Never (9 page)

I reached for the concealer, but Kim beat me to the punch.

“Let me.”

I didn’t put up a fight. I’d been so afraid I was gonna screw it up the first time and now that all my hardwork was melting, I didn’t trust myself to not turn my happy tears into ones of frustration.

“I should have known I’d screw it up—”

Her grip on my chin tightened. “There will be none of that.” She lightly dabbed beneath my eyes. “It’s just makeup, not the LSATs or anything.”

“Spoken like someone that probably rolled out of the womb with a compact in hand,” i joked, sticking my lip out stubbornly.

“Ha ha,” she smirked, finishing up. I turned back to the mirror and sighed with relief. “See? Disaster averted.”

“And now I’m embarrassed. This whole thing is ridiculous,” I said, putting the makeup back in her massive case.

“Let me do that,” she said softly. “You know, it’s okay to stress out like us other mere mortals.”

I glared at her. “You make it sound like I’m some sort of Ice Queen.”

“Not an Ice Queen, per se,” she said, pointedly avoiding my gaze. “But a little hardcore sometimes.”

“A little hardcore sometimes,” I repeated with a frown.

“Yeah,” she said, dumping the last few cases in and sliding the lid in place before looking up at me. “If Lucas is very intense and gung ho, you’re the opposite. You’re like, un-intense.”

It was far from eloquent but it still stung like she just read off the thesaurus list for ‘heartless’. “If memory serves, I shared some pretty intense stuff with you. Reasons why I am the way I am.”

She didn’t bat an eye. “I know. And it means alot to me that you opened up and gave me a look at why you’re you.” She walked back to her bed and sat down. “But you only told me that because you literally had no one else to tell.”

My mouth fell open, my chin trembling angrily. “That was a really big deal for me. I don’t share that with just anyone. And I don’t cry unless my hormones give me no other choice or something really gets to me. To hear my best friend thinks I opened up because I literally had no other choice...” I stopped, forcing down the emotion. “It hurts, Kim.”

She looked at the floor, legs sweeping back and forth. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Wellt hen please, illuminate me,” I said brusquely. “Just how did you mean it?”

“That sometimes you make it hard for people to know you,” she confessed, slowly meeting my eyes. “And maybe that’s why Lucas—”

‘Why he waht?” I cut her off. “Lost his mind and got drunk off his ass? Don’t put that on me. He did that because of a failure to communicate and a tendency to use a bottle of Smirnoff as his security blanket. He did that because he didn’t trust me.”

“And do you trust him?”

My lips were parted, my hands fists at my side. I didn’t even remember standing up, but there I was. Where the hell was this coming from? I told her everything with Lucas was completely out of left field. How he stood me up, based on what Candi told him no less. How he was blitzed off his ass, jealous of some fictional romance between me and Lance. And apparently this was all
my
fault?

“What Lucas did has nothing to do with whether I trust him or not. Because...” I crossed my arms. “Of course I trust him!”

“So why did he find out about Lance from Candi and not from you?”

The flare of indignation dimmed. I’d dashed out of the library so quick my head spun,huffing and puffing—and it was because I knew Lance was flirting. And I flirted back. I just figured if I pretended it didn’t happen then it would just go away.

I steeled myself for the lie. “Because nothing happened between me and Lance.”

“Ah, I see,” she breathed, nodding like she understood. “It all makes sense now. You practically kissed your TA in the library then bolted and neglected to tell your boyfriend because nothing happened. See, I thought it was because you were worried Lucas would freak out.”

“Which he did,” I justified.

“You rationalize it however you need to,” Kim snickered, picking her laptop up.

I watched her, wanting to defend myself even though I knew there was truth to what she was saying. I didn't have trust issues. My ex broke my heart in two when he secretly taped us having sex then shared it with the whole freaking campus. Friends I’d poured my heart out to were ghosts in the wind when I needed them most. I found out my mother, the sweetest, most honorable person I knew, had an affair with a married man and kept it from me for years. So yeah...I had some problems opening up and letting people in. When you let people get too close, you don't have to worry about them stabbing you in the back. They’ll look you in the eye when they stab you right in the chest.

“I do trust him,” I said, not even believing it myself.

Kim’s eyes flickered up to me, giving me a solemn nod. “Okay.”

I turned my back to her, unable to stomach the truth. Unwilling to face it or my role in how screwed up things had gotten between me and Lucas.

It doesn’t matter, I told myself as I left the room, pointing toward the exit. We were starting over. All our cards on the table. Hearts on our sleeves.

As much as I hated that it was necessary, I’d reiterate that he had nothing to worry about with Lance. What happened in the library was just...I didn’t know what it was. And I didn’t care, because nothing happened!

Then why do you sound like you’re trying to convince yourself?

I pulled out my earbuds. I needed some music. Screeching guitars. Howling vocals. Just as I popped the first one in I heard my name, spoken by a dark, gravelly voice that sounded like some smoky blues singer.

Lance.

Of course.

I considered just ignoring him, picking up speed and putting the other earbud in. I figured the last thing I should do if I was trying to avoid what happened was face the guy that put the question marks in my head in the first place.

“Juliet!” Closer. Unavoidable.

Crap.

I tugged my lips into a smile as I faced him. I ignored the way his lean, athletic body seemed to flex alluringly beneath his flannel shirt and snugly fitted jeans. Shaggy blond hair peeked out from a beanie, the long pieces flapping in the wind as he jogged toward me and slowed to a walk.

“Hey,” he grinned, the smell of pines filling my nostrils as he stepped up to me. “How’s it going?”

“Great.” I tilted my body away from him. “I’m actually on my way somewhere.”

“Mind if I join you?”

Message not received. The right answer was yes, but I said, “No, not at all.” I focused on the bus stop and not the way every inch of my face was turning red. Or the awkward silence that was currently making this the longest walk of my life.

“Was hoping to catch you after class on Tuesday,” he said, breaking the silence. “I wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your reading.”

Yeah...the red in my cheeks was now spreading to my neck. “Thanks...and thanks for your recommendation. I got my first A in her class.”

“Trust me.” He reached out and put a hand on the small of my back. “I won’t steer you wrong.”

If I felt an electric shock the first time we touched, this was...different. A chill raced over my skin, dulling the red of embarrassment and turning it into wariness.

I sped up, hoping he took it as me trying to disengage. “Well, take care.”

“Can I buy you a cup of coffee sometime?”

I ground to a halt. At the library, he’d acted all conflicted. Like he was toeing the line and felt bad because it was inappropriate. This felt like someone who’d been around the block a time or two. How many female students did he give helpful tips too? How many got asked out for coffee?

I cast a look in his direction. I had my suspicions and he’d confirmed them. He was one of
those
TA’s. Ones that drink up the attention of their students and line up the notches while they thumb through the roster.

“Thanks for the invite, but I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

He let out a chuckle that was probably meant to be disarming, but it just made me feel even more unnerved. “It’s just a cup of coffee, Juliet.”

I stood my ground, grateful we were so close to the bus stop. “I think I’ll have to pass.” When he didn’t seem deterred, I finally said the thing I should have said at the library. “I’m seeing someone.”

His face changed instantly, eyes going dark. “Lucas McNamara, right?”

I faltered, surprised. “Yeah. How did you know?” When his face tightened, I realized I didn’t really want the answer to that question.

“He had a friendly little chat with me yesterday. Threatened me and ordered me to stay away from you.”

I went between a smile and a frown, my mouth just as confused as my head. “Is this some kind of joke? He wouldn’t do that.”

There was no joke or humor in his expression. “I have no reason to lie.”

The bus pulled to the curb, but I didn’t move a muscle. It could have hopped the curb and i wouldn’t have even flinched.

How could he?

Lance turned to go. His tone was sympathetic, but his eyes told a whole other story. He wasn’t sorry at all. “You let me know if you change your mind about that coffee.”

I finally moved, watching him go before I forced myself to board the bus.

Chapter Eleven: Lucas

I cast another look at my cell. 8:35. Thirty five minutes past the time she was supposed to show up.

No texts telling me she was late. No phone calls. No nothing.

And I couldn't bring myself to call her and find out if something was going on.

I know, I know—plenty of things could account for her being late and I was just sitting there, twiddling my thumbs when a simple call could at least get me out of this purgatory funk. But I couldn't bring myself to dial her number.

This had to be some sort of what goes around comes around kind of thing. She was trying to give me a dose of my own medicine after I stood her up at dinner. Make me feel what it was like to have my stomach knot and fight the urge to call or just wait.

The other thing that kept me glued to the couch and unwilling to swipe my finger to the contacts was my pride. With all the shit that had gone down over the last month, I felt tetherless.

Everything I thought about my family turned out to be a lie. I'm not an idiot, I knew we weren't perfect. But I had no idea how truly screwed up we were  until I found out my father betrayed my mother—then she betrayed me. I wanted to see things from my sisters point of view, and believe it or not, I missed my mother's brand of helicopter parenting, but I always stopped myself before I could even tap 'call'. It was easier to hold onto my anger even though it was getting harder to convince myself I had anything to be angry about.

But the way I felt about Juliet? That was easy. She'd always been it. The moment I saw her and it clicked that she was the single person I could really be myself with; that got me, and called me on my BS. I knew she was the one real thing in my life. The thing I could count on. Which was why—

Stop!
I snapped before I went any further. This was what made a small thing blow up into something epic. I had to own my part. Own my actions.

I leaned back with a grunt. Well, at least I was trying to own it. It kind of called for my girlfriend actually showing up. And me to stop with the hard ass thing and just call her.

I looked  at the phone in my hand. It had never felt so heavy before.

My fingers knew what to do, the same thing I’d done countless times before. And I knew once I did it, I’d stop acting like a pussy. I’d be able to breathe. Relax. Cuz this ‘fraidy cat thing was getting old.

“This is stupid,” I said aloud, like the vocal confirmation would be the kick in the ass that I needed. It didn’t help me do what I needed to do.

Alright
. I tried to psych myself up for the task at hand.
You got this
.

I pressed the button that woke up my device and locked my jaw when I saw there were no messages. No explanation.

I managed to put the phone down without crushing it into shards of glass and plastic and stood up, putting some distance between me and the growing dread in my gut. I went to the box of pizza I ordered and flipped open the lid. It was long cold, but it was undisturbed, despite my stomach’s grumbling. I reached down, not even caring that it was far from the gooey good stuff that showed up at my door half an hour ago. I thought better of it and picked up one of the Miller LItes instead. I cracked the top and brought it to my lips, walking to my patio. Even though it gave me a direct view of the parking lot and bus stop, I wasn’t expecting to see the campus bus at the curb. It ran every hour after seven pm and the last bus, that was supposed to have Juliet on it, was long gone.

I nearly spit all the amber liquid out when I saw Juliet on the sidewalk, pacing back and forth near the sign for my apartment complex. I put the bottle down and burst through the door. Even from far away I read the apprehension and angry lines of her body as she moved. Something happened, something that prevented her from coming up.

What could it—

Lance
.

But she couldn’t know about my run-in with Lance. My boys had no reason to tell her, and I hoped Lance wasn’t dumb enough to.

No, it had to be something else.

Only one way to find out.

I left the apartment, going down the stairs to get her. Skinny jeans wrapped around her lean legs, a sheer blouse tempting me with a flash of the blood red bra beneath. Her hair was a bundle of curls at the nape of her neck and she swatted at the free strands, so intent and focused that she didn’t even see me walk up.

“Juliet?”

Her back was to me and she didn’t turn at first. Slowly, she pivoted to me and I expected surprise, maybe a little embarrassment that she’d been caught, but her face was cleared of all emotion.

“Lucas.”

I took a step toward her. “Is there a reason you’re out here?” Her forehead crinkled like she was confused and I frowned. “I’ve been waiting for you.”

“Waiting for me?” Her eyes flickered as she wiped her hands on her jeans. “Oh.”