Never Look Back (77 page)

‘As bristly as ever,’ he smiled. ‘Still as English and twice as beautiful! I have to admit, Matty, that your gown becomes you far more than the widow’s weeds you wore on the trail. If I haven’t been able to express my admiration for this place, it’s only because I am so overwhelmed by seeing you again.’

Appeased, Matilda relaxed a little, telling him that it had all really come about through John’s business, then his death. He
questioned her closely about the timber deals, clearly impressed by this, and went on to say how so many of his old friends had been caught up with gold fever, and how men he knew back in the East were hoping to build a rail road right across America to here before long.

‘I’ve heard that too,’ she said. Henry Slocum was anxious to get involved with this scheme and just lately he rarely talked about anything else. ‘I just wish people back in the East could be warned before they set out that few of them will make a fortune from gold. I’ve seen more men leave the town penniless than ones with loaded wallets.’

‘I don’t much care about the crazy people who chase dreams,’ he said. ‘My fear is chiefly for the Indians. There is bad trouble brewing, so far there have been only minor skirmishes with the settlers, but the Indians are far from happy now so many people are trailing across their lands. We are introducing diseases that they have no resistance to. The herds of bison they rely on for survival are being decimated. If we lay train tracks across their hunting grounds and bring millions more people, they will rise up and we will see bloodshed so terrible I cannot bear to think of it.’

She was very pleased to find he’d retained his support for the Indians, most men she’d met in this town would gladly see them wiped out. ‘That will make it very difficult for you then, James,’ she said in sympathy. ‘For I suppose as an army officer, you will have to lead men out to fight them?’

He nodded, and looked ashamed. ‘What else can I do? I have to take orders. But I don’t like it, Matty. I’ve learnt to admire and understand the Indians, there is much in their culture which is preferable to our own. I think it would be possible for white settlers to live peaceably alongside the Indians, if it was handled with sensitivity on both sides. But the vast majority of men in government are fools, or greedy speculators interested in nothing more than lining their own pockets.’

‘Can’t you take a middle road and speak up for Indian rights, while still protecting the settlers?’ she asked.

‘There doesn’t appear to be a middle road anywhere in life,’ he said with great sadness. ‘You of all people must know that, Matty.’

She knew exactly what he meant. By opening a place like
London Lil’s she had ostracized herself from society. Yet had she chosen to stay in Oregon living what most people perceived as a ‘decent’ life, she would be no nearer it either.

‘Someone long ago once asked me what I wished for from life,’ she said. ‘My reply was, that by the time I died I wanted to have felt I had made a difference, for the good, in someone else’s. It’s still my wish, and that’s my middle road, Captain.’

He smiled. ‘That’s a good wish,’ he said. ‘And I’m glad to see you haven’t lost an ounce of the integrity and courage that you displayed so admirably on the trail. Now, I see there are people dancing down there – is London Lil herself allowed to dance?’

‘I see no reason why not, Captain,’ she laughed. ‘It will probably be the talk of the town tomorrow, but such things never bothered me before.’

‘If you call me Captain one more time I might just give them even more to talk about,’ he said with twinkling eyes. ‘You have been warned!’

Matilda had never danced with a man since the night with Flynn in New York when the Milsons were away in Boston. But the moment James held out his arms to her all the excitement and wonder of that night came back to her. Lily had schooled her back in Missouri, just in case the opportunity of a real dance ever arose, but two women holding each other and giggling as they tried to hum a tune and keep in step was nothing like being in the arms of a real live man.

Her eyes couldn’t even see over his shoulder and he held her so tightly she could only follow the movements of his body with her own. But then the dance floor was so tightly packed that these movements weren’t fast or intricate, and soon she was closing her eyes, listening only to the music and luxuriating in the delight of being held by strong male arms.

She suspected the band moved on to play slow numbers just for them, for the fast jigs were more popular with the customers. With so few women to dance with, men often danced together. Indeed, part of the attraction of London Lil’s was the ridiculous performances put on by some men. She’d seen men don a sun-bonnet and apron and adopt a simpering manner with their partners. When the cancan was played there were higher kicks from men than ever were seen from the dancing girls on stage.

But tonight she was oblivious to all but James’s hand on her
waist, his cheek resting against her hair, and his lean body moving at one with hers. Somewhere along the line he let go of her right hand and let his come to rest on her shoulder, gently stroking the bare skin with the tips of his fingers. She felt the stirring of desire deep inside her, and she wished she was taller just so that his cheek could be against hers.

A small voice whispered inside her head that she was making a spectacle of herself, but she ignored it. James was an old and very dear friend, why shouldn’t she dance with him? Fate had brought him back to her, and there was absolutely nothing to prevent them becoming sweethearts if that’s what they wanted. She knew then that was exactly what she wanted. In all this time in San Francisco, countless men had tried to woo her, but she’d given them all short shrift. Not one had ever made her feel dizzy and excited, and she’d begun to think that no man could. Until now.

Other men tried to cut in, but James ignored them, whirling her away with a little chuckle. She kept her eyes shut because tonight she didn’t want to see curious stares or smiles. All she wanted was this state of bliss to last for ever.

They were stopped by the band suddenly switching from the sad refrain of ‘Fair Annie’ to the frenzied rhythm of ‘Oh Susanna’ and Matilda realized the second show of the evening was about to commence.

‘Did you have a good time?’

Matilda stiffened with shock at hearing Zandra’s voice as she stepped into the apartment some hours later.

‘Yes, it was lovely,’ she replied, lifting the oil lamp a little higher so she could see to bolt the door. She guessed by Zandra’s question that Mary had popped up to tell her she had gone out with a man.

‘Well, come in here and tell me all about it,’ Zandra called out. ‘I haven’t been able to sleep because I was consumed with curiosity about who you were with. Mary said she’d never seen him before, but she thought he must be an old friend.’

Matilda went into Zandra’s bedroom and put the lamp down on the wash-stand. Her friend had made this room very attractive. Above her brass bed, drapes of blue dyed muslin were fixed to a central crown, and the quilt she’d made herself was all
in different shades of blue. Propped up among pillows trimmed with lace, wearing a snowy-white night-gown and cap, she looked every inch a Contessa.

Sitting down on the bed, Matilda explained who the stranger was, and how after dancing with her, he had asked her to go down to the Bella Union in the plaza to play the tables.

‘He said he wasn’t a gambling man, but that I’d bring him luck,’ Matilda giggled. ‘And I must have done, he won two hundred dollars. Then we had some supper at a new place called Georgie’s. Then he brought me home.’

Zandra smiled. She wondered if Matilda had been kissed, her skin and eyes were glowing with a light that didn’t only come from the lamp. She recalled her friend’s stories about this man who led her wagon train, and there had been a hint she’d been disappointed he didn’t write or come to search her out at Cissie’s place. ‘And will you be seeing him again?’ she asked.

‘He’s taking me riding tomorrow,’ Matilda said, leaning forward, her face suddenly anxious. ‘What on earth will I wear?’

‘I doubt if he’ll care if you ride in your chemise,’ Zandra said tartly. ‘Not judging by the enraptured look on your face.’

Matilda giggled. ‘You can’t imagine how good it was to see him again, Zandra. I liked him so much then, but I was pregnant and I couldn’t even begin to think of anything romantic. But it’s different now, isn’t it?’

‘It certainly is, and it’s high time you let a man into your life,’ Zandra said. ‘Now, about what you can wear tomorrow. I do have a riding habit in my closet. You’re welcome to wear that, I’m sure it will fit you. Unfortunately it’s bottle-green, not your colour, but I have a silk scarf you can wear which will lift it.’

‘Why do you have a riding habit?’ Matilda asked. Zandra never wore anything other than black, but when she moved in with her she brought four trunks of gowns and other clothes, some dating back forty years. But a riding habit seemed a very unlikely thing for her to own.

‘Because, my little innocent, I wasn’t always a frail old lady, I used to ride well and I loved it. So I kept the habit for old times’ sake.’

Matilda suddenly realized how late it was. ‘I’d better go and leave you to sleep,’ she said. ‘Would you like anything before I go?’

‘No, my dear,’ she said. ‘It’s good to see you happy. You have a lovely time tomorrow and don’t worry about downstairs. They’ll cope without you.’

‘Will I do?’ Matilda said, twisting this way and that in front of Zandra’s cheval looking glass. The riding habit could have been made for her, the close-fitting velvet jacket was flattering and the skirt was divided like men’s pants, yet standing up it had the appearance of a normal long skirt. To top it off was a pert little pill-box hat with a veil and feather.

Zandra knotted a scarf lariat-style around her neck. It was cream with green spots and instantly reflected a more flattering tone on to Matilda’s face.

‘Do? You look adorable,’ Zandra said. ‘Now, don’t get yourself thrown, it’s undignified, not to mention painful. If he wants to career off at a gallop, resist the temptation to copy him. I suspect your riding experience is limited to cart horses.’

‘It is,’ Matilda giggled, suddenly feeling as if she was sixteen again instead of twenty-six. ‘But I didn’t tell James that.’

‘I doubt he’s setting out to test you,’ Zandra said with a wicked grin. ‘You’ll soon know if he has if he turns up with a huge stallion for you.’

Clearly Zandra was right, for although James rode up the hill at eleven in the morning on a fine black stallion, he’d brought a docile grey mare for her which looked at Matilda’s slight figure almost with relief.

‘You look splendid,’ James said with a smile. ‘I take it by that outfit you go riding a great deal?’

Matilda wasn’t going to admit her habit was borrowed, or blurt out that she thought he looked splendid too. He was wearing his uniform and it suited him far better than civilian clothes, giving him that slightly rakish look she’d admired when they first met. But she wasn’t going to flatter him, or admit she didn’t normally ride, so she just laughed, and before he could even dismount to help her, she put one foot in the stirrups and leaped up into the saddle.

‘I didn’t think you’d have much use for a lady’s saddle,’ he said, grinning broadly. ‘Which is just as well because the livery stables didn’t have one.’

They took the path going away from the town, right out to
beyond the last buildings, and then on to rough ground along the crest of the hills going south. It was a beautiful morning without any of the customary mist, and as there had been little rain recently it was easy going.

They rode for perhaps an hour, chatting easily, very much the way they used to on the trail. Last night they’d talked about current things, the town and her business, but now he wanted to know everything about Tabitha and Amelia. It became increasingly clear to her that she and her children had left a vivid and permanent mark in his memory, and this thrilled her.

‘And what of your step-mother and brothers back in England?’ he asked.

‘I only received one letter from Dolly after I got to Oregon,’ Matilda said sadly. ‘She didn’t sound herself then, all she said was that she was very tired. I guess she must have died soon after and there was no one to let me know. I often wonder about my brothers, where they are, what they are doing. But I guess I’ll never find out now. What about your family, James, have you seen them at all?’

‘I kinda made the peace with them when I was back in Virginia for a while,’ he said with a wry smirk. ‘I can’t say I like them any better, but I guess getting older has made me more tolerant.’

He didn’t elaborate on this, and reined in his horse to stop and look at a fine view of the bay. As usual it was full of ships, and in the bright spring sunshine it looked idyllic.

‘This would be a fine place to build a house,’ he said reflectively. ‘I could sit by a window every day and never get tired of that view.’

‘Would you want to settle here then if you left the army?’ she asked, her heart suddenly skipping a beat.

‘I used to think I would before they found gold and the whole place turned crazy,’ he said, looking at her and smiling. ‘I love the mild climate and the ocean, but I don’t think I’d want to live so close to all those vagabonds and thieves down there in the town.’

‘What a ridiculous sweeping statement!’ she exclaimed indignantly. ‘Mostly they are just adventurers.’

‘Like you?’ he said, raising one bushy fair eyebrow, his lips bent into a sneer.

‘Yes, like me,’ she retorted. ‘It’s my kind of town, I love its courage, its lack of hypocrisy, it’s a far more honest place than any other I’ve lived in.’

He shook his head at her. ‘It may seem that way now, Matty, but when the matrons, the ministers and law and order arrive you may very well find yourself on the wrong side of the fence.’

‘That’s ridiculous too,’ she snapped. ‘My place is the most popular in town.’

‘I know, a great many people have told me so,’ he said. ‘They say everyone loves it, right from the most influential businessman down to the poorest miner and stevedore.’