Never Ending (8 page)

Chapter
13

          “
D
anny?” My pain was his pain. My agony was his
agony. I could feel his sorrow shake through him; his whole body was shaking,
racking with sobs. “Danny – please, listen to me...” I had never seen him like
this before. This wasn't a man, the beautiful, confident, swaggeringly sexy man
I'd fell in love with. This was the boy who sat alone in his dormitory at
boarding school, cradling his father's tabloid photographs to his chest. This
was the boy who missed his father – who had been missing him for twenty-one
years – who had at last spoken out about the emotional abuse he had suffered at
the hands of the one who was supposed to love him...only to find that the man
lay in a coma, near death.

          “I shouldn't have
said those things to you,” Danny was still shaking. “I shouldn't...I
shouldn't...”

          “It's not your
fault,” I whispered, brushing the sweat away from Danny's forehead. I wanted so
badly to comfort him, to make everything better. But I knew I could not. I
would have done anything I could for him, given him anything, changed
everything. But not this. Not this. These were demons that he would have to
face alone.

          “Danny, let me
help you,” I whispered. “Tell me what you need. Is there someone you need me to
call?”

          “No...” He whispered.
“I'm the only son. The only heir. My...responsibility...”

          My father and
mother had by now come over to see what was wrong.

          “Poor child...”
My mother swept past both me and my father and took Danny into her arms,
holding him to her as if he were her own child. “Poor boy...” She gave my
father a significant look. “Neve – is there anything we can do?”

          I shook my head.

          “Do you need to
fly home, is that it?” My mother's voice was calm and soothing. “We can get you
a ticket back to England. We'll call our travel agents. Or...two tickets?”

         
Back to
England?
No – no, I couldn't think about that right now. I could only think
about the moment, this moment in which it seemed that everything was falling
apart.

          My mother kept on
whispering words of comfort to Danny, words into his ear that she thought might
be soothing. But I knew better. As far as my mother knew, Danny was freaking
out about his father – a father that he loved, for – after all – how could she
even conceive of a boy who didn't love his father absolutely? But his anger,
his guilt, his shame, all melded in together with his fear of losing his father
– these were secrets that Danny and I shared alone.

          I could never
truly understand his pain. And I could never cure it.

          “Neve...” Danny
was gasping for breath. “Neve, please, let's get out of here...”

          He caught my eye
– and the intensity of his gaze was enough to convince me. I took his hand,
ignoring Kyle's look of shocked hurt – and the two of us left the backstage
area together in silence, rushing faster and faster to get out of the venue.
Right now we had to be alone, just the two of us, to share in this grief. Right
now we needed to be as far away from the rest of the world as we could manage.

          We drove back to
the cottage in silence. I could see Danny's face in the rearview mirror – he
was trying not to cry. But he was calmer, now – no longer sobbing, but rather
resolute, firm in his need to make it back home before he allowed himself to
succumb once more to the pain flooding through him.

          At last we made
it inside. We looked at each other, tear-streaked face to tear-streaked face,
gazing into one another's eye.

          “Ah, Neve...” His
voice was hollow, now. It felt like it was coming from a million miles away.
“Nobody said our life together would ever be smooth...” His irony was bitter,
self-mocking, full of cruelty. “Are you done with me, yet?”

          “Done with you?”
I was flabbergasted. “How could I be done with you? I'm here for you, Danny –
of course I am. Always.”

          “I don't deserve
your love,” he cried. “I don't deserve your trust.”

          “How can you say
that?”

          “Everyone I ever
get close to gets hurt. I lose everyone I love.”

          “You don't!”

          “That heart
attack? That was stress, Neve, I know it! Because of the stress I've put him
under. Because I've been such a disappointment to him.”

          “That can't be
true.”

          He almost sounded
angry, now. “Isn't it, Neve? Isn't it true? You think you know, but you don't.
You don't know how I've failed him. You don't know how I've failed...”

          I took him into
my arm and kissed him – decisively, not letting him move away. “I'm proud of
you, Danny. We all are. And you haven't failed him. If he thinks that, it's his
issue, not yours.”

          “I've killed
him,” Danny said, his voice shaking.

          “He might be
fine...” I tried to encourage him. “The doctors don't know for sure yet...”

          “You shouldn't
love me, Neve,” Danny's voice deepened into a growl. “Nobody should love me.
You'll see....”

          He kissed me so
violently that I yelped in pain. He was rough with me – almost brutal – as if
making love to me would somehow make him forget his fear, would somehow blot
out the agony spreading through his heart. We made love in silence – quickly,
roughly, more furiously than I was used to. I was darkness and he was darkness,
and together our darkness consumed us. I could hardly think about pleasure –
mine or his. I could only think how much I wanted to forget, how much I wanted
us both to forget, how much I hoped that this action would bring him, bring us,
the relief we both sought.

          I was numb; my
mind was blank; when at last Danny brought us both to orgasm, it seemed less a
climax that a relief, a moment when I didn't have to worry, didn't have to
think.

          When it was over,
I pulled the sheets over my body and turned to face Danny. He was weeping, his tears
seeping into the pillow.

          “I'll come to
England with you,” I said. “I'll follow you.”

          “You can't,” he
said. “The band.”

          “We can't have a
band without you.”

          “Jim sings,” said
Danny. “He's got a good voice. He can do the male vocals temporarily, until I'm
back. And we can focus on songs with your voice only.”

          “But I need to be
with you!”   

          “No!” I was
surprised by the violence of his reaction. “No...” he was softer with me now.
“Neve...this is something I need to face alone.” He cupped my face in his
hands. “And I'd never forgive myself if I was the reason that the Never Knights
finally folded. With all the drama that's been happening lately, everyone needs
you here, taking care of them, taking care of all of us. You are the heart of
the Never Knights and you know it.

          “We all are the
heart of the Never Knights.”

          “Not like you,
Neve,” Danny whispered. “This is your baby. Always has been. Always will be.
You belong here, with the band. And I belong in England...”

          “Forever?” I
hardly dared to whisper it.

          “Not forever,”
Danny said. “Just for a few days. Just so that I can be at his side...when the
end comes.” He swallows. “Take care of arrangements. Say goodbye. And then I'll
be back, Neve. If you still want me.”

          “Why wouldn't I
still want you?”

          “I'm a poison to
everyone around me...” Danny sighed.

          “I won't let you
think like that!”

          “Would that you
could stop me!” he cried. “I love you, Neve. I have always loved you. I want to
be with you. When I am with you, I can fool myself into thinking I'm worth
loving...”

          “I love you,” I
said. “You're more than worth loving.”

          “I'm not worthy
of you.”

          “I wish you'd
stop talking like that, Danny,” I said. “You know how it worries me.”

          He took me in his
arms, kissing me passionately. “I know,” he said. “I'm sorry. I don't mean to
be so self-pitying. It's just...this has really...this...isn't easy for me,
Neve.”

          “I know,” I
murmured into his forehead. “I know.”

          But did I know –
really? Could I ever really understand the depths of Danny Blue? Every time I
thought I had a handle on him, on us, he showed me something deeper, another
side of himself, another layer I did not know existed.

          “If I could,”
Danny said. “I'd spend the rest of my life in this cottage with you, making
love to you every morning and evening.”

          “You
can
.”

          “I want to be
worthy of you, Neve. And I'll do whatever it takes to get there. But right now,
I need to fly to London – as soon as possible. I need to go straight to LAX and
get on the first plane out of there. Can you hold down the fort for me, my
darling?”

          “Of course I can.
But...” I let myself waver.

          “But what,
darling?”

          “You'll call me,
right?”

          “Every day. Every
morning and evening. Every hour of every day – if I could.”

          “And you'll let
me know...what's happening?”

          “I'll let you know,”
Danny promised. “It...” he gulped. “It won't be long. Whatever happens. Either
he'll be out of the danger zone, or...”

          “Or...”

          But neither of us
wanted to say it.

          “Goodbye, my
love.” He kissed me one last time, fully and deeply. Then he dressed and went
to the door.

          “Promise you'll
wait for me,” he said.

          “I promise,” I
whispered.

          And with that, he
went.

          And with that, I
finally let myself burst into tears.

Chapter
14

         
T
he first day without Danny Blue was the
hardest. I felt empty – utterly devoid of strength. I lay in bed until noon,
imagining him, imagining where he was at that particular moment, at that
particular time, trying to picture him. I saw him in my mind's eye, sitting on
the plane, choking back tears, trying to forget his pain. I saw him getting off
the plane at Heathrow, getting into a car, driving to his father's side. I
ached to be there with him. How I wanted to be there to comfort him, to keep
him safe! I was his girlfriend, I thought; it was my job to take away all his
pain, all his worries, to make everything better for him. But this was
something I could not fix, could not change. This was a struggle I did not know
how to help him bear.

          Every time I
thought I'd gotten through to Danny Blue, I found another layer of complications.
His family life, his suffering, the problems of his childhood, the tragedies of
his adolescence, was more than I knew how to handle. And now here he was,
facing the possible death of his father, facing the worst thing that could
happen to him, and I didn't know how to help him through it. I bit my lip,
angry at myself, pulling the covers over my head.

         
He's lived so
much...you'll never understand.
I remembered what Danny said about Roni,
how – despite everything, he felt sorry for her, because she'd had to put up
with his father. Did he still feel that way now? Would she, too, be there at
the hospital, at his father's side? Would he feel sorry for her, then?

          I tried not to
think about it.
Come on, Neve,
I told myself.
We have work to do.
Jim
would have to temporarily take over some of Danny's singing duties; I would
have to do twice as many solo songs. The romantic duets would have to be put on
hold for now – Jim and I couldn't convincingly sing them to one another, given
the age difference. So we'd have to work on other kinds of music. Songs about
partying all night long. Songs about late nights with friends. Songs about our
love of songs. High-octane, adrenaline-pumping music that made the crowds go
wild. But I could hardly feel the energy when I performed. Inside, my heart was
singing sad, slow ballads.

          For the first
time, I felt like I was faking it. I was trying to sing about music, about joy,
about guitars and rock-and-roll. But inside, I was grieving.

          Two days later, I
got my first phone call from Danny.

          “Darling,” he
began, his voice so smooth and soft it made me shiver. “I'm so sorry it's taken
me this long to ring you. I wanted to ring you when I got in, but the time
difference...and the hospital doesn't allow phones inside...”

          “It's okay.” Just
hearing his voice was enough. “How's your dad?”

          Danny sighed
heavily. “No change,” he said. “I'm afraid there's no news at all. The doctors
say there's a chance he’ll survive this, but...there's no way of telling. Not
yet. Fifty-fifty, they say.” He laughed bitterly. “You'd think I'd think the
glass is half full, but...not knowing is almost worse. My stomach's in knots.
It's awful...”

          “I'm so sorry,
Danny,” I hardly knew what to say.

          “I'll let you
know the second there's news, Neve; I promise...” He swallowed and I could
tell, even over the phone, that he was trying to hold back his tears. “I miss
you so much, Neve. I think about you all the time. I've been thinking about you
since the second I got on that plane. Imagining being with you, holding you,
being near you. Making love to you. It's only been two days and already I miss
that most of all.”

          “I miss it too,
Danny,” I whispered, wanting so badly to take him into my arms that my whole
body ached with the palpable force of his absence.

          “How's the band?
Shows going okay?”

          I forced myself
to sound brighter than I felt. “Yes, more than okay. We're doing great. Jim's
got a killer voice. And I'm drinking lots of honey, you know, to keep my voice
strong. So we're taking over from you. Doing a lot more of my numbers. Saving
yours for when you come back.”

          “Not long now,”
Danny said. “I promise – it won't be long.” He sighed. “Listen, the orderly is
coming – they want me back in the doctor's office. I've got to turn this
off...” He began to speak more quickly. “But listen, Neve, I just want you to
know how much I love you, okay? And how proud I am of you. You're the most
amazing woman I've ever known. And you've come such a long way. I couldn't be
prouder of you if I tried. Now...I need to...”

          “Danny!” I cried.
There was so much I wanted to say to him, so many words I wanted to whisper to
him, so much I wanted to share...

          But the line went
dead. A single click, and then he was gone.

          I told myself I'd
hear from him the next day. But the next day came and went, and the day after
that, and to my surprise I had no sign of Danny Blue. No phone calls, no
emails, no nothing. I told myself it didn't mean anything, that Danny was busy,
that there was no news about his father. I told myself that I should continue
as before, trying to forget about the fact that the man I loved was a few
thousand miles away, going through one of the worst tragedies in his life. I
focused on the band, on the music, on our performances. But deep down in the
pit of my stomach I began to feel worry. If I couldn't help Danny through this
tragedy, if I couldn't work with him through this difficult time, if he didn't
want me there – what good was I as a girlfriend? If I was good for the good
times, for sex and dates and drinks and music, what good was it if I wasn't
also able to be there for the bad?

         
I don't
deserve you
, Danny had said. But right now, here in LA, I felt like I
didn't deserve him.

          At last, my
emotions got the better of me. I couldn't deal, I told myself, with another day
away from him. And if he wasn't going to telephone me to tell me what was
happening, I'd have to do him one better. The band had a weekend off from
performances, and I impulse-booked a trip to London. It would only be a
twenty-four hour stint in the city, bookended by twelve hours of travel on
either side, but it was worth it. I needed to see Danny, to comfort him, to
hold him once again.

          I didn't tell
Danny I'd booked. It would be a surprise, I told myself, imagining the look on
his face when he saw me, the wonderful smile I knew and loved so well. How
happy he would be to see such proof of my devotion, of my love for him! I could
help him, then, I knew I could! He'd let me in, at last, and at last I could
figure out a way to comfort him in the midst of his sadness.

          I packed my bag.
I cleaned my apartment – I'd still kept it, despite having moved in with Danny,
since the lease was going to be up in another month anyway. I checked my email
to get my booking reservation number.

         
Ping
!
Another email appeared in my inbox. My heart leapt as I saw the name. Blues
Records.
Why was Danny using his work account?

         
“Neve –
you need to see this. The password is LION” That was all it said, along with a
very complicated URL. I clicked on it, confused, entering the password when it
prompted me to do so. Was this a new demo track? Had Danny been writing new
songs?

          And then my mouth
fell open. On screen before me was a video, a video of two people – two of the
most beautiful people I'd ever seen – in the middle of passionate,
no-holds-barred sex.

          For a second I
thought this was some kind of tease – was Danny trying to suggest we try
something new? Or turn me on?

          Then I saw it.
Her face. Veronica Taylor, beautiful and naked, writhing with passion and
pleasure, her beautiful body contorting in all sorts of positions.

          And the man she
was having sex with was familiar, too. Too familiar, I realized with a lurch,
as bile rose in my throat. The same chiseled features. The same burning eyes.
The same lion tattoo that I had kissed so often.

         
Veronica
Taylor was having sex with Danny Blue.

         
At first,
all I could feel was shock. Numbness. A conviction that this must be a mistake,
somehow – or a fake, somehow – that she'd doctored Danny's face onto someone
else's body. But as I watched, feeling myself grow ever more nauseous, I
realized with a sickening thud that this was no trick. It was Danny and
Veronica, together. In the flesh. As one flesh.

          My hands shook as
I picked up the phone.
There has to be some explanation. Surely there has to
be some explanation. He's not having an affair with her. He can't be. He
promised me.

         
The phone
rang. No answer.

          No answer.

          No answer.

          He wasn't picking
up – he'd been avoiding me-- horrible thoughts flowed into my brain unbidden.
I
feel sorry for her, Neve. You don't deserve me. You don't know how horrible I
am.
Had he been with her the whole time? Is that why she hated me so much –
I was the other woman....not a rival to a man who never loved her but the
mistress of a man already committed...is that why he felt so sorry for her?
Because he'd loved her this whole time?

         
You're a fool,
Neve. A stupid fool.

          I slammed down my
computer screen. I put my fingers in my ears. I closed my eyes. And still I saw
them, Danny and Roni together, the images burned into my brain, their passion,
their furious thrusting...

         
He told you he
loved you. But men lie, Neve. You know what he really wanted...

         
And I had
given it to him, along with my heart.