Never Forever (16 page)

As I raise my eyes to heaven I notice the intricate carvings and design on the ceiling. Ancient beams lay crisscross above me. The secrets that they hold within them over the past hundreds of years, is innumerable. I share their quiet eavesdropping right now as I blend into the woodwork. Suddenly a soft feminine voice breaks the silence, “Callum, you know that I loved your father.”

A loud sigh vibrates out of the room, “Yes.” His voice sounds strained, as if the weight he has been carrying is finally taking a toll.

“He was so striking. Every time he looked at me my heart would skip a beat. You are correct in your assumptions, you look just like him. And there are times when it hurts to look at you.” There is a long pause, causing fear to consume me. Holding my breath, trying not to make a sound, I continue intently listening. I am grateful when the silence breaks, “My parents fought our engagement because his family’s income did not match mine, though his ancestral line far surpassed my history. After heavy persuasion we were allowed to marry, to the shock and horror of the social aristocracy. When he died and I was left a single mother, my parents arranged a more suitable union.”

“What, you didn’t choose Sam?” Callum’s voice was thick with shock.

“No, but I choose him now. He has been a good husband, provider, and father. His social status matched my parent’s, he also loved me from the moment he saw me. He also loved you as his own. We thought it was best to have your name match ours,” though her voice remained flat, as if she were relaying her grocery list, there was a slight trembling of hidden emotion within her words.

“Why didn’t you tell me the truth? I had a right to know and a choice in my surname,” his voice was thick and firm as he rolled out his questions.

“No, you didn’t. Those were my choices, which affected you for the better. I share these things with you only to show you that our choices affect our family’s respect and class. This girl, Breanna, could destroy all of that.”

Instantly my ears perk up with the sudden mention of my name. I know that I come from a very different world, but to state that I could possibly destroy an entire family’s reputation is a concept that is foreign to me. If the price of wealth and prestige is your happiness, I don’t want it.

“No, she wouldn’t. I love her. You missed out on an opportunity of love in your life because of your obligations, like Harry. I am not about to.”

“Harry? You mean my childhood friend?” Her voice perked up in pure amusement.

“I know he was more than a friend, but you turned away from that. I saw the way you would look at him when we were younger,” he almost seems to plead with her to recall all that she has lost over stupid obligations.

“Callum, that was just a childish crush, it wasn’t real. I never wanted the life he was capable of giving me. If that is what you have with Breanna, then by all means, get it out of your system. Use her up and then move on.”

Her cold reference to me swirls within my gut as I listen to her sickening advice for Callum to just use me up then throw me away like rubbish. Gripping my hands tightly together I fight back the urge to run in there, giving them both a piece of my mind. The only thing stopping me is that I need to hear what Callum’s response is.

“This is not a childish crush. If anything I wish she would use me up, and never move on. Breanna and Noah are important to me. I only agreed to the engagement because I thought that Breanna could never be mine – but I was wrong.” His warm, buttery voice flows through me, washing away my anger.

“Is that child yours?” she snaps out.

Silence pours out of the room, dragging with it anger and trepidation. A firm, yet dejected response follows, “No. His father is a much better man than I can ever be.”

“Then let her go. From what I understand she is a poor American, most likely using you for your wealth and prestige, wanting the fairytale story. Emily is the better fit. Besides, you are already engaged to her. Her father and Sam are best mates. It was humiliating when they called us stating the betrayal you were putting their daughter through. You made a promise to her...”

“…only because you forced it on me!”

“It doesn’t matter why. To break that promise will destroy this family’s reputation.”

My heart breaks as I suddenly realize the reality of what needs to happen. Quietly I leave my hiding place, heading back to my room, dragging my dreams behind me. The world has trampled on me my whole life. I was born into this world by a mother who cared more about her alcohol than me, and a father who was just a one night stand for her. I then marry my friend and lover only to have him ripped from me. Thus leaving me with a constant reminder, every time I look at Noah, of what I lost. The final nail this cruel world has hammered into my coffin is allowing me to love someone I can never have.

The reverberating pain pushes down on me, making it difficult to walk. Dropping down in front of the door to my room I expel all of my pain. My tears stream down my face, soaking my knees as I sit with my arms tightly wrapped around my bent legs. Even if Callum hadn’t proposed to Emily, we still wouldn’t be able to be together, we are from two different places. I was damned from the very beginning to live a hellish life. No matter where I run I cannot escape the world I was born into. Though I want no part of it, it still haunts me wherever I go. Who am I kidding? I am trailer trash trying to pass off as something of worth. No matter where I am placed, in an apartment or a palace, one thing stays the same, I am garbage, and now I have just been taken out.

Staring at the intricate door in front of me, I utter softly to myself, “Andrew, you may have thought that I was worth more than what life has given me, but you were wrong. I can’t do this any longer.” Standing up I grip tightly onto the doorknob, completely aware of what I have to do.

Let Him Go

Olivia’s eyes fill with tears as she looks at me in disbelief. Externally I maintain a hard, distant shell, while internally I am falling apart. I didn’t realize how hard this was going to be on her. For me though, I knew it was going to be more difficult than distancing myself from my mother. Olivia has been my only friend here. It is killing me to watch her so upset. I am used to seeing her so full of life, it is as if I have killed that part of her.

“Breanna, I don’t understand, did I do something wrong?” Her eyes are blazing red while her tears freely flow.

Pushing down my natural instinct to comfort her and tell her I was just kidding, I clinch my jaw tightly, uttering, “You didn’t do anything wrong. I just can’t be your friend anymore. I have been fooling myself. I am not ready for a friend or…” I swallow hard trying to spit the rest out. “…anything else right now.” Trying to muster up my strength I add, “I was just using you because I didn’t know anyone here.”

Her eyes narrow as she glares deep into mine, “I don’t know why you are bloody doing this, but if this is what you want then fine, I will no longer talk to you.” She storms past me, heading towards the door to exit my room. Suddenly she turns around, eyes blazing with emotion. “I am not so easily dismissed. Trust me, I will find out the truth.” She slams the door behind her, taking my heart and soul with her.

Instantly I throw myself onto the bed, screaming forcefully into my pillow. Olivia was the closest thing to a sister and I just broke her heart. The only way I can successfully separate myself from Callum is to distance myself from them both. If I were to remain friends with Olivia, she would be constantly giving me unwarranted hope for Callum until the day of his marriage. I also can’t be around Callum or anything that reminds me of him. The pain would be too unbearable. I can’t allow my presence to ruin their family or their reputation. Having a family that loves you is worth my sacrifice. I know what it is like to not have a family. I could never live with myself if I was the reason behind their destruction. Though I don’t agree with their rigid obligations, it is their prison to bear, like loneliness is mine.

The immense pain within my chest cripples me as I expel my sadness, soaking my pillow with my tears. A thundering knock at my door interrupts my emotional breakdown. Gathering myself together, I hastily wipe away my tears. Rushing to the door I internally prepare myself for another confrontation with Olivia. I exhale a heavy sigh, opening the door, “Olivia…”

Surprise rolls over me as I notice Callum looking at me with emotional eyes, “I don’t think Olivia will be knocking on your door any time soon. You have crushed her.” Though he is trying to put on a strong act, his face is worn from the night’s events. Everything that has transpired tonight has been a rollercoaster effect on both of our hearts. I have felt the emotional high from Callum’s declaration of love to the severe low of deceit, heartbreak, and shattered dreams. As Callum stands before me, my heart jumps back onto the rollercoaster ride once more. Not wanting him to see through my façade, I gaze down at the floor, trying to avoid eye contact.

Placing his hand firmly against my partially open door, he asks, “May I please come in? We need to talk.”

Positioning myself between the door jamb and the door, I hold securely onto the door, blocking him from entering. “I don’t think it is a good idea. It is late. Noah is asleep and I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea.”

His voice and posture stiffen up, “Bloody hell, let them get the wrong idea, we need to talk.”

Still gazing down at the floor I hold fast to my position, “No. I think you need to leave.”

“Damn it Breanna, look at me…Please,” his voice is thick with emotion, like syrup on a cold day.

Pushing down my pain I quickly look up at his face. His gaze locks onto mine, revealing his pleading pain. My soul breaks apart as I witness his broken hearted expression. Dark circles have formed around his eyes from stress and exhaustion, while the deep furrow between his eyes deepens as he peers devastatingly into mine. Fighting back my tears I turn my heart off as I utter flatly, trying to hide my trembling body, “Callum, I am done. Noah and I are leaving first thing in the morning. Please don’t talk to me again.” With every word I utter it rips a piece of me out with it.

Slowly I push the door closed between us, leaving him standing out in the hallway, alone. Walking into the center of my room I expel the pain I have had to push down. A heavy weight of regret rolls up my spine, crawling over my shoulders and pouring down my body. Uncontrolled tears rush down my face as I begin sobbing uncontrollably. A thick air within the room envelops me, making it hard to breath. I teeter on the edge of hyperventilating and passing out. Everything around me spins out of control, when suddenly there is a loud slam behind me. Fearfully I spin around, noticing Callum standing next to the pushed open door. His eyes blaze with desire as he growls, “You are not leaving. I won’t let you. You may have dismissed Olivia, but I will not walk away that easy.”

His highly erotic eyes rip through me, causing my heart to pound against my chest. He rushes towards me, wrapping his arms around my waist, lifting me up off of my feet. Holding me tightly within his arms he presses his lips firmly against mine. Our tears unite in sorrow as they mix delicately within our kiss. Heat pulsates through us as he takes his aggression out on me. Gripping my hair firmly within his hands he holds me against him. The salty taste of his tears mingles inside of my mouth as his tongue stimulates the cocktail. Wrapping his arm beneath my butt he holds tightly onto me as he eagerly walks us over to the bed.

“Breanna, I love you, please love me too,” his voice is rough, with a pleading need. I know he is trying to rebel against his parents, showing them that this is what he wants, but I now know he can’t have me.

A heavy weight pushes down on my chest. Though this is what I want with all my heart, I can’t. Pressing my hands securely against his chest, I push him away from me. His eyes are red from his tears and emotional need. His face shows the heavy burden of what he wants and what is inescapable. I grasp at every ounce of strength within me, forcing myself to complete the horrible task I know I have to do.

“I did, but Callum, I don’t want this. I don’t love you anymore,” his face drops as if I have just stabbed his heart. If his heart isn’t breaking I know that mine is. Though my lies are tearing me apart, I know that I have to do this. I have to let him go.

He buries his head into the hollow spot between my neck and shoulder. Gripping me tightly against him he pleads, “Please don’t do this. You are killing me.” He swallows firmly, pushing down a large knot in his throat, “You still love me. I felt it. You can’t turn off love that quick. You are just mad. I know I should have told you about Emily, I honestly tried, but Olivia interrupted us and then…well, I forgot about it.”

Disbelief surges within me, giving me the fuel I need to continue letting him go. Pushing myself free from his grasp, I slide down out of his arms, “You didn’t try that hard! Besides, how can you forget something like that? I am not an idiot. You purposefully kept it from me, lying to me. Telling me that you love me, knowing the whole time you are engaged to Emily. You made me feel cheap,” acidic anger pours through every word.

Grabbing hold of my anger I use it for my benefit, allowing the rage to consume me, invading the passion that was encompassing me. Peering into his eyes with daggers, I search for some kind of answer. Though in my core I know what the real answer is, I am trash. I don’t contain the same bloodline or fortune, making our relationship a shameful one.

Feeling the heat of my anger, he instinctively backs up as he utters in defense, “Breanna, I was finished with you and all the bloody unanswered questions. I thought that you and Noah’s father were still together. You led me to believe it too!” Looking deep into my eyes he adds, “I thought I was done until you showed up here. When I saw you and Noah my hope was rekindled and all I wanted was you.”

He remains immobile as he gazes at me with a pleading understanding. I stand here soaking in every ounce of anger and disappointment flowing within the room. My heart pounds vehemently against my chest. I stare at his face, wishing he would just be honest with me. He has no idea that I heard him and his mother talking about me tonight and how his father and mother disapprove of our relationship. Yet he stands here in front of me, lying right to my face, trying to tell me he only proposed to Emily because he thought I was still with Noah’s father. The sooner he is honest with me, the sooner we will be able to move on.

Standing resolute in my position I question, “So you are telling me that as soon as you thought Noah’s father was still in the picture, you rushed off and proposed to Emily. Isn’t that awfully fast?”

“Well yes, but…”

“But what? Why did you really run off and propose to her?” I snapped. The acid within my tone of voice burns my tongue as I spew out my request.

“What do you bloody want from me?” his voice is thick with anger as his hand aggressively glides through his hair, gripping onto a chunk of hair on the back of his head. He begins nervously pacing back and forth, wearing a path in the floor.

“I want the truth,” though my voice is firm, there is a pleading tone to it.

“I don’t understand you. This is a bunch of rubbish. I have already told you the bloody truth.” His pacing increases in speed as he forcefully pulls at his hair. Frustration engulfs him while he seems to be losing an internal battle.

Firing one more bullet in his already riddled body, hoping this will break him, causing him to utter the statement he is refusing to say, “No, you haven’t. You have not told me why you proposed to Emily so hastily. Why Callum? Just tell me why!”

He spins around and looks me deep in my eyes, “What do you want? Do you want me to tell you how you are just poor American rubbish in my parents’ eyes? While Emily was not only born with a silver spoon in her mouth, but her father is one of my father’s best mates. Is that what you want to hear?” His eyes blaze with irritation.

Though I already knew the truth, hearing him finally say it feels like a nail gun firing at my heart. The pain of his words instantly brings my reality to life. I have been living a lie this whole time. I knew it the moment Olivia pulled up to their mansion. I was just kidding myself if I thought for one minute his family would just embrace me with open arms. The vision of my world flashes in front of me with vivid color. The silver spoon of prestige, wealth, and opportunity was not given to me. Mine was a plastic spoon of alcoholism, homelessness and pain, a disposable and useless upbringing.

Instantly his eyes fill with regret as he looks into my hurt eyes. Rushing over to me he attempts grabbing my hand, “Breanna, please forgive me for my cold and callous statement.”

Instinctively I try to pull my hand away from his. Looking down at my hands I see the worn down un-manicured nails, crying out in simplicity. The hand that belongs in his is not mine. His requires one of feminine grace and polished perfection. Looking up into his eyes I state flatly, “No matter how you say it the words are true, I am not meant for this world.”

Reacting to me trying to pull away, he tenderly releases my hand, “You are meant for me. Breanna, I don’t care if you came from a hole in the ground or a castle in the sky, if you are American or English, I need you.”

“Stop kidding yourself. A river can never flow upstream, I am meant to stay down here in the lowly valley. And no matter how much you want this to work, it won’t. Deep down, you have always known it or else you wouldn’t
have
proposed to Emily.”

“You don’t understand the pressure my parents are putting on me. You speak as if yours is the only tragic and tough life. Do you have any understanding for my life and what I am going through?” His voice is stiff, clicking out each word in a precise manner. His slight accent intensifies with every word he utters. His posture is now erect, taking on a more prestigious appearance.

My voice softens slightly, trying to tame the situation, “Yes, I do. That is why it is best if I leave,” I state plainly, trying to bring some reason to his irrational thinking.

A heavy weighted silence presses around us, making the air feel thick. We stand here in silence for what feels like hours as the world around us spins with clarity. Callum’s eyes reveal a shattering pain tearing through his face. Grasping at anything, he suggests, “I was a fool to ask Emily to marry me and I will be a fool to let you go now.”