Never Forgotten (Never Forgotten Series) (29 page)

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hat teenager ever imagines she would attend her mother’s funeral? I certainly didn’t. Although Mom joked that she wasn’t going to die right away, she didn’t make it through the night.

She woke one more time and asked for more tea, but she fell asleep before the second cup grew cold. As she slept, we listened as her breathing grew raspy and irregular. The night nurse kept an eye on her vitals and administered morphine, but otherwise sat discreetly in the corner of the room. Around two, my mom stopped breathing. Her face, relaxed in sleep, looked peaceful. I gave her one last kiss on the cheek before I collapsed on the floor.

I didn’t remember much after that. I woke the next morning in my room, and the days that followed were a blur of funeral planning. My father and grandparents handled most of the details. I only spoke when someone asked me something.

Evan was by my side whenever he could slip away from school. I worried about him falling behind, but he told me not to. The awkwardness between us faded. I knew he had forgiven me, although he never said as much.

I reread the card Kim sent that arrived the day before. She apologized that she couldn’t be there, but she provided just the right words of comfort. I missed her. I set the card back on my nightstand and rose to draw back the curtains. How appropriate that the sky was thick with angry clouds. A bitter wind blew, and thunder rumbled in the distance. I felt the electrical charge in the air—the barely contained fury. I wondered absently if my father was behind it—if the pending storm was a manifestation of his grief.

I dressed methodically, slipping into the black dress I bought the day before. I brushed my hair, but skipped the makeup. I would only cry it off anyway.

Evan waited in the living room. I was grateful he was here. He looked handsome in his dark suit.

“Thanks for waiting,” I said. He crossed the room and held me close. I relaxed into him. He was so warm, and I was so cold.

He slid his hands down my arms as he stepped back, grasping my hands in his. “Are you all set?” I was glad he didn’t say “ready”. How could anyone be ready for this?

The drive to the chapel went too fast. I wanted to run, to hide, to go anywhere but inside, where I would face the inevitability of my mother in a coffin. The finality of it all.

It was a fruitless wish. Nothing changed the fact that she was gone forever.

My grandparents stood next to David in the front. Mourners continued to arrive for the visitation. I felt obligated to stand near them, although I stayed as far away from the open casket as I could. I didn’t need or want the closure of seeing her lifeless body. I had all the closure I could handle for the moment.

Evan stood beside me and held my hand. The line of visitors grew—it seemed everyone one in town and the surrounding area had come—people I didn’t even know and never saw before. The strong perfume of flowers cloyed the air, and it was difficult to breathe. My throat started to close, and I collapsed against Evan. He caught me, his movements so subtle that I doubt anyone else noticed. He leaned over and whispered something to my grandfather, who looked at me and nodded briskly.

Next thing I knew, Evan was leading me out of the chapel and down an empty corridor. He sat me in a chair and pushed my head toward my knees. “Breathe, Meara,” he instructed firmly. “You’re about to pass out.”

I breathed slowly, deeply, closing my eyes and concentrating on the movement—in, out, in, out. With a barely audible sigh, I sat up. I felt a fraction better, one step back from the edge. I focused on my surroundings, the creamy brick walls, the dark blue linoleum tiles, and the long row of fluorescent lights. One flickered at the end of the hall. Evan crouched in front of me, his hand resting lightly on my knee. His eyes were shadowed in concern. I attempted a smile, but grimaced instead.

“I’m better. Thanks,” I said.

Evan ignored me. “When was the last time you ate something?”

I tried to remember. Was it yesterday? The day before?

“I thought so,” he said when I didn’t answer. “Stay here.”

He didn’t have to tell me twice. I was more than happy to avoid prying eyes and stay in the hall.

“There you are!” I looked up and saw Ula hurrying toward me. I almost didn’t recognize her. She swapped her vintage hippie chick for subdued black dress pants and a black, silk blouse. Her hair was a riot of curls. “I’ve been looking all over for you,” she continued. “Thank goodness I ran into Evan.”

She hugged me before sitting on the floor next to my chair. She rummaged through her worn leather backpack until she pulled out something wrapped in brown paper.

“For you,” she said with a flourish. “Evan said you were hungry.”

I unwrapped it and discovered in was a salt bagel, my favorite kind. It felt a little warm. I took a huge bite. It was chewy and delicious.

“Thank you,” I said.

“I have water, too.” She handed me a metal water bottle.

“Are you always this prepared?” I joked. “What else do you have in that magical pack?”

“You never know what you’ll need.” Her mouth curved up briefly before she frowned. She moved from sitting to crouching in front of me, placing her hand on my knee and searching my eyes. “How are you?”

“Better now,” I said after I swallowed a bite.

“Well enough to go back out there?”

I grimaced. “I’d rather not.”

She patted my knee. “I don’t blame you. I’ve never understood human customs surrounding death. Placing the body out to be viewed. Burying the remains in the ground.” She shuddered.

“What do Selkies do?” I asked with curiosity.

“We send the body out to the sea, of course,” Ula said. She recited, “From whence we are born, we return.”

I wondered if that was their mantra or something. “Isn’t that like a funeral?”

“It is not an event,” she explained. “We do not wait for a time that is convenient for the survivors; we do not invite others. Whoever is there performs the blessing, and the sea takes the body away. It’s much simpler.”

I thought of the lines of people waiting to offer their condolences and the ceremony to follow, orchestrated by a minister who didn’t even know my mom. “Sounds nice,” I said.

Ula nodded and smiled. “You’ll like being a Selkie, Meara. I promise.”

“I’m not sure…” I looked down the hall, hoping that Evan would come back. I didn’t want to talk about this at my mom’s funeral.

“But of course, today is not the day to discuss this,” she said. She stood, brushed off her pants, and offered me her hand. I took it and stood. “I’ll stay by you for the service, if you like.”

I squeezed her hand. “Thank you.”

We walked back into the parlor. The pallbearers stood in the front of the room with the caretaker. They were preparing to close the casket. I’d been gone long enough that the ceremony was about to begin. Evan stood with his family, but when he saw me, he came over and took my other hand.

“Feeling better?” he asked. He kissed my cheek. “At least you have a little color now.”

“Where’s my dad?” I scanned the room, but didn’t see him.

Evan gestured to the door. “He stepped out.”

“Is he coming back?” I asked. Now that I understood Selkie custom, I realized how much harder this day was for him.

“I think so,” Evan said. “He didn’t say.”

“How much time until the service?” I asked.

Evan looked at his phone. “About five minutes. Are you going to look for him?” I nodded. “Do you want me to come?”

I gave them both an apologetic smile. “I’d rather go alone.”

“Hurry back,” Ula said.

I found my dad around the corner, sitting in his car. His head was in his hands. He was so still that I wondered if he was asleep. I opened the passenger door and slipped in.

“Dad?” I touched his arm. “Are you coming in for the service?”

He rubbed his face before looking at me. His eyes were bloodshot. I could tell he’d been crying. He cleared his throat before he gruffly said, “I don’t think so.”

“I understand,” I said. “Ula told me your customs.”

When he gave me a sharp look, my face grew hot. I probably shouldn’t have said that. I may have just gotten her in trouble.

“What customs?” he asked.

“Regarding death,” I said. “Sending the body to sea.”

He nodded curtly before he reached inside of his suit coat and pulled out a sealed envelope. “Your mother asked me to give this to you once the funeral was over. I imagine this is as good a time as any.”

“Thanks.” I took the envelope, tucking it into my purse so I could read it later in private.

“I’m going away for the night.” He frowned at the sky. It was quickly changing from gray to black. “I don’t trust myself right now.”

Was he creating this storm? What was he going to do? “Are you going to Change?”

He looked at me a moment before answering. “Yes, but I will be back. Will you be okay for a night?”

“I’m not a child,” I said, and then softer. “I’ll be fine, Dad.” I pointed at the blackening sky. “Are you doing this?”

He looked a bit sheepish. “I imagine so. I’m struggling for control. Spending time as my true self will help.”

As he turned to leave the car, I felt the strangest impulse not to let him go. “Dad?”

“Yes?” He turned back, his eyes filled with pain.

I threw my arms around him. “I love you.” It was the first time I said it, and I realized I meant it. Somehow, in the past few months, he became my father.

He hugged me tight, resting his cheek against my hair. When he pulled back, his eyes were full of tears. “Thank you, Meara. I love you, too.”

I watched him walk away, and then hurried back inside. I was probably late for the service, but I didn’t care. Mom was already gone, now my dad was too, if just for the evening. For the first time, I wished I could have gone with him.

I
managed to survive both the service and the short prayer at Mom’s gravesite. I swayed a bit on my feet, feeling so tired. Most of the mourners had already left the graveyard. Evan went over to speak to his family and my grandparents. I stood next to Ula, who rubbed my back.

“Give me your bracelet,” she whispered.

“Why?” I asked. I knew it protected me, and I was reluctant to take it off, although the only Selkie I saw here was her.

“Trust me, Meara.” Her green eyes were solemn. I took it off and gave it to her. She closed her eyes and murmured. I couldn’t catch the words, but it was lyrical like a song or poem. She handed it back. “Put it on.”

When I reclasped the bracelet, I felt a surge of energy. It was like waking from a power nap without the bed head. “What did you do?” I asked.

She shrugged. “Shared a bit of my energy with you.” When I stared at her in awe, she laughed and hugged me. “You looked like you needed it.”

“I feel wonderful,” I admitted.

“Good.” Her eyes sparkled.

“Are you going to find my dad?” I asked.

She looked off in the distance. We couldn’t see the ocean from where we stood, but we could hear it, smell it, and taste it. My heart raced with longing. She turned back to me suddenly.

“You feel it, don’t you?” she asked. “The pull.”

“Yes.”

“I don’t want to leave you alone…” She looked off again as her words faded.

“You won’t be,” I said. “I have my grandparents and Evan.” I touched her shoulder, and she turned back to me. “Go to him, Ula. He needs you. I don’t want him to be alone.”

She kissed my cheek. “I’ll see you again soon.” She started to leave, but turned back one last time. “You make him proud, you know.”

“Everyone’s leaving for the Inn,” Evan said as he returned to my side. He watched Ula walk away. “Where’s she going?”

“To be with my dad.”

“As in…?” His eyebrow rose in question. I knew he was wondering if they were going to Change. When I nodded, he didn’t say anything else.

“What do you want to do now?” he asked. “Do you want to meet up with everyone at the Inn?” Evan’s parents were hosting a luncheon.

“Can we go back to my place?” I asked. My voice was barely a whisper. I did not want to see another sympathetic face. “I…I just want to be alone…with you.”

“Sure,” he said. “Whatever you want.”

We walked silently to his car. He started it and put the radio on low. I stared out the window, grateful that he understood I wasn’t up for talking. I watched everything and nothing pass us by as he drove. The sky wasn’t clearing, but it hadn’t broke. The threat of rain hung in the air. Where would my dad and Ula go? What would they do? My thoughts slowed. The warm air from the heater sapped my energy, and my eyes grew heavy.

I woke to Evan touching my knee. “We’re back.”

I yawned and stretched. “Sorry I’m not much company.”

“Don’t apologize,” he said.

We got out of the car, and I let us into the house. I headed straight to my room, kicked off my heels, and pulled the pins out of my hair. I was numb, but at least here, when it was just Evan, I could breathe. He followed me back and sat on my bed, watching me but not saying anything. I sat down in his lap and wound my arms around his neck. At first, I just rested my head on his shoulder, grateful for his strength and support. After a while, I lifted my head and kissed him, lightly, but with growing need. I lifted one trembling hand and started to unbutton his shirt. He covered my hand with his and held it.

“Meara, I don’t think this is a good idea.”

I stood up and began to pace, my fragile nerves already stretched too far, frayed. I felt the sting of his rejection. “Why not?”

“You’re not yourself for starters. For Christ’s sake, you almost passed out a few hours ago. And, we’re not prepared, well, I’m not prepared with, you know…” He trailed off.

“You don’t have to worry about that,” I said. “My mom took me to the clinic a few months ago and got me the pill.”

He looked up at me, surprised. “She what?”

“She knew we were serious. I told her we hadn’t done anything, but she convinced me, ‘just in case’.”

Evan studied me with a slight crease between his eyes. Was he weighing my mood and wondering how much I would regret after? I wished he wouldn’t. I was sure of myself, sure of us. In this, I was absolutely certain. We had waited long enough. I needed sensation to fill the emptiness in my heart. I closed my eyes. I knew I would be begging, but I didn’t care. I was desperate to feel again, to be human and alive.

“Please, Evan? I can’t handle the numbness any longer.”

With my eyes closed, I leaned against the wall and let my head fall back. I waited, silent. Eventually I sensed, rather than heard, him move toward me. He stopped in front of me. He radiated warmth, and my fingers itched to touch him. I willed myself to stand still. The move was his. He bent his head and kissed one of my closed eyes, and then the other, trailing his fingers over my tear-dampened cheeks.

“Okay.” His voice was soft and firm. “Okay, Meara. If this is what you want.”

I opened my eyes to ask, “Don’t you?”

He laughed and pulled me into his arms. “More than you know, but I was respecting your decision to wait.” He moved back slightly and looked in my eyes. “I’m not convinced that this is the best timing.”

“I don’t want to wait anymore,” I whispered as I held his gaze. His eyes were dark with emotions that I couldn’t place, as deep and fathomless as the sea. “I’m not going to regret this.”

He stared at me. I must have looked convincing, because he sighed once before he leaned down and kissed me.

The desire and need I so carefully locked away broke free and overwhelmed me. I tangled my fingers in his hair, crushed his lips to mine, and pressed my body against his. My sudden, bold moves made him shudder in response.

I stopped thinking. I stopped hurting. I could only feel. Evan consumed my senses, and I couldn’t get enough of his lips, the feel of his skin, the urgent, yet gentle way his hands caressed my body. He stepped back toward the bed and fell with me in his arms. I lost track of everything that wasn’t him.

***

Rain pelted the windows. Glad to be inside, we sat at the kitchen table eating leftover pizza. I felt a slight twinge of guilt that I hadn’t gone to the luncheon. I hoped my grandparents weren’t mad. That they would understand why I couldn’t possibly face everyone after the funeral and try to smile. It would have been torture.

I wore a t-shirt and yoga pants. Evan put his dress pants and shirt back on. I offered him one of my dad’s t-shirts, but he refused. He looked unbelievably sexy sitting there with his sleeves rolled up and his hair slightly rumpled. His bare feet were propped on the chair next to me. My heart skipped. I loved him so much. I couldn’t believe I ever doubted it.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked me, a small smile playing on his lips.

I felt my face grow warm. “You.”

“Good thoughts, I hope?” he teased. He twirled a strand of my hair on his finger and leaned in to kiss my nose. My eyes welled, and he noticed as he sat back.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. “Are you regretting it?”

I shook my head, unable to speak. How could I have tears left to cry? I grabbed a napkin and dried my eyes before I gave him weak smile. “I love you.”

He pulled me into his arms, resting his chin on my head. I listened to his heartbeat and smelled the spicy scent that was him. “I love you, too.”

We sat in silence for a while. Eventually, Evan stood and threw out our plates and empty soda cans. When he was done, he pulled me up and into his arms again. “It’ll work out, Meara.”

“I know,” I whispered. “I just wish it didn’t hurt so bad.”

The phone rang, and Evan looked at me. “Do you want me to answer?”

“No, I will.” I grabbed the phone off the counter. “Hello?”

“Meara! Thank goodness.” Grandma sounded upset. I mentally slapped myself for not calling her. “We got worried when you didn’t come to the Inn.”

“Sorry, Grandma.” Guilt tore through me, and my full stomach protested. “I should have called you.”

“Where’s your father?” she asked.

“He has a migraine. He’s sleeping,” I lied. I didn’t want her to worry or, worse, drive here. I assured her that I was okay, and that Evan and I just ate dinner. She seemed relieved and assured me that she wasn’t angry. She promised to let Lydia know that Evan was okay, too.

After the call, Evan and I moved to the living room. We sat on the couch and watched TV. I didn’t care what was on. It was comforting to rest my head on Evan’s chest and listen to his heart. It grew dark, and the storm ceased.

“You better get going,” I said. “It’s getting late.”

“I don’t want to leave you alone tonight,” he said.

“You want to stay?” I lifted my head and looked at him.

He leaned forward and kissed me. “Always.”

I gave Evan a pair of my dad’s sweatpants and a t-shirt. While he changed, I brushed my teeth and washed my face. He was already in bed when I returned, so I crawled in next to him.

“Goodnight,” I whispered.

He leaned forward and kissed me lightly. “Goodnight, Meara.”

I rolled over onto my side with my back to him. It was the only position I could fall asleep in. He pulled me back against him chest. His warmth penetrated my body and relaxed me. My eyes grew heavy and soon closed.

I woke several hours later. The house was dark. Evan’s hand rested on my stomach, and his breathing was deep and rhythmic. He was sound asleep.

I thought about the letter my dad gave me from my mom. Untucking myself from Evan’s arm, I slipped out of bed. I went to the bathroom and splashed water on my face, before padding down the hall to the front entranceway where my purse hung to get the letter.

I shivered at the slight chill in the air. Wrapping the throw from the back of the sofa around me, I turned on the end table lamp. Snuggling into the corner of the couch, I opened the letter and began to read.

Dearest Meara,

As you are reading this letter, I can safely assume that I’m no longer with you. Please know that I held on as long as I could but I am, after all, only human.

You know how very proud I am of you, but I wanted to tell you one more time so that you would never forget. You have become the young woman that I always hoped you would be. You are smart, loving, and kind. I am so proud to call you my daughter.

I have talked extensively with your father. He gave you this letter, and I know he has told you that he wants to take you with him to meet the rest of your Selkie family. I think you should go.

I know, I know, it’s convenient for me to say this now that I am gone, and I’d like to think that if this hadn’t happened, if I was healthy and still with you, I would eventually have said the same thing. I guess we’ll never know if that’s true or not.

It’s obvious how much you love Evan, and he loves you. I know that makes your decision harder. As your mother, I’ll advise you that true love waits. As a woman who has loved, lost, and loved again, I tell you to follow your heart. Only you know if your relationship can survive this.

You are half-Selkie. It’s a side of yourself that you’ve never known. I don’t want you to live your life afraid of what might or might not have been. Learn your lesson from me. I am not proud of keeping you from your father, nor proud of the fact that I was too weak to bear losing you. In the end, fear cost me much. I now realize my mistake. In denying David you, I also denied myself.

Know that, whatever your decision, you have my support and blessing.

With all my love,

Mom

Tears blurred my vision, running down my cheeks in fine little rivers to splash on the paper. I hastily wiped my eyes and placed the letter on the table to dry. I wasn’t about to ruin the last thing that my mother ever gave to me.