Never Let Go (10 page)

I can tell there’s something he’s not telling me. There’s something else on his mind. “You’d really give up all that for me?” I ask.

Andrew hesitates only a bit, then nods. “Yes. I really would.”

“And you’re sure you can get another job next term?”

Andrew runs a hand through his hair. “Yeah. I mean, I think so. I’m in good standing with the administration. Maybe they’ll even assign me to another peer group. Not all the peer leaders stay on board the full year. Some get overwhelmed with their other responsibilities and drop out. There might be vacancies.”

“What if I told you… I’d wait for you?”

Andrew blinks. “What?”

I nod. “I mean, I know it’ll be tough seeing you every week and not being able to
do
anything about it. But, if you’re willing to quit your job for me, I’m willing to wait. You don’t have to lose anything. You said it’s just until next term, right? And then you can get assigned to a different group?”

“Yeah, but that’s all the way into January,” Andrew wavers.

“Something tells me it’ll be worth it.” I lean over and kiss his cheek.

Andrew goes stiff. He inhales a breath through his nose and lets it out his mouth. “If we’re going to do this,” he says, his jaw tight, “then you can’t do that again.”

“I know,” I sigh. “It just felt right.”

Andrew eases back onto the bench. “I’m not blaming you, Paige. I’m just saying, nobody can see us like this. Until January.”

“Then I’ll wait until January.” I lean into his shoulder. He seems to freeze for a heartbeat, then, slowly, he puts his arm around me.

I like Andrew. He’s safe and comfortable. I like the way I fit under his arm. I wish things could be different between us, but they’re not. I can respect his desire to stick to the rules. And since he was ready to quit his job for me, the least I can do is wait a few months until our situation becomes less complicated.

If I try, I can probably find tons of things to occupy my time until then. Classes. Swimming lessons. Maybe I’ll even get involved in some extracurricular activities. I never had time for them in high school.

A long time passes with Andrew holding me like that. Neither of us says a word. I take comfort in the slow, steady rhythm of his breathing. I make sure to enjoy the moment. I know I won’t get another one like it until the school year is halfway through.

Eventually, Andrew shifts away. I look at him. “Probably time to get you home,” he says.

I yawn and rub my sleepy eyes. “Yeah,” I agree.

He walks me to my dorm holding my hand. We don’t see anybody the whole way there.

Andrew hesitates in letting me go when we stop before the entrance. I look up at his face, illuminated by the glow of the yellow bulb above us. He looks handsome. And very…
wholesome
. If anybody out there is prime boyfriend material, Andrew definitely is it.

He glances down at our linked hands. When he looks up, he seems to be having some type of internal battle with himself. He takes a step closer. “Paige…”

My thoughts return to the last time he kissed me. Right here, on this very spot. Is he going to do it again?

“Yes?’ I ask. Unconsciously, I lick my lips.

“I… Never mind.” He leans forward so our foreheads touch, then gives my hand a final squeeze. “I’ll miss you. I mean, I know I’ll see you all the time. But it’s not the same thing, and…”

He’s blabbering. I can tell. So, I decide to take initiative. There’s nobody around to see, right?

I go on my toes and brush my lips against his.

For a second, I think he’s going to kiss me back.

That hope fades when he shudders and draws away.

“Not now,” he tells me. “But soon. I promise. Good night, Paige.”

He turns and walks away, leaving me by myself.

Chapter Eleven

I walk into my dorm and drop down on the couch. I don’t bother to turn the lights on. The darkness suits my mood.

I hate the way Andrew pulled away. He didn’t even reciprocate my kiss a little bit!

Is it my own fault for expecting something else? Andrew made it clear how things have to be. I promised to wait. Well, wait I will.

But I can’t just tell my body to wait. It wants more of Andrew
now
. Not tomorrow. Not in five months. Right
now
.

I exhale and close my eyes. I should be thrilled with the way the night turned out. I fixed things with Andrew. Whatever Spencer did earlier doesn’t even matter.

Still, I want something else. I
crave
something more. Waiting five months? It doesn’t seem fair.

I get up and drag myself to bed. I wonder how Katy’s holding out at the party. Will she bring anyone home?

I change into my pajama bottoms but leave the tank top on. It’s too hot a night for anything else.

I crawl onto my bed, leaving the blanket scrunched up at my feet. I want to sleep, but my mind is too active.

I start wondering if I could have done anything different with Andrew. There was nobody around when he left me. What was to stop me from dragging him up here myself?

I sigh and turn over. Now I’m just as bad as Katy. Still, I can’t help but wish that Andrew had the guts—the
courage—
to disregard the rules for one night and steal into my room.

I wish I had the courage to lead him here.

A sudden banging on the entrance door causes me to jolt upright. My heart skips a beat. Could that be Andrew?

I run out my room and down the hall. The banging continues, loud and angry.

I’m breathless with anticipation by the time I reach the door. My hand shakes as I fumble with the lock. The mechanism clicks in place. I throw the door open…

And find Spencer standing in the hallway.

I’m too stunned for words. There’s sweat on his forehead, as if he’d just run ten miles. His cheeks are red and he’s breathing hard.

My surprise doesn’t last long. I steady myself. “If you’re here for Katy,” I tell him in my best no-nonsense voice, “she’s not here.”

Spencer looks confused for a moment. “Katy?” He shakes his head. “No. No, I’m here for you.”

I look at him in disbelief. “Why?”

“Why? Fuck, woman! Why do you think?”

“I don’t know,” I say plainly, crossing my arms.

He growls. “I’m here for you because of what happened at the party. Shit! I must have spent half the night running around trying to find you.”

Something about his words makes me feel uncomfortably fluttery inside. I narrow my eyes to try to stamp the feeling out. “Well, here I am. Congratulations, you found me.” I start closing the door. “Now you can go.”

He stops it with his hand. “I’m not going anywhere until I talk to you.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” I say, trying to force the door to move. Spencer is too strong. There’s an intensity in his eyes that frightens me.

“I need to talk to you,” he repeats. “To explain myself.”

“Explain yourself?” I bark a laugh. “How much is there to explain, Spencer?” I know I’m not going to win the battle with the door, so I let go, as if I don’t care about it anymore. “I saw what you were doing. Even an
innocent
girl like me can figure it out.” I spit the word he’d used to describe me once. “You’re a man-whore. And I want nothing to do with you. Now leave.”

“Dammit, it’s not like that!” He makes me jump by slamming his fist against the door.

“So you have a temper, too,” I note. “How attractive.”

He takes a breath to compose himself. “I don’t have a
temper
. It’s you. It’s what you do to me.”

Oh, no. I’ve heard that one before. “You can’t manipulate me into thinking any of this is my fault. I don’t even know why I’m having this discussion with you, Spencer. I should be asleep.”

“You should be asleep…” he mumbles under his breath. His eyes shoot up to meet mine. “No. Dammit, no, you shouldn’t. Answer one question. If the answer’s
no
, I’ll leave right now. I’ll leave you alone. Like you say you want. Even if I know that’s not what you really want.”

“Fine,” I say, deciding to humor him. “What is it?”

“You left the party because of me.”

I shift under his possessive stare. “That’s not a question.”

“That’s what I want to know.”

Dammit. I’m caught. “I don’t see what that has to do with anything—”

“Just answer the question!”

I swallow. “Yes,” I admit.

Spencer nods. “That’s what I thought.” He steps through the doorway past me. “Now I have to tell you my side of the story.”

“Spencer, there is no your side of the story!” I say, exasperated. “I saw what I saw. Things are pretty black and white. It doesn’t even matter. I don’t care what you do.”

“If you really don’t care,” Spencer says, turning on me, “why did you leave?”

“I…” I don’t know how to answer. He’s caught me again. I decide evasion is the best course of action.

I cross the room to get some distance between us. “It doesn’t matter why I left,” I mutter. “Maybe I just didn’t want to be there anymore.”

“But I invited you. That’s what upset you, isn’t it? That I invited you and then—” he grimaces, “—
forgot
about you.”

“So what if it is?” I ask. How is it that my actions are so transparent? Spencer’s reading me like a book. It’s unnerving. “I don’t care anymore, Spencer. You can do whatever the hell you want. You told me I’ll see the truth of your reputation at the party. Well, you definitely delivered on that promise.”

“This is
not
like that,” he stresses. In three quick strides he’s across the room, backing me into a corner. “I was waiting for you all night. All fucking night. There were a lot of people there. It’s easy to get lost. All night, I was waiting, and searching, and waiting. And then I finally find you,” his words turn into a low, angry growl, “on the dance floor. Grinding up to some other guy. Then he started putting his hands on you, and I… I just snapped. I wanted to rip his fucking head off.

“I don’t know what it is about you, but you evoke that in me.” He smirks. “But you probably don’t believe me. After all, you probably think all females are the same to me. Two legs and a vagina. That’s what Kate
poisoned your mind with, isn’t it?”

He’s standing so close I’m afraid to move. I can feel the heat radiate from his body. I can
feel
the intensity of his words. My heart’s pounding like crazy in my chest.

“Don’t trust everything she says,” Spencer continues. “Kate has her own reasons for doing things.”

“So what?” I say, trying to create some space between us. I feel very small with his looming body in front of me. Every breath I take fills my lungs with his deeply masculine scent. “You expect me to think of you as some kind of saint now?”

“No. Listen.” Spencer’s hands jut out to either side of me. He presses them against the walls. I’m boxed in. “I was on my way to pull the bastard off you when Steph grabbed my arm. She invited me with her. I wasn’t thinking straight. Fuck, maybe I was. I thought, ‘Who am I to decide who you dance with?’”

He grunts. “It made sense at the time. You clearly were more interested in him. So, why would I stay and wait for you? I was angry, pissed off. Steph was a sure thing. I went with her.”

“You sound like a pig,” I declare.

That earns me a crooked smile. “I do, don’t I?” he says softly. “I can’t help it. It’s what you do to me.” He bends his elbows so that he’s leaning into me. My back is pressed up against the wall. Spencer’s body is hard against mine.

“Sometimes,” he whispers in my ear, “I act like one, too.”

Suddenly, his mouth is on mine. He kisses me hard. His hand goes in my hair and holds me by my roots to keep me in place. His tongue strokes my lower lip, and then glides into my mouth to meet mine. And—without thinking—I kiss him back.

Spencer grunts and steps into me. One of my legs folds up to wrap around his hips. I gasp at the foreign feeling of his shaft pressing into my belly. Need pools between my legs. I moan, wanting more. Somewhere in the depths of my mind, alarm bells are going off.
I’m kissing Spencer. Oh my God, I’m kissing Spencer!

His hands fly down to my waist and he spins us around. Now I’m the one falling into him. I clamber for support as my knees don’t want to hold me anymore. Spencer’s holding me tight by the small of my back. My hands brush over his hard shoulders, slide down his firm, very muscular chest.

“No!” I break away, breathing hard. I don’t know what’s gotten into me. Every heartbeat sends adrenaline rushing through my body. “No. Spencer—no. No! What are we doing?” I look wildly around the room. I’m a freaking mess. “You can’t just—you can’t…”

Spencer stands still in the corner. He watches me, eyes sharp and focused. Waiting on my reaction.

“You can’t just… kiss me like that!” I spit at him. I stagger back. I can’t get far enough. The room feels too small. Too cramped. The walls loom over me.

Spencer doesn’t move. He stands and waits, giving me the space I need.

I feel like yelling. Like screaming. Like crying. I’m emotional, but I don’t even know
how
. Tens, dozens, hell,
hundreds
of different emotions are swirling around inside me like snowflakes caught in a gale.

I turn away, take two steps. Stop. I twirl back. Go to the couch. Lean against it for support. I feel like I’m about to explode. I feel like going hysterical. The room starts to spin…

“It’s okay.” Spencer’s soft voice brings me back to myself. He still hasn’t moved from the corner. “It was just a kiss.”

“Just a kiss. Just a kiss?
Hah
!” I stop, one hand on my hip, the other brushing the hair from my face. My cheeks are burning, my lips swollen from the assault by Spencer’s mouth. “That was
not
just a kiss!”

“No?” Spencer takes a cautious step forward. “Tell me it was more, then. Tell me what you felt.”

“I…” How can I put anything I felt into
words
? It’s beyond me.