Never Broken: Songs Are Only Half the Story (43 page)

and me in here

somehow

watching the self I built

all these years

deconstruct

while at once

I build a new self

grim reaper

and creator

I am in the dark

it seems

the certainty of my old life

gone

my old beliefs

conspicuously absent

my old loved ones

starkly missing

but it is not just darkness

I am in

it is potent in here

womblike

my ears ring

dark matter making crystalline sounds

as if in outer space

I drift lost

but not lost

watching the ego I had built shatter

drift away

grief filling every cell

as I mourn the loss of her

tears bending what light

finds its way to me

but in the lunar distance

I see a horizon

faint as a fingerprint

quiet as a sigh not yet exhaled

I see the blueprint

the seed

being sown

of my new self

and I like her

at once I grieve and rejoice

as I give body to this seed

as I lend flesh and bone and belief

to rebuild myself

this rebirth is painful

as all birth is

true creation is not all zen

once an idea is dreamed the wrestling

must begin of embodying it

drawing it out of spirit

and into the physical world

artist:

part dreamer

part sculptor

part executioner

things must be carved away

to create the shape that resonates

and expresses outwardly

the inward dream

and

I don’t want to be

just an artist

of art

I want to be an artist

of self

and so the emptiness I bear

to create song and poem

is turned on myself

and the art becomes

not just song

not just life

but me

most importantly

the art

is me

I could no longer sit

like a counterfeit

in the shape a child dreamed

simply from fear

I dream a new dream

I dream it well, sometimes

sometimes it is clumsy

I am learning but

I see it

and I am willing to walk

through the fire

of creation

to embody it

but such sadness

comes in waves

as I grieve the girl

I lovingly built

as I say goodbye

kiss her forehead

smooth and shining

kiss her armor

a little dinged-up

a little war-torn

kiss her mouth

half starved most of her life

and I thank her

from the bottom of my soul

thank you thank you thank you

girl for carrying me all this way

(such a distance!)

through shit and muck

and spittle and

and for being brave enough

and soft enough during it

to allow me to remain whole

inside

so that I may now

stand above the burial

of my dead ego

oh the sorrow!

how I cry!

before I lose myself

in the sorrow of her cooling outline

I force my head

back to the horizon

to the task at hand

and get about the work

of rewriting

redrafting

rebuilding

no editing

no shame

no apologies

permission granted

as I create myself

with every color

this time

I need not be just one

whole.

human.

afterword

What is in this book took me forty years to learn. My hope is that anyone in need who reads this might be helped by witnessing what I have gone through. Looking back, I can see the lessons that have been critical to my success and resilience, and if they can help you to get where you are going in less time and with less pain than it took me, then this book will have been worth writing.

Hard wood grows slowly.
Be thoughtful about the shape you want to grow into, and be mindful that there is no shortcut to strength and character. Have the patience to allow yourself and your goals to develop.

You can’t outrun your pain.
You are strong enough to face whatever is in front of you. Medicating your pain will only bring more pain. The only genuine shortcut life offers is facing your feelings. They won’t kill you. Feelings are your soul’s way of communicating. Pain is trying to teach you something, and if you don’t listen now, it will speak louder and louder until it is heard.

Emotional English.
What emotional language were you raised with in your home? Volatile? Avoidant? Passive? Abusive? Loving? If there were dynamics you feel did not serve you, identify what new language you wish to speak in the family of your making, with your own husband, wife, child, or friend. Make a plan to learn it that you can execute. Spend time with those whose Emotional English you admire, or talk with a life coach or therapist to help learn to avoid repeating the cycles that have been handed down through generations. It can end and begin with you.

Spend time in silence.
Take time to get to know yourself and your genius in stillness. This also lets your soul speak. Its voice is quiet and you must choose to turn an ear to it. Any endeavor in your life, be it creative, business, or personal, will benefit from spending time alone and exploring your own thoughts, ideas, and dreams.

Access your Greater Intelligence.
Your mind is a wonderful tool, but it is not all that we are. Get out from under your critical thoughts. Practice meditation or prolonged prayer. Sit in nature or write. Do things that help quiet the circular thoughts of your mind and that allow you to gain the greater understanding and acceptance that is available beyond what your mind offers. This can foster inspiration. A eureka moment. A flash of insight that comes from beyond what your education or experience make you capable of. You are experiencing your whole self when your body has a calm feeling, rather than an anxious energy.

Establish a gratitude practice.
Gratitude is incredibly healing because our reality becomes what we perceive. See not just what is going wrong in your life, but actively engage in and acknowledge what is right. Let it wash over your being and fill your heart with the calming peace of gratitude.

Flip the switch and retrain your brain.
Identify negative thought patterns and learn to starve them. Don’t indulge in fear, worry, jealousy, anger, resentment, lies, or inferiority. I have found it best to start with just one idea you want to replace at a time. Establish and feed positive thought patterns. Joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, and truth. Create a light switch in your mind. When you have a disruptive or damaging thought, intervene by flipping the switch and replace it with a thought that is in line with your true goals and values. Repeat the thoughts you wish to have often enough until the habit creates its own momentum, forming new neural pathways. With time the habitual effect becomes second nature, and you become a much more positive person who is able to create change in the moment.

Find the antidote.
If you are consumed by self-doubting or self-loathing internal voices, ask yourself what the opposite of those thoughts are. If you are afraid you are not capable of something, intervene each time you think that, and replace it with the new thought: I am capable. Do it again and again until you feel your anxiety lessen. With time and practice, the anxiety will subside altogether.

Create a home for happiness.
Happiness is not a perpetual state. It has an ebb and flow, but it can be encouraged. Do things that lend themselves to the happiness you desire. Exercise. Eat well. Do something that makes you feel joy, even when you don’t feel like it. Surround yourself with people you admire and who add substance to your life. Soon peace and satisfaction come as your life creates a discipline that is the reward for living thoughtfully.

Practice being present.
“Being here now” is the only chance we have to make new choices. Fear-based thoughts cause us to live in a past that we project onto the future, robbing us of being awake in the only moment that exists for us to create change within. Observation causes us to suspend judgment so we can use our senses fully. It forces us to be present. Begin with small steps, like noticing each time your feet hit the ground in the morning. Extend your mindfulness to noticing the feel of each footstep as you walk up a flight of stairs. Watch your hands. They are the servants of your thoughts. Count how many times they greet someone or wave hello.

Being a witness to your behavior is the first step in meaningful change.
This allows us to be present without judgment. This is critical because I have learned that when I judge myself harshly, I am not able to see the truth about myself. But when I witness myself with love, without judgment, it allows me to identify patterns that might be less than desirable. We cannot change what we are unwilling to see. If you can witness your behavior, that means you are something
other
than your behavior. In seeing your behavior, there is hope of change in the future.

Brilliant resilience.
Identify the natural gifts or beliefs that served you as a child but that may now be creating limits to experiencing intimacy and joy. Does the loyalty that once served you now keep you beholden to others? Does the competitive spirit that helped you rise to great heights now keep you from connecting? Has the natural independence that once helped you to leave a bad situation now caused a stumbling block when it comes to true intimacy and trusting someone to help you? Look for areas you feel blocked and meditate on them. Ask yourself whether they started out as instincts that worked for your well-being or survival but now may feel stiff and hold you back. Learn to let them go.

Believe in the law of enough.
Don’t accept the fear that that scarcity exists in any corner of your life. There is enough love, enough time, enough healing to go around. Give what you wish to receive.

Let go of what does not serve you.
Make a commitment to choose happiness over anger, love over pain. Let go of hurt and resentment. Let go of what weighs you down and keeps you from ascending to the height you choose. The cup is half full and half empty simultaneously. Your reality will be defined by which you choose.

A soul cannot be broken.
It is not a teacup. If you have suffered abuse of any kind, know that perfection exists untarnished within you. You need not fix yourself so much as exhume it. Engage in a loving archaeological dig back to yourself. Let all that is not yours within you fall away until only your real nature remains. You are trusting. You are loving. You are worthy. Your innocence is not lost when you are hurt, but converted into wisdom.