Never Coming Home (39 page)

‘Jamie probably tortured it out of him.’ Suzanne ambled over to look in the case, removing a delicate lace top that was in danger of being snagged by the heels of the shoes. She looked up sideways at Kaz. ‘Was it so important? That he should tell you he loved you, before you told him?’

Kaz sat down with a plump on the bed. ‘Yes. I didn’t know it though, until Jamie said it. I was just so mad. At him, at myself. I spent years trying to live up to Oliver’s expectations, and when Jeff came along I threw myself into his arms. I know I did,’ she confirmed, when she saw her mother’s expression. ‘I just
so
didn’t want to do it all over again.’

Suzanne sat beside her on the bed. ‘But the sneaky bastard got under your defences anyway.’

Kaz looked at her, saucer-eyed for a moment, then burst out laughing. ‘He did. And how!’ She put her hand up, to brush her eyes. ‘I trust him, Mum. It happened, almost from the beginning, but I tried to ignore it. I never expected to say that about a man and especially about a man like him. I don’t care what he’s done, or what he’s been. We’re both going to have to deal with baggage. Apart from a tendency to run out on me, he’s the most dependable guy I’ve ever met. If I have to go after him, to convince him of that, then that’s what I’ll do.’ She chewed her lip. ‘Will you take care of Jamie for me? I shouldn’t be leaving her so soon, but I have to. I might already be too late. Mrs Kettle told me he was getting ready to move on.’

‘In that case the sooner you go, the better.’ Suzanne nudged her elbow. ‘Leave this, I’ll do it. Jamie is still awake. Go and read her a story.’

‘Thanks, Mum.’ Kaz brushed her lips over her mother’s cheek.

‘Oh. You might need this.’ Suzanne took the card from her pocket. ‘Mrs Kettle gave it to me.’ She grinned. ‘I asked her for it. It’s Devlin’s address in Chicago. His home, not his office.’

Kaz brushed her daughter’s hair away from her face. ‘I think you need a haircut, kid.’

Jamie didn’t look impressed. She tilted her head and squinted one eye. ‘Grandma could take me, when you go to
 
’merica,’ she suggested hopefully. Kaz smiled. The upmarket salon that enjoyed Suzanne’s patronage treated young customers like visiting royalty.

‘You’ll have to ask her.’ Kaz sat beside her daughter on the bed, and cuddled her close. ‘It’s OK, is it? For me to go? You’ll be OK with Grandma?’

‘’course I will.’ Jamie was already sorting through the storybooks Kaz had dumped on the bed, picking out her favourite. ‘You’re going to find Mr Devlin.’

‘I’m going to
look
for him.’ Kaz took a deep breath, a shiver of cold over her heart. ‘He might have gone away.’

‘But if he hasn’t, you’ll find him.’ Jamie nodded. ‘Patchy and me will look after Grandma,’ she informed her mother kindly. ‘You don’t have to worry about us. You find Mr
 
Devlin, and bring him home.’

Kaz stared out over the wing of the plane, willing it to fly faster. Was she going to be too late? Would Devlin have already disappeared into another life? If they had something, if he really did love her,
could
he walk away?
Of course he can, if he thinks he’s doing the right thing. And if he’s scared.

She pondered the thought. Devlin knew even less than she did about holding a family together, and he was carrying so much guilt. A short, fierce burst of anger at Scary Woman and all her works made Kaz grit her teeth. Who had the right to do
that
to a young man, to take away everything he was
 
…

She watched a cloud drift past. She knew the answer to that one. No one had the right, but because it
was
done, hundreds of thousands of ordinary, normal lives were able to go on, every day. Ordinary men and women, like her, who had no idea what blackness might be out there, and who wouldn’t want to know. They just went on living, and men like Devlin took it all into their souls and carried the burden alone.

The man on the seat beside her gave a loud snore. Startled, Kaz jumped, and then giggled. So much for deep, dark thoughts. If she could find Devlin, they would have their own try at being normal. See if they could make this home and family thing work. If she could find him
 
…

There was nothing she could do, sitting on a plane. She might as well follow her companion’s example. She cradled her head in her hand, and settled down to doze.

It was the final box. Devlin stared down into it. He’d left Bobby’s office until last and the bottom drawer of the desk, the personal stuff, until the very end. Half a pack of cigarettes, a handful of matchbooks, a well-worn baseball cap, three neckties, a couple of paperback books, a Spanish dictionary. The debris of a life. He hefted the shallow cardboard carton onto the cleared desk, and looked around.

He’d been holding it in all morning, regret and a simmering anger that dripped through his frame like acid. At least that pain was hot – not cold, like the other. Waste. The life of a friend, at the hands of a madman, and now there was another kid growing up without a father, down in Tennessee. Bloody circles – they never stopped. He folded the lid of the box closed and leaned against the desk.

The place was still, with only muffled sounds from the street outside marring the quiet. Most of the furniture was gone already, phones disconnected, the sign on the glass door rubbed clean. If he closed his eyes, he could see Bobby, standing in the doorway, grinning, and smell the smoke from his illicit cigarette, but that was all in his mind. There were no ghosts here, only memories.

It was all finished here. He could be on the road tonight, if he wanted. His life in Chicago was ended. And he was doing what he always did. All he knew. All he’d been taught. Move on and start over.
When it’s not broken you don’t fix it. But if it’s broken beyond repair?
Less than three months, three sodding months, and his whole life had come apart at the seams. If he’d never met Kaz Elmore
 
… If he’d never learned to love her
 
… Then he wouldn’t have the searing pain in the centre of his chest. He could manage the days, but the nights
 
–

He leaned back and scrubbed a hand over his face. She hadn’t come looking for him. He’d
 
…
hoped
was the wrong word, but he’d kind of
wondered
. She hadn’t come, and that was fine, because that really was how it should be. She was tending her child, and her business, and forgetting that any of this had ever happened. One day there’d be another man, a good man, able to give her the things she needed. The ache in his chest, because it wasn’t him
 
… He’d just have to get used to it. The need to punch his hand into the wall at the thought of another man in her bed – that was going to take a while to die.

Devlin took one last look from the window. He had a plan, of sorts. He was going to travel. See all the places he’d never seen. Sit on beaches and mountain tops and beside rivers and try not to think of
her
. Eventually the hurt would fade a little. He’d done this before, so he could do it again. And this time it was worth it. The pain might be eating him, from the inside out, but he’d been right to leave her. He was feral. He didn’t belong in anyone’s home.

But you might have tried.

Maybe he
would
try? He couldn’t be a father to Bobby Hoag’s baby, or even an uncle, but maybe he could be a friend to Bobby’s son. Oh, Christ, maybe it would be a daughter, with her mother’s blonde hair and her daddy’s eyes.

Children. That’s where all this had started. Two children, one with long blonde hair and the other with dark, and an ocean between them. Two young girls, and a need for justice. And now the grief he would always carry, until death finally took him. Love. The silent killer.

He shrugged away from the window, with one last look around. He wouldn’t find her here. He wouldn’t find her anywhere, not now.

He picked up the box and headed to the door, and the rest of his life.

Kaz unpacked the contents of the suitcase and laid it out on the bed, grinning. Her mother’s idea of an outfit for a manhunt included the sleekly fitted lace top, a slimline skirt and killer heels. She slithered into the clothes, twisting her hair up high and anchoring it with a jewelled clip. Her hands were trembling as she fastened the matching necklace. A slick of lip gloss and she was done. She picked up her bag and headed for the door.

She paid the cab at the end of the street, looking around curiously. She’d expected the address on the card to be an apartment in the city, but this was a neighbourhood of wide lawns and white-painted porches. She recognised Devlin’s house immediately. It was the one with the For Sale sign outside.

There was a hire van parked by the kerb. Kaz caught her breath as Devlin emerged from the house, carrying a box. The bruises were healed and the plaster cast had been replaced by a brace on his left arm. The well-worn jeans, faded almost white, clung low on his hips. The writing on his sweatshirt was even more faded. His hair was brushing his collar.

Kaz took a shaky step and then another. ‘If you ever run out on me again, Devlin, I’m going to hunt you down and shoot you.’

His head jerked round. She couldn’t read his face. It looked completely blank. He set the box down carefully. ‘Is that a promise?’

‘Of course it is, you bloody idiot.’ She cleared the last few steps in a leap, landing in his arms. She heard his breath woof out as she thudded into his chest, then her own breathing stopped entirely as his mouth came down on hers in a crushing kiss.

Her head was swimming and her knees were weak when they came up for air. She had to cling to him, to stay upright. She wasn’t going to let that stop her. She thumped him, with the heel of her hand.

‘I love you. I came all the way across an ocean to say that.’ She thumped him again. ‘I know you love me, you bastard, so say it.’

‘Hey! Ouch!’ He grabbed her hands, fending her off. ‘The kid squealed.’

‘Of course she did, she’s only five, but it took a month.’ Kaz wriggled in his arms, loving the feel of him against her body. ‘You told my daughter you loved me, before you told me. What’s she got that I don’t?’

‘Dimples?’ He had her anchored now, solid against his hips and chest. She relaxed against him. Just sank in. The kiss this time was long and soft and languorous. He rested his forehead against hers.

‘I love you.’

‘At last.’

‘I never said that to anyone before. Never knew what it meant. I do now. But I’m still not sure I should be saying it to you.’

Kaz flinched. ‘You must know, I
have
said it. Which is why it’s taken me a while to even think about saying it again.’ She put her hands flat on his chest. ‘I can’t wipe out history. I had a marriage, I have a daughter. I come as part of a package, Devlin.’

‘I know that.’ He pushed her gently away from him. ‘And that’s why I can’t ask
 
… I can’t expect
 
… I don’t know if I can do that. I don’t know how to make a family.’

She held her breath. ‘Is this about Jamie, or about your past?’

‘God.’ He swore. ‘It’s not about Jamie, it’s about
me
. The stuff I’ve done, I shouldn’t be around a child.’

‘I wouldn’t have my child, if it wasn’t for you. And before you start on that tack, this isn’t gratitude.’ She waved a finger. ‘The stuff you’ve done. Are you still doing it?’

‘Well no, but
 
–’

Kaz didn’t allow for any buts. ‘I’ve asked you this before. Is there anyone else, like Luce, likely to come after you in the future?’

He blinked. ‘No.’

‘In that case, done is done.’ She looked up at him, clear-eyed. ‘I know what I feel for you, Stuart Adams. I’ve never felt like this before. I trust you. I want you to take care of me.’ Something shivered up her spine. ‘I trust you with my life, with my heart, with my daughter. When I came around the corner and saw how close I got to losing you
 
–’ she gestured over her shoulder to the rental van
 
– ‘I knew exactly how much.’ She waved her hand. ‘Now I’m done. The rest is up to you. I, Katarina Elmore,
need
you. You want it in writing, you have it. You want to throw it all away, go ahead.’

The corner of his mouth was turning up. The smile, when it bloomed, took her breath away. ‘You drive a hard bargain, woman.’ He scooped her up and put paid to any remaining trace of air that might have been hanging around in her lungs.

‘I want the whole thing.’ He finally put her down. ‘If we’re going to do this thing, then I want marriage. I want to be a father to Jamie, if she’ll have me.’

Kaz knew she was going to cry. The water just squeezed out of her eyes. Devlin wiped it away with his thumbs.

‘She’ll have you.’

‘I figure I owe her.’ He lifted his head. ‘She’s the reason you came, right?’ Kaz nodded. He was frowning. ‘Barbie dolls – little girls like Barbie dolls, right? Or what about a pony? Would she like a pony?’

‘Probably.’ Kaz was laughing now. ‘I think a honeymoon in Disneyland will do, for the moment.’