wow, that’s fantastic,’ Nick laughed, as she poured two glasses of champagne. ‘Where is it?’

‘Dodderton, so only a couple of miles from Senway. I won’t be living there when it’s done, it’s far too big, but I should make a fabulous profit once I’ve pulled it all together. Barry Burgess is going to do the work. You probably remember him from when he did this house.’

‘Of course. Great choice. If I remember rightly he came in on time, and more or less on budget.’

‘Give or take fifty grand,’ she added wryly, ‘but that was mostly me adding things and changing my mind as we went through. I’ve already left messages for the surveyor and architect I used last time around, so I’m hoping we can meet at the barn sometime later this week.’

‘You really don’t hang about, do you?’ he grinned as she clinked her glass to his.

With a wry grimace, she said, ‘We’ve got the planning nightmare to get through yet, but you wait till you see it. The position is amazing, countryside views that go on for miles, and it has
two
cart doors, front and back.’

‘No,’ he gasped. ‘
Two
. You’ve really landed on your feet with this one.’

Laughing, she led the way to the sofas and sat down with a contented sigh. ‘Honestly, I haven’t felt this positive about anything in way too long,’ she told him. As the words left her she felt suddenly weighted by guilt. She didn’t want to move on without her sister, but how could she stop it?

‘She’d be thrilled for you,’ Nick said softly, clearly reading her mind.

Bel had to agree. ‘She was always far more generous-spirited than I can manage,’ she confessed, ‘but I’m doing my best to be more like her.’

‘You’re a lot kinder than you give yourself credit for, and I have two children who’d definitely back me up on that.’

Smiling, she said, ‘Talia was always so proud of them.’

‘Yes, she was,’ he agreed sadly, ‘and I am too. They’ve coped really well since she went, and it’s largely thanks to you.’

‘You too,’ she insisted. ‘You’re a great father. They really couldn’t wish for a better one.’

His eyes went down and she was about to reach for his hand when he said, ‘Speaking of fathers, Edwin rang when I was on my way here.’

Feeling the joy drain out of her, she put her glass down and pushed her hands through her hair. ‘Do I need to know that?’ she asked.

He shook his head. ‘Maybe not, but I thought I should tell you anyway.’

They sat quietly for a moment, the spectre of her father seeming to grow more stifling by the second.

‘Did you tell him the tickets aren’t for you?’ she prompted in the end.

‘I did. He was very disappointed, he said, and he wants to know if there’s anything he can do to change our minds.’

‘He could die, then he wouldn’t have to bother doing anything,’ she retorted angrily.

Nick nodded, apparently having guessed that would be her response.

She regarded him carefully. ‘Nick, please tell me you’re not about to ask me to reconsider,’ she begged.

‘No, not at all,’ he assured her.

Not as convinced as she’d have liked to be, she said, ‘So what did you say to him?’

He looked away.

‘Oh my God, Nick, you did tell him you’d try to persuade me, didn’t you? How could you? You know what he did . . .’

‘Bel, stop. What I told him was that nothing was ever going to change your mind, and if he thought he could talk me into trying he should save his breath.’

More satisfied with that, she continued to regard him. ‘So why am I getting the impression there’s more?’ she said.

He seemed surprised, but then his expression changed again and she almost felt his mood sinking. ‘There isn’t, or not about him,’ he replied, ‘but I do have some news I need to share with you.’

‘
I HAVE SOME
news,’ Josie announced, closing down the computer as Jeff came in the door. It was Wednesday afternoon now and she’d told him she was going for an interview at a sandwich kiosk on the trading estate, so he’d be wondering what she was doing here.